Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,343
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,343
Likes: 3
Originally Posted by Lin63
I need help. I listened all day to the clips from Dr. Harley, I searched the internet. Here is my problem. I don't know what I should do to regain sexual intimacy.
We have been recovering from the affairs, He is attentive, supportive, affectionate, He has shared more and more of this career and his childhood. He tells me he used porn and masturbation early. He was never secretive about porn. Just believed it wasn't a big deal. Dr Harley's paper turned his head.
Now we are a few months into the withdrawal and he has no desire or interest at all. It is not him but me who is having the difficulty. I am needing the SF and don't know how to encourage him. He has spoken to his Dr. and taken a blood test. Dr. Harley has suggested we commit to sex 3 times a week. But how on earth do we do that when he isn't interested and I don't know what I can do to assist with that. I don't want to make it worse.
How is this going Lin?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 137
L
Lin63 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 137
Not well!! I am terribly depressed today. We went back to Dr. first of week. His testosterone is actually up. however Dr. agreed to try injections to increase his libido, its a 90 day trial. She cautioned him that he was probably have issues with withdrawals from multi affairs and porn.
WH husband did email Dr. Harley and tell him he wasn't interested in commiting to the every 3 day cycle. And Dr. Harley wrote back
Expressing that unless WH had a better plan he should give soe further thought to his plan of every three days and be greatful his wife was a willing participate i SF. Dr. Harley also made a comment about single women faking enjoyment in sf until they get married.
We read that email from Dr. Harley last night and I am going to ask WH how he is going to respond to Dr. Harley tonight.
I am so sad and hurt that WH finds the idea of committing or scheduling SF as a repulsive idea.
WH just called pharmacy is about 1 week out so it will be end of next week before we can even try the first injection. WH is focused on this as the end all for our issue.




Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 137
L
Lin63 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 137
Update, We talked about needing additional help. I read all the options on MB WS felt we needed to purchase the package with coaching and accountability. We really couldn't afford it yet but he felt we shouldn't wait. On Friday he said he had filled out the questionnaires. On Sat we had a movie and dinner date followed by church. So sat morning I proposed we watch one session of MB get our chores done then go on the date. WS stalled, refused to give me his plan, stalled some more. Then got up to leave without committing to anything. I said no you tell me what you want to do. He said I need to reboot! I want to go to my room listen to my radios and reboot. That was the end of conversation. he has spoken very little and has been either up in his office or out in the garage. This is a return to his old independent behavior. I am so devastated and confused, ready to plan for Divorce and call it quits once and for all. It will take me 6 months to prepare for a divorce It is winter here now and I have livestock and the farm will need to be sold and then finding a home suitable for me and the ladies I care for will all take time. I can do it. Any insight on my direction would be grateful.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,457
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,457
Likes: 9
Are you saying you have in fact purchased and signed up for the online course?

If that's the case, you need to email, your coach urgently, telling her that, having signed up, your husband is unwilling to do the work. She will talk to Dr Harley about this.

I think that, because you haven't finished watching the MB videos, you haven't yet been given access to the private forum where you can write directly to Dr Harley. If you do have access, then you could post there, but if you don't, then write to your coach.

The long and short is that your husband needs to be shown the door. Get your coach's guidance on this.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 137
L
Lin63 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 137
Yes we purchased the program. WS did the first two questionnaires. It's I just don't have it in me to be the cheerleader any more. Should WS decide to take up the program I'll follow along but I am just dead to it all right now.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,457
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,457
Likes: 9
I'm not surprised you're dead to it all, Lin.

My point, though, is that you must not try to be the cheerleader. I don't think that, in general, Dr Harley encourages the woman to be the cheerleader when the man is reluctant about working on the marriage (or says he is enthusiastic, but does not put that into practice). From what he says, a woman will wear herself out trying to drag along the dead weight of an unenthusiastic husband. She should look for swift action, or bail out.

His advice is different when it's the other way around, where the man has to be the cheerleader.

I am just suggesting that you try, at least for a week or two, to pass the cheerleading role to your coach; that is partly what the coaching side of the online programme is for. Your coach will consult with Dr Harley about everything you write, and every questionnaire that you complete, and if you need to stop what you are doing, Dr Harley is the expert to guide you through.

