From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Just because you ask him to do something does not mean he has to do it, unless it is a matter of protection. For example, extraordinary precautions to protect you frmo another affair is a reasonable thing to DEMAND. Demadning that he put together a bike is not reasonable. And bringing up this type of stuff when your marriage is at such great risk is a distraction.


Of course it is reasonable to ask him to get STD testing. That is a matter of protecting your health. A non-negotiable issue.


This is a complete distraction and you need to drop it. Seeing his mother proves NOTHING. Extraordinary precautions and a completely transparent lifestyle will show you the affair is over. However, the OW's husband has already told you the affair is still active.

So what do I do now, he only left home on one day ago. The truck will be around for another couple of months, it will take time to sell this, he will get the STD test when he is ready. He is staying at his fathers and sends me a GPS shot of his location at night?

Should we stay this way until the truck is sold?

I would go to him with a plan in hand. The first part is affair proofing your marriage and protecting you from his affair. The plan is basically that he do everything on the checklist in addition to finding a job that would not allow him to have affairs. He would also need to get a new cell phone # and/or exchange phones with you right now. You need to think of every possible way he has to connect with the OW and he has to eliminate it. He also has to get STD testing, that is absolutely not negotiable. There can be no guesswork. You have to have PROOF that he not in contact.

The second part is to create a romantic marriage using these concepts.

If he can agree to all these steps and PROVE to you his affair is over, then you have a chance and he should come home.

If he won't do those things, tell him thank you, go home and change the locks and go into a dark Plan B.


That is proof of nothing. He can still hook up with the OW and talk all night with her. You need to get more savvy here.

I have asked him to come home and he does not want to as he believes that I will bring up seeing his mother every day. I have sent him the check list above and mentioned that I hope he sells the truck and changes his cell phone one day.

I know that he misses his kids. I think that is the most I can do at this time.

Will let you know what he comes back with in a few days time.

That is not enough. And telling him you "hope" he sells his truck and changes his cell phone is not enough. These are the only conditions under which you will be safe with him. Not doing those things has to be a deal breaker.

You need to contact him immediately and give him your conditions. He either agrees to every item and follows through with actions or you should change the locks and go into Plan B.

I would stop threatening him with his mother and ask her to come another time. Focus entirely on saving your marriage.

Let me make an important point: your husband will NEVER take this seriously unless YOU take it seriously. "Hoping" he takes certain steps and muddying the waters with completely unrelated issues [like bike building and seeing his mother] tells me you don't take this seriously yourself.

Hope is not a plan. Hope does not save marriages; ACTIONS do. Compliance with the checklist coupled with other affair proofing measures such as getting another occupation is the ONLY plan you should be following. If he won't follow that, then change the locks and send him a Plan B letter.

This is the Marriage Builders Guidance Forum. We are here to guide you through a proven program that restores marriages. We have restored our own marriages by following this program. You have been told what you need to do. You choose to ignore that and do your own thing. We don't need to hear what is going to happen, because we have seen it all before. Your husband is going to continue his affair, because there is no reason to stop. You will continue to assert different litmus tests like demanding that his mother confront him, all of which will serve to prove nothing, but will distract you from effectively addressing the affair. Your marriage will limp along until one of you decides to put an end to it.

So, are you interested in following a real recovery plan, or are you going to keep doing your own thing?

Your WH has been gaslighting you for so long that you are in your own fog. You know for a fact that your WH can look you in the eye and lie. He has been doing it for years.

Yet you believe there may be some truth in your WH's claim that this is some unknown person out to get your WH? Why don't you call the number yourself and find out how your WH is still communicating with OW? The OW's BS has opened the door for you to get some good evidence. Stop second guessing and VERIFY the facts. That is crucial in killing an affair.

It reminds me of the case where the wife caught her husband in bed with another woman and the husband convinced his wife that she imagined it.


Stop listening to him. Look at his actions. Has he agreed to anything on the list? Why are you asking him to come home when he is not at all interested in implementing the EP's and protecting you and the marriage?

It is a death of a thousand cuts.

From the check list is what we have done so far.

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse. UNKNOWN

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again. He says he has not spoken to her since December when I caught him out.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse. Did not happen, is it to late to do this if he is telling the truth about not speaking to her since December?

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP. I have access to his mobile phone bill, e-mail address and he has closed all social networking accounts.

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers). He is a truck driver and it is his business so that's why he cannot change the mobile phone at this time, until it is sold.

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent). He only draws small amounts from the bank now, not the thousands he was doing during the affair.

_____Spend leisure time together. We are separated, he is living with his dad

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary. As above

_____Avoid overnight separation. Living at Dad's

_____Allow technical accountability - Unsure of what this is?

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends. Done this step and he does not want to see him mother at all.

Now that we are separated and only communicate via text eg how is your day. I have sent him the check list again. I am feeling better that we are not arguing anymore but given what we have tried to achieve and he says he is not talking to her. He is stressed out over it all and I am like a yoyo and he says he cannot deal with it. I am trying to get under control and feel better that he has left the house.

