Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted by BlindSighted2013
ALL of us had a very bad feeling about exposing. It is HARD.

Exactly.

What you should feel bad about is the fact that this affair is entrenched to the point that your WH is ready to move out.

Your window to end this affair is closing.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
I did not think the affair was particularly unique but the first love, lost love part might be something to be considered. The bond between these two is very strong. My husband has told me the first time he saw her 16 months ago it was all over. I dont think they ever resolved their earlier breakup and are trying to relive or revive it or whatever. They were kept apart by parents strong disapproval and never forgot each other. After their breakup she married right away to someone else. I have woke up, I will probably expose it but I have a very bad feeling about that. I kept hoping they would finish this up and realize it wasnt meant to be.

It's called living in fantasy land. Expose and destroy the fantasy aspect. Make them live in the real world.


Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
wifeinstride, I hope you are not posting because you are now exposing this affair to the OWH.

You want the affair to end and keep your marriage intact then you must expose this affair.

You have not been able to kill this affair because you have not exposed the affair to the OWH.

You are like the person that screams the vampire is going to kill me yet you refuse to drive a stake into the vampire's heart because you do not like getting blood on your hands.

Lady you are in a fight to the death for your marriage and you refuse to use the only thing that will kill the affair. Exposure.

Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
IIt probably is me, because believe it or not our marriage right now is so improved in every way, and I know that sounds weird because of what he is doing, but it is. I am sure I will get flack for that comment because how can it be improved with what he is doing but it is and I guess i am living on those scraps and saying its ok when its not.
I have been thinking about you, wife, and I wanted to come back to acknowledge this post.

I DO understand what you mean with this statement because prior to my H's long term affair, we had a marriage of constant highs and horrible lows. We loved each other to abandon...or we were fighting to the death. We did not previously know how to solve conflicts!

We've now been married for 35 years, and I GET it that things do seem to settle down a bit after the long term affair starts.

The trouble is that they settle down because SHE is meeting some needs, and you are meeting others. So the fighting stops, he stops caring if you meet "those" needs, and he appreciates the needs that are "yours" to meet at home.

UGH. I hate even writing that, but I do get it. It does NOT have to be like this though! In a passionate marriage, couples learn to meet each other's needs in the way that each both desires! MB can teach you how to accomplish it. Do you want this?

Your husband has STOPPED trying with you, and gone to where it is "easy" to get those certain needs met. On top of that, he and you are both fine with it because it means less strife and more calm at home. frown

It does not have to be this way!!! Marriage Builders taught us to meet each other's needs WITHOUT fighting! We have conflict, we stop and discuss and present options, we negotiate, and we both get our needs met. This did take us some time to learn, but it is SO much better for both of us!

36 years of marriage is nothing to sneeze at. YOU and your HUBBY have been in it together long term. If you know that you can't get past this, we get it, and we will also help you with that. But your posts aren't sounding to us like you are done. Are you?


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 36
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 36
We have had conflict in our marriage but not fighting. But you are right when you say he is getting a need met by her, a very important one. She listens to him everyday day and talks his ear off and he talks to her and they tell each other how much they love each other and how connected they are. They think they are soulmates etc. HER TELLS HER EVERYTHING. And then he comes home to me. I have to be very careful what I say because it goes right to her. I am quiet and introverted and scientific. Shes blond I am dark. She is feminine and cries alot and needs him and of course I quess I am not and dont. I try to be myself and not compete because I know I am a kind and loving and smart and loyal person. The problem is I am probably at fault for the distance in our marriage and after listening to them they have something he and I never had. He has never talk to me like he does with her or put me first like he does with her or even treated me like that. But yet he has this obligation to me and he loves me and told me he has made a mistake and is sorry he is hurting me. What if this is his real chance for true love and happiness and she was the right person all along and they have found each other again. This is my true problem. He has not asked for a divorce or to leave, but he does not want to work on our marriage. He is conflicted. I am conflicted and hurt. He has always been very selfish and this is his most selfish act but I love him and want to try and save our marriage. I have pointed out many times if you love each other so much why are you not trying to be together harder, like I am trying to work on us. You are right when you say 36 years of marriage is nothing to sneeze at. Perhaps it is just me who is the problem. Thank you one and all for your advice. I greatly appreciate all the advice.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Your marriage can be saved if you will stop enabling his affair. We can show you and your husband how to have a romantic, passionate marriage. That will never happen as long as the OW is hanging around.

Your husband is not "conflicted" at all. He is having a great time. At your expense with your approval.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
And no she is not the "right person," whatever that means. That is foolish fog babble.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 4,294
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 4,294
Quote
I think she is a victim here too.


Stop. Just stop. This woman is no victim. She has poor boundaries and is letting a married man meet her needs while being married herself.

