I am in separation mode with a divorce that is heading for trial instead of settlement. I showed the attorneys the exposure letters and draft of the affair story and she advises me not to expose the affair because it will get me in trouble in court and court will interpret me as a scumbag and I will lose my case. It means losing kids, custody and probably unfavorable split on our 4 story multi-family house.

It will be taken on court as 3rd Party Contact leading to a restraining order against me and therefore affecting my child custody rights and will lose kids.

The senior lawyer informed the junior lawyer that I should not do it.

I tried to explain to the junior lawyer why I needed to expose - all reasons why exposure should be done. She also said why would you want to be with someone who has done all these very bad things. She suggested that I could write to the senior lawyer who will not be happy but may rewrite the letters and story for me.

Things just entered the ugly phase in divorce proceedings and we will all appear in court on Tuesday. My WS/STBX has lawyers who get money through trials and not settlements. They do not care about the well being of my WS and our family or any clients. They will milk every drop of wealth. My WS/STBX is in another world and pushing for this too. She does not see what they are doing and does not see that this will leave us poor. I think she wants to control and she is in spite mode. Kids and future grandchildren will be poor. Kids are about 10 and below.

What I know for sure is that I want to expose the affair that led to the demise of our marriage before the divorce is finalized.

WS/STBX and I are not allowed to talk as per the court order. Only text and emails concerning kids.

I am torn between what my lawyer told me and exposing to try to save the marriage. Any advice?

Many lawyers advise against exposure, but that doesn't make it the correct advice. You need the support of your family and friends.

Who have you already exposed to? Does her family know? Do her friends know? Have you told your friends and children about your wife's affair? Children often blame themselves for the divorce.

Have you followed the template in the Notable Posts section? Exposure isn't meant to be vindictive or to punish; exposure is to gain much-needed support in a time of crisis and to shine the light of day on the wayward.

Sorry for the reason you are here.

I have told my sister, and 3 friends. Her friends and family do not know. I have not told my children.

Here is what I have done to the template. Below is my draft exposure letter. 2 issues - should I make it not look like 3rd party contact and if yes how can I do so? I added more than what MB�s letter says in an effort to try to educate recipients that I am not being vindictive.

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of Xxxx and I. As some of you know, Xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation/divorce, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she had an affair with a coworker named xxxx xxxx who now resides in xxxx, foreign country 1 and also still lives in City1X(near xxxxx and xxxx), foreign country 2 near 1 in the pacific region. He is also married and has a young child. His wife was living in City1X(near xxxxx and xxxx), foreign country 2 while he was lIving in city2X, foreign country 2.The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair and other relationships without interference. She betrayed me with him in 2012/2013 when I reluctantly agreed that she goes to city2X to work with him for 7 months at xxxxx and this heavily affected our marriage for 3 years because she was lying and denying everything. 3.5 years on she finally admitted to it. She was in city2X, from xxx 2012 till xxx 2013 nearly 7 months while I was alone with very young kids aged 2 and 5, and at the same time I had a full time job in countryX in Europe

While she was living cityX, foreign country 2 OM also had picked her up by car early on a Saturday morning from her apartment in xxx to his place in xxx which is an hour away. He dropped her back at her apartment the following morning (Sunday) around 7am. She refuses to end the affair with him. I want our marriage to recover from this affair and what it has caused. If you have any influence on my wife, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end. I do love my wife.

For more about the story go to this link xxxxxxxxxxxx(still to come).

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage. I love her.

I am working to make the marriage better than what it was before and put in practice things she has found objectionable in our marriage, all what she says I have done wrong. I am correcting that. I am doing my part to make that happen. I want more than a romantic relationship. A stronger marriage. I want us to be committed to each other and want us to be in love.

I do care about her in the most profound way and my motive for telling you is healing the marriage, not vengeance, not to hurt and or disrespect her. It is a terribly painful thing for me to do in my life. The focus is to support the kids and us.

While this may lead to unintended consequences of some people thinking I am humiliating myself, losing respect, or I am hurting her it is important to realize that these are not my goals. These kind of consequences are not long lasting. What is long lasting is our marriage, our kids and all our families and extended families. The bigger things and values. The actions are from values and not anger. Make no mistake on how much I love her.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards, I love her so much.

xxxx xxxxx

I would add the OM's name and contact information. Of course you should tell them about 3rd party contact, that is the whole point of exposure. I would DELETE the last few paragraphs because it is too long. People are not going to read a novel.

You need to stop being obsessed with "looking vindictive." You will be accused of being vindictive by some people no matter what. You can't avoid that.

Did you expose to the OM's wife and family? What about her employer? What about your children?

How long has the affair gone on? When did you find out? When did you separate?



Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of Xxxx and I. As some of you know, Xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation/divorce, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she had an affair with a coworker named xxxx xxxx who now resides in xxxx, foreign country 1 and also still lives in City1X(near xxxxx and xxxx), foreign country 2 near 1 in the pacific region. He is also married and has a young child. His wife was living in City1X(near xxxxx and xxxx), foreign country 2 while he was lIving in city2X, foreign country 2.The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair and other relationships without interference. She betrayed me with him in 2012/2013 when I reluctantly agreed that she goes to city2X to work with him for 7 months at xxxxx and this heavily affected our marriage for 3 years because she was lying and denying everything. 3.5 years on she finally admitted to it. She was in city2X, from xxx 2012 till xxx 2013 nearly 7 months while I was alone with very young kids aged 2 and 5, and at the same time I had a full time job in countryX in Europe

While she was living cityX, foreign country 2 OM also had picked her up by car early on a Saturday morning from her apartment in xxx to his place in xxx which is an hour away. He dropped her back at her apartment the following morning (Sunday) around 7am. She refuses to end the affair with him. I want our marriage to recover from this affair and what it has caused. If you have any influence on my wife, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end. I do love my wife.

For more about the story go to this link xxxxxxxxxxxx(still to come).

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage. I love her.

I am working to make the marriage better than what it was before and put in practice things she has found objectionable in our marriage, all what she says I have done wrong. I am correcting that. I am doing my part to make that happen. I want more than a romantic relationship. A stronger marriage. I want us to be committed to each other and want us to be in love.

I do care about her in the most profound way and my motive for telling you is healing the marriage, not vengeance, not to hurt and or disrespect her. It is a terribly painful thing for me to do in my life. The focus is to support the kids and us.

While this may lead to unintended consequences of some people thinking I am humiliating myself, losing respect, or I am hurting her it is important to realize that these are not my goals. These kind of consequences are not long lasting. What is long lasting is our marriage, our kids and all our families and extended families. The bigger things and values. The actions are from values and not anger. Make no mistake on how much I love her.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards, I love her so much.

xxxx xxxxx
[/quote]

Thank you so much. I added in Italics the sentence for OM� name and contact information and one sentence that says �A few days before I was served the papers she told me out of the blue that she wanted to find an Italian boyfriend.� Is this sentence needed? Does the letter look OK now?

OM�s wife and family do not know. My children do not know. The affair started when she left us and went to work Australia in November 2012 - to April 2013. They are still in touch. We are in NY now and she works at a different company. He is in New Zealand. The old employer in Australia does not know. None of her employers know.

I kind of suspected since she was always denying, lying and making up stories for the since she was there. I found out in around early April.

Currently I have TOR on me that says no harassment, menacing, disorderly conduct intimidation, coercion and physical stuff. It expires in mid March after 6 months. The TOR scares me because it is said to be the final. If I violate it I will get a restraining order. 3rd party contact maybe a violation. I am just wondering if I should wait to expose till mid March. On Tuesday the court may remove the TOR.

She did get this TOR this because she did not want me to see her mother who was visiting from a foreign country because I would talk to her and also wanted the mother to have more time with the kids since her parenting time is not much. My lawyer suggested that I pick the kids from school then. She refused because her mother would see the kids on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday only. The judge then said we have to exchange kids at the police precinct. We are both not happy about this. It was done to punish her.

On first court date in February she demanded to my lawyer that I should not talk to anyone except a lawyer and a therapist though it was not written on court papers. The reason being for her own PR. I did as instructed. After one week she moved kids and me into a tiny room with a tiny room(worse than a slum)in a 3 Bedroom ground floor apartment where the 2 bedrooms were occupied by 2 couples who rented month by month. Kids were on weekend visitation. The apartment had one electric stove plate.

I moved back into the neighborhood to be near the kids� school and it had been agreed in court that we will share kids into equal parenting time. Instead she proposed that I have the kids for three weekends(Friday evening to Monday morning when they return to school and every Wednesday evening till Thursday morning when they go to school, and that she has the kids one weekend in every four and Monday, Tuesday and Thursday nights. I accepted but wondered why she would not want to spend time with kids on weekends on a lovely summer.

She hardly sees the kids because of work. She comes home late and they are already sleeping or about to sleep.

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of Xxxx and I. As some of you know, Xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation/divorce, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she had an affair with a coworker named xxxx xxxx who now resides in xxxx, foreign country 1 and also still lives in City1X(near xxxxx and xxxx), foreign country 2 near 1 in the pacific region. He is also married and has a young child. His wife was living in City1X(near xxxxx and xxxx), foreign country 2 while he was lIving in city2X, foreign country 2.The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair and other relationships without interference. A few days before I was served the papers she told me out of the blue that she wanted to find an Italian boyfriend. She betrayed me with him in 2012/2013 when I reluctantly agreed that she goes to city2X to work with him for 7 months at xxxxx and this heavily affected our marriage for 3 years because she was lying and denying everything. 3.5 years on she finally admitted to it. She was in city2X, from xxx 2012 till xxx 2013 nearly 7 months while I was alone with very young kids aged 2 and 5, and at the same time I had a full time job in countryX in Europe

While she was living cityX, foreign country 2 OM also had picked her up by car early on a Saturday morning from her apartment in xxx to his place in xxx which is an hour away. He dropped her back at her apartment the following morning (Sunday) around 7am. She refuses to end the affair with him. I want our marriage to recover from this affair and what it has caused. If you have any influence on my wife, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end. I do love my wife.

