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Originally Posted by Armagan
______My Question___________
Since I am in Plan A, When and how can I convince her to apply Dr. Harley's policies, without being demanding? Is it too early? Please guide me for the steps.
____________________________
Notes: We'll be on the court on 23Dec2016 for divorce.
If you want any specific details please let me know.
I think it would be a mistake to try to convince her to apply Dr Harley's policies. At this stage, she does not want her marriage, so how can you convince her to work on something designed to improve her marriage? All you will do is annoy her.

There is no magic bullet that is going to convince her to call off the divorce. Once you have taken the most important Plan A steps, which are to expose the affair, confront OM, and express your willingness to create a fulfilling marriage once she ends her affair, the only other thing you can do is continue the ENs-meeting side of Plan A, and wait for the affair to die. When it dies, and as time passes, she will look at her options, and if you have shown yourself to be the man she can rely on, who has not let her down, she may well consider returning to you.

Getting a job is a major Plan A step. Well done. You need to continue to show yourself to be financially reliable, and a good provider for your son, and eventually, for her.

Your wife might not change her mind in time to stop the divorce, but the divorce does not have to be the end of your future together. Some people, including some posters on this board, remarry after divorce.

So, the advice is to continue to seek ways of meeting often with her, and to turn these into enjoyable dates. You should not show a melancholy face on the dates, or talk about how miserable you are. You should tell her, from time to time, that you miss her and that seeing her makes you happy. Above all, let her witness, on the dates, that seeing her makes you happy. Send her notes and flowers, too, but don't bombard her.

Your wife is divorcing the man you once were, that she thinks you still are. It will take some time to show her that you are not that man any more.


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We have met today and spent a nice, intimate evening as usual. She said she want to go out with her girl friends on Saturday night. I said OK. But I don't feel OK about it. But I have just woke up from a nightmare a few minutes ago. In my dream she was flirting with a man.
I almost sure nothing will happen on Saturday but I am afraid paranoid thoughts will torture me all night.

What do you suggest? I feel that I have to tell her about my feelings? But how?

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Married women do not go out on Saturday nights alone without their husband. Same for husbands.

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Originally Posted by Armagan
We have met today and spent a nice, intimate evening as usual. She said she want to go out with her girl friends on Saturday night. I said OK. But I don't feel OK about it. But I have just woke up from a nightmare a few minutes ago. In my dream she was flirting with a man.
I almost sure nothing will happen on Saturday but I am afraid paranoid thoughts will torture me all night.

What do you suggest? I feel that I have to tell her about my feelings? But how?
You cannot hope that, now that she is separated from you and has filed for divorce, she will consider herself a married woman, and act like one. There is no point trying to impose that agenda on her.

Is she going ahead with the divorce?


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Tell her about your dream.


Married 31 years, 5 kids, 4 GK



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Hi,
Short summary:
Me:44 WW:39 Our Son:15
OM:40 married with one child
PA:ended on October
Exposure: completed
WW had no contact with OM since October.
She always says that exposure made our re-union almost impossible, because, after exposure she had told her parents about my physical abuse which was 7 years ago.
We had agreed to divorce and recover our relationship. We are following MB basic rules.
We divorced last Friday. We are doing good. We date and stay eachothers houses almost everyday. OM and OMs wife doing good.

But...
Yesterday I recovered (thanks to webwatcher) OM tried to contact my (ex)wife via her best friend. As far as I could see WW didn't respond. But she didn't tell me that OM tried to contact her neither. We had agreed that she would tell me if OM would try to contact her. But she didn't. And she seemed a lot distant that night. And it hurt me a lot. I can't ask her why she didn't tell me... I am trying to act as if I didn't know OM's effort but it's effecting my intimacy towards her.

Any suggestions?

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Have you told OM's BW of his contact to your WXW?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Yes. And yesterday I told Ww that I am aware of his effort.... without anger and disrespect.That was Dr. Harleys advice I thanked her for not responding. Ww didn't called him but send the message that she won't talk to him as long as he is married... Which is huge question mark. I told her that I Am very upset for her sounding like she is leaving a back door open. She wanted to learn how I have learned his effort... And I told her that I can see her whatsapp messages. Thdn she is pissed off. And we have separated again. She said she doesn't want me anymore and she want to be free.

I am in hesitation to go on for plan a.

Should I go for plan B or let it go. I still want her back. but her not being honest destroys me.

