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Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
HE DOESNT CARE IF HE IS MARRIED!!!!!!!! He wants what he wants and that has always been the way, something is always better then what he has. He wants her.

wife,

To reiterate what has already been stated, we don't care what he wants or he thinks he wants. Nor should you. He's fogged out. Stop focusing on him and his thoughts. Focus on what you want and that is to either end this affair, recover your M OR move to Plan B and possible divorce.

Regardless if you are staying or not your first course of action was exposure which you claim to have done. Repeatedly you have been asked what your exposure was comprised of. Please answer that question before you do anything else.


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Wife,

You need to dig really deep and find the strength to take control of your own life.

No one can help you until you decide to step outside of your comfort zone and fight this evil. MB does not work if you won't pick up the tools.




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Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
HE DOESNT CARE IF HE IS MARRIED!!!!!!!! He wants what he wants and that has always been the way, something is always better then what he has. He wants her.

Calm down.

It's really difficult to help when you ignore our posts.

Who did you expose to and in what manner?


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Originally Posted by pokerface
Wife,

You need to dig really deep and find the strength to take control of your own life.

No one can help you until you decide to step outside of your comfort zone and fight this evil. MB does not work if you won't pick up the tools.

This.

You seem to have no strength left to even be rational or reasonable. To even recognize that we are trying to help you and respond to us. Either that or you are just being very rude, because many people are spending their own time trying to help you here.

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Unwritten, I never meant to be rude. I really appreciate everyones advice. I cant stop their affair or his behavior. I was just looking for a way to figure out what to do. I realize I cant stop him or have control over his behavior. Thank you

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Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
Unwritten, I never meant to be rude. I really appreciate everyones advice. I cant stop their affair or his behavior. I was just looking for a way to figure out what to do. I realize I cant stop him or have control over his behavior. Thank you

Did you want to follow the advice we gave you?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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wife, it is very hard to believe you are serious when you ignore the advice we took the time to give you and then come back and ask for more advice. Are we more serious about your situation than you are?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
I was just looking for a way to figure out what to do.

We gave you advice on what to do. We provided you with a plan of attack that would give you the best possibility of killing this affair and saving your marriage. A plan that was constructed by a clinical psychologist that has worked with infidelity for over 40 years. A plan that many of us used to kill affairs and/or restore our own marriages.

You not only chose to ignore our advice and ignore our questions, but continue to come back with short quips of irrelevant fog babble. This is keeping posters here, invested, still trying to help you. But it seems we are more serious about your marriage than you are and we are just wasting our time.

Come back when you are serious.


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Unwritten, I can not follow your advice, I tried but they are very firmly entrenched. I have listened to alot of their conversations and they are meant for each other. I know you think i am in a fog but I am not. I have lived this way for 14 months and listen to them for a long time, our marriage was over a long time ago for him. I can not compete nor do I want to with this women, she is most likely the right person for him since high school. I believe I need to step out of the way and find a life for myself. He has never treated me like he does her, it is completely different with them, they are very open and loving with each other, something I have always wanted. I will not post again, I am sure your advice is sucessful with affairs of shorter duration, and that you have helped many couples. This first love lost love needs to be looked at differently I think because it is powerful stuff. I will think about asking for a divorce, in actuality I have thought all along he wanted me to do that, because he cant, Besides we are on her time table it seems while she gets rid of husband 4. You do not need to reply and this is my last post. Thank you again.

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Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
Unwritten, I can not follow your advice, I tried but they are very firmly entrenched.

wife, you have not tried. You are refusing to follow the advice because you are very, very entrenched in your pattern of enabling. You are so fogged out that you are not able to put aside your emotions and follow a plan. There is nothing we can do for you unless that changes. Just know that you could have saved your marriage but are REFUSING to follow the advice.

If you decide to get serious about your marriage, let us know and we can help you. The longer you enable the affair the harder it will be to save your marriage, though. Thats all on you.

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This first love lost love needs to be looked at differently I think because it is powerful stuff.

This is a bunch of silly chick flick nonsense. You have no earthly idea what you are talking about. Best of luck to you...


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Did you at the very least let her poor husband know?


FWW/BW (me)
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2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
This first love lost love needs to be looked at differently I think because it is powerful stuff.

