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Originally Posted by 13yearsdowm
Haha, I meant by MY reading other threads, I can tell that you think people are wrong who have a hard time with this concept. Sorry, I've been typing on my phone which always makes me lazy about how to say things so it's less clear. smile

I used to have a hard time with the concept, too.
It's not about what's right and what's wrong. It's about what works, and what doesn't work. If you don't get the UA hours in, the program will not work.


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Originally Posted by Prisca
FWIW, it's more important for a child's security, happiness and wellbeing that their parents are happily married than it is for them to spend individual one-on-one time with each parent. We used to do the one-on-one dates with each child, too. They are much happier today now that markos and I are in love than they were then.

The best gift you can give your children is to have a romantic marriage with your husband.

I just don't know if I can get there. I did a parenting course that said that every person (adult or child) is hardwired with an innate need for a feeling of belonging and significance. It emphasized that each child would need 20 minutes of UA (one on one) per day, every single day. It said that nothing would pay larger dividends in your child's life (although to be clear, I think it meant nothing in your PARENTING would have a greater impact, I don't think it was comparing it to your relationship with your spouse). I haven't been able to do that yet, but it is my goal to!!

I'm actually uncomfortable with an either-or proposition. While I agree that a good marriage is central to my children's happiness and well-being, I don't feel like I am one of these people obsessed with my kids and their activities, eager to put my husband on the back burner. Just as I would be uncomfortable with a parenting philosophy that said to sacrifice my marriage for my kids, I don't think I should sacrifice my children for my marriage. I don't feel like I should have to choose. I should be able to have a great marriage and ALSO give my children what they need, including individual attention.


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Originally Posted by 13yearsdowm
Originally Posted by unwritten
We don't know right or wrong based on 'reading other threads.' Most of the people who post here have LIVED IT. Many of us, like you, thought it was impossible to have that much UA time, and we cut corners. And we paid for it, because our marriages did not get better.

We know from experience the difference between dedicating to the UA time or not. I personally feel more in love with my H in a matter of days when we are getting adequate UA, and vice versa, it is that impactful to the lovebank.

I have 3 kids. I don't read to the every night, and we often go on dates in the evenings. They are smart, well adjusted kids. They are all in advanced classes and have friends. So, we advise you because we know it CAN be done. You need to start looking for the solution instead of the problems.

Haha, I meant by MY reading other threads, I can tell that you think people are wrong who have a hard time with this concept. Sorry, I've been typing on my phone which always makes me lazy about how to say things so it's less clear. smile

Gotcha! But I do think it is very hard when you come here to step out of the box of what you think you know. Most of us have had to do this. We come here because our marriages are in the ditch, and we need help. But when presented with the formula to make it better, we cherry pick it because it just won't work in our situation. I do not want you to make the same mistake! You will learn the hard way that cherry picking will not work. UA time is such a key component of this program, Dr Harley will not work with people who are unwilling to do UA time. It is because he knows that nothing will work if they skip this step.

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I haven't sacrificed my children for my marriage. They have benefited greatly from me scheduling my UA time with my husband first, then scheduling the 15 hours with them. There has been no sacrifice. I have an absolutely wonderful bond with each one of them, even though we do not get 20 minutes alone together each day.

Scheduling your marriage first does not mean you are sacrificing your children for your marriage.


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BTW, Dr. Harley recommends you spend 15 hours a week for Family Commitment time. With 4 kids, that's far more than 20 minutes each child every day (it's closer to 30 minutes a child a day). Again, the time is there. You just have to schedule it.


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Originally Posted by 13yearsdowm
3. I feel like mixed faith (in this case faith/no faith) marriages don't get covered much by MB. My faith informs everything I do, how I want to raise my kids, and who I want to be. I just am having trouble wrapping my head around how to make this work.

Marriage Builders covers this situation frequently. We had a poster here Doormat_No_More who had become an atheist and he and his religious wife built a great marriage.

There are obstacles but they have to be handled with the Policy of Joint Agreement.


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Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
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Originally Posted by 13yearsdowm
It emphasized that each child would need 20 minutes of UA (one on one) per day, every single day.

I think it would be helpful not to mix your metaphors. UA is Dr. Harley's term for 15-30 hours per week spent meeting your spouse's intimate emotional needs: recreational companionship, affection, intimate conversation, and sexual fulfillment.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by 13yearsdowm
It emphasized that each child would need 20 minutes of UA (one on one) per day, every single day.