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Originally Posted by Armagan
Yes. And yesterday I told Ww that I am aware of his effort.... without anger and disrespect.That was Dr. Harleys advice I thanked her for not responding. Ww didn't called him but send the message that she won't talk to him as long as he is married... Which is huge question mark. I told her that I Am very upset for her sounding like she is leaving a back door open. She wanted to learn how I have learned his effort... And I told her that I can see her whatsapp messages. Thdn she is pissed off. And we have separated again. She said she doesn't want me anymore and she want to be free.

I am in hesitation to go on for plan a.

Should I go for plan B or let it go. I still want her back. but her not being honest destroys me.

I quickly looked at the last few pages of your thread and think what others have been telling you, you haven't been able to accept and maybe there is a misapplication of Plan A happening here (you asked about introducing MB principles to your W now that you two are dating).

Your W is very wayward. That is evidenced by the fact that she went forward with the divorce, blaming your exposure. Only a wayward would say that. She may have also been hoping by getting a divorce that she would be encouraging the OM to get a divorce.

Moving forward in your Plan A, I think you need to expect this type of behavior from your W, I'm sorry to say. It will probably be a roller coaster ride with a lot of dips and you're going to have to dig deep in order to hang on for the ride. If the best that you can do is avoid lovebusters, then do that until you collect yourself.

Sorry you're going through this.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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Originally Posted by Armagan
We had agreed to divorce and recover our relationship. We are following MB basic rules.
We divorced last Friday.
This makes absolutely no sense.

You can't have simultaneously agreed to a divorce AND to recover your relationship. It isn't possible to do the two contrasting things at the same time.

Either of you can file to a divorce. Later, when things are going well between you, you can agree to try and recover the marriage.

OR:

Either of you can file for divorce while resolving that, if the erring spouse makes a significant change in their behaviour, the divorce can be halted.

You can't agree to divorce AND recover the marriage at the same time, in the same time frame. These two are the opposite of each other. You can't genuinely want to do both. In fact, you did not agree to divorce. It was your wife that insisted on this, and nothing you said stopped her.

You heard that this was the agreement, because you wanted, with all your might, for your (ex) wife to change her mind. She was the one who filed, and she made some sort of statement that perhaps you could still see each other. This is unusual, but from her point of view, having you as a boyfriend while she waited for OM might have been preferable to being all alone. She might have thought that, if OM never came back to her, it would be a good thing to have you as a back-up.

However, as I said to you weeks ago, once she filed (and even more so once the divorce went through), you could not expect her to see herself as a married woman, and to behave accordingly. You should have seen her unwavering intention to file for what it was: in her mind, an end to her responsibilities to you. You should have had no expectation of honesty or faithfulness from her. If you wanted to go on seeing and having sex with her on that basis, at least you should have done so having recognised the brutal reality that she is still committed to winning back OM.

You should inform OMW that OM tried to contact your ex. Beyond that, with regard to your ex, you can either accept that she wants OM back, and try to Plan A her on that basis, or you can step out of the way.

If you go down the Plan A route, you should know that you have no right any more to spy on her communications. You can still do it (I would), but realise that you have no right in law to do this, as you are no longer married. If you find evidence of contact you should definitely tell OMW, but you have no real grounds for demanding anything of your ex.


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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you told OM's BW of his contact to your WXW?
I see you told OM's BW that he contacted your WXW. What did OMBW say? Are they still working on their marriage?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you told OM's BW of his contact to your WXW?
I see you told OM's BW that he contacted your WXW. What did OMBW say? Are they still working on their marriage?
Yes I have told her and she said thats impossible. Their marriage is going well. I didn't insisted.

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Originally Posted by Armagan
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you told OM's BW of his contact to your WXW?
I see you told OM's BW that he contacted your WXW. What did OMBW say? Are they still working on their marriage?
Yes I have told her and she said thats impossible. Their marriage is going well. I didn't insisted.
Did you send her the evidence of the contact?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Update: Thank you all for your support. After two years we are generally doing great. Except for sometimes I give extreme response when she is late an hour or so when she is out for shopping or being with her girlfriends. I am trying to cope with that.

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Good for you. It is great to hear you are doing well.

Are you married again?
Do you still have extraordinary precautions in place? Then you shouldn�t have to worry.
Are you her favorite companion to do fun things and spending 15h a week on that?

You want her to be head over heels tingly feeling in love with you. And vice versa of course.

Last edited by happyheart; 12/17/18 03:02 AM.

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