For more about the story go to this link xxxxxxxxxxxx(still to come).

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage. I love her.

The man is xxxx and his contact info is +x xxxx xxxxx xx(country here).

Since you have a court order against you, it might be better that you wait. This seems way too far advanced to effectively break up the affair. When did you separate? When did she file for divorce?

Does she support you?

No. She is not supporting me. She does not support me at the moment. She will likely have to do that after Tuesday(court)because my contract ended. We get rental income from the house and she has kept it away from me. She will have to support me with that and a little of her income.

Yes. Good idea to wait. Thank you. We separated in February. She filed for divorce in February. The affair/denying/lying about her relationship and what she had with him led to the demise of the marriage. They are in touch though they are far away from each other and are keeping it simmering.

But as soon as you are done with the court issues you must expose to the OM's BW.

Thank you BrainHurts.

For OM (and WS/WW) I think it will be good if I post to all their Linkedin contacts since this was work related affair and all the coworkers they had in Europe and Foreign country 2 will know. He only had 194 friends on Facebook(FB). They both do not use FB much.

Last time he was on FB was in 2014. I think these friends especially his are outdated. They are both very active on Linkedin. Maybe I could take their contacts� names and look for them in FB and send the letters or should I just send on Linkedin? Or should I post to Linkedin contacts?

Some background. My wife kicked me out last February. She did it through court order. It was a shock divorce. She took all the money. Left me with nothing. Took my personal and bank cards. She left me with a personal credit card only. The brother came to take the kids while the court people took me out. It was a shock. I lots weight. I could not eat. She is telling all her friends and relatives lies. I want to reveal all that has happened till now so they know the truth. Any advice? Has anyone done this? I have an appointment with with a psychiatrist for children's forensics on Wednesday. He has to decided who gets child custody. Any experience, ideas or advice on this?

What does this mean?

The judge appointed a psychiatrist to have separate sessions with her, kids, and me. He will hand over his evaluation to the judge after having looked at our parenting times, domestic violence, etc. He has to tell the judge who should get custody of kids. An attorney has been appointed for the kids.

The mental health professional will interview us, any extended family members or persons affiliated with either party�s household addressing the following issues:

physical custody/parenting time
decision making
domestic violence
substance abuse
mental illness

He shall recommend which parent should ultimately have custody of the children and further make a recommendations as to the other specific issues to be addressed in the evaluation.

Was there domestic violence? Mental health? Substance abuse? In the marriage?

No. I suspect she has mental health issues but I am no way qualified to say she has.

People, I really want to expose the affair. Ha, the courts. I want to do it so badly.

I am wondering if you could share the aftermath after you exposed the affair.
...the soon after aftermath and the longterm aftermath.
What were the replies from people?
What did you say in response?
What did the OM or OW do? Any relationship?
What did your WW or WM do? What is your relationship now?
Your in-laws?
Threats?
Where are you now with relationships with all people you exposed to?
And anything please.

It would be good to hear your story. I am planning to exposing soon.
I do not know what to expect and I want to prepare for it.
Your sharing will help other people on the forum too.
Thank you.

This is a great question! My exposure is coming soon as well and I would love to hear other people's experiences.

I personally received zero replies from people I did not know. My in-laws were extremely supportive at first (until they gave up). My WW filed for divorce. My relationship with friends that I exposed to is great; we're closer now than ever before. They were a great support as I was going through the most difficult time of my life. As Dr. Harley says, exposure speeds up the inevitable. In my case, it resulted in a faster divorce. It saved me from years of heartache. I am now happily remarried, and I would have it no other way. I thank God for leading me to Marriage Builders and giving me the strength to expose against my instincts.

When I was going through it all, I did weeks of research. My own personal research showed that exposure was my best bet. Even on sites that discourage exposure, if you look at the ones who actually saved their marriages, in most of the cases, the affairs were exposed (sometimes unintentionally).

I am following your updates. Looking forward to your exposure updates. Wishing you all the best.

Thank you very much. What do you think made the people you did not know reply? Not wanting to be involved, supported her or they thought it was just none of their business? What is the situation of your WW now? Any contact? Is she still with the OW/M? Do people still talk to you about it? Did any people outcast you? What do you do if comes up in conversations? Too many unknowns for me. Thanks again.

