No, it wasn't the best thing. The best thing is to get yourself under control so that you have more choices than just ignore her or blow up. Neither of those will win her.

We planned a family trip for my son's Spring Break starting this weekend out of state to see my parents. Originally we were supposed to go for Christmas, but due to D-Day we rescheduled for Spring Break during the (false) Recovery we had after D-Day.

Obviously WW doesn't want to go now. But she is also threatening to withhold permission for him to travel. Sigh. My parents will be devastated, they haven't seen my son in over two years! Flights are already booked and non-refundable, she really knows where to hit me.

I don't quite blame her. From what you've posted here, you're not very pleasant to be around. At times, yes, you can be fun. But that very easily flips to you just ignoring her in anger.

That's not very attractive. What can you do to change that?

Thanks for being judgmental.
It's not me this time. You can imagine a wayward wife meeting her mother in law. That should be pleasant.

Telling you that you need to up your game is not judgmental Helping people refine their approach is what we do here.
Do you want to Plan A or not?

Take the feedback, but realize you are not perfect. You will make mistakes, learn and adjust.
This is the hardest thing you will ever do.

I made so many mistakes. I never mastered it, but i also was not asking in the right place for help.
You are in the right place at least.

Thanks, I realize that.
I am definitely not perfect. If I were, I wouldn't be here in the first place! I have made many mistakes, starting with D-Day and my approach toward WW, groveling and begging. It is definitely the hardest thing I have ever done in my life!

Looking back, I think asking WW about her suicide letters was my biggest mistake. I think she used that to recruit her Enabler mother, cousin, and friend. I should have kept my mouth shut about those.

Then stop being passive aggressive towards those who are trying to help you.

Do you want to Plan A?

Yes, still trying.
What should my next step be?

I've been following along, and I'm by no means an expert. In fact, I ended up divorced. I did a pretty good Plan A, but my ex left before I even discovered the affair, so I didn't have to put up with all the abuse you have been subjected to. Take my comments with a grain of salt, but what is your motivation to save your marriage? It seems like you may just not like the idea of the financial cost of divorce. Or maybe your top priority is keeping the family together for your son. I could be wrong, of course. But if those are your main motivations, it will be extremely hard to not be resentful. In that case you might save more money and heartache by just facilitating a quick divorce. On the other hand, if you still love her, try looking at Plan A as temporary. It's just something you have to do as the person wanting to save the marriage. It's not fair, but it's what you have to do. Keep turning the other cheek. Put a time limit on it and remember that it won't be forever.

It's all of the above. To keep our family together, to have a nice childhood for my S11, to realize the dreams I've had for 20 years, and that I love her. Just last year we dreamed about retiring to the tropics after S goes to college!

I do still love her, but the person inhabiting her body now is very different from the one that I married 18 years ago. The meanness and coldness has been especially pronounced since I found out about her secret plan to file D while gaslighting me.

I don't really recognize the person talking to me any more. She talks to me in a different tone than she talks to other adults. Almost the same tone as talking to our S11. But really, when I think about it, her belittling tone may be just more apparent to me now. Before D-Day I ignored or overlooked to avoid conflict.

I do tell myself that it is temporary and keep hoping that she'll "snap out of it." But as you have seen, it is very hard to hang on to the hope with so much negativity coming out of her.

Okay, just making sure. There had been a lot of emphasis on the financial aspect, so I was just wondering. Believe me, I know it sucks. This is the hardest thing you'll ever do.

I think WW is hitting me on the financial part because that's the only thing she can do through the D using her L, and is what is most apparent at this point. Fortunately we already agreed on 50/50 for the custody of DS. I'm pretty sure she is doing this to hurt me back for the embarrassment of the Exposure, which she made a big deal about in her Request for Order. Is it normal for a WW to be so bitter about the Exposure? It's been five months since I exposed her EA. I can still hear the bitterness when she talks to her Enablers about it.

Fortunately, my L has boxed her L into a settlement agreement after answering each and every objection she had. Hopefully we can move past all this, then I can be more productive in Plan A.

You need to gain control over your emotions so that you can keep going without making big mistakes (such as spending an entire evening ignoring her).

Do you have a GSR meter? Are you on antidepressants?

You are making disrespectful judgments of your wife here. You do not know her motivations, and are making a big mistake. Holding on to such disrespectful judgments will make Plan A harder.

Listen to Prisca and Markos. They have great insights. It's easy to get defensive and feel the need to justify your reactions, but this isn't about what's fair. Everyone knows it's unfair. But they're helping you with your strategy. Try not to get defensive but use their insights to help you with your strategy for saving your marriage.

On better days, WW would sit in the living room and watch TV with me while DS does his homework at night. We would enjoy the programs and laugh at them. On bad days, when she was upset at me, she would go into the room DS is doing homework in and sit there. What should I do to engage her without appearing too needy and whiney?

Try to put your mind in another place and be cheerful. Think of something fun to do and invite her to join. If she declines, do it without her. When I was in Plan A I invited my WW to go to a local play. I also invited her to church. She told me she wouldn't go anywhere with me, but I kept inviting her. When she declined the invitation to church I just said, "Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me."

What about buying a big puzzle? Just tell her you're going to put it together and tell her she's welcome to join you. Think of activities you'd enjoy doing or trying and do them whether she accepts the invitation or not.

Well, these are just for evenings while DS is doing his homework, a couple hours a night. When we do things outside the house she generally joins us, mostly DS's baseball games or other activities.