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mommaelain #2896264 03/14/17 07:17 PM
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Do you use POJA at all? In your posts you always talk about what you want and we've mentioned many times to brainstorm with your Husband and you don't acknowledge that suggestion,

Do you discuss this lack of sex with your Husband? You can do all the dates, but they need to meet the 4 intimate needs. But you already know this, don't you?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2896266 03/14/17 07:29 PM
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That sure seems like a lot of togetherness.
Yeah? Your point being ...?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

NewEveryDay #2896279 03/15/17 07:58 AM
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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Have you reread the "conversation is boring " article lately? I'd love to hear what you think.

Thoughts on Conversation is Boring

I can relate to the everything you do or say feels the same, but not the defensiveness part. I guess I disagree with Dr. Harley in the fact that my husband is pretty straightforward and I feel like I know about him. We have always thought alike. We picked out the same china when we were married. We have the exact same mindset about giving and I cannot tell you how many times we will say, "Yep, that is the exact number I was thinking." I know what gets on his nerves. I know what he loves. I'm not sure he knows the same thing about me. I'm a little more closed about myself.

You need to find yourself interested in each other's favorite subjects. For him that would be guns, investing, fixing an appliance, etc Yawn. For me that would be my students ( yawn for him), stuff going on at school ( Yawn), the coolest way I found to teach a topic... I guess we just need to POJA other topics. I'm not quite sure how you do this in a way that doesn't hurt the other person's feelings. Hey sweetie, I'm so bored right now. Let's figue out something to talk about that I like... YUCK. He doesn't have the same need for stimulating convesation. He has told me many times hwo glad he is that he can talk to me about anything and how well I listen... So any tips on exactly how the conversation should go would be appreciated.

Balancing. We do pretty well. Occasionally he'll talk more if something is going on at work or I will talk more. But overall, it is pretty balanced.

Undivided attention. We do fine with this when we talk. We don't really watch television. That said, I can tell his mind is starting to wonder if I am prattling on about kids at school, so I just shut up and try to ask him a question instead. But my school stuff is what really excites me. I am having to juggle so many things and learning so many things. It is invigorating. After having stayed home for 20 years, it is great to get my brain going again. It is only part time, but it sure has been nice.

Enemies

Using conversation to force your way of thinking. Not done.

Dwelling on mistakes past or present. Neither of us criticize each other. In fact, he has gotten so good at saying thank you for little things I do.

Using conversation to punish each other- Oh my goodness. Never. We go out of our way to not hurt each other and each apologize if we get remotely snippy or something.




BrainHurts #2896280 03/15/17 08:04 AM
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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Do you use POJA at all? In your posts you always talk about what you want and we've mentioned many times to brainstorm with your Husband and you don't acknowledge that suggestion,

Do you discuss this lack of sex with your Husband? You can do all the dates, but they need to meet the 4 intimate needs. But you already know this, don't you?

I've asked him about the dates. He told me whatever I wanted to do would be fine. I told him I wanted him to enjoy it as well. He told me he would enjoy just sitting at home with me and he didn't really care. He knew that going out was important to me, so he would do whatever I would like.

As far as sex, I don't have a clue how to discuss this without hurting his feelings. He already struggles with having to only work half time and feeling like less of a man. I don't want to make it worse.

mommaelain #2896281 03/15/17 08:18 AM
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Have you tried saying "I'd love it if you..." or "I love it when you..." that has been helping me a lot because I have a hard time asking for things when I'm tired or overwhelmed.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2896282 03/15/17 08:22 AM
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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Have you tried saying "I'd love it if you..." or "I love it when you..." that has been helping me a lot because I have a hard time asking for things when I'm tired or overwhelmed.

Great idea. I love that. I will use that.

mommaelain #2896283 03/15/17 08:31 AM
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Originally Posted by mommaelain
You need to find yourself interested in each other's favorite subjects. For him that would be guns, investing, fixing an appliance, etc Yawn. For me that would be my students ( yawn for him), stuff going on at school ( Yawn), the coolest way I found to teach a topic... I guess we just need to POJA other topics.


