This is how the conversation went:

Him: You were making a jab at me when you thanked me for sweeping and then said it's nice when someone else notices it needs sweeping.

Me: I didn't mean it that way. I was trying to express genuine appreciation.

Him: Will you stop saying things like that?

Me: I can try, but...

Him: Will you stop saying things like that? I just need you to tell me you'll stop saying things like that.

Me: I can try, but I don't understand what you mean by "things like that". It would help me if you'd...

Him: Are you refusing to give me what I need? Because if that's the case, this conversation is over.


Are you saying I should have just said from the beginning, "thank you for bringing that to my attention"?

Men have a hard time verbalizing feelings. But feeling that it is safe to tell your spouse when something bothers you is incredibly important. When he complains you thank him for telling you. No need to understand. The moment the word 'but' comes into your response, you have gone wrong.

Later you might ask him what upset him. You would chose a neutral moment and say that there is something bothering you. Then you could ask him about it. You may need to be super patient about this because he may not even know.

Also and quite separately you need to POJA the household chores. Dr Harley has all kind of suggestions of how to divide those. Just be very careful to not mix this conversation in any way with his complaint. POJA needs to be fun and fruitful.

What about his DJ, though?

Again, I'm not saying that my problem was that I didn't understand WHY it bothered him. It was that I didn't understand WHAT specific part of what I said bothered him, and unless he was just asking me to stop saying that exact phrase, which he wasn't, I need to have that information in order to know what to stop saying.

Also, why do you feel that it wasn't safe for him to tell me that something bothered him? I was respectful. And he didn't tell me that something bothered him; he made a DJ.

The information I was trying to get was, for instance, "it bothers me when you tack something on to the end of a "thank you". Even though I didn't intend it to be a "jab", I could still work with something concrete like that.

But I still need to know how to deal with the DJ. Should I have asked him to rephrase the complaint? He later said he didn't even think about it being a formal complaint, which was why he didn't use the rules we've established for making complaints since we have a problem with DJs (using email and saying it bothers me when...).

I did not see a DJ in what your husband said. I saw a complaint.


Yes I understand that. But you just stop. You thank him for bring it to your attention If you are not sure whether you understand, you ask him to be sure to tell you if you slip up and it ever happens again.



Suppose your DH starts ogling other women in the street. You tell him that this bothers you. How would you feel if, instead of thanking you for bringing this to his attention, he asked you to explain exactly what bothered you about it. Would you shut down? I know that I would be ready to throw up.

When it comes to feelings, we do not need to explain ourselves, they just are.

You don't see a DJ in the statement "you were making a jab at me?" He was making an assumption about my intention, and a not very charitable one. It hurt me that he would see me that way instead of giving me the benefit of the doubt. I wasn't being sarcastic; I felt genuine, heartfelt appreciation that someone besides me noticed that the floor was dirty.

Ogling women in the street is obvious. There's really no alternative explanation for it. Is the statement "it's nice when someone besides me notices dirt on the floor", said without sarcasm, obviously a "jab" to you?

Smallpeace, I'm jumping in here and only giving my opinion of the last few posts.

I have done what you did. I didn't even realize that my words could be translated as insults. Lately, I'm trying to notice that and to stop while my words are good. 'Thank you, honey, for cooking dinner.' FULL STOP. Nothing about how hard I worked all day or how easy dinner was to make or anything else except, 'It smells great!'

As to your question, Yes. What you said was easily interpreted to be a disrespectful judgment against him for all those times he didn't sweep because he didn't notice the dirty floor before you. That would feel like a 'jab at' the person on the receiving end, at least in my experience.

As to your other question, possibly. The way he stated his complaint could be seen as a DJ. And, we can't tell you how to feel any more than we can tell your husband not to feel upset. Just don't get so lost in the upset over 'jab' that you fail to hear his complaint and address it. When you've done that, calmly discuss how his 'jab' statement made you feel he was making a disrespectful judgment of you.

Thanks, OTF. That's helpful. Actually, my husband asked me to do just that- make sure his issue has been fully addressed before moving on to mine. That's something I could try to do.

It's just that it really offends me when he says I'm "doing things" to him that I'm not doing. If a person says something that could be taken in multiple ways, wouldn't it make sense for the other person to ASK if they meant it to be a jab? Wouldn't a reply like, "Sorry! I understand how you could have taken it that way, but I didn't mean it like that. I meant it as an expression of appreciation" be helpful?

I would want to know if I were taking something in a way other than it was intended. It would help me be understand the other person better, and be more empathetic, and less reactive in the future. Of course this would only work if your spouse didn't have a problem with openness and honesty. If the other person then said, "even though I believe you meant well, that statement still bothered me", then fine, stop saying the thing. But at least you'd feel better because you knew the other person believed you meant well. They'd be pointing the finger at themselves, not you.

My question was addressed on the radio show today (I just listened), and Joyce & Dr. Harley said that yes, my husband should have asked me whether what I said was meant as a jab. I'll share that with my husband; he'll probably be receptive.

I can tell from being there that this is a really, really hard one. It's VERY HARD to not sound disrespectful or sarcastic or some other less than polite when you feel insulted and are checking their intent.

It's like asking my husband to completely understand that everything is not FINE if I say it's FINE when he asks. We are all humans. We react. THEN, we think. It takes time, practice and patience from all parties while we learn to think BEFORE we speak and react.

And, it can go the other way, too! I take so long deciding how I want to word things sometimes that hubby thinks I've ignored him. We have to work our way back. You and your hubby can, if motivated and considering of the others' feelings, work your way back to quality communication as well.

You don't tend to feel insulted when there is mutual goodwill. Maybe my husband isn't there yet. But that's hard for me take because I thought things had been getting better.

No I do not see a DJ there. I see that his complaint that was not followed by a 'thank you for letting me know'. Beware of the 'but'.


I used an extreme example to make the point simple. He might have said but I was looking to see what people were wearing to get ideas for your birthday. Had he said that you would have been understandably very upset.



Again, yes I would find that a jab.

Living Well, Dr. Harley doesn't agree with you. He answered my question on the radio show yesterday.

My point about ogling was that it's not analogous to what I'm talking about. Most anyone would be offended by ogling. Not everyone would interpret what I said as a jab. Joyce Harley didn't. Dr. Harley saw how it could be interpreted that way, but said he wouldn't think Joyce had intended it like that if she'd said something similar. People don't tend to feel offended/insulted by things said to them when there is mutual goodwill, and that's what's bothering me here.

Here is your radio clip. Radio Clip of smallpeace�s question

How are things going?

And your follow up question.
Radio Clip of smallpeace�s follow up question
Segment #2