You are feeling down because you broke Plan B, not because you truly believe WH and OW are happy. You said yourself that he is a serial cheater with a girl in every port. They get their thrill out of the chase and conquest, they have no interest in a real relationship with these women. In any case they always trade down so these women are the dregs of society. In the case of my XH his undoing was a fat ugly middle aged woman who got her hooks into him. That scared him because he had absolutely no intention of breaking up his marriage. Why would he? He had everything he wanted including the side dishes. But she threatened to spill the beans. As soon as I filed for divorce he dumped her. When a side dish tries to become the main course, it gets put into the bin. I'm betting OW has been dumped but you don't need to think about it. Not your problem.

Yes that is totally normal I remember a moment of sudden clarity when I realised that my XH would not change until it was too late. He was genuine and honest for a week after I confronted him and in 6 months was back to his old ways. Now 10 years later we are still in litigation because he cannot let go. He was too scared to change. It takes an enormous amount of courage to overcome addiction and you need to have no other options. After 6 months he thought the storm had blown over and that it could be business as usual.

A lot of abusers really are masters at making just enough love bank deposits to string someone along. They learn exactly what buttons to push.


Don't forget that keeping your Plan B airtight will help with this.

It is quite normal to expect a husband to act as a good husband would, it is also normal to expect your employer not to be corrupt. The reason you didn't see it right away is because you are honest.

It has become clear that OW believes her and WH are in a long-distance relationship. The reason I know this is that OW has a nasty habit of detailing her life to the world by use of the medium of white stick-figure stickers that people put on the back of their cars to illustrate the composition of their family (I don't think this is just a South African thing, is it?!). Every previous time i have seen her in her car (which I only became aware of after she accosted me in a mall car park), she has had a picture of a woman (her), a girl (her daughter) and a boy (I just knew that was WH....). However, last week, she was in a different car, and this one had a stick figure woman on the left hand side of the back windscreen and a stick figure man on the right hand side.

I am usually so good about not thinking about all the awful things WH has done - and happy in my plan B world where me and the kids now live - that it has taken me totally by surprise how upsetting I found this encounter. I guess I thought I had done such a great job with exposure and with dragging OW through the courts, that she would turn on WH for not being there for her, seeing as she is alone in the dock and dealing with the mess he left her in. But i now realise I was lying to myself AGAIN. WH has always maintained a world-wide network of women who all believe he wants to marry them, or that they have true love that is only thwarted by circumstance (WH conveniently leaving the country/having work commitments that prevent him from travelling/some other reason that wouldn't stand up to proper scrutiny). It doesn't seem to matter how little he sees them, or how little attention or time he gives them, or the fact that they find themselves giving him money, he is manipulative and skilled enough to maintain their devotion over many many years. He did the same thing with me obviously, the one difference being that he actually married me - and entrusted me with all our joint assets and savings. So why am I surprised that OW is still devoted to him, despite the fact he left the country a year ago and hasn't been back?! I guess I just hoped that everything I had done, including taking so much of his income, would somehow have affected his enjoyment of life. But if he is still able to maintain his harems of women - and they think my and the children's existance is nothing to worry about - then I'm sure life is just great for him as it always has been. I have taken all his responsibility and daily annoyances away from him, leaving him to enjoy the single life without impediment. That makes me sad, hurt, and frustrated. I feel like he has just edited our entire marriage out of his life as if it never really happened. And OW believes that too.

Thanks a lot Markos. Yes, WH seems to be a master. Although I also think I am pre-disposed to being abused. I've spent this week getting my documentation in order to fight against my employer who has suspended me. Now that i am reviewing all my emails, I can see that they have actually been trying quite hard to get rid of me for 3 years - but I didn't notice! I just kept doing everything I was supposed to do, batting away all their attacks, totally oblivious to the grand plan which is so obvious in retorspect. I have the feeling I did the same thing with WH. Focusing on being the best wife I could be, getting more and more confused why strange things kept coming up, unable to see what was right in front of my eyes. I am a bit anxious that I might be so naive that it verges on stupidity.....

I have never heard of the stick figure thing!

How is it that you and OW are crossing paths in this way?

Predisposed to abuse? That has not been my read on you at all. You can't know this stuff until you know it. Wayward husbands put the bad stuff out of sight and put extra good stuff in your eyeline; are you supposed to distrust your own eyes?

We also tend to judge others by our own standards. Reasonable wives and reasonable employees assume that the husband/employer would just put their cards on the table for discussion; how else would anything get done!

You're not the one who is stupid. The people who set fire to perfectly good marriages/contractual agreements without even trying to be constructive are.

If you're really concerned about predisposition, ping Dr H an email; but please know that abusive tactics work on everyone.

When I went back to our previous country for the court date, I stayed the night with a couple who were good friends of ours for several years. The husband was out with WH every single friday evening for the duration of the time we were living there (8 years or so). The wife said to me: "But you KNEW he was like that!" in reference to WH. And it totally floored me. How could she have thought I knew? How would I have known? I was at home.

OW was visibly in shock.....i guess she is now starting to understand that a criminal trial is serious stuff....

But then it seemed as though her lawyer suddenly remembered that I check with her employer when he gives these kind of excuses, so by midday she had miraculously flown in from her "exam" in Cape Town and was available to sit in the dock. We'll all be back in court on July 24 for the defence testimony and cross examination. Feels like we just made a bit step towards justice!

Lawyers and OWs plan:

1) lie, lie, lie!
2) make excuses (see 1)

Done!

3) oh...wait. chalk checks up on lies, so make sure lie is uncheckable.

Redraft:

1) lie, lie, lie!
2) make excuses (see 1).

Done!

3) oh...wait. chalk checks up on lies, so make sure lie is uncheckable
4) um.......

OC is having an operation to remove his adenoids today. While getting pre-authorisation for the medical insurance (which WH is supposed to pay for), I found out that he has downgraded our plan so that the doctor doing the operation is not covered. I now have to pay for the whole thing in cash. And he hasn't sent his court-ordered maintenance at all this month so I am left with zero money and having to pay for an operation somehow. I guess this is just what waywards do, but it is so depressing to see someone behave like this to their child. And now I will have to go through more legal hoops to try to get the money back from him.

Yes textbook wayward behaviour. But when you do the asset division, you will be able to lob all this in there. OC's medical costs are not even marital, they are WH's personal responsibility. Do not let him know that this bothers you or he will up the ante.

This will backfire on him spectacularly. My XH cancelled my daughter's health insurance the night before she was due to have major surgery on her knee. She has refused to have anything to do with him since.