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Lin63 Offline OP
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Spoke to WH about posting here to get help with our IC and verbalizing affection. He said "perhaps he would post"
What if he doesn't feel compelled to post here?


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
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Ask again tomorrow.

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Lin63 Offline OP
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We had a conflict last night. We did work thru it and he was able to share his feelings. I respect that. I need time to process what he said to me.
During that conversation I asked about his feelings toward the
Affection check list, I had given him. He said he likes it as a behavior modification tool. But does not like me calling attention to it.
Again he is GREAT with all the demonstrative items. He hugs me when he wakes up, makes eye contact, Usually says "Goodmorning Sweetheart"
Talks about his day at breakfast, will lean over and give me a kiss. But he will not give me a compliment on my appearence or share a feeling, . I was specific on my paper to him and asked for him to say "I am so happy to be home and with you". "I enjoy your company".
He said he didn't like to be reminded all the time of his short comings.
I had been encouraging him to verbalize compliments and endearments.
He does not want me to do that. I don't know what to do next.
I told him I felt he would not do anything if I didn't encourage.
I don't know what else to do but just let it go.
Did those of you who used an affection check list just hand it to them and let it go and not say another word?
I wont ask him to come to the forum again. I pleaded my case yesterday morning and I have said all I can on the matter for now. He either will or won't.
I am tired and confused. And so vary sad.







Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
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Many couples keep a list of love-busters and complaints and exchange them once per week. In this way, unpleasantness is limited.

Honestly, I think you two need a coach because he doesn't seem to think he needs to compensate you.

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Lin63 Offline OP
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I've suggested getting a coach. We can't afford one until first of October. If he responded to that I don't know what his response was.
He is happy if I just let it all be we would be fine. I know that. For a time we would be happy. For a time! I cant seem t stop reacting.
I will just journal for a few weeks and and pray he makes an effort.
Tell me about the coaching and how the program with that structure works.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
Joined: Apr 2001
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Originally Posted by Lin63
He said he didn't like to be reminded all the time of his short comings.
I had been encouraging him to verbalize compliments and endearments.
He does not want me to do that. I don't know what to do next.
I told him I felt he would not do anything if I didn't encourage.
I don't know what else to do but just let it go.

Keep that on the front burner until he improves. How else can he improve if you don't give him accurate feedback? He might not "like" it but the alternative is worse. It is like getting a NSF notice from the bank, it might not be the most pleasant thing, but not getting it is worse.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Lin63
He is happy if I just let it all be we would be fine. I know that. For a time we would be happy. For a time! I cant seem t stop reacting.
I will just journal for a few weeks and and pray he makes an effort.
Tell me about the coaching and how the program with that structure works.

So you need to tell him that you need to see a great effort on his part in order to feel better about this. Just calling it in being lazy will not suffice.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Did he read the Just Compensation article?

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Originally Posted by Lin63
He is happy if I just let it all be we would be fine. I know that. For a time we would be happy. For a time!

Not really, no - that's not factually true. If you "just let it all be," you would not be happy. That's been proved to not work, right?

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I cant seem t stop reacting.

Okay, but the problem is not your reactions; the problem is what he is doing and not doing that is causing your reactions. The problem is his lack of effort.

Quote
I will just journal for a few weeks and and pray he makes an effort.

No way - this is not going to work. Throw your journal out because you are not the one with the problem, here.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Do you have Plan B preparations?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Apples123
He has read the books with just compensation. If there is an article please let me know where it is. i will send it to hi or print it and hand it to him.



Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 137
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Plan B, preparations? Those get more difficult the more we work on inter dependency.
I'm not there yet.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
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Originally Posted by Lin63
Plan B, preparations? Those get more difficult the more we work on inter dependency.
I'm not there yet.

Lin, Plan B is the separation that Dr Harley will recommend if your husband won't get on board 100%.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Lin63 Offline OP
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Yes, I know, that has become more difficult now. More steps more things that will need to be addressed. Iam still working plan A. I am still sending emails to Joyce for Dr. Harley, He seems to write me once a week. He has said WH needs to stop the IB. WH is doing that we are down almost 100%. I guess I thought Dr. Harley would tell when it is time to go to plan B.
I can tell you he feels 100% on board.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
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Last edited by apples123; 08/09/16 11:27 AM.
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Originally Posted by Lin63
Yes, I know, that has become more difficult now. More steps more things that will need to be addressed. Iam still working plan A. I am still sending emails to Joyce for Dr. Harley, He seems to write me once a week. He has said WH needs to stop the IB. WH is doing that we are down almost 100%. I guess I thought Dr. Harley would tell when it is time to go to plan B.
I can tell you he feels 100% on board.

Lin, the very beginning of Plan A is to make preparations for Plan B. So you start lining up everything you need for Plan B now. You don't wait until you need Plan B to start getting ready for it. You get ready to go so that you can do Plan B at any time.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi8111_quit.html


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Here, the article is in here and there are radio clips on Just compensation.
What is Just Compensation?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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When the time comes for Plan B. I will get it done. Again won't Dr. Harley counsel me when and if that time comes? He has not suggested that in any of his emails.



Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
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Originally Posted by Lin63
When the time comes for Plan B. I will get it done. Again won't Dr. Harley counsel me when and if that time comes? He has not suggested that in any of his emails.

He will suggest it if your husband won't fully commit to this process. I will email him and ENSURE he knows this latest development so he can get you prepared.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Lin63
When the time comes for Plan B. I will get it done. Again won't Dr. Harley counsel me when and if that time comes? He has not suggested that in any of his emails.

WE are suggesting you get ready for Plan B because your H does not want you bring up your complaints. That IS Dr Harley's standard advice.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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