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How should I handle it if I'm feeling bad about something unrelated to my spouse and have a need to talk to him about it, and he says he has a need not to talk? Following the PoJA, I shouldn't talk, right? But what can I do to deal with my feelings, especially now that I'm feeling hurt that he didn't want to talk about it, as well as still feeling bad about the original problem? And this is happening during UA time?

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Originally Posted by smallpeace
How should I handle it if I'm feeling bad about something unrelated to my spouse and have a need to talk to him about it, and he says he has a need not to talk? Following the PoJA, I shouldn't talk, right? But what can I do to deal with my feelings, especially now that I'm feeling hurt that he didn't want to talk about it, as well as still feeling bad about the original problem? And this is happening during UA time?

smallpeace, was your husband saying he didn't want to talk about THAT subject or he just doesn't want you to talk at all?


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Well, one of the first things to say is that UA time should be enjoyable. Therefore, you shouldn't really be attempting to talk about something you feel bad about.

Was the subject something that could have spoiled your UA time?

I realise that there is another issue - that of whether you should talk to him at all about something that matters deeply to you, that he does not want to talk about - but let's deal with UA time first.


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PS - what happened about your email to Dr Harley?

Your husband puzzles me, and I don't think you went all out to rule out an affair.


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He talked to me about it for a while, but kept trying to change the subject as we were talking. Then he said he just didn't want to talk about it anymore, and wanted to spend our time doing something more enjoyable to him.

The subject was just some insecurity issues I have involving other things in my life and wasn't something that would have spoiled our UA time for me, since intimate conversation is one of my needs and makes me feel closer to him. It's not something I talk about very often. But it was spoiling the UA time for him.

SugarCane, I never emailed Dr. Harley. I appreciate your advice to do so and see how it might help, but I feel uncomfortable with the idea of being on the radio show.

I guess I didn't go all out to rule out an affair. I looked at his cell phone record and didn't see any unusual numbers, and I asked him directly if he was having an affair. I don't think there's any way he could be having a physical affair, since I can account for most of his time. I guess an emotional affair is possible, but if that's happening, the other woman is completely unknown to me.


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Originally Posted by smallpeace
He talked to me about it for a while, but kept trying to change the subject as we were talking. Then he said he just didn't want to talk about it anymore, and wanted to spend our time doing something more enjoyable to him.

The subject was just some insecurity issues I have involving other things in my life and wasn't something that would have spoiled our UA time for me, since intimate conversation is one of my needs and makes me feel closer to him. It's not something I talk about very often. But it was spoiling the UA time for him.


He did the right thing in politely telling you he wanted to change the subject. You both need to get into the habit of informing the other person when the conversation becomes unpleasant. You need to make sure your conversation is mutually enjoyable. Don't let your feelings get hurt when he tells you this, because it is important information. You won't know to change the subject if he doesn't tell you.

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I guess I didn't go all out to rule out an affair. I looked at his cell phone record and didn't see any unusual numbers, and I asked him directly if he was having an affair. I don't think there's any way he could be having a physical affair, since I can account for most of his time. I guess an emotional affair is possible, but if that's happening, the other woman is completely unknown to me.

First off, asking him if he is having an affair is never an effective approach. I am unsure why you would rule out a physical affair, though. Is he with you 24/7? Even the dumbest cheater can hide a physical affair.

An emotional affair is just as damaging and you need to FIND OUT IF HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR. You are wasting our time and yours if there is an affair that you have not uncovered.


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How do I not let myself get hurt? I can't help feeling like he doesn't really want to hear about my innermost feelings. Should I just resign myself to it and get a therapist to talk to about things like that? But then how do I feel close to him?

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Originally Posted by smallpeace
How do I not let myself get hurt? I can't help feeling like he doesn't really want to hear about my innermost feelings. Should I just resign myself to it and get a therapist to talk to about things like that? But then how do I feel close to him?

You should focus on conversation that he finds PLEASANT and enjoyable. If he doesn't find your "innermost" feelings enjoyable to discuss, then drop it. I don't know many men who find such discussions very enjoyable. My husband does not!

Why would you need to go to therapy?