I think it would be helpful not to mix your metaphors. UA is Dr. Harley's term for 15-30 hours per week spent meeting your spouse's intimate emotional needs: recreational companionship, affection, intimate conversation, and sexual fulfillment.
wink
HAHAHA! I just meant undivided attention, but i see your point.


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Originally Posted by Prisca
BTW, Dr. Harley recommends you spend 15 hours a week for Family Commitment time. With 4 kids, that's far more than 20 minutes each child every day (it's closer to 30 minutes a child a day). Again, the time is there. You just have to schedule it.

Well, the math simply does not compute, Prisca. You saying it does doesn't make it so.

The 50 hours per week has to cover soooo much, and he recommends 15 hours for spouses ALREADY in love, not ones who need to fall in love. So 25 hours for marriage ALONE, 15 for family commitment, that leaves 10 hours for every other thing in life! EVERYTHING. Meals, cleaning, bills, errands, bedtime (bathing kids, brushing teeth, bedtime stories), church, kid activities. HECK, there isn't even time for POOPING.


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It does compute. I live it, with twice the number of kids you have.

You don't have to try. But, the program will not work otherwise.


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Originally Posted by 13yearsdown
Originally Posted by Prisca
BTW, Dr. Harley recommends you spend 15 hours a week for Family Commitment time. With 4 kids, that's far more than 20 minutes each child every day (it's closer to 30 minutes a child a day). Again, the time is there. You just have to schedule it.

Well, the math simply does not compute, Prisca. You saying it does doesn't make it so.

The 50 hours per week has to cover soooo much, and he recommends 15 hours for spouses ALREADY in love, not ones who need to fall in love. So 25 hours for marriage ALONE, 15 for family commitment, that leaves 10 hours for every other thing in life! EVERYTHING. Meals, cleaning, bills, errands, bedtime (bathing kids, brushing teeth, bedtime stories), church, kid activities. HECK, there isn't even time for POOPING.

Why not devote more time to the kids after the marriage is restored and you can go down to 15 hours per week for the policy of undivided attention?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
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Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
You have 168 hours every week (24x7) to schedule for something. I highly recommend 8 hours of sleep a night, so that leaves 112 waking hours. Getting ready for the day, and going to bed at night may require, say, 12 hours, and work plus commute may take another 50 hours. That leaves 50 more hours to spend doing what you value most, and 15 of those hours should be dedicated to maintaining a passionate and fulfilling marriage.

If you have not been in the habit of spending 15 hours a week for undivided attention, it will mean that something less important will have to go. But it will radically change your life for the better, because you will be investing in one of the single most important parts of your life -- your relationship with your spouse.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_attn.html


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
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I know I need to get on board, but right now I feel like the advice you guys are giving me, or rather this program is giving, is to grow a third arm or go buy a unicorn. Even when you explain it, it seems like you're asking me to defy the laws of physics and have more time in my day than exists.



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Okay. Then don't do it. No one is forcing you.

But if you want to follow the program, this is the first step. It's your choice.


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Originally Posted by 13yearsdown
The 50 hours per week has to cover soooo much, and he recommends 15 hours for spouses ALREADY in love, not ones who need to fall in love. So 25 hours for marriage ALONE, 15 for family commitment, that leaves 10 hours for every other thing in life! EVERYTHING. Meals, cleaning, bills, errands, bedtime (bathing kids, brushing teeth, bedtime stories), church, kid activities. HECK, there isn't even time for POOPING.

I think you're misunderstanding:
meals - Dr. Harley encourages you to have family meals as part of your family commitment time
cleaning, bills, errands - that doesn't come out of your remaining 50 hours, that comes out of the time allocated to work. Are you employed, or a fulltime homemaker?
bedtime - this is either family commitment time or the time allocated to your work or the 12 hours Dr. Harley mentioned when he said "Getting ready for the day, and going to bed at night may require, say, 12 hours"
church, kid activities - do these in a way that they meet your emotional need for family commitment so they can be part of that scheduled 15 hours
POOPING - I'm sure that comes out of the 12 hours if you're looking for where it goes in the schedule


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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For now, would you mind addressing a couple specific issues?

My husband likes to watch TV and many of the shows he watches have sex scenes (with or without nudity) and a lot of strong language.

I really hate it. He thinks I'm being a prude and being controlling. He would say that me getting on to him for watching it is a LB or a DJ. I feel like him watching it is IB.

