Rrriigghhtttt.

Wow, ok. My travel was the cause? Rigghhtttt..

Please tell her TODAY so she is not stuck on a trip with you. She likely won't want to go, which is very understandable.

I am sorry, the cause is that she is a WITCH. Feel better now?

Will you please tell her today about your affair so she can make informed choices about her life?

Look, I realize you didn't set out to wreck your marriage and were only trying to support your family. Most of us are here because we unknowingly made mistakes. So please don't believe I think you are any worse than the rest of us.

But please listen to me when I say you are headed for the biggest mistake of your life. Your affair will not last. 95% of them never make it to marriage because they are based on deceit and selfishness. As soon as problems set in the relationship will go into a free fall. Affairs fall apart very quickly because of this. But lets say it does make it to marriage, it won't last long, but the damage you to do to your relationships with your daughters will last a lifetime. It is very doubtful that your daughters will a) have anything to do with your OW and b) will forgive you for what you did to their mother.

You are at a fork in the road and you can take a path to disaster or you can take a path to a romantic, passionate marriage with the mother of your children. The path you take will determine the last days of your life. [not withstanding your wife's decisions]

Please tell us what the real cause was of your affair.

Thank you, this is helpful.

SugarCane
I talked a lot about this with the MC, we focused on the cause. Our marriage was never one of great intimacy of feelings, and the counsellor feels that over the years, my perception is (right or wrong) my wife has shown I am not her priority and is not genuinely interested in the things that I need an emotional connection on. As a result, I stopped sharing these intimate feelings because I was afraid her response is just not genuine. We went through a number of examples. We were both missing the "emotional soft landing" that comes with the deeper kind of relationship. We have never really been in that place in our marriage. This is not news to me (and would not be to my wife) - the only serious arguments my wife and I ever had over 30 years of marriage was about my frustration with our marriage not being her priority. Apparently my wife is content with this relationship, while it conflicts in me.
When I first met the AP, there was an instant connection. We didn't start the affair until the fall, but this connection has stayed strong for 4 years.
I shared a few of the examples of my emotional rollercoaster during treatment. But it goes the other way too, for the good things that happen. The night before last, I was at a client dinner where my retirement was announced. I had a discussion with the client where they were explaining an exciting opportunity they would like me to consider. I was so excited about it. I came home (my wife was watching the hockey playoffs), and told her about it. She looked at me and said "Oh" and immediately went back to watching the hockey game. I shook my head and went upstairs. I texted the AP who was interested, asked questions, and was clearly excited for me.
So you see its not just the bad stuff she shares with me, and gives me her support on. its the good stuff too.
The MC is of the view the affair started when I was presented with an opportunity to have that emotional soft landing with another person.

Are you going to tell her about your affair TODAY, and give her the chance to decide what she wants to do with her life?

Are you going to tell her about your affair TODAY

Yes I am.

and give her the chance to decide what she wants to do with her life.

Yes, but I have concluded her life choices can no longer include me.

Not that this is either here nor there, but the MC doesn't have the slightest idea why your marriage is like this. It is obvious your wife has completely checked out and we know why. It is impossible to be in love with your lifestyle. We know your marriage is not a priority, your JOB is. Anything that comes before marriage will eventually come between you. It is ludicrous to expect you would have a "deeper" relationship when you live separate lives. But your "marriage counselor" does not understand this.

And I want to emphasize an important point, your "MC" has no earthly idea how to solve this problem. Nor does she understand the dynamics of an affair.

Divorce and adultery is epidemic in traveling careers, such as the airline industry and the military for this very reason.

Good deal!! Please send her here so we can help her.

Im not so sure about sending her here.

"the MC doesn't have the slightest idea why your marriage is like this. It is obvious your wife has completely checked out and we know why. It is impossible to be in love with your lifestyle. We know your marriage is not a priority, your JOB is. Anything that comes before marriage will eventually come between you. It is ludicrous to expect you would have a "deeper" relationship when you live separate lives. But your "marriage counselor" does not understand this. "

The sheer arrogance and narrow mindedness of this "advice" is staggering.

It is not "arrogant" to tell the truth.

OH. MY. GOD.

Are you for real???

I am ok if you believe I am arrogant, but you should know that marriage counselors have an 84% failure rate and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population.

I know why you like this marriage counselor, and it is the same reason most cheating spouses like marriage counselors: the MC has no earthly idea why they had an affair and as such, tends to validate the cheater's multitude of excuses for cheating. You find it very appealing that the ignorant MC blames your wife, because YOU blame your wife. It is like the alcoholic who blames their drinking on their job, spouse, etc, etc, etc. It is never their fault. That is a classic trait of a fogged out addict. CLASSIC.

Their advice is destructive to marriages. Most of the people here - most in happy romantic marriages today - experienced a bad marriaage counselor before they came here. That is the rule rather than the exception.

Marriage Builders was created by a psychologist who started off as a marriage counselor and discovered that marriage counselors everywhere were failing. [including himself] He felt like that it was unethical to take people's money and not help their marriage.

He quit his job and studied couples who were still in love after 20 years of marriage and created this program based on their traits. That is how he developed this program. He tested it on several couples before he went back into professional practice. As a result, he has one of the most successful marriage programs in the US.

In short, Marriage Builders is completely different from traditional marriage programs. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist and he understands how marriages work and more importantly, he understands why people have affairs. Marriage counselors do not.

Wow - Thats so impressive. Help abounds! I guess you have all the answers, which are clearly the same for every situation.

All other counsellors who have a different view than you are obviously dead wrong.

Good luck with that.

That is an interesting opinion coming from someone who has wrecked his own marriage and came here asking for advice. You came here asking for advice, we gave it. You are free to reject it. It's all the same to us.

1. To answer your question about whether you are in a fog or not, YES you are. Affairs cause the same chemical reactions as other addictive things, EVERY person in an affair is high on the addiction to some extent and therefore in a'fog' of irrational thinking.

2. You said you had followed the forum and thought highly of the advice, but all of a sudden you are trash talking some of the most experienced compassionate posters in here. Why do you think that is? [answer: the addictive affair fog is fighting hard to defend the addiction so you can feel good about continuing it, just like if you were an alcoholic and we were having an intervention]

3. You won't send your wife here because you want to maintain control over her and the situation.

4. If your wife was such an evil witch, why did you not divorce her instead of have an affair? Nobody would fault you for seeking divorce from a bad marriage.

One point of clarification is necessary. At no time did I refer to my wife as an evil witch. For the record, that was an unprofessional and unfortunate characterization from Marriage Builders. I do not think of her that way at all.

I think I have gotten all the benefit to be had from this site.

Thank you everyone.