Yup you need to find other topics. Just bring up subjects until he lights up. For example, we spent many happy evenings last winter discussing where we would go on holiday. I got some books and read them. Then I would tell him about my findings and he would give me feedback on what would and what would not work for him.

Same thing with the dates. Keep trying different things.

The goal in both cases is to find things that engage both of you. The beauty of this approach is that it will take both of you into new areas. Right now we are attending a seminar on Wordsworth. Not something I would have even thought of suggesting!


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Prisca #2896287 03/15/17 10:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
That sure seems like a lot of togetherness.
Yeah? Your point being ...?
Could you please answer this?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



mommaelain #2896288 03/15/17 10:07 AM
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Originally Posted by mommaelain
Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Have you tried saying "I'd love it if you..." or "I love it when you..." that has been helping me a lot because I have a hard time asking for things when I'm tired or overwhelmed.

Great idea. I love that. I will use that.
Have you read His Needs, Her Needs?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2896295 03/15/17 10:30 AM
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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
That sure seems like a lot of togetherness.
Yeah? Your point being ...?
Could you please answer this?

I just feel smotherered mayber. Always having to smile. Making myself interact. Rather than at school where I can just be free, laugh, etc. When we were first married, he made me laugh all the time and he laughed all the time. Life has just worn him down. It is hard to be the upbeat one all the time or most of the time. At school, I can think of something other than chores to be done and chronic illness and whether this treatment will work or that one, etc.

BrainHurts #2896296 03/15/17 10:39 AM
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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by mommaelain
Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Have you tried saying "I'd love it if you..." or "I love it when you..." that has been helping me a lot because I have a hard time asking for things when I'm tired or overwhelmed.

Great idea. I love that. I will use that.
Have you read His Needs, Her Needs?

No, just this website.

mommaelain #2896312 03/15/17 11:39 AM
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I suggest you take minivacations during breaks in the school year and you also take long vacations together in the summer when you're off school. Go on an adventure and reinvent a life with new common interests. Instead of growing apart, grow together. But you have to break through the mundane routines that are currently in place.

If you like to go on walks do the el camino de santiago. Or hike the Pacific Crest Trail. Find something new to do and do it. Make it a goal to try something new every month. Could be small or it could be bold. But just do it.



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We took a long weekend in January and rented a cabin. We are taking another long weekend in May to go camping and fishing. We have a two week vacation in July reserved as well. I know this doesn't count, but we are also doing charity work for a week together in June.

mommaelain #2896318 03/15/17 01:31 PM
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I think the real problem is that you re here trying to solve this problem by yourself. You are trying to see how you can use MB by stealth in your marriage, but the work actually needs to be done by your husband, and that means it can't be done by stealth.

He is the one with the wife who is bored and does not feel romantic love for him. You seem to have a life separate from him that you enjoy reasonably well, but carving out a life for yourself does not solve your problem, because if it did, you would not keep coming back here with the same issue. You've got a job, and widened your activities in recent years, but those things do not compensate for a dull marriage.

And neither should they; you have tried to solve your problem by finding your own happiness, but it doesn't work. People who are married have the right to expect that their marriage will be the most fulfilling part of their lives, and that other aspects of their lives are successful because of their successful marriage. People shouldn't have to find fulfilment by looking outside of their marriage.

You once said that your husband is not enthusiastic about MB, and finds part of it rather silly. I think that's the real problem; he does not see the extent of your unhappiness, or perhaps he does not see that it is his role to fix it.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
SugarCane #2896352 03/15/17 06:39 PM
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Originally Posted by SugarCane
I think the real problem is that you re here trying to solve this problem by yourself. You are trying to see how you can use MB by stealth in your marriage, but the work actually needs to be done by your husband, and that means it can't be done by stealth.