Quote
and they tell each other how much they love each other and how connected they are.


She is destroying your M and you are calling her a victim. I'm sitting here shaking my head, totally disgusted by this troll that has invaded your M, hoping to heck you're going to get your ire up and make the decision to put this troll in her place.

Time to shine some light on this troll by exposing her to those that have influence on her. She needs to disappear from your lives.

Don't even get me started on your H.

Quote
I did not think the affair was particularly unique but the first love, lost love part might be something to be considered.


Nope. This isn't anything anyone needs to consider. He married you, made a commitment as did you. Time to honor your commitments.

wife, you need to educate yourself on what everyone here is telling you. If you follow this program you and your H can have what it is that you think these two fogged out waywards have. Only what you'll have will be real and will be indestructible. Not some fairy tale nonsense about first love crud. You and him will provide each other with the things that create love and will avoid the things that cause you to lose love. You'll become an interdependent couple with healthy boundaries. You'll spend your days providing each other with extraordinary care. A term that Dr Harley uses often, a term I just love hearing and love receiving for myself. We all want that for you.

Please stop the navel gazing and capitulating and get working the program. Anything short of that then you're wasting these people's time. They are sitting at the ready, ready to help you execute the plan that has a great chance at saving and creating a fantastic marriage.

You need to start today.


Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
Unwritten, maybe I havent explained this too well, this is all my husbands doing, he contacted her and listened to her story and convinced her he loves her and that they belong together, she is a very flawed person and is very very needy and believes he is her knight in shining armour. Even thou I should not have sympathy for her I do in a way, because I think she is a victim here too. She doesnt want to steal my husband, he wants her. I agree she is hurting her husband but I think she is afraid and embarassed by what she is doing and will be looking at another divorce. I dont want to be on her side believe me but this is not your usual affair, they are strongly pulled to each other by this first love they experienced together that was interrupted.

Heres the thing, there is no way you can explain this that a RATIONAL person would 'understand.' You are in your own fog too. We understand that, and many of us have been there. We are all volunteers who are spending our own free time posting to you because we have been there, and have had MB change our marriages and lives. We care about you and don't want to see you continue to make mistakes that will cost you your marriage, and your mental and physical health. But ultimately, it comes down to your own free will and whether you will take the help or remain in your fog of denial and enabling. I wonder, how is 'plan wifeinstrife' working for you?

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
Unwritten, maybe I havent explained this too well, this is all my husbands doing, he contacted her and listened to her story and convinced her he loves her and that they belong together, she is a very flawed person and is very very needy and believes he is her knight in shining armour. Even thou I should not have sympathy for her I do in a way, because I think she is a victim here too. She doesnt want to steal my husband, he wants her. I agree she is hurting her husband but I think she is afraid and embarassed by what she is doing and will be looking at another divorce. I dont want to be on her side believe me but this is not your usual affair, they are strongly pulled to each other by this first love they experienced together that was interrupted.

Nobody here will ever see this OW as a victim. As long as she has a brain and free will, she is choosing to be in this affair.

But since you, in your fog, cannot see that she may be at fault here and is a huge enemy to your marriage, I am going to try a different approach.

Affairs are weapons of mass destruction. And I don't mean just to YOU and your marriage. This OW is destroying her own life and marriage too. Likewise, it is very common for the people involved in an affair to become depressed and suffer emotionally and physically. I would say this is especially true if someone is 'religious' and has a strong moral background (although I don't actually believe that is the case here). Lying and cheating, leading an immoral life, feels BAD, and makes you feel BAD about yourself (as it should, of course.) This is the life OW is leading. She is making choices that are destroying her life, her marriage, her family, her mental and physical health. And you are enabling her to do this! You think you are doing her some kind of favor by not exposing because she is a 'victim' but you are not doing her a favor at all. It is the same as watching an addict shoot up heroin and just letting it happen because you don't want to seek help and hurt their reputation or upset them. You are not helping them at all.

Exposing this affair is the right thing to do. Period. If you choose to enable it and keep their little secret for them, specifically from the OW's betrayed husband who has no idea what's going on, that is just cruel and wrong. (And, it will lead to one of two things: the end of your marriage, or a lifetime of death by a thousand cuts as you continue to watch your husband oogle over another woman from the sideline.)

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
I dont want to be on her side believe me but this is not your usual affair, they are strongly pulled to each other by this first love they experienced together that was interrupted.
And that is different from every other affair .... how??

The majority of affair partners feel a strong pull towards each other. That is why they are willing to risk losing everything (family, home, jobs) just to be with their affair partner.

