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My husband is running off with our nanny, wants a divorce. I can't convince him to try and fix us. She is desperate to please so that she can stay in the country and get a visa. He doesn't understand that her desperate one-sided giving won't last and isn't the basis of a relationship. He refuses to try and fix us. He says he doesn't have time to work on our relationship, disability from multiple sclerosis is creeping up on him and he needs to have his last moment of fun. He can't seem remember what it was like before she came and he fell out of love, before we got distracted by kids, and illnesses and disabilities that required us to hire her in the first place. I understand what I did wrong, but he won't give me a chance to fix it. And the worst part is, even if I can manage to let him go emotionally, he is disabled, so I have to pay him alimony forever. His fling may be short term but his life expectancy is probably another 30 or 40 years during which he will be wheel chair bound. He needs significant money for health costs, which he currently gets for free through my work and now I have to pay for it through a second policy. I get to work all hours for the rest of my life to pay for their momentary fun and a long stretch of disability. Our kids will suffer from the divorce, and also from the resultant poverty. Help!

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Hi lostinNM, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. When is he leaving? When did the nanny leave?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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They left yesterday. I discovered their relationship had become close and I demanded they separate and she leave. Way too late -I should have done this much earlier but I was bed bound with a back condition and couldn't do anything for a while. My husband supported me at first in asking her to leave and we went on MB together and discussed how we can fix things. But then I had to go on a business trip (another stupid thing to do in retrospect.) I return to find them moved out together. They are staying with his mother who thinks this is a great idea and is helping them. She is a strange irrational person who has nursed a passive aggressive grudge against me for a long time because I once lost my temper and I've never been able to mend things with her. This is a 16 year marriage we've followed each other though thick and thin, and we have two young daughters.

Last edited by lostinNM; 03/20/16 03:13 PM.
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Uhm, if she doesn't have a visa to be in the country, why not just report her to immigration?

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She is legally in the country for another summer, then has to leave. It's complicated.

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Originally Posted by lostinNM
She is legally in the country for another summer, then has to leave. It's complicated.

Was her J-1 visa arranged by an agency? If so you can report her. Tell them you had to fire her and why.


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Originally Posted by lostinNM
They left yesterday. I discovered their relationship had become close and I demanded they separate and she leave. Way too late -I should have done this much earlier but I was bed bound with a back condition and couldn't do anything for a while. My husband supported me at first in asking her to leave and we went on MB together and discussed how we can fix things.
You mean - you've been on the radio show? When was this?


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
You mean - you've been on the radio show? When was this?
Have you been on this forum before? Your story sounds familiar.


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If the kids are with you, she has no job. Send a termination to her and immigration.

"As you have Not arrived for work since 3/x/16, you are hereby terminated from your position."

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Where are the kids? Go get them if they aren't home.

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We went to MB to read the articles - we haven't been on the radio show.
The great news- he is back and now we have a chance to fix us! It's a delicate moment in our relationship and it will take everything I can muster to fix us.

The OW's visa was originally J-1 when she was our au pair/nanny. Then she left, and came back as a grad student. We let her live with us while she attended school and she was another adult around the house to share chores when my husband and I were both so disabled that there were some days we could barely put a meal together. During that period is when things went south and my husband became attracted to her. At that point, we couldn't 'fire' her. She is not working for us - she is a student, and she still has time in the US on her OPT. I don't' know if we can revoke our sponsorship of her student visa. I think the responsibilities are all one way - we agreed to see her through her graduate school. Now she graduated her masters program, and has some time under OPT visa, I believe it is 6 months, to do work related to her education. Meanwhile I recovered from my 3 year long back injury and I'm trying to put my life back together and rebuilt the marriage I neglected. Great news though - my husband recommitted to us and we plan to spend the next week doing nothing but working on us.

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So your WH is back? Where is OW living? Still with his mom? Will your WH agree to no contact and EPs?

Who has the affair been exposed to?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Have you seen an attorney about the immigration issues? Generally, her interference in your marriage would be considered a valid reason to terminate your responsibility to her. It may depend on the state, but you should look into it. Frankly, if you can get the OW deported, that would be ideal

