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Their affair is not physical I know this for a fact she wont touch him or kiss him or anything which I find very strange. My husband wants it badly and they talk about it and text about it but are not doing it. She is very religous and talks about Gods plan for them etc all the time.

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Originally Posted By: wifeinstrife
I would be willing to try and expose it to her husband and perhaps the pastor, but her parents are elderly and she just moved them out of their home to assisted living and they are not well, that I believe would be cruel. I just went through a horrible experience with my parents so I cant do that to her. She has sisters and children and grandchildren and other family members who love her and I am not convinced this whole affair is her doing. I believe it is my husbands fault and he has done a real good job of convincing her how bad his relationship and marriage has been and he has convinced her he loves her and wants her and she fell for it. He has admitted it is his fault and he knows he hurts me and more than likely hurts her too and admitted he has made a mistake. So I am not completely convinced ruining her life is good either. Yes I know she is an adult and can make her own decisions and she is fully participating in this. I think he needs to come to the realization he needs help with this and to get the courage to do what he needs too, either end it or end it with me. I think I am the strongest of the three of us and have learned the most and have changed and grown and they cant.


These are all fogged out rationalizations to justify your conflict avoidance. You have created this fantasy narrative to justify your lack of action. As people who have saved their marriages we can objectively see what you are doing.

I don't say this to be harsh, but in the hopes you will WAKE UP when you hear the objective views of those who have been through this. We want to help you, but you have to drop these illusions.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: wifeinstrife
Their affair is not physical I know this for a fact she wont touch him or kiss him or anything which I find very strange. My husband wants it badly and they talk about it and text about it but are not doing it. She is very religous and talks about Gods plan for them etc all the time.


How would you know it is not physical? I don't believe that for a minute. A woman who is "very religious" does not have an affair with a married man. You will know them by their fruits.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Of course I know you are correct in pointing out my conflict avoidance and rationalizations. It is all true and I know that about myself. It is not harsh it is the truth, which is all I have asked for from my husband many times. I also know this is not fair to her husband as this is what his first wife did to him also.

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I know they are not physical, she will not touch him period. I know this for a fact,but its all her not my husband. he wants her. She has done this to all her husbands, will not have relations with them till they are married. Probably why two of them lasted less than a year.

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Originally Posted By: wifeinstrife
I know they are not physical, she will not touch him period. I know this for a fact,but its all her not my husband. he wants her. She has done this to all her husbands, will not have relations with them till they are married. Probably why two of them lasted less than a year.


How do you know they have not had sex?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: wifeinstrife
I would be willing to try and expose it to her husband and perhaps the pastor, but her parents are elderly and she just moved them out of their home to assisted living and they are not well, that I believe would be cruel. I just went through a horrible experience with my parents so I cant do that to her. She has sisters and children and grandchildren and other family members who love her and I am not convinced this whole affair is her doing. I believe it is my husbands fault and he has done a real good job of convincing her how bad his relationship and marriage has been and he has convinced her he loves her and wants her and she fell for it. He has admitted it is his fault and he knows he hurts me and more than likely hurts her too and admitted he has made a mistake. So I am not completely convinced ruining her life is good either. Yes I know she is an adult and can make her own decisions and she is fully participating in this. I think he needs to come to the realization he needs help with this and to get the courage to do what he needs too, either end it or end it with me. I think I am the strongest of the three of us and have learned the most and have changed and grown and they cant.


The above is....

Irrelevant

Rationalisation

Illogic

Backward thinking

Dangerous

...and other things. I can't post at length now, but I will just tell you that there were all sorts of reasons why I didn't expose my husband's affair to the other woman's husband. I had his contact details on day one of my Internet search, and I hung on to them for nearly two years. Meanwhile I begged, pleaded, threatened divorce, "fixed myself", ramped up our sex lives, lost tons of weight, wore make-up and looked gorgeous every single day, while my husband enjoyed every minute of having OW and me competing over him. This ended when I exposed to her husband, after nearly two years of this. Meanwhile, my mental health declined, and to some extent it has never fully recovered.

I would do anything to spare another woman from going through what I did, but I won't discuss, or even listen to your rationalisations. You are hurting yourself more than you will ever know by continuing your course of action.

You need to stop what you are doing. You don't know what you are doing. You are an idiot, as we all are when we are struggling with an affair.

You need to expose, today.


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His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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They talk on the phone, they text each other, they meet in a parking lot and she sits in the back seat to talk but will not touch him or kiss him. I have recorded their conversations recently because I wanted to know if they were physical to protect myself. He has said they are not and I believe that.

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Originally Posted By: wifeinstrife
They talk on the phone, they text each other, they meet in a parking lot and she sits in the back seat to talk but will not touch him or kiss him. I have recorded their conversations recently because I wanted to know if they were physical to protect myself. He has said they are not and I believe that.


