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Hello,

My name is Valter and I'm from Portugal. Six months ago I found out that my wife was having an affair with a colleague from work.

After the initial chock, I asked my wife if we could try to save our marriage. She thought about it for a couple of days but told me that she could not live without he lover. So we decided to separate ourselves.

However when she told her parents, they talked with her and pressured her to stay in the marriage with me and our 2 children, which she did. However several weeks later I discovered she went to meet the other man again and other episodes like this occurred (being together or sending messages to each other) several other times during the next few months.

She finally agreed with me to start counseling. However our counselor women is still having us making separate sessions. The reason for this is that the counselor feels my wife is still very undecided about staying in our marriage.

The last episode was last week when I found that she had made a reservation on an apartment for her and our children, so that she could move out of our house. Moreover she asked the other man to help her with money for the down payment for the apartment.

We had a fight and basically I told her that if you want to leave then you should leave at once.

Again, her parents pressured her to reconsider and stay in our marriage.

I bought your 2 books �Surviving and Affair� and �His Needs, Her Needs� and have read them. I have tried over the past 3 months to talk more with my wife and be more supportive at home. She says (and the counselor also says) she does not see anything wrong with my behavior and she sees I am making an effort to save our marriage.

I ordered a second version of �His Needs, Her Needs� in Portuguese, and asked her to read it, so that we could go through it together.

However she says that my efforts to be nice to her, or things like me asking her to read the �His Needs, Her Needs� book, make her feel pressured and that led to her wanting to leave the house � to have time to herself and to think.

I think she still thinks about him, probably a lot. And she has only not yet left our marriage due to her parents pressure and shame/guilt.

I feel lost, alone, hopeless and almost in a twilight zone because I try to make the best for her, but it bounces back. It�s almost as if I do nothing, she leaves. If I try to please her, I pressure her out. Looks like a loose-loose situation.

Can you give me any advise?

Thank you and sorry for my English.
Valter

Last edited by vmcduarte; 03/21/17 01:20 PM.
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Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

You're WW (wayward wife) is still in an affair and you need to kill the affair. Yes she's still in love with the (other man).

You need to read Surving an Affair.

Have you read the exposure thread?

Is the OM married?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Do her parents know all about the affair? Have you exposed the affair to your parents, the OM's family and friends?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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From what I discovered the OM was married but got divorced after they started the affair.

I have exposed the affair to my wife's parents last week.

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Have you read this? Exposure 101

You need to follow the exposure thread and expose to OM's BW and the other families lined out in the exposure thread.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Have you exposed to your children? How old are they?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by vmcduarte
From what I discovered the OM was married but got divorced after they started the affair.

I have exposed the affair to my wife's parents last week.

I would strongly suggest you expose the affair to everyone, starting with the OM's wife. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so getting the news out - without warning her - will help your marriage. Please read the thread linked in my signature.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I exposed the affair to my wife's parents last week.

Our children and 2 and 4 years old so I don't think it makes any sense since they are too small.

I did not tell my part of the family. Only that we are having troubles. The reason for that is that my parents have little influence on my wife and I would prefer that they do not resent my wife for the rest of their lives, in case we can save our marriage.

The other man's family, I simply don't know them...

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Exposure brings their dark secret to the light of day, and your WW and the POSM will be challenged once that happens. Exposure is your best shot at killing the affair. Your number one task is to kill the affair, and FULL exposure is your best weapon. Dr. Harley says exposure is the best tactic a betrayed spouse can use in the case of infidelity. You see, you will never make any progress recovering your marriage until the affair has been exposed, weakened, and ultimately killed. Killing the affair is your first and primary objective.

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Your letter was on the show today!

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Originally Posted by vmcduarte
I exposed the affair to my wife's parents last week.

Our children and 2 and 4 years old so I don't think it makes any sense since they are too small.

I did not tell my part of the family. Only that we are having troubles. The reason for that is that my parents have little influence on my wife and I would prefer that they do not resent my wife for the rest of their lives, in case we can save our marriage.

The other man's family, I simply don't know them...

So this is where you need to start. Get ahold of the OM's wife and family. You have to find out who they are. Go to his house, look up his contacts on facebook.

You should also expose this to your family. You need their support. Of course, they will resent her terrible behavior. But that is a result of her horrible behavior and can be turned around.

Dr Harley also says to expose to the workplace.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Another thing you can do is ask her parents to go with you to the OM's house and have a chat with the OM and his wife. Your parents can tell him to BEAT IT and that he will never be welcomed into their family.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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As a mother of a grown son, you would be in BIG TROUBLE if you didn't tell me the truth. Your mother will find out and she will resent YOU if you don't tell her. So you had better tell your family.

And you don't want to have a pretend separation in the house, it is crazytown.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Hello,

I started another post before, but I feel the need to rewrite the complete story, to ask for help, because it all seems confusing for me and quite frankly helpless. Maybe someone can help me seeing a light in the end of this tunnel:


1) THE BEGINNING

Six months ago I found out that my wife was having an affair with a colleague from work.

After the initial chock, I asked my wife if we could try to save our marriage. She thought about it for a few days but told me that she was in love with him and could not live without her lover. So we decided to separate ourselves.

The next day she told her parents we were having problems in our marriage and were going to separate ourselves (she didn�t say the reason was she having an affair). They talked with her and pressured her to stay in the marriage with me and our 2 children, which she eventually did.


