He doesn't know. We're trying to figure that out.

He's very unhappy and isn't sure whether he cares enough about the marriage to address his anger. I made it clear to him that he must address it or I can't live with him. So we're in the midst of discussing it.

Prisca told me I couldn't live with her any more if I continued to have angry outbursts. Dr. Harley approved. She got ready to change the locks and get her dad over to help force me out, but didn't have to because I conceded that I couldn't be allowed to continue to have angry outbursts.

Prisca has a great thread on the subject.

Okay, that is just cruel. Don't discuss that with him because it will just hurt you. Let him figure that out when he is alone. Ask him to leave until he's sure he cares about the marriage and will address his anger. If he refuses, come back here and we'll tell you what to do next.

Tell him he must leave if he doesn't yet know whether he cares about your marriage. You shouldn't be subjected to that.

Don't put a "we" in there. He needs to figure this out. Let him know Dr. Harley will help him and remind him of the book Love Busters, and let him know he can't stay with you if the angry outbursts don't stop. Then leave it to him.

I'd kick him out until he was sure.
Read the link in my signature to "What To Do With An Angry Husband."

Your husband is going to need to take anger management. He'll need to find one that concentrates on relaxation techniques (not all anger management programs are created equal).

Dr. Harley would also be willing to discuss it with him.

Is there a way he can talk to Dr. Harley without going on the radio show or buying the online program?

I just read What to do with an Angry Husband and listened to the segments it linked to. Thank you very much for that.

There are other options smallpeace.

If he wishes to get some counseling I'd recommend you check out the Coaching Center to get that help.

It was very helpful to our marriage to do over the phone counseling with Dr Harley's daughter Jennifer. She worked with us one on one and also together as a team.

He will answer your email if you write to him. There is never any obligation to go on the show.

He will answer your email privately, if you wish.

He will answer your email on the show, if you don't mind, but only after he has asked your permission.

He will talk to you on the show, but only after his wife and producer, Joyce Harley, has talked to you and asked your permission.

You're worrying about all this instead of just sending the email. I do wish you'd do it. No-one can force you to be on a radio show!

He needs to talk to email Dr. Harley. It doesn't get any cheaper or easier than that. And if he's not willing to do something so cheap and easy to better your marriage, I'd have serious doubts about my future with him if I were you.

Thank you!

I love Jennifer and Steve and what they do, but your husband needs to talk to Dr. Harley himself.

Thanks- I didn't realize you could just email him and he'd reply without you being on the show.

Thanks. He is willing to talk to him and actually asked me about that himself, but we didn't realize he could just email him and get a reply without being on the radio show.

Will you let us know how it turns out?

Yes. He committed to writing to Dr. Harley by Sunday. Thank you all so much!

His email (from "Franklin") was on the radio show today. We both think Dr. Harley gave really good advice.

Just wanted to add context to a couple things my husband wrote. I have been working on dropping conversations when he asks me to. The example he gave about the car happened years ago, and I haven't followed him out of the house since then. The example he gave about talking at 2AM was an argument that had started a couple hours earlier and we were still up arguing that late- it wasn't that I woke him up to talk, and actually I was upset that we were still talking that late too. I've never woken him up to talk (but he has done that to me!). When he said that I wouldn't turn off the reading light- I need to read for a few minutes in order to fall asleep. He knows that but I reminded him of it and asked if I could please read for a few minutes to fall asleep. He let me, but I guess got angry about it. That situation doesn't usually come up though because he normally goes to bed after I do (bad, I know).

We agreed a last week to stop having arguments, but we came very close to having one the other day because I respectfully asked him why he hadn't done something he'd said he'd do and he heard it as criticism. It's really hard for both of us to stop getting defensive.

OK, that's it- I welcome your feedback!

smallpeace, Prisca and I had to almost completely drop the word "why?" from our negotiation conversations, because it is so easy for it to be read as a challenge. It is important to understand each other's point of view, but we had to find ways to ask each other about our point of view without using that word. Asking more specific questions helped.