You should not believe anything he says. And you can't tell from a recording of them in a parking lot that they have never had sex.

The bottom line is that you should not assume anything and you should focus all your efforts on exposing the affair.

Are you prepared to step up and expose?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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It really doesn't matter if they've touched or not. It is an affair. Yes, it will be very painful to expose. Painful for everyone involved. It is a frightening thing to do. There will be repercussions. But you need to decide which is worse - all of the consequences of exposure, or divorce. Those are your only two options. Is it worth saving your marriage to go through with total exposure?

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I dont know if it is really worth what I am going to go through and have already been through to save my marriage, when I know what I know about how much he loves her. I have told him how much this hurts me and that it is an affair to me and he is hurting me but he will not stop. I can step up and expose, I think that is all I can do at this point. I really dont have much to lose right now.

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wife,

Who's anger are you trying to avoid?

Your H's? If you are able to kill the affair and build a loving, romantic relationship with him he'll get over his anger in a hurry.

The OW's? She deliberately hurting you so why would you care if she is angry with you?

The OW's H? He will thank you profusely for bringing to the light of day the one thing that is making his life miserable.

Friends? Family? Anyone who doesn't support you in your attempts to save your marriage is no friend or family you need in your life and it would do you a world of good to care less what they think.

Physical or not, your H is having an affair and unless you do something about it you will continue to live in this nightmare or you'll be left behind due to your lack of action. He isn't going to fix this and it won't fix itself. Your H is a cake-eater. Time to ruin his cake.


Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
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Originally Posted By: wifeinstrife
I dont know if it is really worth what I am going to go through and have already been through to save my marriage, when I know what I know about how much he loves her. I have told him how much this hurts me and that it is an affair to me and he is hurting me but he will not stop. I can step up and expose, I think that is all I can do at this point. I really dont have much to lose right now.


You have a LOT to gain wife. That is what everyone here is telling you. Many of them have gained that by following Dr. Harley's plan.

By moving forward you speed up the inevitable. Stalling buys you nothing but more damage to your health.


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Originally Posted By: wifeinstrife
I dont know if it is really worth what I am going to go through and have already been through to save my marriage, when I know what I know about how much he loves her. I have told him how much this hurts me and that it is an affair to me and he is hurting me but he will not stop. I can step up and expose, I think that is all I can do at this point. I really dont have much to lose right now.


I don't see what you have done to save your marriage, though. I think you have probably guessed at it like many of us have done until we actually had a plan. We can help you take a more strategic approach if you can follow a plan. Can you put aside your fears and your emotions and follow a plan? If so, there is chance we can help you save this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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It is hard to answer that because yes I am afraid of his anger and no I dont really care about her . I am sure her husband will thank me wouldnt you if you were married to her, and my family and friends are behind me 100 percent. It probably is me, because believe it or not our marriage right now is so improved in every way, and I know that sounds weird because of what he is doing, but it is. I am sure I will get flack for that comment because how can it be improved with what he is doing but it is and I guess i am living on those scraps and saying its ok when its not. Knowing I need to do something is why I came here after all this time. I needed to see what worked for other couples. I know I cant continue to live this way anyway.

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What is the best way to contact the husband, by letter?

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You have used the word 'cruel' when describing exposure to certain people in OW's life.

I want to point out that cheating on your husband, and having an affair with someone else's husband, is CRUEL. Hooking up with someone else's husband while their spouse suffers emotionally and mentally because of it is CRUEL. Telling lies upon lies to everyone in your life to get your kicks is CRUEL.

Exposure is simply telling the truth and asking for support. Are you saying you think being truthful or asking for support is 'cruel'?

AFFAIRS are what destroy reputations, relationships, and lives. Telling the truth does none of these things. Exposure is simply telling the truth.

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Describing OW as 'very religious' is also quite laughable, as she is behaving in a disgusting and cruel NONreligious manner. I don't know of any religion that condones cheating, lying, stealing, and destroying lives for your own personal pleasure.

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I tell myself these two selfish people are not in their right minds because I would never have believed my husband would lie like he does or go to such lengths to talk and see her. His work is suffering and so is his health. I have told him I am very concerned about him but he cant stop. I have express the same things you have just said and it doesnt matter to him. Perhaps the only thing to do is expose it and let the fallout occur.

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Pick up the phone and call the husband. The absolute BEST first step for recovering our marriage from my H's affair was exposure. My husband later thanked me for stepping in and saving our marriage. Tell every one who is in a position to assist you in breaking up the affair: her husband, her children, your children (if you have them, haven't seen that in your posts), her pastor, her parents (elderly people know what happens in life and are in a position to pressure OW to end the affair).

Something it took some time for me to learn was that once I conquered my own fear, it became MUCH easier to set the bar high for my husband. I decided we were either going to have a great marriage together or I would never see or speak with him again. Today, we have a great marriage and are in love with each other.


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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