I think you need to provide more information about the nature of the court order against you. Is it is a restraining order? Is it a temporary ex parte 30-day order with a further hearing or a 1-year/permanent order? Etc etc.

It would be extremely unwise of you to contact anyone you are forbidden by the order to contact, even if for exposure, such as possibly your in-laws. Also consider that your attorneys are probably giving you the MOST cautious advice. They are trying to CYA, it's sort of their job.

In my situation, I exposed very quickly and my inlaws were split on supportive/not supportive. It's impossible to know for sure but the impression I get is that they did not apply much or any pressure on my ex-wife to do the right thing.

I didn't get many people directly responding to my FB message I sent out, other than someone in OMs family asking me not to contact them.

I confronted OM at his workplace as well.

I did receive a lot of support from friends and family and I do not regret for one second exposing and following a solid Plan A, even 2+ years out from the events.

You cannot know how people will respond in terms of what they say to your WW, and for those that do, you never know who will get through to her (if anyone).

Exposing will at best apply pressure to the affair and at worst help those close to you understand what is almost certainly the worst event of your life up to this point. You need that support right now, so at the least, if you are legally restrained from doing a wide exposure (we need more facts on your court order to advise further there), you should be certain to tell the truth about what has happened to YOUR family and friends.

Divorces are ugly things and people's natural tendency is to distance themselves from the facts of the situation because it makes them uncomfortable. Also most people still consider adultery to be reprehensible so it makes them uncomfortable imagining someone close to them being capable of it.

But these things happen and people who haven't been betrayed have no idea how painful of an experience that is. It is critical that you expose to whatever extent you are legally able to, for your own sake if not for your wife's.

If you're like a lot of BHs you're here with a lot of regrets about your marriage, maybe because you made mistakes and/or maybe because your WW is a bully who is gaslighting you. Usually there's both involved.

But this wasn't your idea, and it wasn't your choice. This is on her. You need to expose, you will feel so much better down the road having done it, because you will have stood your ground instead of wishing you could go back and correct the record.

FWIW court orders can be fought, and defeated. Been there, done that. But it depends on the details, so please explain more about your court order.

I don't know why they didn't reply. I think they probably felt more loyalty to my ex or to her AP. Not necessarily that they supported them, but that they didn't want to offend their friend (which I was not). Mutual friends all sided with me, and she cut off contact with them, so they don't hear from her, either. I have absolutely no contact with my ex now. I don't even know where she is unless she's still with her AP. We did not have any children, so it was easy to cut off contact completely. I don't know if she is still with her AP or not, but I doubt it. Statistically they have probably broken up by now. If the affair comes up in conversations I just talk about it. It's not my shame. Two years out, it never comes up anymore, though.

I didn't know you had any legal orders that you were dealing with. Make sure you do not violate any court orders.

Thank you so much.

It is not a restraining order. It is called a 6 month Temporary Order of Protection that expires in mid March.

The Temporary Order of Protection stipulates that I refrain from assault, stalking, harassment, aggravated harassment, menacing, reckless endangerment, strangulation, criminal obstruction of breathing or circulation, disorderly conduct, criminal mischief, sexual abuse, sexual misconduct, forcible touching, intimidation, threats, identity theft, grand larceny, coercion or any criminal offense.

It does not say do not contact anyone. One of the lawyers in the office said that it is forbidden to not let anyone talk to anyone. Yes I can contact her friends her family. Last February the OW had asked my lawyer to tell me not to tell anyone. Now my lawyer says I can talk to anyone.

Unfortunately the OW applied for this order to get full child custody and therefore control.

My lawyers have warned me that 3rd party contact is not good. 3rd party contact means telling other people to tell her something / passing information through other people. This is what exposure does.
That said I really think I need to change these two sentences to some language that does not look like it is 3rd contact but that is 3rd party what I would like but I am not asking you to do so.

1. If you have any influence on my wife, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair.
2. As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage.
to
1. I am not allowed by court to ask you something like: If you have any influence on my wife, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair.
2. or as our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage.
You cannot say I asked you to say that. Of course if you do it I would appreciate it.

The junior lawyer says now I am half a step ahead of OW in court and that exposure may get the judge angrier because he is already angry with OW and the case. She thinks exposure will throw my case away. Maybe I have 3 options 1. expose before expiry of order, 2. after expiration 3. after divorce settlement or 4. after signing the final papers. I prefer 2 because it is before divorce ends.

I don't know why they didn't reply. I think they probably felt more loyalty to my ex or to her AP. Not necessarily that they supported them, but that they didn't want to offend their friend (which I was not). Mutual friends all sided with me, and she cut off contact with them, so they don't hear from her, either. I have absolutely no contact with my ex now. I don't even know where she is unless she's still with her AP. We did not have any children, so it was easy to cut off contact completely. I don't know if she is still with her AP or not, but I doubt it. Statistically they have probably broken up by now. If the affair comes up in conversations I just talk about it. It's not my shame. Two years out, it never comes up anymore, though.