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Originally Posted by smallpeace
I guess I didn't go all out to rule out an affair. I looked at his cell phone record and didn't see any unusual numbers, and I asked him directly if he was having an affair. I don't think there's any way he could be having a physical affair, since I can account for most of his time. I guess an emotional affair is possible, but if that's happening, the other woman is completely unknown to me.
You describe the affair a married man had with me.

If he is having an affair, he will not confirm it if you ask him. He will probably make some stupid remark about trust. Like my ex did, when I asked him if he knew his wife (google told me about her).

I am not saying he is having an affair, but it is absolutely possible and you need to find out. Intelligent people can be fooled by their spouses, it happens to the best. Learn from this website, you will benefit.

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Originally Posted by smallpeace
How do I not let myself get hurt?

I think a more important question is, what do you do about it?

Dr. Harley would be quick to say that it is hard for people to change their feelings. What is easier to change is behavior.

So you would like to discuss topic A during UA time, but your husband doesn't want to. Try this as a possible solution: keep UA time for enjoyable conversation you are both enthusiastic about, and keep your own prioritized list of topics and problems you want to discuss with your husband, and discuss those with him at other times.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Why would you need to go to therapy?

I have anxiety issues and other feelings that, while not really debilitating, come up every once in awhile and I feel a need to talk about them. I had an emotional affair because I felt like I couldn't have intimate conversations with him.

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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by smallpeace
How do I not let myself get hurt?

I think a more important question is, what do you do about it?

Dr. Harley would be quick to say that it is hard for people to change their feelings. What is easier to change is behavior.

So you would like to discuss topic A during UA time, but your husband doesn't want to. Try this as a possible solution: keep UA time for enjoyable conversation you are both enthusiastic about, and keep your own prioritized list of topics and problems you want to discuss with your husband, and discuss those with him at other times.

OK. I think I can do that.

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Originally Posted by smallpeace
I had an emotional affair because I felt like I couldn't have intimate conversations with him.
No, you didn't.

You had an emotional affair because you allowed someone else to meet your need for intimate conversation.

Until you understand that all affairs take place for the same reason - because we allow someone other than our spouse to meet our most important emotional needs - you will be highly vulnerable to another affair.

Tell us about this affair. When was it, and with whom?



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smallpeace, my husband has obsessive compulsive disorder and he used to talk with me when he had a "bad" thought or a particularly bad bout of anxiety. For a long time, I listened because I wanted to be supportive and understanding. Ultimately, however, it became draining and very unpleasant, and I wanted him to stop. We had several arguments about it--me claiming that it was a lovebuster for him to discuss his anxiety (falling under the category of "annoying habit") and he claiming that I wasn't meeting his need to talk through it. I ultimately posed the question to this board and Dr. Harley, who encouraged him to see a therapist.

Occasionally my husband still wants to talk through something if he is having a bout of anxiety, but I remind him that I'm not his therapist and those discussions are best left for therapy because I'm not equipped with the tools to help him through it.

Just wanted to give my 2 cents from the perspective of somebody who does not enjoy discussions rooted in anxiety.

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Wife Loving Life, that's good information. Thank you.

The emotional affair was with a friend. It was a couple years ago. FWIW, my husband also had an emotional affair several years ago. We told each other about the affairs- that was how they were discovered. We both knew the other people involved.

We both understand that affairs happen when we allow others to meet our needs, and have been taking precautions.

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Originally Posted by smallpeace
[I had an emotional affair because I felt like I couldn't have intimate conversations with him.

No, you did not. You had an affair because you have poor boundaries around men. frown You don't NEED to have "intimate conversations." That is not a "need" like air or water.


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Originally Posted by smallpeace
The emotional affair was with a friend. It was a couple years ago. .
So where is this friend now in your life? And how did the affair end?


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Originally Posted by Wife_Loving_Life
smallpeace, my husband has obsessive compulsive disorder and he used to talk with me when he had a "bad" thought or a particularly bad bout of anxiety. For a long time, I listened because I wanted to be supportive and understanding. Ultimately, however, it became draining and very unpleasant, and I wanted him to stop. We had several arguments about it--me claiming that it was a lovebuster for him to discuss his anxiety (falling under the category of "annoying habit") and he claiming that I wasn't meeting his need to talk through it. I ultimately posed the question to this board and Dr. Harley, who encouraged him to see a therapist.