This affair is very much run-of-the-mill. There is nothing special here.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
wife, I say this with kindness, but the only thing unique here is the level of denial and fog we see from YOU. As you can see from these responses, we are alarmed. We don't typically see spouses that enable to this degree. The affair is very garden variety, they are all the same; it is your reaction that is very unique.......and alarming.

Instead of fighting for your marriage you seem to be protecting the AFFAIR, at your own expense.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 36
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 36
Unwritten, I want to thank you for you post. What you have said is making the most sense to me. I see that she is destroying her life and her marriage, and so is my husband which hurts me. They are both making this choice and I am enabling it and not doing them any favors. I have been doing alot of thinking over this and I know she is not a victim. I would like help exposing this to her husband.I feel he does deserve to know as she will not tell him like my husband told me. I do not feel comfortable calling her husband as I am not sure what number to call anyway. He does have a facebook page and I could private message him. I could write him but I am sure she would see that first. Do you have any suggestions for wording this message?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
I would like help exposing this to her husband.

The husband has to be the FIRST exposure target of MANY exposure targets. You can't just expose to one target and then stop. If your baby had a horrible infection would you take a teeny drop of penicillin and then stop or would you take the full dose and kill the infection? If you take a teeny drop, it will achieve nothing other than to make the infection come back with a vengeance. You need to be more strategic here and expose the affair so widely that it kills it off.

Did you read my exposure thread to get tips on who to expose to and what to say?

Once you expose it you must DEMAND that your H never see or speak to this woman again. NEVER. We will give you a checklist of extraordinary precautions to ensure this never happens again.

Quote
I feel he does deserve to know as she will not tell him like my husband told me. I do not feel comfortable calling her husband as I am not sure what number to call anyway. He does have a facebook page and I could private message him. I could write him but I am sure she would see that first. Do you have any suggestions for wording this message?

I would CALL or visit him and tell him all about the affair. You need to get ahold of him in a way that the OW does not see and block you. For example, if you call his house, you have to disguise your # using *67. Do you know where he works? Can you call him at work and go meet him?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
]
Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
I do not feel comfortable calling her husband as I am not sure what number to call anyway.

Our goal is to save your marriage using strategic and effective tactics. It is not to make you feel comfortable. That should be the LEAST of your concerns in this situation.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 36
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 36
Thats tough because when I do this my husband is going to be so mad. He is very protective of her and what she has been through in her life. I have to be ready to handle this situation.

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
Thats tough because when I do this my husband is going to be so mad. He is very protective of her and what she has been through in her life. I have to be ready to handle this situation.

We are not giving advice to avoid your husbands anger at all cost. Your marriage can survive his anger. Of course he will be angry, the same way a falling down drunk gets angry when you take the bottle away. The same way a baby gets mad when you take their candy away. You do it anyway because it is the right thing to do.

Does it bother you just a little bit that he is protective of her and NOT YOU??? You are his WIFE, you need to start believing you are worth more than this and fight.

Don't trickle expose, meaning one or two people today, another tomorrow, and so on. It is not nearly as effective and will perpetuate the fallout over a period of time. DO IT ALL AT ONCE and then you will only have to deal with the fallout once.

If he calls you spewing about how his poor little OW is destroyed because of exposure, you can remind him that any consequence OF HER AFFAIR is due to the AFFAIR, and that you are just telling the truth. If she is the one true love in his life and they are so perfect together, why would they care one iota if the world knew about this great love affair? (Answer: because it is just a nasty garden variety back alley affair and they are ashamed of it)

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
You can do this wifeinstrife, but you need to grow a backbone here and believe you are worth more than this.

I can tell that the last 16 months has already taken a toll on your emotional well being. You are more concerned about your cheating husband being 'angry' with you than you are about fighting for your marriage, doing what is right, or even your own health. This is why Dr Harley does not recommend more than 3 weeks of a woman being in this situation, because it does so much emotional and physical damage. And you have been doing this for over a year!

Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 36
W
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 36
unwritten, This has taken a terrible toll on me and I want it to stop and I do have a backbone. Otherwise I would not still be trying to save my marriage. I am very concerned about my husband and I want to fight for him, but I wanted him to be responsible for what he has done himself. He has in the last 12 months watch me go downhill emotionally and physically and it doesnt seem to bother him at all. I was really hoping he would realize what he is doing and man up and stop himself. I have repeatedly told him to stop, I have moved out, talked like crazy, and still they keep going. I wanted this to come from him but it is not going to. I wanted her to see what she is doing but she is not going to either. As always it is up to me. I am going to expose them but I will need help.

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
I am glad to hear. You will find that after the dust settles, exposing was the best thing you could have done.

We are here to help you!

Page 4 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (anchorwatch), 113 guests, and 49 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux, I.P., Alex82
71,727 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,545
Posts2,322,787
Members71,728
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5