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I was hoping someone would have some advice for surviving my husbands affair with his first love from high school. We have been married for 36 years and he by accident ran into his old high school sweetheart and they are now very much in love with each other and can not stop their emotional affair. My husband confessed this 4 months in on our vacation and it has completely devastated me. It has now been going on for 16 months and has no sign of stopping. I have done all the wrong things and I am so unsure of what to do. I have read all about this subject, tried working on myself and talking with him. This affair partner is very religous and very unhappy with her life. She has suffered much and he says she needs him. She is on her fourth husband and has convinced him it is all because she really loved and wanted my husband before they broke up 40 yrs ago. I have asked several times if he wants a divorce and he continues to say what is the hurry and he is not sure. Unfortunately I have read texts and listened to conversations between them so I am pretty convinced it is the real thing. She is also married. So what is stopping these two and why wont he just let me go?

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hello wife, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am headed out the door, but please go read the exposure thread in my signature. That is your best chance of saving your marriage. Come back and we will help you develop a plan.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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wife,

So sorry for the things that have brought you here.

Please do as Melody has instructed. Your first course of action is to do what you can to bust up this affair. It starts with exposure.

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I have asked several times if he wants a divorce and he continues to say what is the hurry and he is not sure.


Your health will suffer while he continues this abuse on you. You need to pick a path, divorce him or save the marriage. Either way your first course of action needs to be to expose this affair to everyone around you, him and her.

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Unfortunately I have read texts and listened to conversations between them so I am pretty convinced it is the real thing.


These two wayward spouses are fogged out people not thinking clearly because they think they've found their true love. They have none of the challenges that come with marriage so of course the grass looks greener.

The OW is obviously a troll who can't figure out how to have a happy marriage. Now she's going after your H. Time to get rid of her.

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She has suffered much and he says she needs him.


That's nonsense. Don't listen to him. Kindly ask him to stop talking about this woman and to stop seeing this woman as it is causing you great harm.

Please stick around here, read all the materials. Get yourself Dr Harley's Surviving an Affair book. Get a plan of action in place with the help of these great people. DO NOT let him in on your plan.


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I can tell you what is going to stop these two. Reality. Affairs are built on fantasy. All you need to do is take out everything that supports and perpetuates the affair fantasy. Once that happens, the affair will disintegrate, just like a building in a controlled demolition.

You start with exposure. Everybody who can exert any influence on your wayward husband or his affair partner needs to know the truth about what is going on. Detailed instructions are in MelodyLane's signature.

You need to understand that your husband's affair is of a garden variety. There is nothing special about it. Affairs like this fail nearly every the time. Your actions will speed up the inevitable. So, understand your empowerment. You are in control here.


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I have read all about exposure before. I really hesitate to do this. Her husband does not know about their affair but I am pretty sure he knows something is wrong because she tells my husband her husband has talked about moving out. Since this is her 4th husband I think she is very embarassed to go thru another divorce. She is very religous and absolutely will not touch or kiss or have relations without being married. This I feel of course keeps my husband on the line because he wants this to go farther. And one of the reasons he is not sure about her. So he goes to her church and has become religous too. Right now they can justify they are not doing anything wrong and are not really having an affair, and as he says they are good friends and that he helps her. They go to great links to protect me and keep me from knowing they talk and text alot each day. Since this has been going on so long I am not sure exposure would be wise or even help. They have tried to stop at least 4 times that I know of and always go back to each other in 2 days time. I myself have moved out and stayed away for 3 months but financially had to move back because money is an issue. He says he loves us both. I love him and want to stay married and I know I am codependent and a doormat. I think he is also just afraid to let go. But this hurts me to the point of being physically ill. Can you wait out these first loves?

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Wife, keeping the affair a secret only serves to enable it. There is nothing we can do to help you overcome the damage of your enabling. Affairs thrive on secrecy so keeping it a secret helps it thrive and grow. The longer you keep the secret for them, the more entrenched it becomes. You are headed towards divorce now.

There is nothing we can do for you if you choose to enable the affair. You must first accept that you don't know what you are doing and be open to tried and proven methods if you want to turn this around.

Otherwise this is hopeless.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The longer you wait to take action the harder it will be to save your marriage because the longer this goes on, the more entrenched your husbands wayward mindset. So even if this affair ends, he will likely start another one because of this mindset.

Would you be willing to take advice from people who have saved their marriages? We didn't save our marriages by enabling.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I know they are in a fantasy of the high school variety because that is just how they act, like 18 year olds. I keep thinking I need to let this run its course because they are in this fantasy. My husband has also thought something else is always going to be better. That the grass is always greener and it never turns out that way. Deep down I think he knows this with her. She is a completely different person from me which is part of the attraction. I realize that I do have power and she is a flawed person. I represent stability and safety to him. I know all these things but it still hurts to know how loving and romantic and giving he is with her. I have asked him to stop and he sees how this is hurting me physically and emotionally. I am very afraid to expose them as because her husband will leave her and she will be free.