Of course former lovers are powerful stuff, which is the reason Dr. Harley makes these recommendations. It needs to be treated exactly the way Dr. Harley recommends if you want to survive - because it is powerful stuff! What are you recommending be treated "differently"? Are you recommending that it be ignored? Are you recommending that it not be taken seriously?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
Unwritten, I can not follow your advice, I tried but they are very firmly entrenched. I have listened to alot of their conversations and they are meant for each other. I know you think i am in a fog but I am not. I have lived this way for 14 months and listen to them for a long time, our marriage was over a long time ago for him. I can not compete nor do I want to with this women, she is most likely the right person for him since high school. I believe I need to step out of the way and find a life for myself. He has never treated me like he does her, it is completely different with them, they are very open and loving with each other, something I have always wanted. I will not post again, I am sure your advice is sucessful with affairs of shorter duration, and that you have helped many couples. This first love lost love needs to be looked at differently I think because it is powerful stuff. I will think about asking for a divorce, in actuality I have thought all along he wanted me to do that, because he cant, Besides we are on her time table it seems while she gets rid of husband 4. You do not need to reply and this is my last post. Thank you again.

Yes, you are in a fog wife, a very very deep one. This is the result of living with this for so long. I am giving advice based on the teachings of Dr Harley, who has been working with with infidelity for over 40 years. The advice is the same REGARDLESS OF THE NATURE OF THE AFFAIR. You think that you are some expert on this highschool sweetheart soulmate stuff, but you are no expert at all. Dr Harley however IS an expert, he has seen affairs just like this thousands of times. Yet you choose to ignore his proven advice because you are so fogged out.

This affair does not need to be handled differently, the advice is the same because the makeup of an affair is all the same regardless of how or where it started or how long it has gone on. However, the chances of recovery are less when it is very entrenched and has been ENABLED so long. That is the reason yours is likely to fail, not because these two are 'made for each other' but because you have enabled it so long. You have sat by and did absolutely nothing to keep your husband from making this terrible mistake, or to protect your marriage or yourself. Based on your lack of response, I am going to assume you have not even told the OW's poor husband what he is up against, which is selfish and cruel.

I am sorry you are at a point of being so weak you cannot follow a plan. I am sorry that you choose to continue enabling this affair instead of doing the right thing and exposing it. I am sorry that you are choosing to sit back idly while your world falls apart. Have you heard the phrase 'pray to God but row for the shore?' You are choosing to just sit in the boat feeling sorry for yourself while it sinks in the storm. We are trying to hand you the oars, we are telling you we have seen this sinking ship thousands of times and you CAN make it to shore but you have to row, and you are saying no you would rather just sit... Even if this affair breaks up on its own someday, and your WH decides to take you as his alternative, the fact that you did absolutely nothing to stand up for yourself or your marriage is not going to reflect well on you. And then you will ask nothing of him in recovery either and will have a death of a thousand cuts for the rest of your life while you sit idly by and be his second option. That would not be good enough for me, and I am sorry that is good enough for you because you deserve better.

Good luck to you, you are going to need it.

Come back if you are ever serious.

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Unwritten, I have stood up for myself many many times. I am not the weak person you think I am. I strongly asked him stop several times over the past months of this affair. One of which led to him buying another phone and telling me he had quit talking and seeing her and he agreed to work on us. I was fooled for 3 months at which point I found out and that is when I moved out for 3 months. I have taken the advice of many people and nothing works with him. He has strongly told me if I ever tell anyone about it there would be serious complications, as her son is a gun owner and they are unsure of the sons reaction. I guess they are afraid he will shoot her. This women has had a terrible life and I know I shouldnt feel bad for her but I do. I have told my whole family about this affair and this is hard because they think the world of my husband and if anyone would have influence it would be them, and I have told 3 of his most influential friends but not the other womens husband. No one has any idea how to stop this. I even told our son who now thinks his father is a dog. It is ruining so many peoples lifes and I want to be able to move on. You are right though because even if the affair breaks up I will always be his second choice and would have been 12 months ago anyway and I know this so I may never be able to move past that anyway. My therapist told me my marriage was over months ago and still here I am. You are right in saying it is not good enough for me because I do deserve better and he knows it and knows he is being very cruel. But to me exposing her to her family seems wrong. Now that my family knows I have more support especially from my son. I would never claim to know more than Dr. Harley in anyway. I will think more over exposing to her husband. I am blocked from their phones etc. It wont be easy.

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I don't think you are a weak person wife. What I think is that you have been in this traumatic situation for so long, with a wayward spouse who is gaslighting you and repeatedly rubbing his affair in your face. ANY WOMAN in that situation will suffer emotionally. This is precisely why Dr Harley advises women not to be in this situation for more than 3 weeks, because it is emotionally devastating to a woman. This situation has weakened you emotionally, intellectually, and likely physically. You have been brainwashed and are not thinking rationally anymore. That is what I think.

What has happened is that you have been brainwashed to believe all of his fogbabble, and now you are drinking the koolaid and passing it out to other people. I do not for a second think you *properly* exposed to anyone. When you come here and try to tell us fogbabble, about how this is different and they are soul mates blah blah blah, and we KNOW BETTER because we have seen this exact situation happen a thousand times before, I can guarentee that you passed out the exact same koolaid to your family and friends. We tell people to expose all at once so that the wayward doesn't have time to spin the story. That was not necessary here, because you have been so emotionally damaged by this long term affair rubbed in your face, that YOU spun the story. YOU once again, enabled the affair!

