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Just a quick question of the effects of EAs (particular for anyone that has been there)

Do they make the WS feel that they have lost the love for their BS?

Thanks in advance for any input.

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As in "I love you, but I'm not in love with you"? That statement is a very common indicator of an affair.


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Well yes, sort of. I mean, does the love really dissapear or is it their mind that is playing games with their emotions to make them "believe" that the love is gone (i don't know if my question makes sense)

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Typically, the love is gone, which makes the spouses vulnerable to an affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Ok thanks Melodylane, so the ones we read about that actually do return, don't do it because of current love, but because they think or hope that it can be restored?

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Originally Posted By: Bwhat
Ok thanks Melodylane, so the ones we read about that actually do return, don't do it because of current love, but because they think or hope that it can be restored?


Right. Most marriages are in bad shape by the time they are hit by an affair. The romantic love is gone and one of the partners is vulnerable to an affair because of that and poor boundaries.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Bwhat
Ok thanks Melodylane, so the ones we read about that actually do return, don't do it because of current love, but because they think or hope that it can be restored?


Often they don't return for love at all but because the affair has died a natural death and they realize that for some other non-love related reason they are better off with their spouse. It might be for the children or for financial reasons. Even if that's all it is, love can still be restored.

Do you have Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair? Do you have the app and are you listening to his radio show daily?

Can you tell us some details of your situation? How long married? Who is having the affair, and with who?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
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Thx for the reply Marcos, not much to see here. Divorced 6 months ago. Married 14 and together for 20+ years. XW is "officially" dating OM since appx early february. Three little kids (oldest is 9)

No recovery in sight, but I was just qurious wether the EA caused XW to fall out of love with me or the EA was a result of her falling out of love. (egg or chicken)

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Falling in and out of love is based on love bank balances, which come from deposits and withdrawals.

But if a person is receiving love bank deposits from somewhere else, the contrast effect will mean that the love bank deposits their own spouse is making will not count for very much.

That's why in order to not have an affair, everyone needs to take extraordinary precautions to avoid receiving love bank deposits from other people. Otherwise, even if their spouse is meeting their needs and they are in love, they can end up having an affair.

Met needs + extraordinary precautions = no affair
Unmet needs + extraordinary precautions = no affair
Unmet needs + no extraordinary precautions = affair
Met needs + no extraordinary precautions = affair


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
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If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted By: Bwhat
No recovery in sight, but I was just qurious wether the EA caused XW to fall out of love with me or the EA was a result of her falling out of love. (egg or chicken)

I think that, in order to answer that question, you'd need to know exactly how the affair started. Are you ever likely to know that now?

When it is a wife who has the affair, an affair usually starts because her love bank balance is low, in the way that markos described above. In that situation, it is very easy for a man - at work, for example, or a former boyfriend with whom she chats on social media, or the husband of a friend, or a man in the local neighbourhood committee - to show the woman attention that meets one or more of her most important emotional needs.

It could be that a man in her workplace shows an interest in her life and thoughts, and listens and asks the right questions when she talks, thus filling her need for intimate conversation. Since working people often spend more time with each other than they do awake with their spouses, workplace affairs are especially common, and easy to carry out.

The man at work, or at the pub or the gym, might show her that he finds her attractive; we had a poster on here whose wife started the affair when her fitness instructor complimented her on her new hair colour. That might sound trivial, but if her husband wasn't noticing her efforts to look nice, or wasn't complimenting her on them, then, in a dull marriage, someone else doing so can have a powerful effect.

It could be that another man shows an interest in the things that the wife is passionate about, from recreational activities (we've had many affairs that took place with running partners, karate trainers and hiking partners) to neighbourhood concerns; see how Sue, in the book Surviving an Affair (which I hope you have read), got involved with a man on the committee for the upkeep of the lake in their area.

The connection can be made very easily when the husband is not interested in the things that the wife is interested in, and the couple pursues their separate interests, and ends up living a significant portion of their lives separately. The connection can take root easily between work colleagues who spend long days together, and even more so if they take lunch together, have after-work drinks, or worse still, go away to conferences together.

However, we have known affairs where a spark takes root in a marriage that is otherwise good, where the love bank balance is not low at all. This is more likely to happen when the husband has the affair, as men are more likely to have affairs for sex (and there is no limit to the number of women a man can find sexy). The woman that the man is having the affair with probably began having it to get her needs for conversation, admiration and affection met (affection can encompass compliments, and gestures like flowers and cards), but the man having the affair quite likely learned to meet the woman's needs for conversation and admiration so that he could get his needs for sex met, with a woman that he found attractive.

So, there are typical patterns, and atypical patterns (for a married woman to hook up with a man in a car park just for sex, for example; that is highly atypical, but it has happened here, a few times), but they might or might not explain what happened with your wife's affair.

This does matter. The conditions that led to the affair - conditions in the sense of opportunity, and in the sense of love bank vulnerability - need to be understood if a marriage is to be secured against an affair in the future.

Even if there has never been an affair, a married couple needs to guard against affairs happening, by not doing things such as becoming friendly with someone from the opposite sex; going for coffee, or lunch, or sharing a car journey, with a colleague. But when there has been an affair, the particular circumstances need to be understood, so that the vulnerabilities in that particular marriage can be overcome.


