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Lin63 Offline OP
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Hello, need guidence. Aside from my own struggle with my husbands affairs. I am learning my 33 yr old daughter has been in a 4 yr relationship with a man who had a secret second life with a long term girlfriend. They have been on and off again for the 4 yrs and have two lovey baby boys. My daughter is single and has tried to break off this relationship many times. Now he has decided to come clean and stay with the girlfriend. How do i help my daughter end this once and for all. Can see come here for guidance?
thank you


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
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Hi Lin63, yes your daughter can come here for guidance. Have her post in "dating and relationships".


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Originally Posted by Lin63
Hello, need guidence. Aside from my own struggle with my husbands affairs. I am learning my 33 yr old daughter has been in a 4 yr relationship with a man who had a secret second life with a long term girlfriend. They have been on and off again for the 4 yrs and have two lovey baby boys. My daughter is single and has tried to break off this relationship many times. Now he has decided to come clean and stay with the girlfriend. How do i help my daughter end this once and for all. Can see come here for guidance?
thank you
Welcome to MB.

You said your husband's affairs? Has he had multiple affairs? Who has he had affairs with?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Lin63 Offline OP
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I'm on here as lin63. My husband and I have been on the radio show. My husband has had 2 sexual affairs and several emotional affairs over our 36 yr marriage. Dr. Harley does not feel my husband is a serial cheater but rather worked and lifestyle opened the door for affairs. Lastly we lived apart for 5 yrs while he finished his career and I took care of our retirement home.
7 yrs ago as a family we experienced a traumatic event that caused the trauma we seem to all be experiencing. My WH has completed all the exposure and extraordinary precautions. He is no longer working and we are together 24/7. He doesn't even go to the store alone.
I have places webwatcher on his computers and followed the advice give here. Dr. Harley wants us to have 25 hours of undivided attention, We are working on that. We have a solid 20 consistently and just returned from our first ever vacation together. It is a struggle for me, I am now feeling resentment as the shock of it wears off. Now my daughter, what heart ache. At one point we actually tried to help the WM get our daughter to work on the relationship. As she was trying to end it. He wants to end it now but he will be ack in a month and will be threatening her about the babies and then claiming he needs her back.I've already given her the link to the forum and dating and relationships. She knows it will be tough going.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
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Does the girlfriend know everything?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Has he given you Just Compensation?
What is Just Compensation?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Lin63 Offline OP
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just compensation, yes he is trying, as for the last girlfriend yes she knows we followed the directions he wrote an exposure letter. she believed i wrote it and i was keepimg him from her. he was a coward and didnt want to face her, I exposed her on facebook on her page. it was a lucky loophole as she was very clever and was blocked. She actually called my home and told me she was waiting for him to come to her. He had to tell her in front of me that he had lied to both of us and he loved me and didnt want anything more to do with her.
that was May 16,2016. He took some time to grieve and then I think he may still be in the fog.
However he did not go back to work. we live 450 miles from her, he closed his accounts online and opened a new one with me. we have read surviving an affair, love busters, and his needs her needs, we are working on building romantic love workbook. Dr. Harley has me reporting his independent behaviors and they have all but stopped. He tells me he is very happy and loves his new lifestyle. We are still a bit disconnected however,And i am suspicious about everything. If he makes a misstep I am right back at ground zero, although my recovery time is less and less. I have a lot of triggers.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
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Does the girlfriend in your daughter's situation know her boyfriend has fathered two children with your daughter while also carrying on with her? If you make sure the girlfriend has the truth she may help keep this double life from continuing. But I wouldn't trust him to come clean with the girlfriend. He's a skilled liar.
You won't know for sure that the girlfriend knows the whole story until you and your daughter tell her yourselves.

Last edited by buildsherhouse; 10/05/16 06:22 AM.

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Lin63 Offline OP
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Thank you for getting me back on track. It is what happens with triggers. We are going to our daughters today. We will pack up his stuff then take it out of there. W Boyfriend is a firefighter and is currently working a fire out of state. Daughter has forms for child support and we will try to get her to file them today. He has used the babies as a threat for some time. Girlfriend is just a few blocks from daughters home. Should my daughter write an exposure letter? Does she keep her texts from him?



Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
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Exposure as is typically talked about here is for married couples. You are just talking to the girlfriend to make sure she has the truth rather than depend on the word of a liar that he has come clean to the girlfriend.

Will your daughter come and post for advice? I'm sure people here would be glad to help her.


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Lin63 Offline OP
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Yes, I hope she will come here, right now she is pretty raw and needs your imput. We spent the day with her yesterday. Boxed up Waywards belongings and took them up to other woman's home placed them safely on her front porch. Changed phone number, wrote exposure letter and left it at other woman's house. Texted Wayward and told him where he stuff was and to never contact again. Any communication needed to be thru attorney or specified relative.
My husband told his daughter she did not have to make all the mistakes he had and how important it was to end it cleanly.
That he could help and be support.
Worried about the babies, he really has never participated with them, was not at births and did not support her. over the summer he came and spent some time claiming he wanted a relationship. Now he is demanding full shared custody. The babies don't even know them. So again I hope my daughter comes here for advice and positive personal direction for recovery.



Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
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Exposure isn't appropriate. They are not married.

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If I understand correctly, exposure is only to the other girlfriend. She had the right to know her boyfriend is a cheater. I agree it should not be exposed to relatives and friends, like it should be in case of an extramarital affair.

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Those babies have a right to child support from this man. She should not ignore that. She should file immediately.

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Lin63 Offline OP
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She only wrote to the other girlfriend. For 5 yrs she was told the other girlfriend was just an old roommate. The letter was not intrusive, Only that she had had an intimate relationship with the man and that she had tried to end it several times. She was delivering his things there as he had stated he was rebuilding that relationship and wished for no further contact.
Exposure only to other girlfriend. In hopes he would now end contact. Child support, You are correct she never filed for anything. He told her more than once to just do it out of anger over the years and then suggested she was just using him. She has raised them alone. I hope to have her fill out the paperwork once she is feeling well enough.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
Joined: Jan 2015
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If he has never paid child support it may increase her chances of full custody. She should talk to a lawyer and email Dr Harley for his advice before filing.


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Agree with buildsherhouse...she may not want to file for child support because it may increase her chances of full custody without him around.

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Lin63 Offline OP
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Sorry we have all had the stomach flu. She will get advice from an attorney. Also write Dr. Harley. I will hold off on the paperwork. Because he is a federal wildland firefighter he is gone and moving from state to state all year. It makes it easy to cover his tracks.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34

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