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Thank you everybody so much for your help. My husband came back to me the next day. We recommitted to each other. Reading all the articles on this site has helped us to understand the destructive habits we had gotten into and why we drifted apart and we are working on fixing them! But the next day my mother-in-law came into the house (she has the combo to our door) and tried to lure my husband back to the OW. She thinks I am 'bad' for my husband because of the way we argued and didn't love each other recently. She also hopes that OW, who is Chinese, would let her live in as a Chinese mother-in-law, in a way that didn't work for us. She thinks that the gentle family life we've been leading with each other in this small town his keeping my husband from his ambitions and potentials as an entrepreneur in silicon valley. I learned that she had been instrumental in enabling my husband to leave me, for that day. And clearly she doesn't understand what a divorced life entails when you have young children. So she came in and insisted she needs to talk to us. I told my mother-in-law that I wasn't comfortable talking to her right now because she just tried to break our marriage. My husband told his mother that he has decided to commit to me and she needs to leave off. Mother-in-law started yelling 'I have rights as a mother. My son has to come out of this house and talk to me now'. My husband refused. Then she started screaming horrible things about me. I told her she needed to leave the house or I'd call the police. She didn't leave. I called the police. Our children meanwhile were on the floor, crying and screaming themselves, with their hands over their ears. The police came and escorted her out. The police explained to her that her son is nearly 40, he makes his own decisions and he's been married for 16 years. Then the next day I learned that my husband's brother listened to his mother, and he is also concerned that my husband is being 'limited', that he shouldn't be living with me in this small town, and my husband shouldn't be 'running around after me' due ot my back injury (which is now solved in any case and I'm back on my feet). We both talked to him but he sounds unconvinced. I mean, what is wrong with these people? My husband wants this life, he has said so repeatedly. I have made the effort and the offer to go back to silicon valley several times and my husband didn't want to. He's told me repeatedly that he's done with working 120 hour weeks and he wants a family life. I didn't leave my husband when he developed a permanent and advancing disability and he didn't leave me when I developed back issues three years ago. I don't know how to get through to his family the concept of commitment and the value of marriage, and the fact that my husband is actually capable of making his own decisions. So, here we are. Back together, but with extended family issues.

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My husband gave me his phone to hide, he changed to a different phone number and email. He wrote a final email to OW, following the template on this site. She wrote back "I understand and respect your decision." So if she shows up again I guess we can talk to an immigration attorney. Right now I don't know where she is.

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Originally Posted by lostinNM
I didn't leave my husband when he developed a permanent and advancing disability and he didn't leave me when I developed back issues three years ago. I don't know how to get through to his family the concept of commitment and the value of marriage, and the fact that my husband is actually capable of making his own decisions. So, here we are. Back together, but with extended family issues..

lost, you are in luck, because the MB program requires that nothing is done without the enthusiastic agreement of you BOTH. That means that you have nothing to do with these marriage wrecking family members until they APOLOGIZE and agree to keep their snouts out of your marriage. Neither one of you should have anything to do with them until you are enthusiastic about that contact. If you need some back up, email Dr Harley and he will back you up.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by lostinNM
My husband gave me his phone to hide, he changed to a different phone number and email. He wrote a final email to OW, following the template on this site. She wrote back "I understand and respect your decision." So if she shows up again I guess we can talk to an immigration attorney. Right now I don't know where she is.

Does she have a way to contact him? If so, that is a huge gaping hole that must be closed. I would go ahead and contact an immigration attorney NOW so she can - hopefully - be kicked out. Did you inform her employer so she doesnt pull this again?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thank you so much for your advice. OW's OPT is with our children's school, which is completely horrible. Next week the boss will be back and I can speak to her.

In the mean time though I snooped� and discovered that WH had gone back to his old email and written OW a much more gentle goodbye note, one that makes my blood boil just reading it. Now what? Do I confront him? Doesn't that remove love points just as we are rebuilding our fragile relationship? Probably I can never cut off communication - WH is sophisticated and the number of communication channels on the internet is infinite. Meanwhile MIL is writing WH and claiming I am keeping him "chained "and I am horrible wife, not subservient enough, on and on. WH is rejecting her, but these words surely poison our relationship and right now imperil my ability right now to confront him about snooping without driving us apart again.

Looked into immigration law but there is no rule that lets us kill her immigration status.

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Originally Posted by lostinNM
Thank you so much for your advice. OW's OPT is with our children's school, which is completely horrible. Next week the boss will be back and I can speak to her. . . .

Looked into immigration law but there is no rule that lets us kill her immigration status.


Yes there is. Having an affair with a married parent of one of the children in the school is grounds for dismissal. She is not in the union and so this will be very easy. Go directly to the Head of School. Once she is dismissed for cause, her OPT will terminate and her passport marked as 'visa cancelled with prejudice'. That is what you need because she will never be able to set foot in the country again.


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Rather than confront your H.....keep snooping.

Knowledge is power.

If he learns about your snooping channels, he will find ways to hide things even deeper from you.







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