Should I cut off all communication at this point? What is the recommendation noting what we have done already.

I know that I stayed in Plan A for to long many months and now I my health has gone down hill. I went to the doctor yesterday and my stomach is inflamed and is causing my chest pains regularly. They are still looking for a medical solution and I told him my circumstances at home and he said it has a lot to do with it.

I wrote the letter recommended in Plan B because I could no longer turn a blind eye top my health and sent it to my husband via email and to the mistress. Once I sent it my husband was constantly calling and I answer the phone and he said "could I come and see you and at least discuss this." He came over and I went to him with a plan as you mentioned. I stated to him that I don't believe that communication had ceased and because it has not been formally ended (just putting each others number on block, it did not make sense) and it is just an accident waiting to happen and I cannot go through this again. He told me that he spoke to her on Sunday to find out the reason why he was thrown out and also contact the mistresses husband. Their marriage has ended and he does not want ours to survive either. Admittedly I had no proof of communication, only a text message from the mistresses husband. But I know he wants revenge, so I don't know if he just suspects but I know he has lied to me as well and made matters worse, so I have chosen not to speak to him.

He does not want to move home until he has done the things on the checklist (because I will nag him until it is done) and believes it should take him a month, so he will not be moving back in until this is done. He has agreed to sell the truck and change his phone number and the STD test. I told him not to worry about seeing his mum as you said I am getting side tracked. The conversation was productive.

In plan B is says no contact and he does text me every day and tells me he loves and misses me. So I guess we are doing Part A & B trying to get off the starting blocks and meet emotional needs without love busters. Is there anything wrong with this or am I going to set myself up for a fall again? I don't believe he has written the letter to her yet in the check list. Should I suggest this or wait for him to do it so I know it is genuine?

Were you under the influence of narcotics when you wrote the above statements?

The problem is that you are not taking this seriously and are being willfully obtuse. I am not sure how we can help someone who is being silly.

Lied to you? He told you the truth! The only liar here is your husband. YOUR HUSBAND EVEN TOLD YOU HE WAS STILL IN CONTACT. So what is the BH lying about?? This poor BH has tried to help you wake up but you would rather pretend that HE is the liar rather than your LIAR husband. That is DELUSIONAL.

Your husband is a demonstrated, practiced LIAR who has victimized this betrayed husband. The liar here is your husband, of course.

I remember when I contacted the BH in my own case. He accused me of manufacturing things and being a jealous, raging, vengeful person. I was dumbfounded by that because we had known each other for a few years and I was never that person.

It wasn't until I found MB that I saw in all the other threads that it is a common wayward tactic to accuse the other BS of being a psycho. Most of the time the BS believes it even when it makes no sense.

The BH in your case is not being vengeful...he is trying to help you protect yourself. Your marriage is failing because your husband is continuing his affair and gaslighting you. Not because the OW's BH is trying to inform you of the truth.


Why on earth will it take a month to implement the EP's?

The point here should be that YOU will not allow him to move home until he can implement the EP's. He is not driving this bus.



The conversation was only productive for your WH who has continued to manipulate you and gaslight you into thinking that he is serious.


There is no such thing as Plan A & B. This is not the MB plan and will not work.

Be smart hickstt.

Great post, pokerface. She is in deep denial.

I contacted the mistresses husband. He is intending to let his spouse move back in and wanted to confirm that communication had ended. He had no proof of communication between them and neither did I. She is threatening if he does not let her move back in that she will be moving down the road from me.

As I explained to him, there are no cash transactions from the bank, no phone call, no emails, no proof, so I have thrown my husband out based on his text message, on assumptions and no facts.

The next day my husband went to work and the mistresses husband had advertised our conversation to our customers and where making fun. I feel further humiliated because I had confided in him in confidence. I don't want to talk to the mistresses husband as he brings up details of the affair that happen months ago and its just hurting me and I am falling more in to depression. If I am trying to put a marriage back together how is this helping?

My husband sent the letter on the check list the next day and we have agreed to sell the truck with his phone number as the customer base will be included in the sale price.

Where do I go from here, do I still cut off all communication with my husband and step forward in Plan B or does he move back in and continue working through Surviving an Affair. I don't quite understand how to transition back into recovery or when is it a good time to recommence this? Everything is a mess.

Actually you DID have proof. Your husband TOLD YOU he was in touch with his mistress. Did you tell her husabnd?


This is not true. You know for a fact taht your husband told you they were in touch. Did you tell the OW's H this?


How is it helpful to keep your husbands affair a secret? The OWH did nothing wrong. Your humiliation comes from your husband's trashy behavior.


I already told you:

Here is the "proof written by you on 2879780 - 04/14/16 05:50 PM

I am trying MelodyLane, I just want to crawl under a rock right now and be left alone.