Occasionally my husband still wants to talk through something if he is having a bout of anxiety, but I remind him that I'm not his therapist and those discussions are best left for therapy because I'm not equipped with the tools to help him through it.

Just wanted to give my 2 cents from the perspective of somebody who does not enjoy discussions rooted in anxiety.

From what I have heard Dr. Harley say, wives really don't cope well with husbands' anxiety issues, because their emotional needs are basically rooted in security, and a husband with severe anxiety is extremely threatening to their sense of security. Dr. Harley generally advises men to get treatment if they have such issues.

But I have not heard him advise it the other way around. I am pretty sure Dr. Harley does encourage men to support their wives through their anxieties, take it seriously, and use it as an opportunity to meet the wife's emotional needs. I feel pretty confident Dr. Harley would encourage the husband here to meet smallpeace's need for conversation and her need to have him as a partner in life in solving and dealing with her problems. I also feel pretty confident he would encourage smallpeace to prioritize the problems she is facing and not allow unpleasant conversation about them to disrupt UA time.

And I know for an absolute fact he'd encourage smallpeace to talk to us about the affairs that have happened in their marriage and the steps that have been taken to recover and prevent recurrence.

Last edited by markos; 05/23/16 04:40 PM.

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Thanks Markos. That's very interesting. I'll try your earlier advice to talk about my problems outside of UA time.

Neither of us are friends with the people we had affairs with anymore. In my case the other man ended it because his wife found out. I told my husband about it a few months later (after I discovered MB and found out about the policy of radical honesty). In my husband's case, he told me, and we discussed it and agreed he should terminate the friendship.

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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by Wife_Loving_Life
smallpeace, my husband has obsessive compulsive disorder and he used to talk with me when he had a "bad" thought or a particularly bad bout of anxiety. For a long time, I listened because I wanted to be supportive and understanding. Ultimately, however, it became draining and very unpleasant, and I wanted him to stop. We had several arguments about it--me claiming that it was a lovebuster for him to discuss his anxiety (falling under the category of "annoying habit") and he claiming that I wasn't meeting his need to talk through it. I ultimately posed the question to this board and Dr. Harley, who encouraged him to see a therapist.

Occasionally my husband still wants to talk through something if he is having a bout of anxiety, but I remind him that I'm not his therapist and those discussions are best left for therapy because I'm not equipped with the tools to help him through it.

Just wanted to give my 2 cents from the perspective of somebody who does not enjoy discussions rooted in anxiety.

From what I have heard Dr. Harley say, wives really don't cope well with husbands' anxiety issues, because their emotional needs are basically rooted in security, and a husband with severe anxiety is extremely threatening to their sense of security. Dr. Harley generally advises men to get treatment if they have such issues.

But I have not heard him advise it the other way around. I am pretty sure Dr. Harley does encourage men to support their wives through their anxieties, take it seriously, and use it as an opportunity to meet the wife's emotional needs. I feel pretty confident Dr. Harley would encourage the husband here to meet smallpeace's need for conversation and her need to have him as a partner in life in solving and dealing with her problems. I also feel pretty confident he would encourage smallpeace to prioritize the problems she is facing and not allow unpleasant conversation about them to disrupt UA time.

And I know for an absolute fact he'd encourage smallpeace to talk about the affairs that have happened in their marriage and the steps that have been taken to recover and prevent recurrence.

I was thinking the same thing as Marcos, about how Dr. Harley mentions the need women have to work through their problems with their husbands. I have this need as well.

I also, like WLL have experienced the huge weight of listening to complaints rooted in persistent anxiety. It gets old and ruins the positivity of UA time.

Smallpeace...I agree with the advice to separate your time of discussing worries and anxieties to outside UA time. That is the time to put your best self forward for your husband.

I would encourage you to find CONSTRUCTIVE ways to discuss your anxieties. If it is a problem that can be solved, then try presenting it to your husband as a problem that causes you anxiety, and ask for his help in making a plan to resolve it. If it is unsolvable, then talk with a therapist and consider medication. Even though we need to feel supported in our struggles, it doesn't help to bring our spouse down with repetitive lamenting or overwhelm, especially when there is nothing that the spouse can do to solve the problem.

So, do you think that you are approaching your husband for help with the problems you face? Or are you expecting to have him listen to you complain about your misfortune?

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