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Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
Originally Posted by LostOnLeftCoast
Glad you don't have to waste time and money fighting a frivolous TRO!
Good luck turning your M around, you still have a little bit of time. Hopefully these last few months will reveal to you which way you should go with your life.

I by no means view the divorce as the end of fighting for the marriage...

That's why I said legally I believe earlier I said I was prepared to give this about 2 years.

I wish that rather than asking Dr Harley how to save this marriage (ie, I only want marriage saving advice) you had asked his advice about whether fighting for your marriage (nevermind for 2 years) is what he would advise you to do - and let him explain to his his reasoning so that you could let his insight marinate WHILE you continue to fight for your M.

It sounded like from something SMB posted that this wasn't your WW's first time straying (which was in line w/my impression from different things you had posted about your WW, that she has extremely poor boundaries and enjoys OS male attention). I also wish Dr Harley knew this.

I know you think that your WW's family being "decent" is something that should give you hope....but I actually feel the opposite, the fact that they have supported your W in demonizing you for your part in the marital issues actually works against you. That type of support only solidifies your WW's fog and could be a factor in how bad things have gotten in your situation (TRO, breaking into your home and trashing it, moving to be with the OM etc).

Just my 2 cents.....


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2878250 03/16/16 11:25 AM
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Ditto to SusieQ post

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Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
Originally Posted by LostOnLeftCoast
Glad you don't have to waste time and money fighting a frivolous TRO!
Good luck turning your M around, you still have a little bit of time. Hopefully these last few months will reveal to you which way you should go with your life.

I by no means view the divorce as the end of fighting for the marriage...

That's why I said legally I believe earlier I said I was prepared to give this about 2 years.

Not to give false hopes. Whether false pride or whatever the reason the WW would stop the divorce. Only a year or too later to wind up remarrying her exBH.

SusieQ #2878254 03/16/16 02:59 PM
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Originally Posted by SusieQ
I wish that rather than asking Dr Harley how to save this marriage (ie, I only want marriage saving advice) you had asked his advice about whether fighting for your marriage (nevermind for 2 years) is what he would advise you to do - and let him explain to his his reasoning so that you could let his insight marinate WHILE you continue to fight for your M.

It sounded like from something SMB posted that this wasn't your WW's first time straying (which was in line w/my impression from different things you had posted about your WW, that she has extremely poor boundaries and enjoys OS male attention). I also wish Dr Harley knew this.

I know you think that your WW's family being "decent" is something that should give you hope....but I actually feel the opposite, the fact that they have supported your W in demonizing you for your part in the marital issues actually works against you. That type of support only solidifies your WW's fog and could be a factor in how bad things have gotten in your situation (TRO, breaking into your home and trashing it, moving to be with the OM etc).

Just my 2 cents.....

I do not really know how to respond to this SusieQ...

I will say, I find sometimes I am just waiting for her to drop from her fog because I have nothing better to do (in terms of relationships)...

I don't know... how much longer is the wait to 2 years if I am already at 7 mos?

frown

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Guys,

Little update.

I accepted the head coach wrestling job that I was highly seeking after before my wife's affair... I was skeptical at first as to whether it was the right thing to do.

I prayed on it and I think its going to be a perfect.

I am pretty excited.

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Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
Guys,

Little update.

I accepted the head coach wrestling job that I was highly seeking after before my wife's affair... I was skeptical at first as to whether it was the right thing to do.

I prayed on it and I think its going to be a perfect.

I am pretty excited.

Congrats, WC!

This'll be a good thing for YOU! Enjoy.


Once I was BW. Now happily RE-married!
I was there. It's painful. It's hard.
But it's totally doable and worth it.
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Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
Guys,

Little update.

I accepted the head coach wrestling job that I was highly seeking after before my wife's affair... I was skeptical at first as to whether it was the right thing to do.

I prayed on it and I think its going to be a perfect.

I am pretty excited.
Congratulations!!


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Great
I am a big supporter of wrestling, great to hear that. One of the toughest sports around, but teaches so many lessons and skills.


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Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
Guys,

Little update.

I accepted the head coach wrestling job that I was highly seeking after before my wife's affair... I was skeptical at first as to whether it was the right thing to do.

I prayed on it and I think its going to be a perfect.

I am pretty excited.
Awesome news! Hope that you excel in coaching your students. Congratulations!


