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Klv1981 Offline OP
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Hello, I am new to this forum. A little background...I am divorced and remarried. My first marriage I was with my husband for 7 years, and had 3 children. He had an affair when I was pregnant with our 3rd child, and was not willing to work on our marriage. After a year I got tired of waiting. I moved on. He is pretty much a deadbeat dad now. I remarried 2 years larwe, to a man I had known for years, but never would have thought anything of him until he befriended me after my divorce. He was different. I felt an instant connection and trust for him. He had been through the same ordeal with his ex, and had 2 children. We married and now have 2 of our own children. I feel like maybe I am paranoid and afraid he will do the same to me like my ex husband. After the birth of our son, which was 5 months ago, he seems more distant, and we have sex less often bc he says he is tired. He is still very loving, and is not mean to me or critical. He cares for the kids very much and does a lot for them. He helps me out with all the housework and endures my night shift work at the hospital. I am just feeling more insecure after having our 2nd baby and when he sometimes says he is tired I just get worried that he no longer desires me. My ex husband used that excuse and was sleeping with the OW at that point. My current husband works at a restaurant as a kitchen manager and I know how free the staff can be with sexual comments and flirtation bc I used to be a waitress before I became a nurse. He tells me he doesn't flirt and he isnt interested in anyone other than me. Do you think I'm just being paranoid? I really don't know of many husbands who would turn their wife down due to being tired. It sounds like an excuse to me . at worst he is cheating. At best he is just tired of me which really scares me..I am not tired of him at all. I love him dearly. He is a wonderful person which is why I would be so hurt if he is no longer desiring me, it would hurt me so much.

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Welcome to MB.

Do you have any spyware on his devices? Have you checked his devices?

Do you work opposite shifts?


FWW/BW (me)
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2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Klv1981
I feel like maybe I am paranoid and afraid he will do the same to me like my ex husband. After the birth of our son, which was 5 months ago, he seems more distant, and we have sex less often bc he says he is tired. He is still very loving, and is not mean to me or critical. He cares for the kids very much and does a lot for them. He helps me out with all the housework and endures my night shift work at the hospital.

Hello KLV, welcome to Marriage Builders. A couple of things really stand out that make your marriage a high risk for an affair. The first is your opposing shift. Night shifts are a disaster for marriage. In order to maintain the romantic love in your marriage, you need to be spending several hours a day together. You need to go to bed at the same time and coordinate your lives. Otherwise, you will become little more than roommates and your marriage will fail. You are headed there right now. that is something that needs to be changed.

Secondly, we can't possibly know if your H is having an affair. Your current living situation is certainly high risk, but you need to quietly investigate and see what is happening.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Klv1981 Offline OP
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Hi, I dont have spyware on his devices..he leaves his phone out and I look through it. I havent seen anything to worry me at this point. I've checked computer history as well and nothing. His email is thru his phone...nothing there. He gives me his passwords as well. I work 2 overnight shifts a week. The other 5 nights we have from 4pm on together...and he has Mondays off completely. I think I am being paranoid, but I don't get his lack of desire at times. It isnt like we never have sex...probably 2 or 3 times a week. It used to be more like 4 or 5 times a week. I realize that is more than average for most people. Is it just because we have been together 6 years? We still do stuff together, we pretty much do everything together other than work lol, but he just can seem like he is distant or just too comfortable with me that he forgets to keep up and date me still. Kinda like he got lazy. Should I be worried? If he is cheating he is being an expert at deception bc he leaves his phone out all the time. And he is never late form work.

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I would put some spyware on his phone and see what you find. Once you rule out an affair, you can move onto other things, like testing his testosterone.

Also, most men do slow down somewhat the older they get. 2-3 times a week is pretty normal.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I can do that, I will look through his phone again and what else should I look for? I only work 2 nights a week...5 nights we are together. I can't switch to days until ive been working nights for at least a year in this position. We spend everyday together, he gets off work between 1pm and 4pm each day he works. He spends all his free time with me and the kids. Is this good?