I mainly don't like it because I don't want it in my home. I teach my children not to watch that kind of thing, and it makes me extremely uncomfortable having their dad do it when I teach them not to. I also don't like him watching sex scenes. He has struggled with porn in the past and I just don think it does any good for him to be dipping his toe in, so to speak, not to mention some of the scenes include women's breasts, perfect bodies, etc. which bothers me, too.

He says, "which one is it, sex is good, or sex is dirty and bad??" He also feels like not watching stuff with bad language and sex means he basically would never watch TV (which wouldn't be the worst thing in my view)


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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by 13yearsdown
The 50 hours per week has to cover soooo much, and he recommends 15 hours for spouses ALREADY in love, not ones who need to fall in love. So 25 hours for marriage ALONE, 15 for family commitment, that leaves 10 hours for every other thing in life! EVERYTHING. Meals, cleaning, bills, errands, bedtime (bathing kids, brushing teeth, bedtime stories), church, kid activities. HECK, there isn't even time for POOPING.

I think you're misunderstanding:
meals - Dr. Harley encourages you to have family meals as part of your family commitment time
cleaning, bills, errands - that doesn't come out of your remaining 50 hours, that comes out of the time allocated to work. Are you employed, or a fulltime homemaker?
bedtime - this is either family commitment time or the time allocated to your work or the 12 hours Dr. Harley mentioned when he said "Getting ready for the day, and going to bed at night may require, say, 12 hours"
church, kid activities - do these in a way that they meet your emotional need for family commitment so they can be part of that scheduled 15 hours
POOPING - I'm sure that comes out of the 12 hours if you're looking for where it goes in the schedule

I see your point with much of this. I do think it's a little hypocritical to say that every other thing, especially our children, can be multitasked away, but NONE of the 25 hours can.

Cleaning can't entirely come out of "work." I am a full time homemaker, but there are always errands that need to be done either on the weekend or evenings (for instance, taking the kids to select and get fitted for their eye glasses, or really anything involving the older children who are in school until 4). Cleaning is ongoing, especially after every meal, not to mention that I am not of the mindset that it's 100% my job simply because I SAH. My husband is home every evening and every weekend, creating messes, laundry, dishes, etc. He can and should contribute, although I absolutely do the vast majority of our housework.

As for pooping, clearly you're not the stereotypical male that spends 30 min a day on the crapper. My husband is. I wish I were joking.


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I don't understand where you are seeing "multitasking away" the children. Family commitment time is where your husband needs to spend 15 hours a week meeting your emotional need for family commitment. Clearly you have a very high emotional need for family commitment, so this should be a big priority.


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Originally Posted by 13yearsdown
For now, would you mind addressing a couple specific issues?

My husband likes to watch TV and many of the shows he watches have sex scenes (with or without nudity) and a lot of strong language.

I really hate it. He thinks I'm being a prude and being controlling. He would say that me getting on to him for watching it is a LB or a DJ. I feel like him watching it is IB.

I mainly don't like it because I don't want it in my home. I teach my children not to watch that kind of thing, and it makes me extremely uncomfortable having their dad do it when I teach them not to. I also don't like him watching sex scenes. He has struggled with porn in the past and I just don think it does any good for him to be dipping his toe in, so to speak, not to mention some of the scenes include women's breasts, perfect bodies, etc. which bothers me, too.

He says, "which one is it, sex is good, or sex is dirty and bad??" He also feels like not watching stuff with bad language and sex means he basically would never watch TV (which wouldn't be the worst thing in my view)

13years, You H doesn't get the program and is twisting Dr Harley's principles (twisting meaning misunderstanding them) to get his own selfish ways. In a caring marriage a partner would want to eliminate anything that caused their partner to lose their love for them. Watching porn (which is what he's watching), vulgar TV shows is a very dramatic annoying habit that your H needs to eliminate. We would categorize his behavior as a selfish demand. "I don't care if this bothers you, I like it and you should just get over it.". That is not MB. That is the opposite of MB.


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I do think it's a little hypocritical to say that every other thing, especially our children, can be multitasked away, but NONE of the 25 hours can.
It comes down to what works, and what doesn't.
Dr. Harley has found that it takes 25 hours a week to fall in love, and 15 hours a week to maintain that romantic love.

I do not "multitask" my children away. I have a better relationship with them now than I had back when my marriage was bad. How rude.

I think you need to decide what you want to do. If you want to follow this program, we can guide you through it. But my time is precious to me -- I don't have a lot of time to stand around while someone I'm trying to help calls me hypocritical. I love to try to help people have a better marriage, but if you're just going to resort to name-calling, then I think I'm wasting my time.


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