Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 10 1 2 6 7 8 9 10
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Your husband is not serious about eliminating his disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts. You have been told many, many times to separate and you need to. He won't get serious until you do.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
1. You should stop drinking, it sounds like it is becoming a problem.

2. Listen to Prisca and Melody.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
No response to my posts.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
Sorry, ML. We realize that we didn't have enough UA time last week.

Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
I'm back. Leo had agreed to commit to eliminating angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements, and follow the MB program. We decided to give it another 3 months and then reevaluate things from there. We'd gone about 3 weeks without disrespectful judgements, while spending 15 hours together consistently. I thought things were going a lot better. We had sex (his top EN) on Friday.

We had a busy weekend, and today his personality suddenly seemed to shift again. First he got upset because he was trying to tell me something while I was distracted and he thought I wasn't listening, but we talked about it and I thought resolved it. Then our daughter asked for a piece of fruit and he said to me in an annoyed tone, "can you get her a piece of fruit?". I'd just sat down, so I asked him, "why me?". He got up to get it, but made a sarcastic comment. Then he asked our daughter if she'd eaten lunch, and she said no, and he said, "you should have given her lunch".

I was upset about the way he was talking to me, and left the room for a few minutes, then came back and told him that I was upset. He said he was upset too, because I hadn't given her lunch. I said we could talk about that, but that it really bothered me when he said "you should". He basically spent the next 2 hours arguing with me that he would not stop saying "you should" if he had a strong conviction about something, even though he understood that it made me feel bad.

Now I'm feeling really discouraged again. I feel like he won't commit fully to stopping doing things that make me feel bad. I don't understand why it's so hard for him to simply rephrase his thoughts in order to be inoffensive. He kept saying that if I'd just give our daughter lunch in the future, there wouldn't be a problem because he'd have no need to say "you should". He said he thinks it's important for me to know when he has a strong conviction about something, even if it hurts me.

Just to explain a little further, he'd left for the afternoon right around lunch time, so that's why he felt like it was my responsibility to give our daughter lunch. I was home with her for about half an hour between him leaving and her leaving to go to a friend's house, so I agree that I was responsible for giving her lunch, and I felt bad that I neglected to. It just bothered me that he said "you should". Also, this wasn't something that had happened before. He was acting like it was a huge deal- he said that he could stop saying "you should" about certain things, but not about things involving our daughter's welfare. Also, he feels like I'm generally not responsible or involved enough with her. That's been a problem pretty much her whole life. (The incident with her being late for school that I posted about earlier is an example.) It's something I have been working on since FC is one of his top ENs.

I feel like I can't keep living like this. Am I overreacting? DJ's are the number one problem in our relationship from my perspective, so I'm really sensitive to them.

How could we have handled this better?

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
Now I'm feeling really discouraged again. I feel like he won't commit fully to stopping doing things that make me feel bad. I don't understand why it's so hard for him to simply rephrase his thoughts in order to be inoffensive. He kept saying that if I'd just give our daughter lunch in the future, there wouldn't be a problem because he'd have no need to say "you should". He said he thinks it's important for me to know when he has a strong conviction about something, even if it hurts me.
In essence, "Do it my way, or I will punish you."
This is a demand. And a DJ.

You feel like he won't commit fully because he HASN'T committed fully. He reserves the right to punish you when you don't do things the way he wants you to.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
What should I do? I tried explaining why I felt hurt and disrespected, and he argued with me. I told him I can't keep living like this, and he said it would be sad if I ended the marriage over our kid's lunch. He said that insisting on him stopping saying "you should have" shows contempt for him and his values.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Originally Posted by smallpeace
I told him I can't keep living like this, and he said it would be sad if I ended the marriage over our kid's lunch.
More demands and disrespect.

Quote
He said that insisting on him stopping saying "you should have" shows contempt for him and his values.
He believes it is okay to punish you when you do not do things the way he wants you to do them. You should have nothing but contempt for that "value."

