Do you have a medical reason for the hump shoulders? (i.e. scoliosis ...). If not, then this is a habit you can change. You will need to practice over and over until it is second nature to you to stand straight and tall.

Is this the complaint that is most important to her? Above everything else? You should find that out. Work on the top 3 complaints, because that is where you will get the most benefit from your effort.

I have told your wife, and now I am telling you, that since the two of you have a history of lovebusting, you should stick to the forms to make your complaints. Don't complain to each other face to face right now. Write down the complaints you have, and spend time editing them to remove emotion and any value judgements. Exchange your forms once a week, and spend the rest of your time in enjoyable conversation.

I'd like to unpick why you find this a love buster.

Is it that your wife uses words that you find insulting? For example, when she tries to get you to change your posture, does she say that you are lazy? Criticising you by using words like that would be wrong.

Is it that you find complaints in themselves love busters? If you wife says something like "give me some eye candy!" - an attempt to complain pleasantly, would you still find the complaint to be a love buster?

Do you find all complaints to be love busters? If so, why? Do you feel that your wife should be more accepting of you as you are?

Eye candy is definitely the most acceptable. She's not sure posture is in the top 3. I appreciate kind comments from her. That being said, the same comment can be helpful or hurtful, depending on how I'm feeling at the time.

Could you try and answer the specific questions I asked? I'm trying to find out whether you object to complaints per se. Are you willing to work on whatever complaints your wife makes? (Not when she complains disrespectfully - just complaints per se.) When she expresses dislike of something you do, do you see that expression as a love buster in and of itself? How do you feel about working to correct your annoying behaviour, in general?

If my questions annoy you, I'll stop.

I'd like to unpick why you find this a love buster.

Is it that your wife uses words that you find insulting? For example, when she tries to get you to change your posture, does she say that you are lazy? Criticising you by using words like that would be wrong.

Is it that you find complaints in themselves love busters? If you wife says something like "give me some eye candy!" - an attempt to complain pleasantly, would you still find the complaint to be a love buster?

Do you find all complaints to be love busters? If so, why? Do you feel that your wife should be more accepting of you as you are?

________________

Not all complaints are LBs. Very dependent on the wording. Pleasant is fine. I don't think she "should" be more accepting, but it would be great if she was! I accept that different things are annoying to different people i.e. what doesn't annoy me at all can greatly annoy her.

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And by the way, Sugarcane, you are not annoying me. Thanks for your time and effort. It is most appreciated!

Do you understand the concept of the love bank?

What do you understand would happen to your wife's love bank if she were more accepting of things about you that she finds annoying?

Yes, I understand the love bank. That's why I don't think she "should" change. I know if it's a love buster for her, then it is, no matter how I may feel.

Well, from that understanding, are you willing to work until you have stopped doing the things she complains about?

To the best of my ability. I am 63 and genetically predisposed to rounded shoulders but I can and will try to sit up better. I will also try to be more accepting of her "reminders"

You see, it sounds from this as if her pointing out that your posture is a love buster annoys you. You say that " she love busts me when she points out that my posture is bad."

The fact that you refer to what you see as your genetic predisposition to bad posture suggests that you think she should leave you alone on this, because you are genetically predisposed to your posture and can do nothing about it. It sounds as if you think she is being unfair to complain about something that is genetic, and not your choice. Is that an accurate assessment? Have you generally felt that she should stop complaining about this, because you believe there is little or nothing you can do about it?

Have you so far tried to correct this to the best of your ability? have you so far assiduously worked on correcting your posture, all the time?

Not ''all'' the time. Not even most of the time. We are talking here and feel we have more important things right now. Gong to work on this but enough said on this issue for now. Thanks

The top 3 love busters, SD, DJ, and AO are our main issues. We really want and need to stop them. We need a sign for each other to cut these off immediately. Any tips on how to do that without hurting each other?

I'd like to point out that , in fact, I'm not actually dealing with the issue of your posture. I'm dealing with the issue of how you respond to your wife's complaints.

What I've seen since your wife first came here is that she has complaints about things that are affecting her feelings for you. It is both the issues themselves that make her unhappy, but also, and perhaps more importantly, the way you respond to her complaints. My understanding is that often you attempt to negate her complaints by sending the rejoinder that she isn't perfect, either. Sometimes you tell her words to the effect that she needs to grow up, which is how you responded yesterday about the mother-in-law issue; sometimes that she should be grateful for what is good about you.

Your responses have been making her unhappy. The complaint she came here with yesterday showed that she felt worn out and despondent at your refusal to respond positively to issues that she brings up; yesterday, it was the issue of how you do or do not support her when your mother is rude to her.

