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Contest the divorce and do not sign the papers without delaying as much as possible. please seek legal advice, there is no way you should just roll over and make this easy for him.

I'm not sure how your financials are, with savings etc, but I have known some people in similar situations to resign from their job while the divorce is going on and for a while after. It depends on where you live and the best thing is to see an attorney.

Have you exposed his affair?

Have you told his family? friends? Affairs thrive in secrecy so expose and the reaction he gets from those others may give him something to think about.

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Originally Posted By: lostinNM
Probably I can never cut off communication - WH is sophisticated and the number of communication channels on the internet is infinite.


All of these holes need to be closed. Any possible avenue needs to be closed and/or monitored. Even if it means that he goes to a flip phone and you are the only person who has access to the internet. You could shut down the internet during the day and it can only come on when you are home. You need to figure this out. So yes, you MUST cut off communication avenues together or you will never be safe.

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Meanwhile MIL is writing WH and claiming I am keeping him "chained "and I am horrible wife, not subservient enough, on and on. WH is rejecting her, but these words surely poison our relationship and right now imperil my ability right now to confront him about snooping without driving us apart again.


I would ask him to cut off communication with her altogether. Ask him to send her a letter telling her that there will be no contact until she apologizes to you and agrees to stop being a marriage wrecker. He needs to protect you from his destructive, hateful family. If you need help with this, you can email Dr Harley at the radio show and enlist his help.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I just read that he's back. What a terrible MIL you have. She is toxic, how very nasty. Supporting the destruction of your marriage and not thinking about her granddaughters....unbelievable.

Maybe you need to move....but far far away from your MIL.

Definitely speak to the head-teacher at the school.

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I had previously posted in 'affairs'. Now we're getting divorced -he left me three weeks ago for OW. He immediately started living with her and is planning to marry her. OW is our former "nanny" who had been living with us for 5 years as WH and I both had injuries/disabilities and young kids. (Yes I was stupid and excessively trusting). I'm now completely better from my injury, but he is getting steadily worse with a degenerative disease.

Plan B is not working because we have young kids. We communicate a lot and see each other roughly weekly to coordinate their care and the details of the divorce. When the kids are at one house they FaceTime with the other of us, so we see each other and each others' lives that way too. We are going to visit a child psychologist who wants to see us together. Is this bad? I don't actually mind. I'm just numb when I see him. I feel like I have to be 'amicable' so that he and OW don't 'steal' the children from me or alienate them from me - a real danger because the kids love both him and OW. At the same time I feel like I have to actually encourage him to be with OW because otherwise MIL would come to take care of him and she is horrible, and will definitely try to steal the children off to another country and/or tell them bad things about me, as she has in the past. I'm trapped in this situation by these obscene laws that insist on joint custody, clearly designed by sadists. My lawyer says I can't argue for sole custody because his disability isn't severe enough - even quadriplegics get joint custody in this state. I am very angry at what he did, I cry myself to sleep every night but when I see him I feel nothing. Luckily I haven't had to see her - I don't what would happen if I had to. So we're not really doing plan B. Is this bad? Ultimately everything pales compared to my fear of losing the children, who are all I left of my broken family, and I will do anything to save them and my relationship with them including having to see him, and her and being 'amicable'.

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Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.

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Has your WH actually filed for divorce?

You need to stop being a doormat and afraid...no one is going to steal your children off to another country. crazy


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted By: lostinNM
We are going to visit a child psychologist who wants to see us together. Is this bad? I don't actually mind. I'm just numb when I see him. I feel like I have to be 'amicable' so that he and OW don't 'steal' the children from me or alienate them from me - a real danger because the kids love both him and OW. At the same time I feel like I have to actually encourage him to be with OW because otherwise MIL would come to take care of him and she is horrible, and will definitely try to steal the children off to another country and/or tell them bad things about me, as she has in the past.


Alot of huge issues here. First off, being in contact with him is completely inappropriate and will have very damaging effects on your mental and physical health. The REASON that Dr Harley recommends Plan B in 3 weeks is because women have nervous breakdowns and psychosomatic illnesses from direct contact. There is absolutely no reason you should not go into a dark Plan B.

I think it is also disgusting that you are allowing your children to be around your H's adultery partner with full exposure to his affair. You are helping him teach your children that wrong is right. I would shut that down immediately and insist they not be exposed to his filthy affair. I cannot begin to imagine the moral confusion your children feel right now.

Keep your MIL out of your lives.