2) THE AFFAIR CONTINUES

However several weeks later I discovered she went to meet the other man again and other episodes like this occurred (being together or sending messages to each other) several other times during the next few months.

I had to �swallow� all those episodes in order to maintain our family together. Especially for our 2 kids. I look at them and feel so sad if the �loose� their mom or dad..


3) PLAN A

When I first find out about my wife�s affair she told me she had been feeling unhappy in our marriage for some years now, mostly due to the fact that I didn�t talk enough with her and also because she felt some overload on the house tasks.

Both me and my wife are quiet persons. I always thought that was the way we were and it was ok for us. But she never told me that was an issue for her.

Moreover I had a very stressful job and when I came home at night I couldn�t �disconnect� from the job problems, so my mind would be thinking about the job at night. I didn�t want to bother my wife with my own problems so I kept them to myself. I thought I was making her and our marriage a favor by avoiding troubling her with my problems, but now I see I was pushing her away with that.

Also she complained that I didn�t help enough in the house. I am not one of those husbands that let her wife do 95% of homework and I would do 5%. It�s not that at all and she recognizes that. But honestly it was not 50%-50% either. Maybe it was 60%-40%. But she resented those 10% extra burden on her side of the house work.

After the shock, and after reading the books �Surviving an affair� and �His Needs, Her Needs�, I understood that conversation is a need for her. I also understood the house work unleveled distribution.

So I started talking much more with my wife. I looked at things that happened during my day and thought �I have to share this with my wife later at night�. Which I did.
I forced myself to get things to say and share to my wife.

Amazingly enough not only I do talk a lot more with her now, but I also miss having more conversions with her. I guess it moved on from being one of her needs to being also one of my needs.

So now I am the one who asks my wife to talk more to me. But she continues to talk little to me.

At home, I also fixed the tasks balance and my wife recognized it.

Also I started to occasionally buy her some flowers or some other small gestures to say �I love you�.

I also made arrangements to have our 2 kids with their parents one night a week to have time for us to be together.

I also convinced her to start counseling. However our counselor women is still having us making separate sessions. The reason for this is that the counselor feels my wife is still very undecided about staying in our marriage and without her making up her mind the counseling sessions should not be together.

I also ordered a second version of �His Needs, Her Needs� and asked her to read it, so that we could go through it together.


4) MY WIFE FEELS PRESSURED

Basically during the past 3 months I have been following Plan A and my wife acknowledges my efforts.

But all those efforts are not having the effect I wanted: win my wife�s love again.

She says she feels pressured and unhappy. That when I ask her to talk more to me, when I ask her to read the book, when I ask her to get time for the 2 of us, or when I make caring actions, like getting her flowers, etc, I am pressuring her.

My guess is she still has her mind and heart in the other man, and that is why she feels pressured and unhappy.


5) RENT ANOTHER APARTMENT

The last episode was 2 weeks ago when I found that she had made a reservation on an apartment for her and our children, so that she could move out of our house. She said she needed a place to be alone by herself and the children.

Moreover she asked the other man to help her with money for the down payment for the apartment.

We had a fight and basically I told her that if you want to leave then you should leave at once.

Again, when she told her parents she was moving out, they pressured her to reconsider and stay in our marriage, which she did for now.


6) EXPOSURE

Last week I had a conversation with her parents and told them about the affair. Her mother said something like �I didn�t know about the details but I guesses there was something more than what she told us�. Her father was very angry and made a sort of an ultimatum to my wife: �Either you do the right thing for your family and for my grandsons or you can stop calling me dad�.

I don�t know the other man nor his family. I found the facebook page of him and through that of his mother and sent her a message. However, I am not sure she read it until now (the facebook page does not seem to have much activity).


7) CURRENT STATE

Right now we are living together but the mood on the house is very heavy. This last event of the apartment was devastating.

I stopped counselling. It was going nowhere. At least counseling with that counselor.

My wife talks little to me and there is no kindness from her side.

I know the theory: keep playing the Plan A. Well it is simply to do in theory. But I lost faith and hope and willingness to keep making all effort by myself for nothing.

It is so unfair: she was the one having the affair and I have to swallow it and try to be nice to her, for what?! I don�t see regret, nor real sorry, nor a willingness and effort from her side to try to save our marriage.

I guess the only reason I have not yet thrown the towel is our kids. But I really think about it a lot!

If I ask my wife to go through the things that are needed to save our marriage (caring, talking, being together, etc), she says I am pressuring her so she wants to leave. If I let her alone we will each day be further emotionally dethatched�


8) HELP

Can anyone help me?

Last edited by vmcduarte; 03/29/17 07:40 AM.
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Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.

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Have you contacted OM's Mother and exposed to her? Not just through Facebook, but find her number and call her?

Who else from OM's Facebook page have you exposed to?

Is OM married?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Have you spoken to your doctor about ADs? Dr. Harley recommends them temporarily during this stressful time.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I managed to speak to the sister of the other man's mother through the internet.

And she told her sister (the other man's mother) yesterday. So now she knows about it.

I am trying to convince her to give me her phone number so that I can talk with his mother myself.

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Yes I am taking AD. Thanks

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Can please anyone who has gone through this please tell me how it happened with them.

I need to believe that it is possible that she does not feel any love to me now, but it is possible she can love me again in the future.

Because now I don't believe it...

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