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However, it sounds like you're not really here to listen to Dr Harley's advice and are rather reciting your plans and ideas to us.

This is very fixable but not when you dismiss pretty important EPs. Every time I see couples here who do that and make similar excuses as what I am seeing on this thread get burned and hit by the train, again.

Don't say that we didn't warn you.


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Originally Posted by BetrayedHeart
I've thought of this. And oddly, I'm more about getting my ducks in a row while I also peek over his shoulder several times a day. He says he's done. Says he's relieved. Do I believe it? Not taking his word for it, that's for sure.

I hope that you have the poly planned before this week is out.

It is tough for me to read so many similar thoughts as I had before I found this site. From what you have said to us, it seems that your hubby is trying. But words and wishes don't cut it when recovering from an affair. frown

Have you found this thread yet? False Recoveries


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How many people have I worked with who recovered from affairs? None. How many people have I known who have recovered from them? A few. None of those quit their jobs, moved to a new town/state and refused to every spend another night apart. Yes, they did make sacrifices and limited exposure.

We trust our therapist. Under her guidance, we also use a lot of the info here. Just because under our counselor's guidence we have added things like core values and asked to look inward doesn't mean we are not committed.

I'm not schooling you, I'm telling you how WE are doing it. That this is how is for US. Not you. I never said that YOU should do anything, have I? Explicitly, when did I ever say YOU should do something? I repeat, I said this is what we are adding. That isn't me telling you that you're wrong. I'm free to disagree. You're free to disagree.

I bow out because it seems that unless my husband quits his job - even though we cannot financially afford to do so, and that he tells his boss and his clients that his email and number are changed due to an affair, and we live in a world where we cannot ever speak of what has been traumatic, and we cannot risk turning on the TV or radio or step foot into anyplace where someone might have a nametag of the affair partner, then no. I choose NOT to do those things.

Can he turn his audio off or delete the spyware? Sure. But if he's going to be that deceitful, we're done and he agrees. We don't want a life where I'm forever spying on him and yet we can't talk reasonably and calmly.

Telling me that I'm hammering him all the time isn't true. Are you here? No. Then you can't say that.

I'm distraught enough. Delete the post or my account or whatever. We clearly are not compatible. That's fine. Moving on.


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BH, I understand these precautions seem very rigid, but they truly are the key to marital recovery. Dr Harley has specialized in recovery from infidelity for 50 years and that checklist was created from years of successful experience saving marriages. You simply can't cut corners with recovery from infidelity; the cost is too great. The people who don't follow these precautions subject themselves to 7 levels of hell when they go through a false recovery. Going through an affair is the most painful thing one can endure; going through a false recovery is 10x worse.

if your "counselor" gives you advice that is counter to these suggestions, she is giving you bad advice, PERIOD. I know you don't want to hear that, but it is true. Marriage counselors, as a rule, know absolutely nothing about recovery from an affair and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population.

Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and author of Surviving an Affair wrote:
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"The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide."

"Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details." here


Just know that we truly do care and will be here to help you in the future. Best of luck to you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by BetrayedHeart
How many people have I worked with who recovered from affairs? None. How many people have I known who have recovered from them? A few.

But your idea of recovery is that the stain never really goes away. The recovery plan that is offered here is complete recovery, and it works. In our experience and Dr. Harley's experience, if couples don't get complete recovery, the marriage usually languishes and eventually dies.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by BetrayedHeart
Can he turn his audio off or delete the spyware? Sure. But if he's going to be that deceitful, we're done and he agrees. We don't want a life where I'm forever spying on him and yet we can't talk reasonably and calmly.

Many posters have this kind of reaction to the "uncomfortable" parts of MB and don't want to bothered with such measures but then often have a change of heart when they get burned again.

I've always thought that BS's are so quick to dismiss these EPs and express outrage over doing something so "radical" and that they "would just prefer to divorce" (yup, we see that all the time here) largely because they believe their BS won't hurt them again...the WS is acting remorseful, denouncing the OP, etc.

Your WH had an 11-year EA with this woman and isn't going to change the conditions that led to the affair being carried out all this time (travel, same email, etc) I can't emphasize it enough, you ARE going to get burned again.

Hear me now, believe me later...


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Originally Posted by BetrayedHeart
I'm not schooling you, I'm telling you how WE are doing it. That this is how is for US. Not you. I never said that YOU should do anything, have I? Explicitly, when did I ever say YOU should do something?

Sorry for your frustration. But this forum for posters who are wanting to implement MB into their marriage. That's why it tells you in the "Guidance Forum" entrance that posters should be familiar with MB before posting.

We, as fellow posters, are here to encourage others to fully implement the program because cherry picking does not work. Not only does Dr Harley say that the path to recovery is narrow, but most of us have experienced that firsthand or by reading stories here.

It's not a forum for posters to tell us how their own recovery plan will differ from Dr Harley's. That would end up wasting our volunteers' time and end up leading to endless debates and frustration for everyone.


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Quote
We trust our therapist. Under her guidance, we also use a lot of the info here. Just because under our counselor's guidence we have added things like core values and asked to look inward doesn't mean we are not committed.
We offer something better. Your current plan will, as you say, leave a "stain" of the affair in your mind. Ours removes that stain completely and replaces it with a fresh, new, better than you can imagine marriage.

With your plan, you will always have to wonder. Every time he leaves on a trip, it will be like a knife to your brain. You will always have to be checking up on him. There will always be doubt. With our plan, that doubt is removed completely.

You will always be welcome to come back. Best wishes.


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I agree with the others, you're welcome back. I know this was posted to you before, but I strongly recommend for you to read this.
False recovery need voices of experience


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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
I agree with the others, you're welcome back. I know this was posted to you before, but I strongly recommend for you to read this.
False recovery need voices of experience

Yes - this is a good one!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I am sorry you are in such pain, betrayed. We are not trying to cause you more, we are trying to cause you less. I know it is hard to hear that to fully recover you need to change so many things about your life. I remember the time when I was so angry about betrayal and then thinking about having to change my life around because of it made me even more angry! Unfortunately, you will not recover without it, I am sorry frown

We all would LOVE for you to prove us wrong, and come back in 5 years fully recovered with no resentment or anger left from this LTA. So far, in 6 years of posting on this board, I have never seen that happen when people cut corners. But good luck to you because that is what we all want for you.

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Originally Posted by unwritten
We all would LOVE for you to prove us wrong, and come back in 5 years fully recovered with no resentment or anger left from this LTA.

No stain!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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