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His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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markos, SugarKane, thanks for your input.

When I first read markos 4 scenarios I thought that no 4 was about right, but it is probably a combo of no 3 and 4. I'm sure my XW had no intentions of ever having an affair, and what she thought was friendship, turned out to be something else. She probably dont know what hit her. Eventually it must have been to late for her and she got into deep.

SugarKane, you are spot on with the man from the workplace. It IS a coworker (almost 20 years her senior) and he probably caught her off guard. I have no clue what a 60 year old dude wants with a mother of 3 small children (well.... maybe I do), and one day she probably realises that he never is going to live with her/them.

If I ever get a second shot or enter a new relationship I'll make sure to make plenty of deposits and make my woman promise to take extraordinary precautions.

Thanks for the link to the radioshow, I'm curious enough to check up on it.

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Originally Posted By: Bwhat
Thx for the reply Marcos, not much to see here. Divorced 6 months ago. Married 14 and together for 20+ years. XW is "officially" dating OM since appx early february. Three little kids (oldest is 9)


Bwhat, have you told your children about the affair? It's very important for them to know why the marriage ended.

Also, exposing the affair can help speed it on to end, which is probably a very good thing for your children. The OM is much more likely to be dangerous for them than their own father.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I haven't told them anything. Firstly they are too young to understand, and secondly I have no proof of anything going on before D, only a nagging suspicion. All the signs were there, but no bullitproof evidence.

And now that the relationship is out in the open, I'm just gonna look like a bitter old XH. Also, he treats them well i believe.

I'm gonna ride the storm for the famous 6 months and see what happens.

Thanks for replying, it is very helpful!

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How would a 9 year old be too young to understand? All of my children understood that married people aren't supposed to have another man or woman in their life long before age 9.

Dr. Harley recommends children as young as age 4 be told.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Ok thx, had no clue they would understand at that age. Well now I know why XW never admitted anything...

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Originally Posted By: Bwhat
Ok thx, had no clue they would understand at that age. Well now I know why XW never admitted anything...


Yes, it's nearly always the same story - once she falls in love with him, her belief is she'll replace her husband with him, but she doesn't want anyone to know they already had a relationship because that would look bad and put pressure on the affair.

Exposure puts a lot of pressure on the affair.

Even at this stage you want that - the man is surely no good for your kids. He may not be a predator or anything (although he might), but he has certainly shown tremendous disrespect to their mother and their father. He is the worst thing that ever happened to them.

The good news is the affair is most likely doomed - most of them are. But you'll help speed things along if you tell people about the affair.

Sure some idiots will think you're doing it because you're "bitter" or whatever, but it doesn't matter what people think. Exposure still helps hasten the end.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Read this and listen to the radio clips. Exposing to Children


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thanks, I really do appreciate your input. Also, thanks for the link on exposure to the children. Makes perfect sense now. I have an opportunity teach them a lifelong lesson here.

I have told people to do their own math when asked, but I have not "put up any billboards with the information, and I do not think I will either. Maybe nothing did happen pred-D and this guy could be an innocent rebound. He probably isnt, but then again, without proof, I have nothing. But you are right markos, he did in fact hurt the whole family including the kids, if something went on before D. No moral standards whatsoever (would people really do that to others for selfish reasons, for a couple of months of fun with a woman 20 years your junior?)

When the kids ask daddy why he will not be friends with their mummy (and they will some day), I will give them my honest reply.

If she would ever return, it literally has to be crawling, begging and desperate, because I would have to convince her to quit her job, which I think she actually loves more than she ever did me. Not only because he is there, but also because the working hours are incompatible with little children in the home. Puts too much workload on the parent at home alone with the kids leaving less energy for the spouse, and its difficult to deposit anything in the lovebank, when your spouse comes home from work after you went to sleep..

One more thing re exposure. If it is done hoping to bring the spouse back, I live in a small community, would it not be somewhat humiliating to take back a woman who left you to be with another man, 20 years her senior?

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Have you read this? Exposure 101 There are articles and radio clips of Dr. Harley explaining about exposure.


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WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: Bwhat
Thanks, I really do appreciate your input. Also, thanks for the link on exposure to the children. Makes perfect sense now. I have an opportunity teach them a lifelong lesson here.


Yes, exactly!

Also, they need to know that this guy is no friend and they need to be wary of him.

Quote:
When the kids ask daddy why he will not be friends with their mummy (and they will some day), I will give them my honest reply.


One thing you should tell them is that infidelity is the most painful thing one human being can do to another. That is why it is wrong. Tell them that seeing the woman who did this to you hurts too much.

Quote:
If she would ever return, it literally has to be crawling, begging and desperate,


Very few unfaithful wives return to a marriage that way, but Dr. Harley is still able to help such couples achieve a happy result when that is what they want.

Quote:
One more thing re exposure. If it is done hoping to bring the spouse back, I live in a small community, would it not be somewhat humiliating to take back a woman who left you to be with another man, 20 years her senior?


That's all up to you - everyone here and Dr. Harley himself will tell you that when your spouse has been unfaithful, you are perfectly within your rights to not recover the marriage with them.

If the opportunity does present itself and you want to recover, you'll both have to do a lot of things that won't seem easy at first, and you might need to move out of that town.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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