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You need to put spyware on his devices and monitor it to see what is up. Also put a VAR where he would be talking.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Klv1981
I can do that, I will look through his phone again and what else should I look for? I only work 2 nights a week...5 nights we are together. I can't switch to days until ive been working nights for at least a year in this position. We spend everyday together, he gets off work between 1pm and 4pm each day he works. He spends all his free time with me and the kids. Is this good?

The way to maintain romantic love is to spend at least 15 hours per week - out of the house - meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. The best way to do this is to plan dates out of the house away from kids and family. Couples fall out of love around 5 years if they don't do this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Any suggestions for what spyware to use and what is VAR?

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Klv1981 Offline OP
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I don't think my husband will be willing to go out together 15 hours a week without the kids. He will be too tired. I know. This is why I think he will eventually cheat. He will think he isnt in love with me and will find it with another woman. He is lazy when it comes to showing me affection and spending quality time with me. I don't think he will ever change. When I try to talk to him, he blows me off by saying that my feelings are not rational and that I am feeling too much and that it isn't reality. He would rather watch tv and go to bed than take me somewhere and actually have fun with me. He is a good man, and has always provided for us and supported me while I was in school, and supports me now in the job thst I love (OB nursing), but he just doesnt see the importance of spending time alone. We go on dates maybe once every 3 or 4 months. Bad. I know. Yet he says he is still in love with me and that I am his everything in this world. I dont know. I feel as though I will end up leaving him if he won't listen and won't treat me how he did in the beginning.

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Originally Posted by Klv1981
Any suggestions for what spyware to use and what is VAR?
Here Recording Equipment


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Klv1981 Offline OP
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Hi everyone, I originally posted in surviving an affair bc at times I am afraid my husband is cheating or will cheat. But I think I am overly paranoid about that bc that is how my first marriage ended, with my husband cheating on me while I was pregnant with our 3rd child., adter 7 yesrs of marriage He didn't want to reconcile ans after a year of waiting for him I divorced him.

Then my current husband befriended me and we fell in love. He has never been married until me, and the mother of his 2 daughters cheated on him so we understood the pain and things we went through.

Now it has been 6 years that we have been together, married for 5. We have 2 small children. One is 4 and the othrr is 5 months. I just feel neglected. He is a good man, and I think my fears of him cheating are irrational. He doesnt hide hos phone, he shares his passwords. He is home from work on time.

He still shows affection and makes an effort to talk to me, but he is always too tired to go do anything with just the 2 of us. He never does anything special for me, he has less of a sex drive than he did in the beginning. I can feel a lack of desire. I am not unattractive. Nobody believes me when I tell them I am 35 with 5 kids. I just feel like he is tired of me, like I'm boring to him. (And I'm not boring...I have many things to talk about and do with him, but he is too tired.and I do more than average for sex just saying) I dont understand. I am a good wife. I am clean, I keep the house clean, I am a good mother. I take care of myself and my kids. I am a nurse and I love my job. I plan fun stuff for us to do as a family. He just doesn't see me anymore. I dont know wha5 I did wrong.

Last edited by Klv1981; 03/15/17 01:33 PM.
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Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.

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Klv1981 Offline OP
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Sorry, thanks.

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What spyware are you going to put on his devices? Did you look at a VAR yet?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Klv1981 Offline OP
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I looked at it. But I'm not sure how to get one without him knowing. I have to use cash and I cant order anything online or he will possibly get the mail before I do. I hope I can purchase something at a store. I think he senses that something is up with me, I have been aloof towards him bc of how he makes me feel. Now he is trying to show me attention, and asking me if I still love him.

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Originally Posted by Klv1981
I looked at it. But I'm not sure how to get one without him knowing. I have to use cash and I cant order anything online or he will possibly get the mail before I do. I hope I can purchase something at a store. I think he senses that something is up with me, I have been aloof towards him bc of how he makes me feel. Now he is trying to show me attention, and asking me if I still love him.
You should be able to buy one at Radio Shack.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.




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