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We have been married 13 yrs.. 5/31/16 I received my 2nd DUI while driving with the girl I was having an affair with.. 4 years ago we were trying counseling but I wasn't interested in trying.. i put myself in treatment and am a completely different person.. we have 2 sons 9 & 7.. We both work full time and have neglected each other over time.. How can I convince her that we can get through this with some hard work. And come out better then ever???

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Originally Posted By: Jer533
We have been married 13 yrs.. 5/31/16 I received my 2nd DUI while driving with the girl I was having an affair with.. 4 years ago we were trying counseling but I wasn't interested in trying.. i put myself in treatment and am a completely different person.. we have 2 sons 9 & 7.. We both work full time and have neglected each other over time.. How can I convince her that we can get through this with some hard work. And come out better then ever???

Welcome to MB.

Did your wife find out about the affair as a result of the DUI?

Has the affair ended? If so, how? Where does OW live? Does she work with you? Is it possible for you to see her again? When was the last time you had any sort of communication with her?

What treatment are you referring to - is this AA? Are you still in treatment? For how long have you been dry?

What does your wife say about your marriage since these events played out? Does she want to leave you?

What hard work have you been putting in to rebuild the marriage?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Jer533 Offline OP
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Yes she found out as a result of the DUI.. yes the affair stopped immediately!! How? I just stopped! It was purely a sexual thing for me... I suppose it would be possible to see her but I don't work with her.. I met her at an outpatient meeting I no longer go too.. yes Treatment for alcohol.. been sober for 6 months.. since my DUI. And that is the last time I talked to that girl.. since this has played out, yes she says She is done.. but when topics get brought up such as selling our house she starts balling.... I take it as maybe if it effects her this bad it's not the right choice.. as far as hard work I've been done by.. I've been doing what I say I'm going to do.. trying not to fight or argue with her... I'm not living there but come in contact when I do stuff with our 2 sons. She's been good about me bring at the house together... I feel if she would do some research on this she could see that it doesn't Have to be over.... I feel divorcing is the easy way out...

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Originally Posted By: Jer533
Yes she found out as a result of the DUI.. yes the affair stopped immediately!! How? I just stopped! It was purely a sexual thing for me... I suppose it would be possible to see her but I don't work with her.. I met her at an outpatient meeting I no longer go too.. yes Treatment for alcohol.. been sober for 6 months.. since my DUI. And that is the last time I talked to that girl.. since this has played out, yes she says She is done.. but when topics get brought up such as selling our house she starts balling.... I take it as maybe if it effects her this bad it's not the right choice.. as far as hard work I've been done by.. I've been doing what I say I'm going to do.. trying not to fight or argue with her... I'm not living there but come in contact when I do stuff with our 2 sons. She's been good about me bring at the house together... I feel if she would do some research on this she could see that it doesn't Have to be over.... I feel divorcting is the easy way out...

Was the OW married? Who all knows about your affair?

How old are your children?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Please tell us what has been done from this list.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Will your wife come here to post to us?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: Jer533
I feel if she would do some research on this she could see that it doesn't Have to be over.... I feel divorcing is the easy way out...


Hi Jer, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would strongly suggest you not say things like "divorce is the easy way out." Isn't it so easy to say things like that when it is not your ox getting gored? Living with an adulterer and an alcoholic is not easy. But you wouldn't know that, would you? You really aren't in a position to lecture anyone after the unmitigated hell you have put her through. She has every right to divorce you if she chooses, and you should respect that. Living with an alcoholic is no prize.

And why would she need to sell the house? I can understand why she would cry about that. No woman wants to lose her home. But in most divorces, that is not necessary. Is there a reason why she believes she has to sell her home?

Quote:
How? I just stopped! It was purely a sexual thing for me...


dontknow this is somehow supposed to make her feel better about your adultery?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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There are few things more unconvincing than an addict who brags out how they can overcome their addictions by pure force of will. So, if you want to convince your betrayed wife that there is any chance of recovery, don't act like that.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Jer533 Offline OP
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No she was not married.. Most everyone knows.. kids are 9 & 7.. both boys

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If you were to list it numerical.. these have been done..
1,2,4,5,was doing 6 by she told me she didn't want me to.., 7 she takes care of finances so she sees everything, 8&10 are hard because she has no interest in being around me and I'm not living at the house currently 11 I asked her if she want d to put my phone whereabouts on her phone so she could see where I am at all times.. again she has no interest in that.. all that should know do know if this

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Jer533 Offline OP
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Sorry for saying that.. your right.. I guess I meant it was instead of going through the whole process of divorce..

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Jer533 Offline OP
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We would sell the house because neither of us could afford it solo.. I understand I have no right to lecture.. I did not mean for it to come off that way.. I am willing to go to any lengths to make this work.. and yes I know she has every right to leave me.. my biggest fear is that I am becoming a husband she could learn to love again and we may not get the chance

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Jer533 Offline OP
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I am not overcoming my addictions by force.. I am working on it daily..

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Originally Posted By: Jer533
my biggest fear is that I am becoming a husband she could learn to love again and we may not get the chance


Her main concern has to be her best interest, though. She will have to decide what is best for her.

Are you married?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Jer533 Offline OP
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Yes we are married. 13 years w/2 boys 9 & 7

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I do not have that book.. I did read his needs her needs.. WOW what a great read!! Would have been better if I read that 3 years ago when our counselor suggested it.. I do not think she would join this forum.. I can ask I guess..

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Read this and listen to the clips in here and tell us what you think.
What is Just Compensation?

Did you ever write a NC letter?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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You have nerve calling divorce an easy way out. She has been badly hurt at least twice through your alcoholism and adultery - divorce is a protection from further pain. Heres the thing - you'll have to reform yourself whether or not she chooses to reconcile. Otherwise, it's just more of the same addict lip service. I don't see any care here for how badly you've destroyed your own family.

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You should read Surviving An Affair. It has the most relevant information for your situation.

How have you established no contact with the affair partner? Were did you meet her? Have you cchanged your phone number, email, work number and address?

How did your wife actually find out- from you or in court? What other problems did your crime cause, financially or socially?

I feel like you are withholding details. I also agree that it is cruel for you to say your wife is taking the easy way.

You took the easy path and broke your marriage vows; she has EVERY RIGHT TO DIVORCE YOU.

Last edited by apples123; 12/09/16 01:42 PM.
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Jer533 (or whatever the hell you're fricken name is).

alis, I agree - someone like Jer533 is probably blaming his W for His problem , hence his easy out divorce.

And Jer:

> you are probably still a drunk, unless you can certify you are in AA, - white knuckling it is not effective
> a second DUI usually means jail time and loss of driving privileges and how you are addressing that with your W, and the reality she is gong to have to drive you around to work and elsehewre
> was the girl you were with when arrested for DUI underage? And, is so, are you facing additional charges? You don't mention if she is adult/married.

Lots to 'splaine guy to get the trust of people here.

Tom

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