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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by AprilMay12
I am going to make it clear he is not moving in here again without a commitment to the marriage (and I am sure he is not going to agree to that since he's still in the throes of his affair).

You can't discuss anything with him until you have all the facts because you can't make such a commitment until you know what is being hidden. He will likely give you any "commitment" to day to get back in. I would not have any such discussion at all right now because he is not being honest.

As far as the ring, I would just do whatever you want.


Thanks, Melody. He just showed up and I still have the ring on. So I will keep it on. Thanks for the advice. I will avoid any discussions about our relationship.

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My Exposure story, I listened to Melody and SuzieQ and the others. It was hard for me, really hard. You are strong and headed in the right direction. I found out about the affair in Jan and didn't expose until May. All that time he claimed he had ended the affair and yet he was continuing his SSL and affair right under my nose. When I finally exposed, it was the end of the affair. My WH was able to be honest and tell me he was addicted to the OW and that he wanted it over and done. OW was furious, threatened me, told me I was holding my husband hostage and he was her man. One of the worst days of my life was having her call me and say those things. And the BEST day because my WH had to hear them and respond. The fantasy ENDED with those simple little expose letters. Don't let him lie to you. He will, he will do whatever, Once you get the proof listen to Melody and the others and follow through. You will feel so much freer and clearer and calmer.
Trust these people, they know and they understand.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
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Originally Posted by AprilMay12
Oh, and if anyone can link me to successful exposure/reconciliation threads, that would be awesome. I'd just like to read through some. I tried to use the search function but I don't think I know how to do it properly. Thank you so much in advance.
AprilMay, you can left click on any of our screen names, and then also left click to view posts. Then you can click back to the beginning of our earliest posts here on MB.

There are many successful exposure threads here. smile


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DH wanted to talk after our son went to bed. He was going around about how we couldn't afford to have he house and him have an apartment. I don't know, but he was talking about divorcing and everything, and it just occurred to me - maybe I should just let it go. Maybe I just let him go. I don't know if I can handle this pain anymore. I told him it wasn't a good idea to talk anymore. I told him he had to leave. He will absolutely be enraged when I expose him, and he already finds me controlling and I'm sure that we will never recover from that. I should just prepare myself for the fallout and that he will never want to be with me anymore.

After I get the evidence for the affair, do I confront him at all or do I go directly to plan B and expose at the same time? I guess I am confused at the timing. He is going to hate me, I know, but I don't want to live this lie anymore. I can't take it. I need to not ever see him or talk to him anymore, and I need everyone to know what he is choosing to do to our family.

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Originally Posted by AprilMay12
He will absolutely be enraged when I expose him, and he already finds me controlling and I'm sure that we will never recover from that. I should just prepare myself for the fallout and that he will never want to be with me anymore.

It is just the opposite. The reason he doesn't want to be with you NOW is because of his affair. Exposure will kill/hasten the death of his affair. Once his affair is dead, he will wnat to be with you again. Your marriage can survive his temporary anger over exposure; it can't survive an ongoing affair.

He needs to prepare for the fact that you will never take him back unless he ends his affair and makes radical changes in his lifestyle that will ensure this never happens again.

EVery recovered marriage on this forum attributes it to exposure. It gives you the BEST chance of recovery. It is no guarantee, but it is the best chance you have. Dr Harley, who has specialized in infidelity for 45 years says:

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."


Quote
After I get the evidence for the affair, do I confront him at all or do I go directly to plan B and expose at the same time? I guess I am confused at the timing. He is going to hate me, I know, but I don't want to live this lie anymore. I can't take it. I need to not ever see him or talk to him anymore, and I need everyone to know what he is choosing to do to our family.

I would first expose the affair and THEN confront him. At that time you can DEMAND he end his affair and find another job. When he refuses you will need to send him a Plan B letter giving him a path back and shutting off all contact.

i understand that exposure is scary, but what is more scary is getting divorced and enabling the affair. You may decide in the end to get a divorce.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by AprilMay12
D- maybe I should just let it go. Maybe I just let him go. I don't know if I can handle this pain anymore.

You have let him go. He is gone. The whole reason we coached you to put him out is so you can go into Plan B and stop the pain. As soon as you uncover the facts, we will help you a) expose and b) go into Plan B so you will be protected from the emotional pain


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by AprilMay12
He will absolutely be enraged when I expose him, and he already finds me controlling and I'm sure that we will never recover from that. I should just prepare myself for the fallout and that he will never want to be with me anymore.

It is just the opposite. The reason he doesn't want to be with you NOW is because of his affair. Exposure will kill/hasten the death of his affair. Once his affair is dead, he will wnat to be with you again. Your marriage can survive his temporary anger over exposure; it can't survive an ongoing affair.

He needs to prepare for the fact that you will never take him back unless he ends his affair and makes radical changes in his lifestyle that will ensure this never happens again.

EVery recovered marriage on this forum attributes it to exposure. It gives you the BEST chance of recovery. It is no guarantee, but it is the best chance you have. Dr Harley, who has specialized in infidelity for 45 years says:

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."


Quote
After I get the evidence for the affair, do I confront him at all or do I go directly to plan B and expose at the same time? I guess I am confused at the timing. He is going to hate me, I know, but I don't want to live this lie anymore. I can't take it. I need to not ever see him or talk to him anymore, and I need everyone to know what he is choosing to do to our family.

I would first expose the affair and THEN confront him. At that time you can DEMAND he end his affair and find another job. When he refuses you will need to send him a Plan B letter giving him a path back and shutting off all contact.

i understand that exposure is scary, but what is more scary is getting divorced and enabling the affair. You may decide in the end to get a divorce.