Quote
What should I do? I tried explaining why I felt hurt and disrespected, and he argued with me.
You should separate until he is willing to follow the program, under Dr. Harley's guidance.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
I feel like if I ask for a separation, he'll get really mad and will be even less interested in following the program. He'll probably just want to divorce. Is there any way of appealing to him without separating? Our daughter loves him and would be devastated. I'd also have to work more hours, which would be hard on her.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Originally Posted by smallpeace
I feel like if I ask for a separation, he'll get really mad and will be even less interested in following the program.
First, you don't ask for a separation. You just do it.

Second, the only thing a separation will do is speed up whatever was going to happen anyway. If he divorces you because you separate, he was just going to divorce you anyway.

Either he will finally get on board and change, or you will be free of his thoughtlessness and emotional abuse. Either way, you win.

Quote
Our daughter loves him and would be devastated. I'd also have to work more hours, which would be hard on her.
He's not separating from your daughter, just you. She will still see him.

It is better for your daughter for you to stand up for yourself and expect your husband to treat you the way a husband ought to treat a wife. By staying, you are not only raising her in a home full of strife, but you are teaching her that it is okay for a man to treat his wife the way your husband treats you. Do you want your daughter to live like this when she finds someone and marries him? She's learning from you what is "normal."

Stand up for yourself. For her sake, if not for yours.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
How do I just do it? Tell him not to come home? Weird as this sounds, I don't want to be disrespectful about it.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Pack his stuff and change the locks. Let him know he will need to find another place to live, and give him a visitation schedule to see his daughter. A typical visitation schedule is one evening a week plus every other weekend.

File for legal separation if your state allows for that. If your state doesn't have that option, you may need to file for divorce to get legal protection, even if you do not intend to go through with the divorce.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
Can I tell him I'd like him to leave by a certain date? Why do you advise doing it right away?

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
Can I tell him I'd like him to leave by a certain date?
Why?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
Many reasons. A few of them are that I'd like him to figure out other living arrangements, I'd like us to figure out how to afford it, and I have commitments coming up that I'd like to be done with before I have to worry about childcare etc. We live thousands of miles away from family.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by smallpeace
Can I tell him I'd like him to leave by a certain date? Why do you advise doing it right away?

Because he is not going to cooperate with you. If he were cooperative, you wouldn't be having this problem.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
A few of them are that I'd like him to figure out other living arrangements
He can figure that out.

Quote
I'd like us to figure out how to afford it,
He can figure that out.

Don't make this harder on yourself by trying to negotiate with a man who has proven he's not going to take care of you.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by smallpeace
I'd like us to figure out how to afford it

But there is no "us" in a separation, right?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
Thanks Prisca and Markos. I really appreciate your insight. He finally said he would try to stop hurting me. He said he's having trouble understanding some of the concepts. I think that's a big part of the problem. For example, he asked me earlier why my telling him to stop saying "should" wasn't a disrespectful judgement (because he saw it as me imposing my views on him).

I asked him to start listening to the radio show. I've asked him to do that before and it's never happened; it's a little tricky because he doesn't have a smartphone and is opposed to them, but I think he could find time in his schedule if he made it a priority.

Last edited by smallpeace; 01/24/17 12:20 PM.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by smallpeace
Thanks Prisca and Markos. I really appreciate your insight. He finally said he would try to stop hurting me. He said he's having trouble understanding some of the concepts. I think that's a big part of the problem. For example, he asked me earlier why my telling him to stop saying "should" wasn't a disrespectful judgement (because he saw it as me imposing my views on him).

I asked him to start listening to the radio show. I've asked him to do that before and it's never happened; it's a little tricky because he doesn't have a smartphone and is opposed to them, but I think he could find time in his schedule if he made it a priority.

Regardless of what he is saying, you need to be making your separation plans. Don't worry about helping him to understand; if he is motivated to understand he will get that help himself. In the meantime, you need to get your separation plans ready so that you can protect yourself in case he never gets motivated.

Do you have your separation plans ready, smallpeace?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Page 8 of 10 1 2 6 7 8 9 10

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5