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#2893142 01/26/17 12:56 AM
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I have been doing this a long time. I still am resentful. I am in a situation that most would deem to be unequal. I earn all the money, do all the homework, make nearly all dinners, do all dishes, etc. I have spent a good 5-6 years working on myself, read 80-90 personal development books, have 3 life coaches that I meet with once per week, and make a good $300k/year.

I am not perfect by any means. I still judge, criticize, and have a fond relationship with being right all the time. My tendencies run deep and despite all the work, I continue to fall into the same trap. The trap is revolves around resent. I accept her for who she is, relationship improves, something happens, and then I pick a fight and we derail. Over, and over, and over again. Where do I go from here?


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Originally Posted by ReplaceResent
Where do I go from here?
How about using Marriage Builders? Why haven't you and your Wife tried MB?


FWW/BW (me)
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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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725 posts. We did 6 years ago. One of the most viewed posts on all of MB! I was in a bad spot back then. I am much more educated, aware, and motivated as compared to then. Despite that, I have made many mistakes along the way, mostly because I valued being right over anything else. I need a restart.


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Originally Posted by ReplaceResent
725 posts. We did 6 years ago. One of the most viewed posts on all of MB! I was in a bad spot back then. I am much more educated, aware, and motivated as compared to then. Despite that, I have made many mistakes along the way, mostly because I valued being right over anything else. I need a restart.
I know you did it 6 years ago and then what just stopped it? You struggled with UA time. Are you still getting 15-20 hours of UA time a week?

Why do you need 3 life coaches? Have you ever thought of doing the online program where you work with a MB coach?


FWW/BW (me)
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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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No we get almost no UA. 3 kids. She is overwhelmed, or I enable her being overwhelmed. This alone is good.


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Originally Posted by ReplaceResent
No we get almost no UA. 3 kids. She is overwhelmed, or I enable her being overwhelmed. This alone is good.
Have you read this?
The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention


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Originally Posted by ReplaceResentment
I still judge, criticize
Are you still committing love busters?


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Its really simple:
1. Cut out the 3 coaches, you are a grown-up, paying people to listen to you.
If you are able to hold a 300k job, you can't be that crazy and don't need them.
2. Read the anger management posts at this website and learn to relax when feeling tense, it will help with nr 3
3. stop love busting rightaway, you can. Start thinking intelligently and find out why your wife has another perspective.
4. Take your wife out to do fun stuff and become good at meeting her emotional needs.
5. sit down with your wife and negotiate how to make her less overwhelmed, maybe a cleaning lady or help in the garden or children's homework would do her good.

Tip: if she is not willing to spend time with you you must be doing a very poor job meeting her needs, or hurting her with love busters.

Tip2: if women are overwhelmed, they are likely depressed and if so, chances are this has everything to do with their husbands.

Now go do this.
This is free advice from a medical professional. Dr Harley has 100s of pages of free advice coming from a licenced clinical psychologist. It's all there for the taking. Now go bathe in the river Jordan Naaman and stop the silky coaching thing. Just grow up.

Last edited by happyheart; 01/26/17 03:27 AM.

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And another hint:
HiPos often score high on the narcissistic trait inventory, which leads us to think we know everything best, which does't work very well in marriage as Dr Harley has so eloquently pointed out.

The upside is that these same traits lead us to want to be the best in anything we do, like following Dr Harley's doctrine because you see that it makes sense and it works.

Again, don't have your soul tickled by people you pay for it. Just apply MB rules and discover that they also work in business relations (except for SF and the like of course).

Last edited by happyheart; 01/26/17 03:25 AM.

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725 posts. We did 6 years ago.
No, you never really did follow the program. You never gave up your lovebusters. What are you going to do about that?


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Originally Posted by ReplaceResent
I have spent a good 5-6 years working on myself, read 80-90 personal development books, have 3 life coaches that I meet with once per week

I am not perfect by any means. I still judge, criticize, and have a fond relationship with being right all the time. My tendencies run deep and despite all the work, I continue to fall into the same trap.

It doesn't seem like all those books and 'life coaches' are doing much good for you.

MB will teach you how to STOP being so unpleasant.

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I don't pay my coaches, we trade services so the cost is minimal. I am completely happy with the value and have grown leaps and bounds through the coaching process. With that being said, as I have changed over time I have become more organized, efficient, clean, etc. It has gotten to the point where I just started doing everything because it made me happier. I make more money, I do the kids homework with them, cook all the meals, etc. The unfortunate impact of that is that my wife feels inadequate. In addition, she has taken up being busy socially with her friends and runs all the time where she is just not around all that much. It is me and the kids and we are happy together, but I am still not fulfilled in my relationship. What I have been stuck on his the LB's. From my perspective, I feel my wife should do more as a full time mother and wife. She doesn't work. I feel like a single parent which would be fine if my needs were met, but they are not. Now I have to take ownership in the following:

1. Judging my wife for how she parents, how much she produces in her role, etc.
2. Resent. I have a tendency to bottle things up and expect her to assume what I need.
3. The need to be right. I think one time in marriage counseling I said point blank, "It isn't that I have a need to be right, it is just that I nearly always am!" Ewwww, I'm surprised she didn't divorce me right then and there.

