Why does she have social media? Wasn't this one of the avenues she used to carry on her affair? Also, why does she still have OS friends?

You are completely right. Action will be taken. Thank you for your guidance.

Please urgent help!
I already contacted the OM wife, but there's a good chance she never read the message. (My wife knows this, and agreed).

My wife is now very angry that the OM's friend is not leaving her alone. My W suggested to send another reveal letter to the OM's wife in her name (so she would send the letter to his wife herself, WITH my consent and she would let me read the letter and let me watch her post it)

Should I let her do this? I think this is a very good idea.
We want to handle this asap.

Additional question: we want to focus on OUR recovery. Really don't feel like having to conversate with OM's wife for days or even weeks. How should I (or my wife) react to her additional questions (if any)?

Why don't you think that the OM wife didn't read your message? Why do you think she would read a message from your W and not you?

I'm not understanding your W's fury at the OM's friend. She shouldn't be on social networking in the first place and then he wouldn't have been able to get in contact with her.

No, your W shouldn't email the OM's W. If you think an email in HER name will be opened by the OMW, then you can send the exposure - written and signed by you only. Exposure is not done by the WS.

At the end of your exposure letter through your W's email, you can give her YOUR contact information. If she has any questions for you, you should honestly answer them.

It would be unusual for the OMW to want to conversate with you for days or weeks once she has all the details.

I understand that you want to focus on your recovery, but keep in mind you have had this information for WEEKS while she will just be discovering this. Please be respectful and kind to this poor woman. She did nothing wrong here.

She was mad because she thought OM was using his friend to get in contact. We just learned that his (mutual) friend had a passing in the family.

So he probably just wanted to talk to my W about the passing. (Again, this is an assumption, we don't know why he wanted contact for sure)

You're right about the social media apps. This was a loophole.

I have no reason to believe that OMW will read the letter from my W. I just thought that IF OM used his friend to contact my W additional action was necessary.

Did you send the letter through email to OMBW? Can you contact her through phone?

No via FB. That's the closest I got. Don't have an email or phone number. I'm skilled at IT, if she had her phone/email public I would have found it by now.

After reading about it, it sounds like my W was having a "split self affair". She was trying to avoid conflicts in our marriage, while she suffers from low self esteem, so she created this fairy tale world in her head and tried to live this dream with OM, through their digital contact.

Does this sounds familiar? Any particular advice on how to solve this?

When they decided to meet-up and talk about the business they wanted to start, I feel like she was gaslighting herself and me so she would have an excuse to start having him in her life in the 'real world' and not just in her texting apps.

Do you think she can be saved? Do you think our marriage can be saved? I'm very scared that she will start to deeply miss this fairy tale she created and will go back to it. She tells me she wants only me and a good marriage (and acts like it), but I can't look inside her heart...

(Couldn't edit post anymore)

The intense part of the EA lasted for two years and my W and I got married during this period, and were trying to get pregnant. This ads up to the feeling like she can't be trusted (especially) emotionally ever again. Should I separate these two events? Or is this a sign of a person you never want in your life anymore? She has always been very loving so I can't complain about her actions towards me in that area...

Garden-variety. Nothing more, nothing less. Most important thing, it lasted for 10 years.

Re-read your thread and all the advice given. If you want to recover your marriage, follow the advice without short-cuts. Considering the affair started before you were married and was at its peak while she said "I do", you cannot afford to cut any corner.

The biggest obstacle I see in this situation is that you are desperately grasping at straws to make sense of this situation when it is very simple.

Your W had a crush on this man (admitted it to you) and he already had a lovebank balance with her before you two married and she continued looking for ways to get her EN's met by him through the duration of your M. Why?? Because it felt GOOD.

It's really that simple!

Waywards who like to cake-eat (getting ENs met by their spouse and by the OP) is NORMAL. Your situation is not special.

When I was a teen I worked at a restaurant and I found out one of my coworkers, (a good friend) and one of the managers were having an affair - they were both engaged and both got married while I worked there and continued their affair.

It had nothing to do with low self-esteem or childhood issues or fantasy issues. It was the same as any other affair and the way to recover would be the same.

I think your W is still wayward. The "fury" you describe at the OM friend contacting her (which is her fault for not changing her contact info) is a red flag IMO.

Not telling you the entire truth about the affair will lead to a wayward staying sick. I wrote about this in the "false recovery" thread. I know you don't want to hear it but I think that's at play here.

To be brutally honest, your W has been wayward (leading a SSL and clinging to her IB) for the entire marriage. To change that around will be tough and a radical change for her. It's possible, but it won't be easy.

It seems like it's been a struggle to get you to follow the steps for recovery, so I'm worried that if you guys can't even get it together for the fairly easy stuff (poly, EPs-sounds like she is still on social media etc) that you aren't going to be able to implement the harder stuff like UA time and POJA.

It's really up to you guys. The tools are all here.

Thanks for always being so honest Suzie.
The fury you describe was more pissed off, but I get your point.
She took care of the other social media accounts together with me, and this social media network apparently slipped through the net. It's not like I didn't know she was active on that platform so it was not a secret. Just being sloppy. She's in the process of shutting social media apps down altogether right now, instead of just blocking certain people.

What does SSL and IB mean?
I guess secret second life, but IB?
Not sure what UA time means either.

I can just guess it's about filling the love bank?
Actually since D-day there's been a lot of fights, but we are finally after years of sugar coating everything talking about our love busters, what love deposits we like, and we talk a lot about the giver/taker concept. This helps us put our finger on a lot of issues we had in the past. I ordered Surviving an afair and His and her needs from Dr. Haley. Looking forward to reading them (both me and my W)

By the way, how would you handle this?
She agreed to close the last loop (a professional networking site) but we had to fight about it. Her career is very important to her, but it was easy to be contacted by people through this network.

Is her excuse (it's strictly professional) a logical/valid one?
Or does she now just have to do anything I say?

She feels like she is loosing her identity and she feels like I'm treating her like a child.

Sorry for all my questions, but you're much more experienced then I am. My W shows little to no signs of withdrawal of OM.
My gut tells me that either she's still in contact, or she's just planning to lay low for a while and wants to pick it back up in time.

What signs should I look for?

We are having arguments about this for almost two months now, so that's the only 'excuse' for not having 'time' to grieve or go into withdrawal. (maybe I'm gaslighting myself now)

Can anyone shed light on this and provide help?

There could still be contact. In fact, you should expect it unless you can prove otherwise.

Do you have spyware on all her devices??

Do not voice your suspicions to her BTW.

IB is Independent Behavior. This is the opposite of POJA (never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse) which is a necessary ingredient for a good marriage.

Your W was commiting IB by having a relationship with the OM against your wishes prior to M and early in M.

When we say a person is still wayward in recovery (when NC has been confirmed), it is because they are still clinging to their IB and/or SSL.