I didn't know you had any legal orders that you were dealing with. Make sure you do not violate any court orders. [/quote] Thank you for sharing. What an experience. You sound like you have completely recovered from it. On the post above I have just spelled out the legal part. I am not sure what to do.

In my jurisdiction (and I think most others) an order of protection and a restraining order are basically the same thing. Keeps one person away from another with the force of law.

I would not ask anyone to contact your WW in your exposure, because that could certainly be construed as harassment and create a paper trail (so to speak) she could use against you in court.

Legally, this could result in further OPs, it could absolutely harm your custody outcome, and it could possibly even harm how the judge awards property. I would consider the best possible custody arrangement more important than a strong plan A right now if I were you.

My $.02: Still expose but simply inform people of what is happening. There is no law against telling the truth. Do not ask them to contact your WW, do not contact anyone yourself whom you are forbidden to contact/harass by the OP. It sucks, but unfortunately an OP constrains what you can do somewhat.

Also, ask your lawyers about getting the OP thrown out. A 6 month OP should require some justification (usually a hearing) and if nothing has happened you may be able to request one. You make it sound as if there would be no grounds for such an order. There's nothing we should know about here, is there?

Thanks for sharing your story axslinger.

It must have been painful to be asked not contact the OM�s family. Some consequences of exposure seem to concern me.

What is the situation of your WW now?
Is she still with the OM?
Any contact?
What is your relationship with her like now?
Can you expound on the confrontation with OM? What did you?
Sorry to ask all this. I am nervous to expose.

I am thinking to expose to whatever extent I am legally able to as you advised. Unfortunately this will reach to people on my side and will not reach people on her side.

She is definitely gas lighting me. Of course I reacted poorly to denials and her lies during the last 3 years since she went to the foreign country where the A happened. I was not aware of MB. I could have done better. My reaction included resentment and feeling disrespected. The lies took a toll on me and the marriage(and her too I would think) which finally destroyed the marriage. So, yes it is both of us involved.

I just want to point out that you can research anyone's stories by clicking on their name, which is a link. Choose "Show User's Posts" from the menu that appears, and then "topics created" when the list of all their posts appears. You can usually work out which thread contains their story.

In addition, axslinger has a link in his signature, entitled "my story" (go back to his post, and look). If you click that, you will be taken straight to his main thread.

I am really grateful for your advice. I cannot explain how much this means to me. So helpful. And thanks for clarifying OPs and restraining orders. Yes there are the same.

I am not going to ask anyone to ask my WW. What you mentioned about paper trail and harming the custody outcome is exactly what my junior lawyer told me. Further OPs and judge�s reactions are of major concern also.

The current OP does not ask me not to contact anyone.

The lawyers are trying to get the OP thrown out. She applied for OP because her mom was visiting from a far foreign country and she wanted her mom to be with the kids. With the current kids sharing time her mom would have seen the kids only 3 afternoons per week. Instead of asking me for me that she wants her mom to se the kids she wanted to take the kids away through a frivolous motion. She made up accusations and she got the OP.

I agree.
1. I will consider the best possible custody arrangement than a string plan A

Would the letter be like this the?

You mentioned �Still expose but simply inform people of what is happening�. I am trying to understand this sentence especially the "Still expose" part. I am now confused. How should I expose? By letters, phone calls or by mouth? "simply inform what is happening = telling about the affair and the legal proceedings. If by letter would it be like this then?

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of Xxxx and I. As some of you know, Xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation/divorce, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she had an affair with a coworker named xxxx xxxx who now resides in xxxx, foreign country 1 and also still lives in City1X(near xxxxx and xxxx), foreign country 2 near 1 in the pacific region. He is also married and has a young child. His wife was living in City1X(near xxxxx and xxxx), foreign country 2 while he was lIving in city2X, foreign country 2.The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair and other relationships without interference. A few days before I was served the papers she told me out of the blue that she wanted to find an Italian boyfriend. She betrayed me with him in 2012/2013 when I reluctantly agreed that she goes to city2X to work with him for 7 months at xxxxx and this heavily affected our marriage for 3 years because she was lying and denying everything. 3.5 years on she finally admitted to it. She was in city2X, from xxx 2012 till xxx 2013 nearly 7 months while I was alone with very young kids aged 2 and 5, and at the same time I had a full time job in countryX in Europe

While she was living cityX, foreign country 2 OM also had picked her up by car early on a Saturday morning from her apartment in xxx to his place in xxx which is an hour away. He dropped her back at her apartment the following morning (Sunday) around 7am. She refuses to end the affair with him. I want our marriage to recover from this affair and what it has caused. If you have any influence on my wife, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end. I do love my wife.

