So I've read Buyers, Renter's & Freeloaders. Probably going to reread it. Got registered with a few online dating sites but haven't done anything more than peek a few times. Going to do pictures, setup a profile, etc in the next few weeks. I may post the details in my other thread but life has been interesting the last 6 months so not getting around to this quite as quickly as hoped.

Anyhow...I feel very prepared for a relationship because of MB, in some ways. I understand that dating in MB is about finding the person who most effortlessly meets your emotional needs, and vice versa. And then as the relationship develops, seeing if that person is interested in becoming a buyer and getting married. Right?

At my church, there are a few women my age or near my age I've got to know. One is very interested in me and I've had friends encouraging me to take her out and start dating for months now. She seems nice, like a wonderful person personality-wise, but I am not physically attracted to her. Some of the other guys think she is cute, and I just don't for whatever reason.

This is a sticky issue for me because my ex-WW was just like this, and I wasn't attracted to her either at the outset. But we worked together, she pursued me and we became friends, and the more time I spent with her, I became physically attracted to her. Some of it of course LB deposits in other areas (personality), some of it her paying more attention to her appearance as we started dating and got serious. But when the marriage got cold, it became something I regretted. I regretted not trusting my initial instinct to raise the bar. It used to really frustrate me that I worked hard on staying in shape (in the errant belief that it would help a lack of SF problem) and my ex-wife just let herself go. Like insult upon injury, but of course I didn't know anything about the concept of emotional needs then and that she was probably starved of something she needed from me like affection.

So I honestly worry that if I get involved with this women, I may end up falling for her and putting myself in the same type of position. And since I know already that there's a PA issue, I feel like it would be thoughtless to lead her on! Even if I would enjoy the attention, which I absolutely would.

Now, at church there's another single woman who I've got to know over the last month, and I am incredibly attracted to her. She's absolutely gorgeous and I love what I've seen of her personality. I'm just crazy about her. I introduced myself to her a couple weeks back and we seemed to really hit it off well. I added her on FB and messaged her a few times. She would reply but after a few hours and I kept that pace on my end too so it wasn't unbalanced. The FB conversation continued through last week and I'd make an effort to say hi and talk a bit to her at church, just shooting the breeze. I felt I was getting mixed signals, but I might have a chance with her.

She and I both work in youth ministry (along with woman #1) and it was kind of funny because last week I had to lead our worship service (normal guy was out sick) and neither of these women had heard me sing. I'm a much better guitarist than vocalist (I play guitar for the band full time), but I've taken vocal lessons and can sing OK. Anyhow, both of these women caught up with me after the service (separately) to tell me I had done a great job/etc. The one I like even kinda followed me around waiting until we were alone to tell me.

So...anyhow....I am getting to the question, I promise...I went ahead and asked the girl I like out to lunch on Sunday after talking a bit with her. She gave me a "let me check with a friend and get back to you after the service" and then gave me a "not today, friend (who is a mutual friend...her story checks out) is taking me out in return for house sitting for them this week, but maybe some other time!". I suggested a second time slot this week and she kinda mumbled something and then said "maybe some other time" which I took as "No!". I said "I understand. Have a good week and I'll see ya Wednesday!" I sent an FB message that evening unrelated to a date, just sort of "how's it goin" kinda thing...no response yet. LoL So yeah...guess I messed up somewhere along the way there, not going to send anything else to her for the time being. But I feel good/confident about having asked her out because it was tying me in knots that morning waiting for the opportunity and now that I've done it I feel like if I wanted to ask another girl out it would come much more easily. Insane to me that THAT conversation could affect me that way after some of the truly awful/awkward conversations I had with my ex in-laws during exposure, but like I said I'm crazy about this girl, even if not terribly optimistic at this point, haha.

OK, so other than being confused by the second girl in my story, really the question is this:

MB is super cool to me as a dude because it's so straight up and down rational. BUT this kind of instant attraction or maybe that idea of "chemistry" with someone (the sort I thought I felt during the first convo with the woman I like)...is it just huge PA deposits and maybe some IC? In the back of my mind that's been nagging me...I don't really know girl #2 all that well yet, no matter how attractive she seems to me right now.