As far as me being a HiPo. You are right. I excel at everything and it is hard for me to comprehend and understand that not everybody approaches life that way. I don't understand NOT being intense. To me it doesn't make any sense not to be intense. So I live each day with this beautiful woman, my wife, who I love, that I have grown apart from. She maxed out after child #1 and went over and above her max with children #2, and #3. My goal that I need help with is simple, which is to replace feelings of resent with acceptance and compassion. I believe with immense conviction that I am remaining in this relationship and to make it more fulfilling and WANT and NEED to accept and love this woman for who she is.


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I am completely happy with the value and have grown leaps and bounds through the coaching process.
Yet you haven't stopped your lovebusters. All your accomplishments really don't mean much if you haven't done that.

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From my perspective, I feel my wife should do more as a full time mother and wife. She doesn't work. I feel like a single parent
Yep. There are the disrespectful judgements.

What are you going to do about those?

Hint: It takes more than just "taking ownership."



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Originally Posted by ReplaceResent
What I have been stuck on his the LB's. From my perspective, I feel my wife should do more as a full time mother and wife.

Wives tend to do more when they are not depressed.

Wives tend to be depressed when they are married to abusive husbands.

A husband saying "I feel my wife should do more" is an abusive husband. He is abusing his wife, saying that.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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Originally Posted by ReplaceResent
I don't pay my coaches, we trade services so the cost is minimal. I am completely happy with the value and have grown leaps and bounds through the coaching process. With that being said, as I have changed over time I have become more organized, efficient, clean, etc. It has gotten to the point where I just started doing everything because it made me happier. I make more money, I do the kids homework with them, cook all the meals, etc. The unfortunate impact of that is that my wife feels inadequate. In addition, she has taken up being busy socially with her friends and runs all the time where she is just not around all that much. It is me and the kids and we are happy together, but I am still not fulfilled in my relationship. What I have been stuck on his the LB's. From my perspective, I feel my wife should do more as a full time mother and wife. She doesn't work. I feel like a single parent which would be fine if my needs were met, but they are not. Now I have to take ownership in the following:

1. Judging my wife for how she parents, how much she produces in her role, etc.
2. Resent. I have a tendency to bottle things up and expect her to assume what I need.
3. The need to be right. I think one time in marriage counseling I said point blank, "It isn't that I have a need to be right, it is just that I nearly always am!" Ewwww, I'm surprised she didn't divorce me right then and there.

As far as me being a HiPo. You are right. I excel at everything and it is hard for me to comprehend and understand that not everybody approaches life that way. I don't understand NOT being intense. To me it doesn't make any sense not to be intense. So I live each day with this beautiful woman, my wife, who I love, that I have grown apart from. She maxed out after child #1 and went over and above her max with children #2, and #3. My goal that I need help with is simple, which is to replace feelings of resent with acceptance and compassion. I believe with immense conviction that I am remaining in this relationship and to make it more fulfilling and WANT and NEED to accept and love this woman for who she is.

I don't know. I feel that things are unfair and I am having a hard time being ok with that.


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Originally Posted by ReplaceResent
3. The need to be right. I think one time in marriage counseling I said point blank, "It isn't that I have a need to be right, it is just that I nearly always am!" Ewwww, I'm surprised she didn't divorce me right then and there.

Practice accepting it when we tell you you are doing something wrong - and change it!

For example, it is imperative that you learn to filter out disrespectful or judgmental statements about your wife even when you are talking to counselors or on this board. Nobody makes it if they don't do that.

It's seriously important that you learn how to filter out disrespectful statements about your wife and talk about the problems in your marriage in a way that is not disrespectful of her. Crucially imperative. Ought to be one of your highest goals.

Now, when I explain all this to a husband and he responds by letting me know why it's okay because he never talks this way directly to his wife, he only talks that way here, etc., I know that 1) he has a serious need to be right that is making him DEAF TO THE IMPORTANT THINGS WE HAVE TO TEACH HIM THAT CAN SAVE HIS MARRIAGE, and 2) he is never going to make it.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by ReplaceResent
What I have been stuck on his the LB's. From my perspective, I feel my wife should do more as a full time mother and wife.

Wives tend to do more when they are not depressed.

Wives tend to be depressed when they are married to abusive husbands.

A husband saying "I feel my wife should do more" is an abusive husband. He is abusing his wife, saying that.

I am not saying that I am not abusive, but at some point I feel complicit in enabling lazy behavior. How could one human being allow another do do nearly everything? I get up at 530, do my morning meditations and work, then make kids breakfast and lunch, take them to school, workout an hour, come home and clean up, go out to work all day till it is time to pick up kids. Meet them to do their homework. Make dinner, do dishes,and then collapse of exhaustion on couch by 6 pm. How does another human being allow someone else to do nearly everything? What is the mentality?


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Originally Posted by ReplaceResent
Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by ReplaceResent
What I have been stuck on his the LB's. From my perspective, I feel my wife should do more as a full time mother and wife.

Wives tend to do more when they are not depressed.

Wives tend to be depressed when they are married to abusive husbands.

A husband saying "I feel my wife should do more" is an abusive husband. He is abusing his wife, saying that.

I am not saying that I am not abusive, but at some point I feel complicit in enabling lazy behavior.

Okay, I can see that we're not going to be able to help you very much since nothing I said meant much to you.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Yep. There are the disrespectful judgements.

What are you going to do about those?

Hint: It takes more than just "taking ownership."
This wasn't a rhetorical question. It wasn't rhetorical the first time I asked it, either.


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Originally Posted by ReplaceResent
It has gotten to the point where I just started doing everything because it made me happier.
Why not start doing things that make the both of you happy. And stop doing things that make her unhappy.

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