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Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by newtopia
Any advice for the appt?

Yeah, don't go.

Therapy is a dream come true for a wayward who wants to abuse the BS and avoid taking responsbility for their actions and start making changes in their behavior.

Did anyone here tell you therapy was a good idea?

Did Dr Harley tell you to go to therapy?

WOW the appt was made before he even moved out. Its too late to cancel without a large bill.

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Originally Posted by SusieQ
What was the point of writing to Dr Harley if you were going to dismiss all of his advice and feedback, newtopia?

This is a serious question.

Honestly I never thought I would get chosen to be responded to. I would have taken much more time in writing the email. He asked many questions to which I have sent a further email to which I am hoping to get a response from.

Also MB is all pretty new to me, and I think I am still in total shock.

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Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by newtopia
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Dr Harley also pointed out that he was having an affair when he told you 9 months ago he wanted a divorce.
I have listened to the radio show like 5 times and recorded it, that is not in there at all.

Yes, he did say that. At about the 17:00 mark, he said when your H moved out, he was probably already in an affair or had a woman in mind for an affair - that that's the most common reason for a spouse to move out.

He touched on this again in the segment, more than a few times I believe.

Like I said, there is a huge denial issue going on here.

right, and he said, "while that is not 100% certainty, its the scenario that you often get" he also said "we can assume he's in a relationship with another woman"

I agree with plenty Dr Harley says but I'm sure he'll say that he isn't right 100% of the time.

Everyone can be wrong at any given moment. That's just logical.

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Excuse me?

Do I need to point out what you said to MelodyLane??

Quote
I have listened to the radio show like 5 times and recorded it, that is not in there at all
.

You said that it is not in there "AT ALL".

Dr Harley told you his advice. Of course he can't tell you 100% - he would need a PI and evidence to do that.

Are you being serious right now??


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Says who? I could spend the night with every man I know, every day of the week for the next month and never have sex with any of them.
And you are not a MAN crazy


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Originally Posted by newtopia
Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by newtopia
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Dr Harley also pointed out that he was having an affair when he told you 9 months ago he wanted a divorce.
I have listened to the radio show like 5 times and recorded it, that is not in there at all.

Yes, he did say that. At about the 17:00 mark, he said when your H moved out, he was probably already in an affair or had a woman in mind for an affair - that that's the most common reason for a spouse to move out.

He touched on this again in the segment, more than a few times I believe.

Like I said, there is a huge denial issue going on here.

right, and he said, "while that is not 100% certainty, its the scenario that you often get" he also said "we can assume he's in a relationship with another woman"

I agree with plenty Dr Harley says but I'm sure he'll say that he isn't right 100% of the time.

Everyone can be wrong at any given moment. That's just logical.

YNDTP


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
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YNDTPYJHTBBA


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
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you are fiddling while rome burns


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by newtopia
Also from what I have read, it says for give 3 weeks for plan A. Its been 1 week.

I looked under your username and it says you've been here since March 17. That's two weeks.

Also, you should start your Plan B preparations at the beginning of Plan A, immediately. Do you have that going, yet?

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
But before you begin plan A, prepare for plan B, which is to completely separate from your husband.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi8111_quit.html

It's too late to start your Plan B preparations before Plan A, so you'll have to do the best you can. Get ready. Are you following this part of the program?

So, is that a yes or a no? Are you going to do the program or not?

Do the program -> happiness (and help from posters here)
Not do the program -> continued misery (and I don't have time to waste on you)


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Yes, dr Harley told you that the affair was the reason why your husband wanted to leave. He said the affair had either started or he had a plan to start the affair. He said when a man wants to separate it is because they are having an affair. He told you that. And of course your husband had sex with his ow. He spent the night with her. I realize you want to deny this because your habit of denial is so entrenched but it is true, just as he has sex with the OW 10 years ago.

Dr Harley told you he didn't believe the polygraph.

And...and....and....
Your WH, in fact, DID text and stay overnight with a woman after he left.

However, you prefer to waste time debating reality with us.


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Originally Posted by newtopia
I agree with plenty Dr Harley says but I'm sure he'll say that he isn't right 100% of the time.

Everyone can be wrong at any given moment. That's just logical.

Dr. Harley has studied what couples do to have a good marriage for 50 years. You don't know anything about how to have a good marriage or recover from an affair. You are in the same shape most of us were when we got here.

Are you telling us you have no intention of following Dr. Harley's program? If so, please stop posting and wasting our time, because the whole point of this board is to help people follow Dr. Harley's program. For people like me who volunteer our time, that is what we are here to do. We are not here to watch people ignore the program and continue to live in misery; we can see that anywhere.

Are you doing your Plan B preparations or not? You've only got a week at most.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

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Originally Posted by newtopia
Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by newtopia
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Dr Harley also pointed out that he was having an affair when he told you 9 months ago he wanted a divorce.
I have listened to the radio show like 5 times and recorded it, that is not in there at all.

Yes, he did say that. At about the 17:00 mark, he said when your H moved out, he was probably already in an affair or had a woman in mind for an affair - that that's the most common reason for a spouse to move out.

He touched on this again in the segment, more than a few times I believe.

Like I said, there is a huge denial issue going on here.

right, and he said, "while that is not 100% certainty, its the scenario that you often get" he also said "we can assume he's in a relationship with another woman"

I agree with plenty Dr Harley says but I'm sure he'll say that he isn't right 100% of the time.

Everyone can be wrong at any given moment. That's just logical.