Have you told your children about the affair?? How old are they?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The children were told that their nanny would become their step mom! This is completely awful but how do I stop it practically speaking? The law is on his side. The law says anyone can get divorced - I can't contest the divorce, I can only contest the terms of the divorce. We live in a no fault state - his affair means nothing, the law says he gets half the money and at least 1/3 time with the kids. I can't stop him from getting married, and unless there is abuse or drug use, I can't keep him from the children or from joint custody. I looked up previous case law where judges ruled that the ex-wife has no grounds to keep the children from the nanny (husbands' new girlfriend) because clearly the nanny a good caregiver - the ex-wife hired her in the first place and kept her on. The whole thing is sick and the law and the whole structure of society is set up to encourage it.

It's totally confusing to the kids (5 and 8. They don't understand any more what marriage means any more and they are completely confused why he pledged to me in a 'renewal of the vows' ceremony one day, and then left me for her two days later.

Meanwhile all his divorced relatives are encouraging him or consoling him - after all they did it too.

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I have a police report I am using as grounds to prevent the children from seeing MIL. That's the only consolation!

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NM is a mixed fault state. You can file or counterfile citing adultery and abandonment...and it is taken into consideration for custody.

Has your WH actually filed for divorce or not?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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The kids have three citizenships each... MIL comes from another country where all her and his relatives live, so she or he could take the kids there. It would be illegal. But I looked it up - it happens and most kids aren't recovered in such situations. I can hide the passports. They'd have to commit forgery to get the kids new US passports but they may be able to pull off getting the kids their foreign passports. MIL always liked to tell us how much better it is in her/his home country, and the health insurance is so much better for his disabilities. So it's very scary. I feel like I'm a hostage here. I've reached out to his foreign relatives to tell them in a gentle way what happened, to at least get my story out first and keep that communication open in case I could need their help getting the kids back in the future.

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Originally Posted By: lostinNM
The children were told that their nanny would become their step mom! This is completely awful but how do I stop it practically speaking?
]

You disallow him to take the kids around his adultery partner. I would tell him in writing that the kids are not to be exposed to his adultery partner. Then have your lawyer get this put in your papers. When you ask you lawyer, he will say it can't be done, but IT CAN. Almost every person here had this put in their papers. Your lawyer needs to use this as a bargaining chip.

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The law is on his side.


Of course it is when you surrender.

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It's totally confusing to the kids (5 and 8. They don't understand any more what marriage means any more and they are completely confused why he pledged to me in a 'renewal of the vows' ceremony one day, and then left me for her two days later.


They are confused because you haven't told them what happened. The kids need ot know that their dad is committing adultery with skanky and that she has helped break up their family. Your kids instinctively KNOW something is wrong, but if you don't validate this, they will assume their instincts about right and wrong are INCORRECT.

If you don't teach them right from wrong, your husband and his hoe will teach them that wrong is right.

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Meanwhile all his divorced relatives are encouraging him or consoling him - after all they did it too.


You can't help that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Also, did you report the OW to the nanny agency so she gets deported?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: black_raven
NM is a mixed fault state. You can file or counterfile citing adultery and abandonment...and it is taken into consideration for custody.


And this is the case in even no fault states. In Texas, adultery is taken into account in custody and property division.

It sounds to me like you need to buck up here and start fighting for you and your kids. Handing your kids over to the adulterers IS NOT PROTECTING YOUR KIDS. Who will protect them if you won't? NO ONE.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: lostinNM
I've reached out to his foreign relatives to tell them in a gentle way what happened, to at least get my story out first and keep that communication open in case I could need their help getting the kids back in the future.


What does "in a gentle way" mean? Can you explain in straightforward language?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Third time...

Originally Posted By: black_raven
Has your WH actually filed for divorce or not?


Please answer.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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No, he hasn't filed yet.

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Originally Posted By: lostinNM
No, he hasn't filed yet.


Then why in the world are you doing any of the things you are doing? You can be in Plan B and not let him have visitation if your kids are being brought around his ho. If he wants a divorce so bad he can file. Stop enabling his foolishness and delusions.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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There is no divorce filing and no court order. I hope you have cut him off financially. You should protect your assets and children. You have not been doing that.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted By: lostinNM
Ultimately everything pales compared to my fear of losing the children, who are all I left of my broken family, and I will do anything to save them and my relationship with them including having to see him, and her and being 'amicable'.


Are you more interested in being perceived as "amicable" than you are protecting yourself and your children? It is not virtuous to sacrifice your well being and the well being of your children on the alter of their father's destructive affair. Your first obligation is to protect your children and protect yourself emotionally, physically and financially. YOU ARE NOT DOING THAT.

I would put aside these delusional notions of "amicability" and start taking care of your family.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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