How should an MB-minded person on the dating scene approach a "crush" like this? When I read Buyers/Renters/Freeloaders I think more of a dating service/blind date/online dating situation where you can get to know someone more objectively and without the emotional blinders of a crush.

I'm not going to wait around for the girl at church if she stays cold to me with all of the good options I've seen on these dating sites but I've been wondering if (1) my instinct about not dating the girl I'm not attracted to is wise or not and (2) if an overemphasis on attraction (which I'm perhaps prone to at this point because of my first marriage) is a bad thing.

If you have a chance at meeting a girl you are really attracted to: please go for it!

Part of BRF book, is that you should not hold onto any one person so hard while dating and not serious.
Dr. Harley has mentioned on his Radio show that when we try to hard, we end up glossing over red flags (like not being attracted up front) and trying to make it work when we should not!

Be a freeloader here at first- go date women you are attracted to!
(remember you are aiming for 30 women to date and most likely ONE of those will work out)
If one women says no, just move on and you can date more than one at a time while you aren't in a "relationship".

Please set the bar at least high enough so you never asking/wrestling with yourself:
should I settle for this.... if you think you are settling-move on!!!!

(Not to a George Costanza settled from Seinfeld!!! But you know what I mean! Emotional needs, not willing to POJA, etc.)

And always... keep praying.

This is suppose to be fun!

For what it's worth, I think you've got the right approach. There's also no need to pursue an exclusive relationship with the one girl at church right away. Even if she does warm up to you, there's no reason you can't go out on some casual dates with some women from online dating in the meantime. I can highly recommend that harmonious one. The extra steps for registration seem to make it a little higher quality pool of people. I met my wife there, and she knows 8 different couples that met their spouses on it.

In any case, some advice I got that was good was to just go on a coffee date at first. Don't go out to dinner with every single woman you contact. It can get expensive and it implies (at least in my mind) something more serious. In all honesty, though, I went the coffee date route with two women, but when I started talking with my wife, there was a spark there from the very first e-mail. I knew there was something different about her, and I even took her flowers on the first date.

Just like you did. Ask her out. Accept rejection if she rejects you. Move on.

Don't be a buyer on your first crush

Crushes are a good thing. They are simply your feelings letting you know that someone may be a good match. Enjoy them. Have more than one.

Don't be afraid to take the girl out on a date that you are not initially attracted to. You're not marrying her. She might be fun to be with. Take it as a chance to enjoy a time out of the house.

For what it's worth, Dr. Harley has said the the Physical Attractive need doesn't have to be met IF the person does a very good job of meeting your other important emotional needs. He's seen some pretty ugly couples who are deeply in love with each other.

That being said, don't feel like you HAVE to take ANY woman out on a date just because she's there and available. You can be picky. There's no right or wrong here.

Thanks guys, the advice is very much appreciated! Helps me know I'm on the right track here.

And this was honestly fun because I haven't felt this way (crush) about anyone in SO long. There's the nervousness and all that but I'm a lot less shy than I was when I was younger so I enjoyed rolling the dice and seeing what would happen.

My first crush post-D was very intense and nerve wracking also. I felt like I was 15 and day dreaming about him all the time. LOL.

I can say, the more you date and meet people, the less intense those crushes become. Almost like you get a little desensitized in the process. I think that's maybe a good AND bad thing, but mostly good. Because there's a great chance that you won't settle or fall in love too easily or dismiss red flags (as someone pointed out).

Like Prisca said, no right or wrong here! I would definitely encourage you just to try a bunch of different things, including asking someone out even if you only think it will lead to friendship. Actually I think Dr Harley would encourage you to ask that other girl out to help distract you from the crush.

Good luck Ax! Happy to hear that you are moving on and up!

Thanks SusieQ and PW!