You blazed in here, really angry at her complaint, and put it off limits for discussion. Do you do this in person with her - react so angrily that she realises that she'd better shut up about the issue?

I was shut down when I posted to you before, and it is apparent that, although some areas of your marriage have improved, the issue of how you respond when your wife tells you she is unhappy about something has not improved very much, if at all.

If a husband shows his wife that he is annoyed at her annoyance, and that he is not willing to do much, if anything, to improve as a response to her complaint, it makes the wife feel unhappy with the marriage.

Responding positively to a spouse's complaints is a way of eliminating love busters, which has a positive effect on how much she loves you - the love bank balance. Responding by working assiduously to eliminate the source of the complaint is the way to create a happy marriage for yourself. If a spouse bullies (for that's what it is) the other spouse into submission about their complaints, the feelings of complaint and dislike do not go away. They simply create resentment that has a terrible effect on the happiness of both.

Prisca gave you the very best advice on how to avoid those 3 love busters:

She was talking about complaints here, but you need to apply the same advice to ANY situation that gives rise to those love busters.

For example, if you need to discuss an "issue" such as attending a family event where your mother will be there, you know that this is going to be contentious, and is likely to end with angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements. You need to discuss the problem by email, editing your words carefully to make sure you don't tell your wife to deal with the issue "maturely", or that she bears a responsibility to make the best of the situation. First, she doesn't bear any such responsibility, and second, for you to tell her how to feel or behave, especially when you imply that she needs to grow up and suck it up, is condescending and disrespectful. Don't say that to her face, and don't say it in writing!

Ultimately, angry outbursts need to be dealt with by self-control. You need to learn to calm down in the face of annoyance, and relax. Have we spoken to you about anger management techniques yet?

During the argument about going to the family gathering, did you tell your wife she needs professional help?

If so, what kind of professional help do you think she needs, and what for?

Have you been telling her this for years?

When I referred to getting help, I was referring to how she handles stress. She became very stressed as soon as she found out that our son invited MIL to his house. A couple of hours later she brought this up to me. I said MIL would only be there for about an hour and that most likely, there would be no issues. We POJAed without too many love busters and I assured her that I would be at her side if anything happened. That was the end of that. The problems with the DJs and AOs happened later. I thought things were resolved but we didn't let it go and move on. One thing led to another to create a very stressful evening and night. Neither one of us can recall why things got so bad but they did. I am very concerned about her stress level. She has health issues that are compounded by stress. I at no time during this event told her to suck it up or to grow up. I did say she need to seek help to handle her stress because it is so harmful to her health and to our marriage. She hears grow up and suck it up. That's not what I said. She blames me for the stress. Any time I have suggested help to her it was always for handling stress. I never asked her to "change" because I wanted her to. I have said that I know I can't change her and that she is the only one who can change. She says many times that it is impossible for her to change and that she shouldn't have to change. That is her option, I know but it is very hard on her health and our marriage. The way things affect her at times is scary to me for her health. I've suggested to her for years she had physical health issues and that I wished she would seek help. Finally she was diagnosed with B12 deficiency and later RA. She is finally being treated. I did not tell her to suck up those issues and I am not telling her to suck up her stress issue. I'm saying that when an issue come that stresses her it is harmful to her and if it results in where we are now to our marriage also. I really admit that I don't always say things in the right way. We have an appointment we have to attend to. Thanks for any insights you have

Bariguy, I can tell you from experience that if I told my wife she needed to get help to learn how to manage stress better, she would feel very disrespected.

Bariguy, I can tell you what happened here and how you can avoid this in the future.[in addition to avoiding lovebusters] When you and your wife found out your son had invited the MIL to the house, the solution was to un-invite her or find a way to have her over about which your wife was enthusiastic. I suspect there was no condition that would make your wife enthusiastic. Your wife probably RELUCTANTLY agreed, which is always a mistake. ALWAYS. Just know this simple truth: your marriage will pay dearly for every reluctant agreement so you should avoid them at all cost. Getting your way at her expense, and vice versa, will always cause great damage to your marriage.


Win/lose decisions always lead to resentment. Sure, you have to learn to eliminate lovebusters, but you also need to eliminate completely unnecessary stressful situations by using the POJA: never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse.


It is important to start using the POJA and avoid any situation that causes her stress. As you have observed, the stress is very hard on her health. So stop putting her in stressful situations. The POJA is an amazing stress reducer in marriage.

And Mrs Bari needs to avoid reluctant agreements at all cost. My husband has a lot of anxiety about having company over, so we always carefully observe the POJA. NEVER do I force reluctant agreements on him. You are right that stress that can cause health problems, my H had a heart attack in 2007 because of stress.