Please write to your coach.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 137
L
Lin63 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 137
And just write what? I talked on the phone with her last week. I haven't a clue what is going on in his mind. He got what he wanted he got to do whatever it was he wanted to do over the weekend. Maybe it was nothing maybe it was porn, It wasn't on his computer he must know I've put spy ware on. It wasn't his phone he left it down stairs. He wasn't listening to his radios. He wasn't on his lap top. He wasn't watching TV.He just had his ipad, no spyware on it. I've never gotten it away from him long enough to do anything with it. He came to bed and wanted to cuddle. He wanted to kiss me good by this morning. talk about the kids and grand kids.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,457
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,457
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by Lin63
And just write what? I talked on the phone with her last week. I haven't a clue what is going on in his mind. He got what he wanted he got to do whatever it was he wanted to do over the weekend. Maybe it was nothing maybe it was porn, It wasn't on his computer he must know I've put spy ware on. It wasn't his phone he left it down stairs. He wasn't listening to his radios. He wasn't on his lap top. He wasn't watching TV.He just had his ipad, no spyware on it. I've never gotten it away from him long enough to do anything with it. He came to bed and wanted to cuddle. He wanted to kiss me good by this morning. talk about the kids and grand kids.
Write the update that you posted earlier, about your H stalling and then not doing the MB work, and protesting about it, and eventually never getting it done.

I thought that was the problem, or am I missing something?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,457
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,457
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by Lin63
And just write what?
Lin, if you're done, then that's fine. File for divorce. I don't think anyone, including Dr Harley, would say you should not.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 137
L
Lin63 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 137
There was no protesting, no mention of MB. He doesn't protest. should i decide to push him into talking about his outburst and independent Behavior it will get turned back around to me. That's the problem. he says he's enthusiastic and then he decides he wants to do his own thing. No discussion n talk about it later. He gets what he wants and then everything is supposed to go back to normal. I ask him to watch the seminar and maybe even tonight he'd sit through it even cuddle and make nice. Like everything is just fine.
He is in class today in town. He has been going for 3 weeks so he can be certified to work with me caring for the ladies.
It is an all woman class and he has called me every hour at break and at lunch. So he called this mornings break and chatted about the class, about politics and whatever.
I am done I need help getting emotionally ready for that. I have old cats that will need to be put down at the vets, a dog that will need to be rehomed, 10 horses and 4 cows that will need to be sold. A farm to sell. I am 63 I can afford to stay here and make all the payments, I don't have half the value to give to him at the divorce. I need to find a house that meets the state guidelines for my ladies or I'm out of a job. I am close to my own SS retirement but I can't go yet. Retirement for me may come by the time I'm 66 but not yet. His retirement does'nt kick in for 5 yrs and he will work to see that it is later than that.
That's ok I just have to get my emotions under control and make a plan. Getting my emotions under control is my focus now.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,457
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,457
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by Lin63
WS stalled, refused to give me his plan, stalled some more. Then got up to leave without committing to anything. I said no you tell me what you want to do. He said I need to reboot! I want to go to my room listen to my radios and reboot. That was the end of conversation.
I took this as his protesting. Perhaps I over-interpreted it, but I saw it as that when I read it.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 137
L
Lin63 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 137
I see someone who protests having some ability to communicate their desires He does not It is a stonewall. No anything further. I was lucky to get the outburst that he going to reboot. Usually its just a guessing game for me with him walking away and me waiting until he's ready to re-engage.. So with that said I guess we made progress.
I wrote my coach.


Married 1980
PA 1980 lied confessed 2016
DD 2nd PA Jan 17,2016 3yr PA OW 22yrs old single
2nd DD PA May 16, 2016
WS 25 yrs addiction to porn
Me 63
WS 60
DS 44
DD 39
DD 36
DD 34
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted by Lin63
And just write what? I talked on the phone with her last week. I haven't a clue what is going on in his mind. He got what he wanted he got to do whatever it was he wanted to do over the weekend. Maybe it was nothing maybe it was porn, It wasn't on his computer he must know I've put spy ware on. It wasn't his phone he left it down stairs. He wasn't listening to his radios. He wasn't on his lap top. He wasn't watching TV.He just had his ipad, no spyware on it. I've never gotten it away from him long enough to do anything with it. He came to bed and wanted to cuddle. He wanted to kiss me good by this morning. talk about the kids and grand kids.

He needed a "reboot" and disappeared with his iPad that you can't get away from him long enough to install spyware?

That's not good.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Page 3 of 3 1 2 3

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 24 guests, and 56 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
MikaylaVaux, I.P., Alex82, Dezzeiemm, love spells
71,725 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,545
Posts2,322,787
Members71,726
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5