You are making many, many strategic mistakes here. We are all watching you crash and burn. But you want to learn the hard way instead of by taking advice from those of us who have been there, and know what works and what doesn't. It is very frustrating to watch.

It is also frustrating to know that there is a betrayed spouse out there, who knows there is something dramatically wrong in his marriage, yet doesn't know what. He doesn't know how to fight it, or even the truth about his life so he can make a decision. Yet YOU KNOW, and you choose to keep the dirty little secret. That's disgusting to me and every other betrayed spouse on here. It is not right or decent or respectable.

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Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
I have taken the advice of many people and nothing works with him.

You have taken the advice of many people who KNOW NOTHING ABOUT AFFAIRS. Yet you chose to NOT take the advice of a clinical psychologist who has specialized in affairs for over 40 years. Makes perfect sense!

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Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
He has strongly told me if I ever tell anyone about it there would be serious complications, as her son is a gun owner and they are unsure of the sons reaction. I guess they are afraid he will shoot her.

Every single affair story has some deranged betrayed spouse or family member who will likely blow the town up if the affair is exposed.

This is not true. It is part of the gaslighting. It is how they are keeping you in control.

Here is the rational way of looking at this. If there actually was a deranged trigger happy son, would he not be responding negatively TO THE AFFAIR ? Wouldn't it be THE AFFAIR that upsets him, rather than some lady he doesn't know just telling the truth about her life? Who responds crazy to someone who tells the truth??? He would respond crazy TO THE AFFAIR. So why on earth, if this woman is his soul mate shmoopie, would your wonderful husband be HAVING AN AFFAIR if it was going to cause the death of the love of his life???

Because this isn't true. She may have an unstable son, she may not. But if this was a REAL threat, they would be more concerned about HAVING AN AFFAIR. Obviously, they are not concerned about that. They are giving you fogbabble reasons to keep you contained, to keep you in control. If this were really a possibility, it would be because of the affair, not because of you, which means they would be the ones who are creating this danger, NOT YOU. The affair, not the exposure.

There is no danger. This is a method to keep you in control, one that we see all the time here.

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Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
No one has any idea how to stop this.

Um, except Dr Harley. You know the guy who runs this site? The one who wrote the best selling book "Surviving an Affair?" The clinical psychologist who has specialized in affairs for over 40 years? That guy.


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Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
But to me exposing her to her family seems wrong.

What you are doing NOW is WRONG. Keeping the dirty little secret is WRONG. Lying to this man by omission, about something so crucial to his life, is WRONG. Letting your husband traipse around with his wife and wreck his marriage and life is WRONG.

What you are doing now is wrong, immoral, deceitful and cruel. You can spin this to your own self any way you want if it helps you feel better, but don't spin it to us. You will get no support here for keeping this a secret from this betrayed unsuspecting man.

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Originally Posted by wifeinstrife
Unwritten, I have stood up for myself many many times. I am not the weak person you think I am. I strongly asked him stop several times over the past months of this affair. One of which led to him buying another phone and telling me he had quit talking and seeing her and he agreed to work on us. I was fooled for 3 months at which point I found out and that is when I moved out for 3 months. I have taken the advice of many people and nothing works with him. He has strongly told me if I ever tell anyone about it there would be serious complications, as her son is a gun owner and they are unsure of the sons reaction. I guess they are afraid he will shoot her. This women has had a terrible life and I know I shouldnt feel bad for her but I do. I have told my whole family about this affair and this is hard because they think the world of my husband and if anyone would have influence it would be them, and I have told 3 of his most influential friends but not the other womens husband. No one has any idea how to stop this. I even told our son who now thinks his father is a dog. It is ruining so many peoples lifes and I want to be able to move on. You are right though because even if the affair breaks up I will always be his second choice and would have been 12 months ago anyway and I know this so I may never be able to move past that anyway. My therapist told me my marriage was over months ago and still here I am. You are right in saying it is not good enough for me because I do deserve better and he knows it and knows he is being very cruel. But to me exposing her to her family seems wrong. Now that my family knows I have more support especially from my son. I would never claim to know more than Dr. Harley in anyway. I will think more over exposing to her husband. I am blocked from their phones etc. It wont be easy.

You, ma'am, are an enabler. You only have yourself to blame for the sad state of your marriage. This could have been saved, but not if you choose to do nothing other than enable the affair.

In the meantime, you come here and waste our valuable free time that could be spent on helping those who are serious about saving their marriages. Why come here if you aren't serious?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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