I looked over the site and what the books are about does not really apply to us, we have friends and its never been an issue.

he left the house for several nights and would not return my calls.

I still feel like not enough was said.

Thank you Melodylane.
I have read through the site over and over,and have listened to podcast's that all say communication is the number one reason why relationships fail.

Restoring Love versus Resolving Conflicts

Before I discuss with you some of the details of a well-conceived plan to resolve conflicts and restore your love for each other, I will focus attention on the highest priority of such a plan -- restoring love.

I know of no marriage, including my own, that is free of conflict. That's because every couple is made up of two distinctly different people, with different experiences, interests and emotional predispositions. Regardless of the compatibility a couple creates in marriage, a husband and wife will always have somewhat different perspectives, and those differences will create conflict. Conflicts over money, careers, in-laws, sex, child rearing, and a host of other common marital issues are part of the experience of being married.

Some couples feel that if they could only rid themselves of certain conflicts, they would be happy together. But I've discovered that marriages can be terrific in spite of conflicts, even when some of them are never fully resolved. The difference between couples who live in marital bliss and those who regret ever having met each other is not found in whether or not they are free of conflict -- it's found in whether or not they are in love with each other.

From my years of experience trying to save marriages, I have come to the conclusion that the goal of restoring and sustaining love in marriage is much more important than the goal of resolving conflicts. Ultimately, of course, both goals are important, but by making love my highest priority, I found myself rejecting many popular approaches to conflict resolution because they tend to sacrifice a couple's love for each other. The way I now encourage couples to resolve their conflicts is to only use procedures that will also build their love.

Most marriage counselors are so focused on conflict resolution that they forget about building a couple's love for each other. But it's easy to understand why they tend to ignore the feelings of love -- the couples they see usually want help in resolving their conflicts, not restoring their love. It's the couples themselves that usually fail to see the importance of being in love. And when the loss of love really is the issue, couples rarely believe it can be restored, at least to the level it once was. They think that if their conflicts are resolved, and they are given the freedom to create independent lifestyles, they will be able to survive their marriage. They feel that all marriages eventually lose passion, but when that happens a husband and wife can still remain married if they are "mature" enough.

If you have seen a marriage counselor, and have been disappointed with the results, it's probably because you've spent all of your time trying to resolve your marital conflicts instead of restoring your love for each other. Even if you made progress in resolving some of your conflicts, you still may have been unhappy with your marriage. I receive letters regularly from those who find that they want to divorce in spite of a peaceful relationship. Even when a husband and wife are each other's best friends, they often divorce when the passion is gone.

Hi 125, welcome to Marriage Builders. Yes, the program does work. The goal of the program is to help you fall in love again. This is done by eliminating behavior that causes you to fall out of love and employing behavior that creates romantic love. Rarely is "communication" the main problem. Couples who are in love have no trouble communicating.

I would suggest reading hte articles and then getting the books Lovebusters and His Needs, Her Needs. There is also a workbook called Five Steps to Romantic Love that has all the worksheets.

Here is a good start: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

And then go to the first thread in this forum and read through all the links. It will be very helpful.

We were both angry, I went somewhere where he told me not to go, and did not think it would be that big of a deal because to me his reasoning was silly. I do not ever want to feel that again,he left the house for several nights and would not return my calls.

MelodyLane, thank you this is very helpful and exactly what we need.

living_well Yes,I know where he was and do have access if needed.I also got notification that the alarm was disabled at the office and he did text me to tell me where he was,he left after the kids where asleep and was home before they woke up.I would never think him to have an affair,its just not in his nature and jealousy has never been a part of our marriage.

Thanks for the insight,and again not in his nature. I knew where he was,I actually had his phone last night where he gave it to me to see a photo of a painting he did. I looked through other photos and he got messages while I was on it and I did not see anything out of the normal.


Does anyone know if these books can be found in audio form,its the only way I would be able to get my hubby to read.

Thanks for the insight,and again not in his nature.

living_well I would never think him to have an affair,its just not in his nature and jealousy has never been a part of our marriage.

I went somewhere where he told me not to go, and did not think it would be that big of a deal ...he left the house for several nights and would not return my calls.

Pokerface,I was on a trip with my mom for a sports event in San Diego,we had the option of a 6 hour layover in Vegas.I have never been and my husband is very against the place,he told me you are not going there and I mean it.Well my mom payed for the flight and it was the best flight she could find last minute.We went and spent a few hours on the strip and had lunch.I did not think about it and when I got home I showed him the photos and he blew up,he told me not to go and that lied to him by going.In my defense,I have always wanted to go and he is to hard headed to listen to what I have to say,when he gets something in his head there is no reasoning with him. We have talked it over and he said he was upset because I deliberately went behind his back and did what he told me not to do.Yes,I did do that but, was I really in the wrong.