For more about the story go to this link xxxxxxxxxxxx(still to come).

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage. I love her.

The man is xxxx and his contact info is +x xxxx xxxxx xx(country here).

Thank you BrainHurts.
That is solid advice. My question is does �done with court issues� mean when a settlement is done or when you sign the divorce papers? Settlement is when you agree on child custody and splitting the assets. Signing the divorce papers means the case is done you are now divorced. I think I am correct regarding the definitions. Correct me if I am wrong. After which of the two should I expose?

Thank you SugarCane.

Back in 2013 WW had told me that she was moving out her apartment and was going to stay at an apartment of her coworker's dad who was not in the apartment that time because he comes once to the city once in a while. WW had said she was having issues with the owner of the apartment she had been staying. She moved out 4 nights before her end of stay in the city where she working. She was coming back. Yesterday I called the coworker to ask if WW had stayed at her father's place. The coworker said she does not remember, she might have stayed. I asked if WW had stayed at her place instead and she said No. I asked again if she had stayed at her father's place and she said she does not remember. My guess is that WW did not stay at her father's place and instead stayed with the OM before she flew out. What do you make of coworker's reply and the whole think?

Oh my affair is getting exposed in court by the lawyers. It has already been exposed through a motion. The problem is now she will start telling her friends and OM before I expose it. Any ideas please?

Don't you have a court order that keeps you from contacting her?

Have you written Dr. Harley?

Yes.

The lawyers brought it up in court. I did not contact her.

How does that work? Any email I can use? Thanks.

Start by sending an email that Joyce and Dr Harley will receive at

MBRadio@MarriageBuilders.com

WierdSituation:

The fact that you have a restraining order against you, and your lawyer is adamant that if you expose you could lose joint custody of your children and assets that would normally go to you after a divorce, I'd take your lawyer's advice. I don't know enough about your situation as I only have your side of the story. But from what I have read in this thread so far, I'm not sure that exposure at this time would save your marriage, and you risk losing joint custody and significant assets. After the divorce is over, exposure would no longer be a legal risk, and I would encourage you to do it then. You will have a chance to remarry if you don't date for about two years, and offer your help to your ex-wife as she struggles to make sense of what has just happened to her. She was expecting sole custody and plenty of child support plus additional assets, and when it never came through, and her affair partner isn't the help she thought he would be, she might come to her senses. By the, she would have nothing, not even her affair partner. You might then step in to save her from her huge mistake if you are still interested in saving your relationship with her.

Dr. Harley

Thank you very much.

Dr. Harley, this is sound advice. I thought about it in the last couple of days and I decided to follow it. Thank you.

Hi All.

What should I do in the meantime? ENs?

Hello

How far and and wide is a far and and wide exposure? What are the limits?

Do you expose to friends and relatives of the spouse of the OW/OM?
My thinking is that the spouse may not put pressure on OW/OM and may try to hide it from other people. She may also have heard the OW/OM's story already before one exposes.

I have more questions and I will post them one by one as the thread progresses to get quality answers and avoid confusion.

Thank you.

Have you read this? It has all your answers in here.
Exposure 101

I have read your thread and have the feeling there is more to your story than you posted. Dr. Harley explicitly advised you not to expose until after the divorce. Is your divorce finalized?

Yes, I have read it. I ask because I have seen in many posts that people have been advised to go beyond what is in the link?

goody2shoes, the divorce is not finalized. I am preparing for exposure.
May you tell me what you think or suspect is needed to add. Or could you tell what makes you think so?

Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.

Thanks.

Can you be specific?

I read who the exposure targets are supposed to be on exposure 101 link.
I feel my situation needs me to expand my exposure targets. I also have seen in some posts whereBH/BW had to widen their exposure targets specifically to friends and relatives of spouse of affair partner.

My WW�s friends are a click mostly in a country where clicks are the norm. These friends will support each other to death and this will deter their influence own her. They will also try to keep the affair a close guarded secret because they would not want other people to know. Because of this I was thinking of exposing to some friends of these friends and some friends of their husbands - maybe 2 friends of each friend on Facebook. That way the word can travel and will help shine the light on WW. It is a country where the word spreads fast. I do not want this affair to be under the wraps.

My WW has not allowed me to talk to her friends and family because she is afraid of shame and embarrassment on how she handled the divorce. What she did was very bad and violent. We do not live in that country but her aim will be to retire there I think and having people there know what happened will important. Should I do this?

I also thought that I should tell the friends' husbands first and then tell the friends about 5 hours later after they have heard from their husbands. This way they will be scared that one day she may sleep with their husbands. They will therefore look at holding her accountable for her affair and not trust her. Should I do this?

