> I am a very desperate man who wants to fix the problems that I have caused with my wife. At this time I don't think I am able to do it by myself.

> I have done many things to destroy my wife's trust. I need help figuring out how to repair and rebuild it.

> Before we were married I broke her trust by talking to exes, looking at other woman and promised to many times to change. That never happened. Once we married I had made steps to to rebuild that trust. Last Saturday I went to the bar with my brother in law and stayed around some females who were there. By doing so I ruined my wife's trust again

> Please what can I do. I'm very desperate and need help
>
> Thanks

Please someone help

Welcome Brennifer-

What do you mean by "girls hanging around"?

Hello Brennifer, welcome to Marriage Builders. The way to create trust in marriage is avoid doing things that destroy trust. For example, what in the world is a married man doing going to a bar?

Instead of being desperate, why don't you stop doing things that destroy trust?

How long have you been married? Any kids?

The girls came to the bar to meet up with my brother in laws friend. We have been married almost 4 years and we have 4 kids. I didn't do anything with the girls but I knew it was wrong not to leave when they showed up

I know I screwed up big time. I feel like the biggest piece of crap. I want to fix myself for her because she deserves the best. She is truly an amazing wife, mother and friend. I am willing to do anything to make it right

What are her complaints about you? I don't understand what the issues are.

She has very little trust for me because of my past and every time she starts to give some back to me I do something stupid to break her trust all over again.

I have also made her feel inadequate to fulfill my desires by looking at porn and other women before we were married.

I have hurt her multiple times and just want to be who she deserves

How is going to bars a trustworthy behavior. Do you think that is a way to create trust?

Your posts are really short, and they don't give us much information. You came here for help. If you are to receive help, you need to give us more detail.

Have you been unfaithful in your marriage? How many times?

If it's not infidelity, then what are these things you have done to hurt your wife multiple times?

I made a post recently, but I was too vague. In the beginning of my relationship with my wife, she made clear her views on porn. She believed it to be sinful and a form of adultery to view it. I lied and told her I agreed. Not only was I viewing porn on my phone, I was also registered on some local hookup websites. I never met up with anyone, but only did it for the nude pics the girls would send me. On top of all that, I was also texting and sexting with an ex girlfriend of mine. When my wife (girlfriend at the time) found out about the communication with my ex, she told me how much it hurt her, and how I needed to make a decision. She said she wouldn't be in a relationship where she wasn't the only girl. I apologized, cried even, and swore to cut all ties with the ex. Well, I did stop texting her, but began messaging her on Facebook instead. I accidentally left my page up when my wife went to use the phone, so she saw what I had been doing. She was devastated. Once again, I cried and begged her forgiveness. I even deleted my Facebook to show her I was serious. Fast forward a while. When my wife was pregnant with our twins, I was still secretly viewing pornament daily on my phone, and receiving nude pics from the hookup websites. My wife's heart shattered when she found out. She said she couldn't be with me. Desperate, I threw my phone away and insisted on not having any form of cable, so that I could not view anything like that again. Still shattered, she agreed to stay. I can't tell you how many times I promised I'd never do it again, insisting I now found it disgusting, etc. But I always found a way. Usually by using her phone when I took it to the bathroom to "play games" or stepped outside to "call my dad". She caught me every few weeks, but somehow I always convinced her not to leave me. She will tell you that aside from the infidelity, I treat her better than she ever dreamed. I own doors for her, including our van door, always. I rub her back, her feet, and tell her she's beautiful constantly. She doesn't believe me though, about her being beautiful. I chose porn over her so many times. I have officially been porn free for a few years, but it's still hard for her to trust me. I have a phone with Internet again, and she never checks it, even though I have to assume she worries. She doesn't check because she wants to trust me, and is probably too scared she will find something. She wouldn't though. I truly am done with porn.. Well I'm in a different state than she is right now. I got a new job, and finances made it so I needed to make the move a month before my family can. I let her know I wanted to visit her brother here, which she agreed was a good idea. I told her that her brother did mention a couple girls may be coming over to his house to hang out (he's single), and she and I both agreed I would not be going to visit if that was the case. Plans changed and the girls weren't coming, so I went. Across the street from his house is a bar he works at. I let my wife know he wanted to take me there to play pool (this was last Saturday night). She said she needs to be able to trust me, so to just remember how a married Christian man should behave, and do that. I agreed, excited that she was trusting me. She told me to have fun. Well, those girls ended up coming to the bar to hang out instead of the house. I stayed since my brother in law was there and I had driven all that way.. My wife was apparently texting me a question about our landlords, and I didn't check my phone. Not for over 2 hours. She finally called, and the bar was so loud with music and people that I just continued tell her the truth, that I couldn't hear her. Finally we hung up after I told her about 10 times that I was unable to hear her. She called again a bit later and kept shooting to step outside, which I finally did. At that point she was annoyed, and kept asking me to respond about her landlord question. I couldn't comprehend what she was saying. I could finally hear her, but I was too druns to make sense of anything she said. I had not told her I'd be getting wasted, only that we were going to play pool. She wasn't impressed, made that known, ando got off the phone with me. I had promised to call and say goodnight to our 4 kids every night before bed, and that night I didnt. I was drunk and forgot. I slept at my brother in laws that night, but the girls didn't stay. Even so, now that I've told my wife about the girls being there a few days after the fact, she won't talk to me the same. She said I finally had a chance to prove that I was who I promised to be, and I blew it. Honestly nothing at all haooened between the girls and I. How do I fix this? She is so so hurt and upset.

Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.

Okay, so start doing this:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html

Reveal to your wife every thing you do, and invite her to check up on you in any way she pleases.

And start doing this:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html

Stop going to bars talking with girls, etc. because your wife isn't enthusiastic and let her know she can check up on you and hold you accountable.

Okay, have you really been porn free?

Does your wife ever install software to check?

Does your wife know all your passwords?

This never works.

You and your wife need to be together every night or she will never be able to trust you.

That's all there is to it.

Maybe other people can somehow make a night apart work, but you've demonstrated that you can't, right?

My wife and I can't make nights apart work, either, for a whole host of reasons.

Don't spend the night away from your wife.

What really happened is that you stopped looking for alternative ideas too soon. There was another way that you could have figured out, but you decided this was the only way and didn't look for another.

There's always another way!

A married Christian man should spend every night with his wife.

And he certainly shouldn't go to bars!!!!