**EDIT** I need to help my brother.

He is 40, has been married about 17 years and has 4 kids-16, 14, 10, 8. His wife recently revealed that she had an affair two years ago with a man from work for about 10 months (about the same time my WH started his affair). The affair has been over for about a year according to him and given her lack of combativeness about it, I tend to believe that. However, no EPs have been taken, of course. They both seem I interested in saving the marriage.

I have told him about MB, directed him here and told him about EPs, Plan A and POJA. I have also given him Dr. Harley's contact information and directed him to surviving an affair. I want to give him as many tools as possible as he is seeing counsellors and I don't want him to go down a useless, let alone harmful path. Any other advice?

Get him Surviving An Affair and send the beware of bad counselors

Have him listen to the clips in here.
Beware of Bad Counselors

Thank you

Looks like you've covered all the bases. I do hope he follows a plan rather than trying to wing it. Hope all is well with you.

They are seeing another counselor, but I keep encouraging them to come here. I'm just going to keep nudging as much as possible.

Is there absolutely anything I can do to get them on board with EPs? I've been encouraging my brother in this, but he is not really on board. He had taken to heart the 15 hours a week of UA time, but has not asked for EPs, which worries me--a lot.

I have tried my best to steer him here and told him my concerns about not protecting the marriage with Eps. Now my sister in law is taking a trip without him.

Any other thoughts? Has anyone been through this with someone not on this board. I know I can't make them do anything, but I need to give it my best shot.

Photo copy pages from Surviving An Affair and high light key concepts then send them to him. Or better yet review them with him in person as to why they are important to implement.

Can you get him to call the show? It's anonymous, and it's free. What has he got to lose? If he chooses to ignore your advice, though, don't beat yourself up. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

More to the point, you should never offer advice that is not asked for. If you think that is difficult to do with a brother, wait until you are dealing with adult children.

Giving unsolicited advice is disrespectful at its heart. It devalues the quality of the advice because of the perspective that it comes from - that is, the perspective that says "I know more and have a superior viewpoint". So, if your brother does not ask for help, you should not push it on him.

I am only giving it when he asks. I am careful about that, as I don't want him to stop asking ( I want him to keep asking until he wants to get on board--hopefully). He is just very reluctant when I do give him advice about EPs, probably because she is reluctant. The UA time was easy for them to agree to. I think he is still in shock. I can't get together with them in person as I am in CA and they are in IL. I am going to see if he'd be open to me sending them a cop of SAA next time he calls.

I also think my status as "getting divorced" also signals "failure" to them. But there is obviously nothing I could have done about my WH, who wasn't willing to do anything.

Ok, well, I will do my best to make these suggestions as much as he/they allow. I am sure adult children are even more heartbreaking.

I have a very close friend who has been in a bad marriage for years. Her husband takes business trips, spends a lot of time alone on his computer and has all of his devices locked down hard. He is very critical of her. I believe he has been committing adultery in some form or fashion for years probably. He is also an alcoholic and is verbally abusive.

I love this friend dearly and have attempted many times to give her MB advice on how to deal with her situation. I have offered to help her snoop, I have suggested she start a thread on here...the fact is she is very interested in the information when I give it, very excited about the prospects. BUT, after that she just 'chickens out' I guess. She has reasons for not wanting to leave him (albeit not good ones, IMO) and she knows that the advice would be to 1) find out the truth 2) expose it 3) go into Plan B ...and she doesn't want to do that. The last time she called me after fleeing the house and I was at a big event, I dropped what I was doing to talk her through next steps. She ended up going back and now we haven't spoken in the last month or so, I am guessing she is embarrassed to have gone back.

In any case, it is frustrating. It is frustrating on here even to see people come here in distress and be given advice, and they don't like it and disappear. It is hard because you know they are setting themselves up for more and more pain. But, it is a world of free choice, so you can only offer the information and it is their choice whether to take it. Hard when you love your brother tho, to see him going down the 'pain' path.

Great news!

My brother wants/is willing to talk with a man or couple who have saved their marriage with the MB approach. He was asking about exposure/EPs, etc.

My question is would Markos and Prisca (or just Markos) be willing to talk to him? I can just give a moderator his email address and the moderator can connect you guys directly. If there is another man or couple who is willing to talk with him if Markos and Prisca cannot, that would be helpful. I am also passing on Dr. Harley's information. I am not sure about that though as I think he is reluctant to be on the radio.

Quick note--his wife ended the affair over a year ago and wants to work it out, but is reluctant to expose. He has questions about exposure and EPs.

But he can talk to people who have saved their marriage right here on the forum. Why doesn't he do that? A forum poster would be giving him anecdotal evidence for how exposure and EPs worked for them. He can read accounts how MB saved marriages in about a million posts here.

However, Dr Harley devised MB, and he is the only person with the authority to explain his own concepts. If your brother has specific questions about parts of the programme, such as exposure and EPs, the best person to ask is Dr Harley himself. Your brother does not have to go on the radio to put questions to Dr Harley. On the radio programme, he deals with email queries all the time without the writer appearing in person.

I will ask him again if he would like to come on the forum. I also have asked him to talk to Dr. Harley directly first and will send SAA.

I think because I mentioned that there were couples and men who could help, he was interested.

He's contacting Dr. H!

Great news

Let us know if he goes on the show or just emails his questions to Dr. Harley.

I will. I'll let you know if my sis-in-law goes in too. He said that she was "open" to the idea of telling her family, but I told him that he should expose to her family even if she does not. I know that Dr. H would say the same. He hopes to do as much with her as possible. I hope she decides to do it as well.

Just an update--My brother said he was on the show a few weeks ago, but forgot the exact date. I wish there was a way for me to find it. I don't listen everyday, but when I can and I missed his.