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Joined: Mar 2017
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Emarie Offline OP
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My husband recently told me that he was having an affair, that I was suspecting of anyways, with an older woman for the last 18 months. He told me he is in love with her, it was love at first sight, and he is not ready to give her up.
He tells me he loves me too and a part of him is still in love with me but he isn't ready to let me go either.
I am so lost and confused and I don't know what to do. The woman knows about me, she has the whole time.
I love my husband so much and we have a 5 year old son. I am lost at what to do. He won't leave her but doesn't want me to leave either. I feel stuck because I want my marriage to survive this but I feel hopeless. What can I do?

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So sorry that this is happening. You have found a good place to get information to bust up an affair and recover a marriage.

If you haven't done so already, read the thread at the top of this forum. It's called "start here first".


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Emarie Offline OP
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I'm not ready to expose him. I don't know if I agree with that. I just really want to know what to do.
I want him to choose me. I want him to leave her but I am terrified he wont.

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Not exposing the affair is a big strategic mistake. If you really want to know what to do to kill the affair and recover the marriage, expose the affair.

Is the OW married?


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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To expand on what army mama says; your husband right now has the best of both worlds and he will continue this as long as you allow it. He is getting some of his needs (perhaps domestic support) met by you and some of his needs (perhaps admiration) met by OW.

The problem with this is that it will break you. I have a friend who is in and out of mental hospitals as a result of her husband's infidelities over the years. Other women suffer physical health breakdowns. It does not take long. Dr Harley suggests only two weeks for women.

So you will suffer but he will be just fine. The affair will never end until you decide that it must end. Exposure is the first step because telling the world that you are not prepared to tolerate this situation is important information that everyone needs to hear including your children. Fighting for your marriage will not only earn you support, it will damage the affair, with any luck fatally. Most men dump the OW once they have to.

We know exactly what he has said to this woman about you and it is not nice. He has told her he cannot leave you because you are too weak and fragile. He has painted a picture of a loveless marriage with himself as the big hero. She is waiting for him because he has said that when you are stronger, he will be able to leave you.

By exposing the affair, you blow a massive hole in this fantasy. Weak and fragile? You must be joking. You also prevent him from later presenting her as the 'new' love that he only met after his divorce.

What you are doing now is dancing his dance. Change the steps and take control.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
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Originally Posted By: Emarie
I'm not ready to expose him. I don't know if I agree with that. I just really want to know what to do.
I want him to choose me. I want him to leave her but I am terrified he wont.

Welcome to MB.

Who is the OW?

Is she married? How did they meet?

Did you read the exposure thread?

Have you been tested for STD/STI?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: Emarie
I'm not ready to expose him. I don't know if I agree with that. I just really want to know what to do.
I want him to choose me. I want him to leave her but I am terrified he wont.


He has already chosen you......and the OW. He has chosen BOTH. What y you are doing serves to ENABLE him. He has no reason to end his affair if you will tolerate his affair.

We can't help you save your marriage if you choose to enable an affair. Nothing we tell you to do could overcome the damage of your enabling. You have to first decide to stop being an enabler.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Do not misunderstand. He IS in love with both of you. And he will NOT choose.

He is NOT trying to make up his mind. He is NOT making a decision. He wants both. He will never be "ready" to let go of either.

Its going to take one of you (you or OW) to make the decision for him. Your best bet is to run her off.

You do that by exposing the ugliness of the affair. You embarrass her. You make a stand that you and your family is the best choice.

If you are afraid of exposure, and you think you can persuade him into choosing you, you are very much mistaken. He will eat up that cake and still not leave her.

You have to run her off.

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Emarie, first let me say I am so sorry you are here. I am here newly too because my marriage is falling apart after a long time of fighting for my marriage in the aftermath of an affair.

I was like you, I tried to play nice. He "dumped" the OW many times and then I would discover they had reconnected. If they believe they are in love, they will not give up the cake easily.

I fought for SEVEN YEARS and she "accidentally" got pregnant in the middle of these years and gave birth to my H's child. Our family has paid over $80,000 in child support and expenses so far, money taken away from us and our child of marriage!

If you don't want this for yourself and your son, you need to be serious to put an end to this affair now. My daughter is forever scarred that her daddy had an illegitimate child with his mistress and she now has a half-sister by another mom.

Please read and respect the advice given by Dr. Harley. This is the best marriage and infidelity recovery advice I have found. It just came to me too late.


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