I hadn't heard from SugarCane for a while and wanted to see if all is well with her.

All is fine with me, thank you for asking, but why did you want to ask me this in a private message?

I thought maybe you stopped posting to us because of your post about MB being against my H's instincts and beliefs. I wanted to ask you about that but didn't want to upset anyone, my H included. I am sorry for any offence caused.

I am really concerned that you don't feel that you can post freely for help on the forum. I can see from what you have written since you first came here, that your husband gives you a hard time after you post, or after you try and discuss MB with him.

I think you need to reach out again to Dr Harley directly, and I think you need to do this alone. I don't think your communication with Dr Harley should be joint with your husband, because I think you are not radically honest when you know that he will hear what you say. I think that you - specifically you - are in desperate need of help with the next steps that you need to take, and I think that only direct communication with Dr Harley will give you the authority and confidence that you need to take them.

I agree.

So do I.

I can't imagine SugarCane being offended by that...

Marriage Builders is against nearly everybody's instincts and beliefs! That is why:
60% of marriages experience infidelity at some point
40% of marriages end in divorce
20% of marriages end in permanent lifelong separation
20% of marriages stay together but are miserable

Only 20% of marriages stay together and are happy for life.

Most people don't even know anybody who has a good marriage, let alone know how to have a good one themselves.

Everyone always looks at Marriage Builders and says "Oh, that's just common sense," but it's not! Almost nobody lives this way, which is why most marriages are failing and are literally killing people.

Me three.

Thank you SugarCane for your post. Dr. Harley has been in touch with me and we are communicating regularly. He has also emailed H and I believed my H has responded to him.

You are not far off in your analysis. I am very careful in what I say on the forum because I do not want to be disrespectful to my H. He indicates that I am the one who lovebusts and I do. He says I am the one who won't hear him and accept his perspective.

I am trying really hard to follow the advice you all are giving me. I find it tremendously hard to not engage and am only successful some of the time.

Deflection.

Re the cousin visit and the goodwill issue....

H did take the visit off the table when I told him that I didn't want to visit. He says he did not say that if I had goodwill that I would visit the cousin. I DID think that was what he was saying. He said other things at that time (after he took the visit off the table) about how we really need to get the whole family issue resolved soon. This upset me, I felt...not sure how to explain...pushed...maybe.
But my main issue with the whole subject was that when he raised it, he prefaced with the statement that he did not want me to feel pressured in any way and that I should feel free to say how I felt. I took him at his word because he had been treating me really well up till that point from the time of our radio show with the Harley's. And I felt devastated when that happened, further back than when we started with MB. Events since have not improved where I am at.

Thank you Markos. I hope you are saying that we can 'get this' too.

MB and you all on the forum have given me such a gift. The gift of validation, that I am not just full of character flaws and personality problems. That my voice is entitled to be heard and respected.

Both of you can get this, but it is essential that you do your part and hold a firm line. DO NOT GIVE IN to his demands or disrespect. He is used to being able to use them to get his way -- so used to that that he can't even see how he is treating you.

This is a very common problem, and it can be overcome. But he will only be motivated to learn about and change his demands and disrespect if you no longer give in to them. It will be uncomfortable and painful for awhile, but hold your ground.

Are you two exchanging lovebuster worksheets?

My husband just posted this to yours:

How does your husband respond to you when you feel he is disrespectful?

Have you (specifically YOU) been radically honest with Dr Harley when you describe what is going on in your marriage?

Have you had to restrain what you say to Dr Harley, "because I do not want to be disrespectful to my H"?

I can't believe that, if you have communicated to him the desperation that seethes beneath your carefully-written, "respectful" posts, Dr Harley has not suggested urgent action to change this situation. I can only deduce that you are not being radically honest with Dr Harley.

Holding my ground is certainly uncomfortable and painful. And he struggles greatly with seeing how he is treating me.

I have definitely held my ground on many issues over our years together. I am far from being a doormat. It is the LB's that are wearing me down, the ones that H is strggling to see.

We have not exchanged lovebuster worksheets. We plan to do that when we get home. We are also planning to do the 12 week course in the HWSW workbook on Dr. Harley's recommendation.

I don't think H has seen this yet. We spent the day at the beach. It was a good day. We are learning lots, I think.

My H responds really positively some of the time especially since the radio show. Some times, he gets frustrated and defensive and deflects.

I have been radically honest with Dr. Harley. We have had several emails back and forth over the last couple of weeks. Prior to our radio show, Dr. Harley had us send detailed emails to him about what is going on, he read the posts from both of us and also spoke with some forum members. He is in contact with my H as well this week.

Dr. Harley believes my H is sincere in his wish to change and is advising us as we go along.

Please note...the car story is an analogy only. H uses analogies a lot. Sometimes they help me to understand what he is saying, sometimes not. Whatever, the car story is not a real thing.

Don't worry about it, BG. The problem is that we need to teach your husband some things about how to avoid love busting you, and he's missing a lot of it because he's busy trying to teach us. We see this problem a lot, here.

To be specific, we want to help him understand why disrespectful things he says to you are hurtful - but he wants to explain why you shouldn't feel hurt by the things he said. Do you see that problem frequently?