Yes, thank you. I was very upset right now after he left. I am sick of that feeling. I feel so helpless whenever I talk to him. And I've been doing great. And when he saw me this evening he told me that I "looked really pretty". what is that??? Some sort of manipulation/mind game?

I just sincerely hope that whatever evidence the PI gets is so concrete that it will just blow up this whole thing. I just am still in shock that this is even my life right now.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by AprilMay12
D- maybe I should just let it go. Maybe I just let him go. I don't know if I can handle this pain anymore.

You have let him go. He is gone. The whole reason we coached you to put him out is so you can go into Plan B and stop the pain. As soon as you uncover the facts, we will help you a) expose and b) go into Plan B so you will be protected from the emotional pain


So I have a question. He had wanted to talk about our living arrangement and I told him he has to stay out of the house, which he obviously doesn't like. My sister has a rental property and she had offered to let him live there at a discounted rate, on a month to month basis. I brought up to him and he told me that he'd have to "swallow" his pride to accept. It's a bit farther from work for him, but so is his friend's house where he is staying now, which is apparently not a problem for him. Suddenly, this place would be. No matter that it's way closer to us and our son so he would be able to see him more frequently and have overnights. So he said he would think about it. That was before our conversation deteriorated and I asked him to leave.

I am sure he will contact me here in the next day or so. It seems whenever I make a move to make him follow through with his desires to leave me, he tries to maintain more contact with me. He's called me and texted me more the past 3 days he's been out of the house than he had in the 3 weeks since he told me he wanted out.

So, what do I do when he contacts me if it's before I expose/Plan B? I really almost want to revoke the offer, because he's being such a [censored]. If he doesn't want to find a solution so that he can more readily see our son, then why should I be helping him? I think most of my problem is that I am constantly trying to help him fix his. He has some whacky idea in his head that we can peacefully divorce, and remain a family unit somehow and stay friends. He told me last night that what he wants is for everything to stay the same, but everything to change (and admitted how that was impossible).

I mean, at this point I am looking forward to going dark. I have given this man the best years of my life and this is how he repays me. I am so tired of it.

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He is just reading the wayward script. They all say those things.

crazy things Waywards say

Last edited by apples123; 10/30/16 06:58 AM.
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Originally Posted by apples123
He is just reading the wayward script. They all say those things.

crazy things Waywards say


Oh yeah, everything he is doing or saying is so by the book it's almost humorous. Like he must really think I am stupid.

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Originally Posted by AprilMay12
[
So I have a question. He had wanted to talk about our living arrangement and I told him he has to stay out of the house, which he obviously doesn't like. My sister has a rental property and she had offered to let him live there at a discounted rate, on a month to month basis. I brought up to him and he told me that he'd have to "swallow" his pride to accept. It's a bit farther from work for him, but so is his friend's house where he is staying now, which is apparently not a problem for him. Suddenly, this place would be. No matter that it's way closer to us and our son so he would be able to see him more frequently and have overnights. So he said he would think about it. That was before our conversation deteriorated and I asked him to leave.

I am sure he will contact me here in the next day or so. It seems whenever I make a move to make him follow through with his desires to leave me, he tries to maintain more contact with me. He's called me and texted me more the past 3 days he's been out of the house than he had in the 3 weeks since he told me he wanted out.

So, what do I do when he contacts me if it's before I expose/Plan B? I really almost want to revoke the offer, because he's being such a [censored]. If he doesn't want to find a solution so that he can more readily see our son, then why should I be helping him? I think most of my problem is that I am constantly trying to help him fix his. He has some whacky idea in his head that we can peacefully divorce, and remain a family unit somehow and stay friends. He told me last night that what he wants is for everything to stay the same, but everything to change (and admitted how that was impossible).

First off, you should stop talking to him about where he is going to live, that is his problem entirely.

Secondly, the reason he is contacting you more is becuase he senses he is losing control over you. He doesn't like that. When you go into Plan B, he will initially go NUTS and refuse to communicate through an intermediary. Just expect that and be prepared to overcome that conflict. [I will help you through this]

Lastly, every cheater wants to be "friends" with his spouse so he will feel LESS GUILTY. He will feel much better about destroying yoru marriage if you will just be his "friend, or "coparent." It is a classic TACTIC. It is not in your best interest to be his "friend." It will destroy your mental health.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by AprilMay12
Originally Posted by apples123
He is just reading the wayward script. They all say those things.

crazy things Waywards say


Oh yeah, everything he is doing or saying is so by the book it's almost humorous. Like he must really think I am stupid.

As you read around the forum, you will be utterly shocked at how scripted these waywards are. They all say the same things.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I think he is planning to meet up with her today. I just checked our account and he took out another $80 from an ATM and filled up his car with gas. I think he did the same last weekend and lied to me about going to dinner with his friend. I think his friend is covering for him. I think he is meeting her at a hotel. I so wish my PI would follow him today but we didn't plan on it and I don't think she can now. What do I do?

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Call and ask, the worst she can do is say she isn't available.

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Yea, I asked and she can't

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My son just asked if WS could come over to carve pumpkins with us. So I just texted him asking if he would do that.

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Why?

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I assumed you were already in plan B and didn't understand why you would invite him over. After re-reading your thread I realize you are not in plan B yet.

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Originally Posted by AprilMay12
My son just asked if WS could come over to carve pumpkins with us. So I just texted him asking if he would do that.

NO, don't do that, April. Don't invite him in the house. That is setting a very dangerous precedent. Keep him out of the house.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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It is ok to communicate with him via phone and text for time being until you go into Plan B, but you don't even need him coming into your home playing "happy family." That hurts you, your son and your husband. It causes you more pain and it gives your son and your H false expectations. It also allows your H to feel better about his destructive activities, which you do not want to do!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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