Concerning the spouse pf affair partner.. She may not want to tell her friends and relatives again because of embarrassment. I want the OM to feel the heat. I can do that by exposing to spouse� friends and relatives. Should I do this?

My WW has not added friends on FB since the divorce. She has friends on Linkedin whom I want to expose the affair to. Some of these friend are colleagues from workplace with OM. I can take their names and search on FB if they have accounts and expose. This way I avoid Linkedin for reasons associated with work/career damage for her or me. Should I do this?

Same with OM concerning Linkedin. Should I do this?

I also have time to plan since I have to wait for divorce to end. It is a pain to wait. The divorce may even take 2 more years. it has been one year and nothing has been achieved. No custody, financial and property. We are in one the largest cities in the US where divorce takes three years and even more to finalize. Who knows she may have another man at that time or will be with OM and relationships will have gone very deep. Because of this lengthy time I feel exposure may not be powerful. However I will still do it. I think the exposure will serve many good purposes. How do you deal with the pain to wait?

I am suspecting that WW is seeing someone else now with the other OM in a far away country. We are in separation mode. She goes out the nights I am with kids. I cannot hire a PI because I do not have money.
What should I do?
How can I find out?
Any investigative methods?
If she is seeing someone can it help in divorce and custody? I can inform my lawyers.
Thank you all.

Wierdsituation,

you have already exposed.
You already have a restraining order against you.
Further exposure to people, because you want to punish your WW is going to convince other people you are a creep and will not help bring your marriage together.
Further stalking with illegal methods will bring you only heartache.

If you cannot do plan A anymore, it is time to go to plan B.
You have to think of your sanity and of the children.

Dr Harley specifically advised against exposure in your case.
I have read your entire thread.

Stop your stalking behaviour, you have to take the high road here and help your children through this. They need a sane parent.
It is not worth it.
Rather become a better and more attractive version of you.
A version any woman would be happy to date.

Don't be so needy as to keep stalking her. You are giving her too much power in your mind.

Happy heart. I am not sure what makes you think I have exposed. All along I have seeking an advice on how to expose. I have not exposed and that is the reason I wrote to Dr. Harley and he said expose after divorce. That is when I will expose. I am just preparing to expose. For now Dr. has said do not do anything.

Temporary Order of Protection expires in a few hours.

I guess the question is what if she is seeing someone now who is not the original OM - what do I do?

Your situation is somewhat difficult.
Your wife moved out more than a year ago and you are divorced (if finalized).
Maybe you can talk to Dr H on the radio show to know how to best handle exposure in your situation.

Exposure is so effective because it shines the light of day on the affair. Most people will not oppose a relationship after there has been a divorce.
Did you have in-laws that were supportive of the marriage?

Given that she moved out a long time ago, you can take your time and ask Dr. Harley.

Yes, it is difficult. Did you see Dr.'s reply in the thread? I will contact Dr. after the divorce is finalized or near finalization. It will take time - maybe 2 years more.The FIL was supportive. MIL is not mentally OK..

Yes, I agree. Thanks.

Thank you so much. I have been giving her so much power in my mind. I am going to stop giving her so much power in my mind. High road has been always the route I have taken since the separation started and have been helping the children very well. All the lawyers have said she is not interested in the kids. This "woke" me up more than ever and I decided a long time ago to take the lead for my family in any ways I can. I do not know what her plans are. I am on my own and need to make sure the children are well loved and taken care of. If both parents go berserk then it is haywire.

Not correct. She kicked me out through a blindsided method.

Hello all, after reading wifedivorcing and justthe3ofus I am going to try to save my marriage through MB. I will be posting looking for advice. Normal people do not know good advice.

The temporary order of protection has expired but we still have a divorce court date next month .. so I am still observing the order.

I also have feeling that wife filed for divorce because there maybe someone other than the overseas OM. From reading MB especially wifedivorcing and justthe3ofus's threads, her actions before and after serving me papers and even now fit exactly wayward profile. I have to say her affair with OM made me cause LBs during the marriage because I acted in such a way. It did not help. That was before I came across MB. What do I do next?

You need to find out who this new OM is. You might need the services of a private investigator, but it is worth the cost to know precisely what you are up against. You will then need to do an effective exposure of the affair(s).

Thank you mrEureka. That is the best and only way to go.

Are you going to hire a PI?

I want to. Our devices may be taken for computer forensics because she has been accessing my Cloud content from her place - long story - maybe for another day. She can then see that I have been accessing MB so often and she will probably look to see if our story is here. Then if she finds the thread she can use it in court. I am scared! Not sure if I should say much now on thread.

I just found out that she rented our apartment twice when we went for a vacation overseas. We had gone for 1.5 months. I saw from reviews on her Airbnb profile. She rented it without telling me. I do not know where the money went. This happened in 2015 summer. It means she was preparing for divorce a long time ago. A lot of secrets keeping coming out. Should I show this to my lawyer and forensics psychiatrist who is doing child custody evaluation? Ha!

