Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#2890535 11/27/16 06:09 PM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 5
J
Juliab Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 5
Good afternoon. I have been reading this forum for quite some time now and have decided to post as I am beginning to lose hope.

I have the same affair story as alot of others on here. I let someone else meet the needs that didn't get met at home........fell in love, bailed on my family blah blah blah. So
shameful.
My affair has been over for a year, and we have been working on recovery for a good 8 months but it seems like every time I feel we are making progress one of us gets triggered again. I don't feel like we are making any progress.

My husband has no feelings left for me, and I understand why but reading here makes me think there may be hope for us.

We have a comfortable life together but there is absolutely no sense of intimacy. We both feel like we are just putting in time but for what, until when? Is this going to be our life now?

We have been reading the books together; His needs Her needs and Love Busters, and doing all the suggested activities, but none of our feelings have changed at all.
Where do we go from here?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Hi Julie, welcome to Marriage Builders. The most important steps for recovery are a) affair proofing the marriage and b) creating a romantic, integrated marriage. It doesn't sound like either of those things are happening. We can help you turn this around.

I would put aside His Needs, Her Needs and go to Survivng an Affair.

I have some questions.

1. are you married? how long?

2. any kids?

3. when was the last time you saw or spoke to the OM? Who is this OM and where did you meet him? his marital status?

4. what is triggering you both?

How much of this checklist has been done?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Juliab
We have a comfortable life together but there is absolutely no sense of intimacy. We both feel like we are just putting in time but for what, until when? Is this going to be our life now?

What EXACTLY are you doing to restore intimacy?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 5
J
Juliab Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 5

We have been married 25 years, 2 daughters 16 and 19. Om is divorced and has since moved to another city so I have no contact at all.
Exposure was done in the spring after I confessed to my husband.(affair was already over) my family, husbands family, friends, church and children were told.

Husband has complete access to phone and computer and every moment of my time is accounted for. I gave up 2 previous friends that supported me in the affair and have a female accountability partner.

We have at least one date night a week as well as every evening together. We are never apart overnight.

As far triggers, so many. Anything to do with law enforcement; cars, sirens, coffee shops, driving, it is everywhere! No matter where I were to go, there will always be reminders.

My husband is still really struggling with what I did and at the moment has no interest in meeting any of my needs, I am doing my best to meet his but he isn't very receptive.

I understand that it will take time but I am running out of steam. I also know that its totally wrong, but I still miss the om even after all this time.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Who was told on the OM's side?

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Read this and listen to the clips in here.
What is Just Compensation?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 5
J
Juliab Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 5
Exposure was to his parents and his children. Key people at my job were told also. After that we couldn't think of anyone else to tell.

And yes, I have the book. My husband started reading it but he said it made him sick because it showed how easy it was for people to cheat. I am reading it.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Read this and listen to the clips in here.
What is Just Compensation?
Did you get a chance to listen to these radio clips?

Will your husband come here and post?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 167
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 167
Originally Posted by Juliab
Exposure was to his parents and his children. Key people at my job were told also. After that we couldn't think of anyone else to tell.

And yes, I have the book. My husband started reading it but he said it made him sick because it showed how easy it was for people to cheat. I am reading it.
Hi Julie, who do you mean, by "we"? You and your H or you and OM?

You and your H will need to spemd 15 hours+/week together w/o anyone else except the two of you, to cultivate a romantic relationship and feel love for eachother.

The pain of your missing OM will go away.

You must be adamant about omitting all contact or possibility therof, if getting your marriage back is what you and your H really want.

Last edited by TheLongRun; 11/28/16 02:15 AM.

Married 31 years, 5 kids, 4 GK



Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 5
J
Juliab Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 5
I am not sure how to quote more than one post so
Brainhurts,
in the process of listening and reading. I love the example of the purse being ruined, makes sense to me.

Thelongrun,
By "we" I mean my husband and myself. I understand that I can have NO contact of any kind with the om, but am still really struggling when I see reminders. I "change the subject" in my mind but there is always that initial pang and temptation to dwell on the thought.

We are spending the 15 hours or more together but are not always productive. We run out of things to talk about and so often just sit together without talking.

I realize this is going to take time (like the rest of our lives)
to repair the damage I have done, I want it now!!! So stupid banghead


Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
I see reminders.
Reminders such as ...?

Is your husband abusive/angry?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 5
J
Juliab Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
I see reminders.
Reminders such as ...?



Is your husband abusive/angry?

Reminders such as police cars, men in uniform, restaurant chains, music etc. etc. No matter where I go, there will be reminders. I am praying that they will fade as we heal.


Abusive- No, although I used to think he was, at least verbally. He was very angry but now he is just hurt.

I asked if he would come on the forum but he said no. He hasn't decided what he wants to do yet.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
So he has angry outbursts?

Quote
I asked if he would come on the forum but he said no. He hasn't decided what he wants to do yet.
You should invite him to join you in this program. If he will join you, you both will recover, and your marriage will be better than it was before your affair.

But, if he refuses, you should separate. There isn't much you can do if he will not join you.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 375
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 375
Originally Posted by Juliab
Reminders such as police cars, men in uniform, restaurant chains, music etc. etc. No matter where I go, there will be reminders. I am praying that they will fade as we heal.


Do you think it is impossible to relocate to rural, more isolated area where triggers are not running around as in towns? I do not live in USA but I have heard that it is big;-)


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5