Yes, and you are not correct about 100% of the time. You are wrong at most given moments. All we have to do is read this thread to see that. That's just logical. Wouldn't you Agree?

And keep in mind that your husband has been able to cheat many times and you were not able to detect it while perfect strangers on the Internet knew it immediately.

The reason is because a) you are in denial and b) you are the least objective person on this thread.

Now, are you here to follow this program or are you here to waste more of our valuable time? If it's the latter, I think they should lock this thread.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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With all due respect, I have been here for 8+ years and have NEVER seen a BW as in denial as you are...to go so far as to try to muddy the waters and argue insignificant details that are meaningless to the big picture as this.

I mean are we going to debate what is IS next?

Your WH moved out to have an affair - he DID have an affair (despite the fact that you tried to convince us and Dr Harley that it was not an affair).

Exposure was the correct action (which we told you and Dr Harley confirmed)

Your WH continued anger of exposure is a sign that he was never serious about the marriage or recovery anyway (what we told you and what Dr Harley told you).

Your WH is not following EPs and is not following POJA and is continuing his IB (all of which you failed to mention to Dr Harley).

The next step is to prepare for Plan B.

Nobody is going to support anything different than this here. This is all STANDARD and NOT UP FOR DEBATE, despite your best efforts to distract us with meaningless info.


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You can cancel the appointment.
How could it cost you? Is it less than 24hours or whatever the therapist said to cancel?

Even if they would charge you somehow
it
is
still
better
not
to
go.







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Hello everyone. Therapy was rough, we went. Yes it would cost $175 if we didn't show up, if cancelled under 24 hours.

In reading and reading, I really feel like I haven't been totally serious with this. My pain, fog and weakness had taken over and I just couldn't think straight.

When I read and read about plan B, everything I can find talks about that it should be done when the WS will not stop contact. (which he had on his own at the time I found out)

I just found this...

"In general, a betrayed spouse's effort to encourage the wayward spouse to end the affair should address all the root causes of the affair, and offer a solid plan for marital recovery. It should not be one-sided, however. The plan should make the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse equally responsible for following the overall plan."

I do believe my husband is acting just like it is stated in the affair book.
It says that the BS usually expects the WH to express guilt and remorse but that doesn't always happen.

The first place to start would be to eliminate love busters. I don't believe I have done that. (at least not to the extent I really need to)

So really we need a "solid plan". He had just told me this morning that he is coming up with his part of the plan.

I don't believe I really did plan A right at all.

I'm considering getting a coach.







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Originally Posted by newtopia
Hello everyone. Therapy was rough, we went. Yes it would cost $175 if we didn't show up, if cancelled under 24 hours.

In reading and reading, I really feel like I haven't been totally serious with this. My pain, fog and weakness had taken over and I just couldn't think straight.

When I read and read about plan B, everything I can find talks about that it should be done when the WS will not stop contact. (which he had on his own at the time I found out)

We know what Plan B is intended for so don't even try that. It is intended for situations where the WS won't commit to recovery, whether than means ending the affair, agreeing to EP's or committing to recovery.

You don't need a "coach," you need to go into Plan B if your husband will not commit to this plan of recovery. Obviously a coach is not neccessary if he won't use the program.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by newtopia
So really we need a "solid plan". He had just told me this morning that he is coming up with his part of the plan.

WE gave you a "solid plan." It is the Marriage Builders plan. Your husband's only "part" should be to commit 100% to this program. Has he done that?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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ok my truth, If I go into plan B, It will be all out war. I KNOW this. I'm scared.

I feel there is quite the chance he'll be gone forever if I do Plan B, but I need to tell myself 1000000 times that what is the point if he stays and won't commit? This WILL happen again, I know it. and I guess the pain of divorce and all of that will more than likely be less than waiting another 10 years for this to happen again. (and living another 10 years totally unhappy)

Its like I'm choosing between divorce or staying with someone who won't commit. Maybe I've never felt like I deserve anything better.

How often do men commit after plan B?


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Originally Posted by newtopia
How often do men commit after plan B?


My XWH would certainly have agreed to a recovery plan but plan B made me realise how miserable my marriage had been and how much happier and better off I was without him. I think that is not uncommon for betrayed wives. The adultery was the tip of the iceberg, it is just hard to see that until you step away.


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Originally Posted by newtopia
ok my truth, If I go into plan B, It will be all out war. I KNOW this. I'm scared.

You will never know what he is doing, though, because in Plan B you have no contact with him at all. It is astoundingly refreshing. You don't see or talk to him or even find out what he is doing.

He can have all his arguments and war conversations in an empty room by himself, which is kind of entertaining when you think about it. smile

Besides, he is already waging all out WAR on you now! And you can never win this war. All you can do is protect yourself, which is what Plan B is for. If you do not protect yourself, this is going to start to take a toll on your mental health, your emotional health, and your physical health. Seriously, women who stay in situations like yours end up with compromised immune systems, post traumatic stress disorder, and all sorts of things you don't even want to hear about.

Quote
How often do men commit after plan B?

If you keep doing what you are doing he will never commit.

Your choices are:
1. Keep doing the bad marriage culture things you are doing like staying with him, and be miserable for the rest of your life (and probably end up hospitalized or institutionalized when this starts to take a toll on your health and mind - I'm not joking or exaggerating)
2. Start doing good marriage cultures things like Plan B - enter good marriage culture and hope he follows, but end up happy even if he does not

Plan B protects you from his insanity and all at war.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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