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I know I am enabling them, and I am open to trying to expose this but I am afraid of the consequences. I have read Dr. Harleys book and talked with a therapist and focused on myself and healing myself. I am willing to listen to anyway to expose this but it is going to be very rough. I have never liked people to be angry at me.

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Yes, the fantasy has thrived and grown for years because of secrecy. Keeping their secret fuels the fantasy. That is how you are enabling it. If she wanted to leave her husband she would have done it already. HOWEVER, by keeping her secret for her, you make it much more likely he will leave you for her.

You are making critical strategic mistakes because you don't understand the dynamics of an affair. Your ideas have not worked and will not work. This will not turn out well unless you can put aside your own failed ideas.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
I know I am enabling them, and I am open to trying to expose this but I am afraid of the consequences. I have read Dr. Harleys book and talked with a therapist and focused on myself and healing myself. I am willing to listen to anyway to expose this but it is going to be very rough. I have never liked people to be angry at me.

Yet you are not afraid that he will eventually leave you for the OW? That is where you are headed now. Have you heard the saying: "Cowards die many times before their deaths, The valiant never taste of death but once."

Enabling an affair and putting up with this is the antithesis to 'healing." Women have nervous breakdowns from living like this. YOU CANT HEAL YOURSELF EVER LIVING IN THIS ENVIRONMENT. You can focus on the sunshine in the sinking Titanic but the ship will still sink and you will die.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Ok I understand that. I also believe if she wanted to leave her husband she would do it, but my husband doesnt leave either. I know what I am doing is not working believe me. But I am not sure this is a garden variety of fantasy affair and I dont want to enable it but I dont also want someone to do something aweful either. If I expose this to her husband and I am not sure how to do that there is going to be major fallout.

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Yes, there will be major fallout ....... for the affair. That is what we want.

You will want to expose this very broadly, to her pastor, her husband, her parents, etc.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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But you are doing something very awful by enabling it. You are harming your marriage, yourself and you are harming the OWs husband. You know the facts and are doing nothing to stop it. How can the ow's husband protect himself and his children from this affair if he doesn't know the truth? Sure, you have chosen to be an enabler but he may choose to save his marriage. He can't do that without the facts.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
So what is stopping these two and why wont he just let me go?

Your WH has two women meeting his needs and he likes it.

There is no reason for him to leave his loving wife and comfy home of 36 years. There is no reason for him to stop his fairy tale romance. It is his secret and no one is holding him accountable.


Take control of your life and expose. Continuing on like this is a death of a thousand cuts.



Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
But I am not sure this is a garden variety of fantasy affair ...

I have read this same story thousands of times here.

It is a "text book" affair.



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Amen!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Of course your husband doesn't leave, he is being left alone by you to enjoy having the both of you compete for him. And I doubt that this affair is not physical after all of this time.

You WANT there to be major fallout.

As soon as you expose widely with no warning, the both of them will see what they really have...a lie. Once that lie is exposed to the light of day, it won't be so much fun, will it?

As Melody has pointed out, it is extremely dangerous to your health for you to live like this. You must demand that he end ALL form of contact with her for life, and starting with exposure is going to show him that you are serious.

You seem to me as if you are worrying about the other woman here! Why are you worrying about her four marriages when she has a bullseye aimed right at YOUR marriage?


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Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
Her husband does not know about their affair but I am pretty sure he knows something is wrong because she tells my husband her husband has talked about moving out.

This BH deserves to know what is really wrong with his marriage.

I would have given anything for someone to pick up the phone and tell me the truth about my life.

Doing the right thing is never wrong.


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I would be willing to try and expose it to her husband and perhaps the pastor, but her parents are elderly and she just moved them out of their home to assisted living and they are not well, that I believe would be cruel. I just went through a horrible experience with my parents so I cant do that to her. She has sisters and children and grandchildren and other family members who love her and I am not convinced this whole affair is her doing. I believe it is my husbands fault and he has done a real good job of convincing her how bad his relationship and marriage has been and he has convinced her he loves her and wants her and she fell for it. He has admitted it is his fault and he knows he hurts me and more than likely hurts her too and admitted he has made a mistake. So I am not completely convinced ruining her life is good either. Yes I know she is an adult and can make her own decisions and she is fully participating in this. I think he needs to come to the realization he needs help with this and to get the courage to do what he needs too, either end it or end it with me. I think I am the strongest of the three of us and have learned the most and have changed and grown and they cant.

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You are helping her ruin her life by enabling her affair. You are helping her destroy 2 marriages. There is no "strength" and no compassion in enabling an affair.

You are not making yourself "strong;" you are making the AFFAIR strong, at the expense of many innocent people.

This is all bullsh** you have told yourself to justify your enabling.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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