He is the one with the wife who is bored and does not feel romantic love for him. You seem to have a life separate from him that you enjoy reasonably well, but carving out a life for yourself does not solve your problem, because if it did, you would not keep coming back here with the same issue. You've got a job, and widened your activities in recent years, but those things do not compensate for a dull marriage.

And neither should they; you have tried to solve your problem by finding your own happiness, but it doesn't work. People who are married have the right to expect that their marriage will be the most fulfilling part of their lives, and that other aspects of their lives are successful because of their successful marriage. People shouldn't have to find fulfilment by looking outside of their marriage.

You once said that your husband is not enthusiastic about MB, and finds part of it rather silly. I think that's the real problem; he does not see the extent of your unhappiness, or perhaps he does not see that it is his role to fix it.
^^^ Excellent post!!

And I also don't understand why you can't involve your Husband and POJA the sex issue?? If you're as close as you say you are you'd think he would jump at the chance to make you happy and give you the romance you desire and deserve??

I know I've suggested this many times to you before, but why not write Dr. Harley to the show?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2896398 03/16/17 10:41 PM
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How old is your husband?

What is this chronic illness he has? Is it physically disabling or lead to exhaustion?

Has your husband had his vitamin D checked? Some men are low and it impacts their emotional health and energy levels.

Has your husband had his testosterone levels checked? Some men when they get older have a huge drop in testosterone which can impact their sexual drive or desire for sex.

Does your husband respond to flirting?

The poja would be a good idea. Come up with a list of ideas and ask him would you rather do this or would you rather do that. As y'all do different things together you can find his preferences.

Melody suggests starting to practice POJA skills at the grocery store in the produce section smile


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

mommaelain #2896811 03/28/17 12:54 PM
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If you read the concept of the Love Bank, it would seem that your balance is in the red. Your husband may feel the same way.

The advice to spend more undivided attention together is so that you will meet each other Emotional Needs and start making Love Bank deposits. At first it will seem like going through the motions...but that is because if your balance is -50 and your DH deposits 10 you are still at -40..still not feeling in love until your balance is positive.

The advice to spend so much time together is to refill the balance quickly...just like you did when you first met and fell in love.

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Originally Posted by kilted_thrower
How old is your husband?
55

What is this chronic illness he has? Is it physically disabling or lead to exhaustion?
Rather not get specific on a public forum.
Has your husband had his vitamin D checked? Some men are low and it impacts their emotional health and energy levels.

Has your husband had his testosterone levels checked? Some men when they get older have a huge drop in testosterone which can impact their sexual drive or desire for sex.
He is in perfect health: testosterone levels good, vitamin levels good, low cholesterol and blood pressure, below average weight, good fitness level. They had never seen anyone as healthy in ICU.
Does your husband respond to flirting?

The poja would be a good idea. Come up with a list of ideas and ask him would you rather do this or would you rather do that. As y'all do different things together you can find his preferences.See we have the same values and interests so we make decisions pretty easily. Sex is the one thing we just don't talk about much. When I have brought up a few things, simple things like a fantasy I have, he gets defensive thinking he is a failure. This health issue has hit his self-esteem so much that I don't want him to feel like a failure in this area also.

Melody suggests starting to practice POJA skills at the grocery store in the produce section smile

All of that to say, it has gotten somewhat better. He really is making an effort, but when you feel that bad 24/7.... heck if I had what he had I wouldn't feel like having sex either. I'm not sure I could make myself feeling like he does.

I just miss feeling wanted and swept off my feet. Enduring love, appreciation, yes I have that. That is probably more important anyway. There is no one I trust more or deeply care about.

Last edited by mommaelain; 03/28/17 03:10 PM.
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Originally Posted by kilted_thrower
Melody suggests starting to practice POJA skills at the grocery store in the produce section smile

rotflmao WHATEVER!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


BrainHurts #2896826 03/28/17 11:19 PM
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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
I know I've suggested this many times to you before, but why not write Dr. Harley to the show?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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