I will know towards the end of next month if the computer forensics will happen. It may not even happen.

Why do you think she removed me from her Linkedin profile?

She removed or blocked me from her Linkedin profile from around July till today. I am not sure why.

My thoughts:
1. I think she did not want me to prove to the court that she worked in the country where she had an affair. She left the employment on the paper she gave to court.

2. She also wanted to hide it to say she did not make money that year.

3. I also think she may have found another OM is on her Linkedin and may see me as connection on her Profile and would not like it.

Thank you.

Any advice on child custody evaluation forensics?
We are going through child custody evaluation with a forensics psychiatrist. I find it like torture because I always fell I left a lot of information when answering questions and as if I was not prepared enough.

Has anyone gone through this ordeal?

Have you changed your Cloud settings so she can't access it anymore?

Yes, I disconnected the computer she was using but after the court asked us not to delete any files on our devices. She can access the old files and even my case files.

They are images that were pouring into the cloud from Whatsapp group without me knowing. Someone had put my name in the group. The images are of all sorts and she has picked 4 images and videos out of hundreds of the them to try to paint picture of me that I am crazy and I am bad for kids. I never saw these images because I never opened them. In summary she is trying all sorts of ways to get me. When someone does this it is pretty scary especially when she knows I am not like the picture she wants to paint. This is the reason why my side wants to bring computer forensics. Spending money to counter lies gives me headaches. I hate it. It has made me broke..

I would personally make a short outline of your lives, preferrably with pictures. You lived alone with the children when thy were 2 and 5, so you may want to tell that as well (was this a time where you can proof beyond reasonable doubt that she was conducting an affair?).
Don't give the impression that you think she is a monster. You want to be seen as cooperative and doing everything so that the children will have a relationship with both parents.
Stress your own interest and ability to maintain a healthy and stable home environment. If she has to work you can offer to take the children.

Thank you happyheart. she admitted to the affair. Her lies summed it up also. She says they were going shopping for a friend with that friend. She said she went to his apartment with other people for 15 minutes only. She said she walked to her apartment from the city with an old lady from work. It is dangerous and too long a distance in wee wee hours. All these activities were in one day. It turns out that all was not true and she spent time with him in his apartment. There were many body signs that gave way including a knee jerk when I told her that she was cheating with him. The body signs are still livid in my mind and are so scary. I suffer from them. I do not have texts between them They made it hard to find evidence as the OM had infringed in our marriage before and I had emailed him not to. I also had told her not do that.

I will stress what you mentioned about forensics. Thank you once again.

What do you do with an Angry Wife?

My wife is very angry. The texts I get from her are crazy and show that.
As you know from the the court knows about the affair now. I am sure that has made her angrier. However she was still angry before this. We can only text or email about kids.

Is there a thread that says "What to do with an Angry Wife?" in the forum?

Like this one
What to do with an Angry Husband

I want to salvage this marriage.
What do I do?
What do I do when she writes angry texts?
What kind of texts should I write to her to make this marriage salvageable?
What else can I do to make it salvageable?

Any tactics/suggestions on applying ENs and avoid LBers, do POJA(this one if applicable)when you are separated and can only email or text about kids? Thank you.

You expose the affair and wait for it to die a natural death.

Thank you so much. Your answer has given me so much energy and power for my life. I am getting out of bed! I amazed by you guys.

In your case, you stick to Dr Harley's advice.

Thank you. The urge is too much. I will stick to the advice though. Patience. It reminds me of Yoda and Skywalker.

Weird Situation, you need to find something to do to occupy your time so you don't blow up your plan. You need to wait to expose until after the divorce is final. Turn over any crazy texts from WW to your attorney. You are not going to be able to POJA or meet her ENs.

The courts have effectively put you in Plan B. Continue that for now and find a hobby.

The urge will get you in trouble. Find a distraction, go for a walk. Do you have hobbies?

Have you read this article?
How to Deal with a Quarrelsome and Nagging Wife

Thank you apples123. I will focus on personal and financial success. Multiple income streams and career goals. I will forward the texts and email to the attorney. I am feeling like I cannot find a hobby. This divorce shock has thrown me down a waterfall. Confused what hobby it is I have if any. I will find a hobby.

Thanks for putting me in a "straight line". Calm and patience I will be. I have seen how powerful and unforgiving urges can be. They totally lead to disaster. Hobbies - I like tennis, cycling. I feel I need more hobbies or at least more. Any suggestions on hobbies? I am thinking that I could learn how to swim well and sail.

Thank you BrainHurts. I read the article. It is very good and useful. I am armed with great knowledge. My wife never wanted to discuss and solve issues.