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Does your BH have any questions about the A that you have not answered? Remember, HE gets to decide what level of detail he should get. It is your job to just be completely open and honest. But once all of the details about the affair have been disclosed, you should never speak about it again. Rehashing it will hurt both of you and make recovery impossible.

I would change your phone number and delete your social media accounts. If you have the same number, the OM could call you on it. Even if it is in the possession of your BH, that would be a trigger for him, and to keep him safe you want to avoid that. And you don't need social media. I know it is fun to post pics on Facebook, but you have had two affairs, and have hurt your husband deeply. If you want to fix that, get rid of the social media.

Does your BH have access to everything you have, full transparency?

How much UA time are you spending together? Dr Harley recommends 20-25 hours of UA time if you are rebuilding, 15 hours if you are maintaining a romantic relationship. If you are working two jobs, I am wondering if this is possible, in which case you would definitely want to change that.

Dr Harley recommends NO nights apart, this includes for business travel. Any time your husband is traveling for work, is an opportunity for you to have contact with OM. Maybe you are thinking this is not going to happen, but what is your BH thinking??? He is also very vulnerable to an affair right now. This traveling job of his is marriage wrecking.


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This is great information. I feel like I've been waiting for him to make up his mind about whether he is going to leave or not before I take action on some things. For instance, like giving him access to my bank account and other accounts. But you are absolutely correct. I should just go ahead and do it. Also, I'm changing my phone number as we speak.

I will give my husband the password to social media accounts or should I just completely delete.

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I would delete the accounts. And then I would give him a list of the things you have done to protect him and your marriage, and ask him if there is anything else he can think of that would make him feel safer.

For instance, for me it was that I wanted to be invited to my husband's office more often so I knew the people he worked with. I also wanted him to bring a family photo to work with him. These were just things that made me feel safer with him at work. Maybe there are things your BH would like to make him feel safer.

I would also schedule a polygraph. If I were your BH, after not one but two affairs spread years apart, I would be wondering how many more there were that I didn't know about. You know what they say, for every rat you see there are a 100 you don't. I am not saying you have had other affairs, I am saying that if I were him I would assume you had. The problem with multiple betrayals is that when you said it would never happen again, it did. So now nothing you say has any weight.

A polygraph can put to bed any doubts about the full truth being on the table. It can be a closure to the past and start to the future. My WH took a polygraph and that is how it felt to me. For you, it can be a way for you to prove that you have given him the truth and he knows everything. It can be a start to rebuilding yourself as a trustworthy person.


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brr Offline OP
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I never thought of a polygraph test. I will ask him about that and I've made a list of account information and passwords.

Thanks so much. I'm not sure where all of this is going, but I feel good about giving him this information. I hadn't really thought of all this.

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you seen this?
What is Just Compensation?
Did you read this and listen to the clips in here?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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brr Offline OP
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Yes, I have and this is great information. Thank you for sharing.
I actually read through it when you sent it the first time. I have listed above to the previous counsel the items I'm working on. The person I was speaking to yesterday gave me some excellent advice and I've been working to accomplish those items. It seems to have helped a little, but I know my actions will speak louder than anything.

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Why aren't you moving with him? A move is often needed to get away from the pain of the affair.

Would your husband come here and post?

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How much UA time are you getting?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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brr Offline OP
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Well I'm waiting on my husband to decide whether he wants to work things out or not. We've been in this kind of limbo and he keeps saying that he's leaving, however, he's still here and hasn't made any indication that he's moving yet.

I don't know if he would post on here or not. I've told him and shared with him what I am doing. But so far, he has not.

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brr Offline OP
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We are together most every day at lunch and then in the evening. We have taken several trips this summer and into the fall and have several events planned throughout on the weekends.

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Originally Posted by brr
Well I'm waiting on my husband to decide whether he wants to work things out or not. We've been in this kind of limbo and he keeps saying that he's leaving, however, he's still here and hasn't made any indication that he's moving yet.
Have you tried suggesting that you move with him?


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His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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brr Offline OP
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Yes I have made a "plan proposal" with several suggested scenarios that involve me moving with him or our family moving together. I think at this point he is waiting on a relocation package to see what his employer is going to offer him before he makes any moves or decisions. At least, that is perception.

I want to ask what his decision is, but I also don't want to be pushy, so I feel like we are in a "state of holding and waiting"??

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