Some things I know:

1 - My affair never had a physical component. Whether it would have had my BH not blown it to pieces we all (blessedly?) will never know.
2 - My BH is not engaged in an affair. Anyone who knows him at all would know his rigid adherence to a code of personal behavior and insistence on integrity render that suggestion nonsensical. Even during our post-discovery MC sessions, I had to admit that I had never known him to lie.
3 - I never lauded him as being a "great guy", at least as most people would understand the term. He will never pass on an opportunity to correct perceived errors, and cares little for the disapproval of others. "Go along to get along" is not part of his philosophy.

Some things I do not know:
1 - Is it even conceivable, as has been suggested, that a seven-year "false recovery" could be conducted by the BETRAYED spouse? And for what purpose? He needn't have strung me along all this time, planning to leave our marriage; he could have done that at once.

markos, to demonstrate how deeply I'm trying to devise a strategy to re-attract my BH, I read the thread "Using Resentment As A Weapon" on the Recovery Section. Way back in July 2012 you wrote this (my highlight):


So you recognize that even in a marriage that you each (probably with reason) hold up to be of high level, love banks can be "empty" at times.

And had you not had the coaches to whom you are deservedly grateful during a "love bank empty" period you might have done....what? Obviously my BH's choice was to give up. He might have chosen to pursue an affair, or lash out at me, or....or.... but he evidently internalized his condition.

2 - So how do I be the "pump primer" with no contact with him?

I wouldn't describe our marriage in 2012 as being of high level. That's why the love banks were frequently empty.

Are you the husband?

If your husband had such a code, he would not have thrown everything he has built over the years away just because of a few letters.

Snoop.

I'm sorry to say that one recurring pattern we have seen around here is the husband who finds out about his wife's fidelity - when he has secretly been unfaithful himself the whole time. Such a husband often uses the discovery as an opportunity to torture his wife and take his own affair to the next level and rub her face in it and make it out to be her fault even though it was preexisting.

I hope that is not what is going on in your case but your husband moving out makes me VERY suspicious. Where has he gone? What is he doing while gone? A typical husband would come home after a very short while wanting sex. And in fact I would think a typical husband would insist that you move out rather than doing so himself.

I think you absolutely need to get busy and find out what your husband is up to. There is a good chance that his "deep moral code" is just a smokescreen.

A few letters that anybody with more than two functioning neurons would have not been surprised about.

This story doesn't hold together. If this were a book, I'd be returning it unfinished to the library about now. And it is not like I am all that challenged when it come to my ability to suspend disbelief. I'm a Star Trek fan, after all!

I agree. I made this point previously but it was ignored. He has another girl in all likelihood.

I agree with others that something is amiss here. Reading those letters would be a painful trigger, but based on everything you've shared, your husband's reaction makes no sense. All I can tell you is had I discovered piles of love letters from my wife's affair, which I now know everything about, they would not stir anything near that kind of reaction. One of the hardest aspects of an affair is the lies and the fact that you have been discarded for someone else. Since you love your husband and are no longer in the affair, and since you have come clean, this should not drive him out of the house. Either you haven't shared the whole story, you're marriage hasn't recovered and his love bank was already empty before the discovery, or there is something going on with your husband that you don't know about.

Based on things you have said here, calling yourself a 'taker' and him a 'giver' amongst several other comments, it sounds to me like although he woo'd you back and kept on filling your EN's and investing in an MB marriage, you did not do the same for him. If this was the case and you were happy, but he was not and was sacrificing, it is very possible his lovebank would be empty after 7 years. THEN to find a huge reminder of the betrayal, it might have just been the straw that broke the camels back.

If that is the case, and he has simply decided that he no longer wants to work on recovery, he has every right to make that decision.

But, that does not mean disregard the idea of an affair. It is absolutely possible despite what you think of his character. I would highly suggest you rule that out before anything else.

unwritten, with the assistance of the clips BrainHurts sent me to hear, I believe your analysis aligns with what happened. So many changes occurred in our lives since 2009 (bought a second home, now have 4.5 grandchildren) that I never paid much attention to giving him the attention and care he was giving me.

Do you have any ideas for me on attracting him back?

Lia, it's impossible for a woman to attract a man back if there's an affair going on, so the absolute first thing you must do is investigate and find out.

If we want to help Lia, we can't let this get ignored.

Have you snooped yet?

If he was sacrificing, then he wasn't investing in a MB marriage.

Some of this just doesn't make sense. You say that he offered you the opportunity to earn back his trust, and the picture you paint suggests that you did indeed earn it back. You paint the picture of a happy marriage - happy on both sides. You spent time together and met each other emotional needs. You don't say that he met your needs while you did very little on your part - you make it sound very mutual and satisfactory. He "gave you an opportunity" and you lived up to it. That is why he stayed for seven years.

How, then, can it be that, if you were "striving to supply those needs", you were not meeting his needs? How can he have been running on empty if you "carefully explored what was important to each other"? Did he lie to you about what he wanted from you? Did he lie to you about being happy? What possible reason could there have been, if he did that? And how did he manage to fake happiness for seven years?

Personally, I just think this is NeverGuessed pretending to be his wife in an attempt to circumvent being, as I understand it, banned from the MB forums for lying and posting false stories.


If this is actually Mrs. NeverGuessed, how exactly does NeverGuessed leaving you and not speaking a word to you the last couple weeks square with the story you both appear to be telling on another forum, where he gave you a surprise trip to New York for your birthday just last week?

Your writing styles couldn't BE more transparent. I just fail to understand the motivation. Why make up these stories??? Why would a guy that has always claimed such honorable intentions and motivations stoop to fictionalizing infidelity and recovery stories on infidelity forums robbing time and attention from persons that are REALLY struggling??? Is everything you ever posted a fabrication?

Just makes no sense.

Well, I now understand why my BH felt it necessary to leave � and on balance it�s probably worse than the affair most of you were sure was underway.

As he is retired, as the employed spouse I remain the �owner� of our health insurance, and today received the normal periodic account statement. When I opened it the first word I saw was �Oncology�! BH had prostate cancer ten years ago.

Please pray for us as I try to find out what this new situation is.

I thought he never lied to you??? He certainly didn't leave MB of his own accord.

I'm sorry your husband appears to harbor more lies than you were aware of.

Were you also unaware of his fabrications on other chat forums??? Posing as both you and himself, apparently????

I certainly don't hope cancer on anyone but in light of all the fabrication, it's hard to believe any of this. I mean...JUST as you are confronted about your story... you happen to open this ominous cancer envelope??? Why even add overly specific words explaining it was "your normal periodic account statement" like you'd have to explain to anyone your alarm your husband may have a reoccurrence of his cancer.

NG - just tell me why you do it??? Do you want to come back to MB??? Who do you think these fake stories help???

I'm also very surprised that no one caught on that not only did S....Vic.. and NeverGuessed supposedly live in the same house, use the exact same posting style and verbose words, both supposedly endured strictly emotional affairs where both OM's subsequently died, they both take the same vacations to Caribbean Islands (Isn't your timeshare in June) and to North Carolina (to visit grandchildren and spend time on the outer banks) but they also shared the same birthday in both places.

What are the odds?

Are you saying that he knew, or feared, a recurrence of his cancer, and that's why he up and left you, without a word of explanation, to worry yourself sick?

Why would someone who had cancer do that? And why did he tell you that he was leaving because of the emails? Why would he want you to feel so bad?

None of your story makes sense.