Married 31 years, 5 kids, 4 GK



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Hey all -

I am planning on applying for a pre-approval sometime in May. I want to try to keep the house so I will need to buy her out if she never comes around to her senses... Some things I have considered (please weigh in with your thoughts)

- I like this house, it has all the things required for me to keep my dogs too - which is another plus.

- My brother has said he might need a place to live, he said he would pay me to live here (which would definitely help sustain the mortgage pymt)

- I have one credit card I got when my WW took all the money and left me bone dry zero dollars... it still has a couple hundred dollars on its balance (no late payments or anything). I am planning on having that balance at zero before applying for the pre-approval.

Do I need to get the house appraised?

Will it matter to the bank that I currently "stuck" her with all the mortgage payments for the last couple months?

If I get approved for less than the value of my house, then I guess I am screwed...



I am really tired of the waiting game, but I really need to stay on top of the house situation...

Does anyone just think this is a crummy idea ?

Last edited by WrestlerChemist; 04/05/16 08:15 PM.
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You should move.

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I agree with apples.

Whether your wife pulls out of the fog and you choose to go through recovery at some point or you divorce and move on, you do not want to be stuck with the affair memories that surround your current home. It will be a breath of fresh air for you to move.

Sometimes the most 'logical' decision isn't all that logical at all. Saving a few bucks or not having to go through the hassle of moving is not worth the emotional impact.

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Just from a financial and housing standpoint, yes, I think it's crummy idea.

Also, if your wife comes back the two of you need a fresh start as a base for new habits....from my perspective whether she comes back or not a fresh start is good.

Find a pet friendly rental to share with your brother.


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From the standpoint of probability, that is, what action will give you the most likely chance for a positive outcome, you ought to get out of there. That doesn't mean disaster awaits you if you don't. It is common to underestimate the effects of triggers. While you are still in the thick of it, the triggers associated with your house may well be dwarfed by others. In time, you will find that the triggers that are not the chief ones now will yet prove to be more persistent. So by staying put, you are running a greater risk of drawing out your recovery for a longer time.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
mrEureka #2879537 04/06/16 09:06 AM
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Also, that house is a financial problem. Housing shouldn't be more than 25% of your take-home pay, including savings for repairs. You should not need a roommate to make the payments.

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Originally Posted by apples123
Also, that house is a financial problem. Housing shouldn't be more than 25% of your take-home pay, including savings for repairs. You should not need a roommate to make the payments.
We are not a financial advice forum. Our concern is with recovery. Would it be that retaining the house was financially beneficial, it wouldn't matter. The advice would be the same.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
mrEureka #2879539 04/06/16 09:57 AM
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Ok... So maybe I should move...

Ugh.

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I agree, triggers could haunt you. why risk the pain.

mrEureka #2879541 04/06/16 10:33 AM
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Originally Posted by mrEureka
Originally Posted by apples123
Also, that house is a financial problem. Housing shouldn't be more than 25% of your take-home pay, including savings for repairs. You should not need a roommate to make the payments.
We are not a financial advice forum. Our concern is with recovery. Would it be that retaining the house was financially beneficial, it wouldn't matter. The advice would be the same.

Certainly, I am simply pointing out that the house is a problem on multiple levels.

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Well for what it is worth... I don't really feel "triggers" at home. I have rearranged everything the way I like it. I put all her remaining items in the attic.

The only triggers I face now - and might be a good time to bring them up are TV, music and some other things (like restaurants, etc).

I just took my TV and put it away - and stopped watching NetFlix because all the shows we used to watch are there... I don't really listen to music anymore... but I still got to eat. I guess time heals those areas...

but if you all agree moving is the best option, maybe I should think about it more seriously rather than trying to save my current home.

Originally Posted by mrEureka
From the standpoint of probability, that is, what action will give you the most likely chance for a positive outcome, you ought to get out of there. That doesn't mean disaster awaits you if you don't. It is common to underestimate the effects of triggers. While you are still in the thick of it, the triggers associated with your house may well be dwarfed by others. In time, you will find that the triggers that are not the chief ones now will yet prove to be more persistent. So by staying put, you are running a greater risk of drawing out your recovery for a longer time.

It is possible that I am underestimating triggers at the moment...

For example, IN addition to TV, Music, restaurants, etc. my wife and I's favorite summer hobby was to play Frisbee golf. I have her name written with Sharpie on every single Frisbee we use... it has not been warm enough to play yet this year but I suppose I will need to Acetone her name off.


I just may be BS fogged out myself... wanted to keep my old lifestyle with or without her in it.

Last edited by WrestlerChemist; 04/06/16 10:45 AM.
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