Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 22 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 21 22
Messy #2897900 04/26/17 01:29 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,457
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,457
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by SugarCane
But markos was also asking you: who is the person that makes you angry?

It is DESPERATELY important that you find out, and use, the answer to that question. Without that answer, you will not be able to overcome anger.

Originally Posted by Messy
Ok, I see what you mean now. I guess my first reaction is to say WW is making me angry - but only because she isn't giving me what I want. Which means I need to come to terms with the fact that I can't force my WW to provide for me what I want her to provide. Sooo... in effect I'm causing myself to be angry by putting these expectations of SD on my WW. The right answer is my WW can choose to satisfy my needs, but I cant make it happen, so I'm angry because I want something I'm not getting. Is that where Dr. Harley would head?

Any good radio clips on this topic?
You need to find out what Dr Harley would say; not to try and work out where you think he would head.

You really need to become a scholar of Dr Harley and Marriage Builders, if you are to recover from your pornography use and your wife's affair, and turn your marriage around. You won't be able to come to this forum and simply vent about the latest frustrations in your marriage, and get validation for your feelings; that is not what this forum exists for. We will push you and force you to read and listen to Dr Harley's advice - and you have been here long enough to have done a lot more of this than it seems you have done.

I'm no good with radio clips, but have you installed that app on your phone yet?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Prisca #2897901 04/26/17 01:42 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
You have a right to your anger, Messy. All betrayed spouses are confronted with the most intense of emotions, including anger, resentment, hurt, and sadness. Infidelity leaves scars on its victims.
The anger he had in this situation is not affair related. He did not just discover her in bed with OM, or find a text to OM, or some other contact. He's angry because she is not giving him what he wants. An initial feeling of anger upon discovering the affair is understandable, and most would feel empathy and give a pass for that. But her affair does not give him a blank check to feel anger over what she does or doesn't do in recovery.

His anger was over her not giving him what he wants. He doesn't have a right to that anger just because she had an affair. He doesn't get to demand what he wants and allow himself to get angry just because she doesn't want to do it. He made a demand, punished her with anger, and shot himself in the foot because now she will be VERY unlikely to give him what he wants any time soon.

In recovery, nobody has a right to anger.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Messy #2897903 04/26/17 02:16 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,343
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,343
Likes: 3
Have you listened to all the radio clips in here? There a lot more clips at the end of the thread as well. Tell us what you think.
Anger Management 101


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Prisca #2897908 04/26/17 02:35 PM
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 171
M
Messy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 171
Originally Posted by Prisca
Dr. Harley says that the only person that can make you angry is YOU. Your wife may frustrate you by what she does, or doesn't do. But you are the only person that can make yourself angry.

Read: How to Negotiate When You Are An Emotional Person

You must learn to calm down while you are still frustrated before it escalates to anger.

Thanks for the link, its an area I need to put as a priority to work on. So breaking this down into baby steps...

I need to finish studying LB book, and as part of that work on controlling the emotional response during conversations.

Its obvious to me that just cause I've made significant changes on the deposit side, my withdrawals are still holding me back. Emotional control, I need it.


Messy #2897909 04/26/17 02:39 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Messy
Its obvious to me that just cause I've made significant changes on the deposit side, my withdrawals are still holding me back.

Very good insight! I wish everyone who came through here realized this as quickly.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 171
M
Messy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 171
Originally Posted by SugarCane
You really need to become a scholar of Dr Harley and Marriage Builders, if you are to recover from your pornography use and your wife's affair, and turn your marriage around. You won't be able to come to this forum and simply vent about the latest frustrations in your marriage, and get validation for your feelings; that is not what this forum exists for. We will push you and force you to read and listen to Dr Harley's advice - and you have been here long enough to have done a lot more of this than it seems you have done.

Spot on. Thanks for the reality check.

Messy #2897923 04/27/17 05:43 AM
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 171
M
Messy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 171
App downloaded, was able to get 30 min in last night.

Tried to make a few small deposits via 1 doz roses last night and some good IC, maybe 30 min worth. We made dinner together, had a nice family dinner and watched TV together.

Last edited by Messy; 04/27/17 05:45 AM.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,343
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,343
Likes: 3
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you listened to all the radio clips in here? There a lot more clips at the end of the thread as well. Tell us what you think.
Anger Management 101
Did you listen to these radio clips?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 171
M
Messy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 171
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you listened to all the radio clips in here? There a lot more clips at the end of the thread as well. Tell us what you think.
Anger Management 101
Did you listen to these radio clips?

Not yet, I'm hoping to have time today.

Messy #2897936 04/27/17 09:30 AM
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 171
M
Messy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 171
Had time to listen to the anger management 101, very very enlightening! I never thought of myself as an angry person, but it's clear to me that when it comes to intense emotions I can become very angry, thankfully I'm not violent, but it makes me harden my resolve to be right, justified, or whatever the emotion I'm experiencing...

I've been working on the relaxation techniques inadvertently, but not nearly as intentional as I need to.

I think the key takeaway for me was the root cause of the anger, feeling rejected and disrespected. My personality style takes rejection very hard, based in some insecurities that I'm working on via IC. I need to practice not letting the feeling of rejection get me so emotional. Hence why the A messed me up so much, never felt anything like that before...

More listing to come!

Last edited by Messy; 04/27/17 09:39 AM.
Messy #2897976 04/28/17 09:18 AM
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 171
M
Messy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 171
Got more listening time in and have been practicing the relaxation methods. It's definitely working, even though its only been a day, I have had multiple opportunities to put it in to practice, its amazing how much simply being aware of it allows for being in control vs. letting the emotions take control.

Not to stay focused on eliminating AO and making deposits...

Last edited by Messy; 04/28/17 09:19 AM.
Messy #2897979 04/28/17 09:41 AM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Great, Messy. Listen to the show daily, too.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2897981 04/28/17 10:03 AM
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
Messy, good job.

It's hard to stand outside of ourselves and see the impact of our emotional reactions. We don't feel the impact of the emotions we project; only those we interact with do.

My exwife and my daughters both have complained that I am intense and type A. I don't have issues with AO's or DJ's, but I have made a conscious decision to be aware of my intense moments when I am around my daughters and to not give them any undue stress. That is not to suggest that I will lower my expectations. I will not compromise high expectations, but I will temper my intensity in normal, daily interaction so as to ensure a home life for my family that is serene.

Self-awareness is a good thing. Or as Socrates put it: the unexamined life is not worth living.

Last edited by Justthe3ofus; 04/28/17 10:04 AM.
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 171
M
Messy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 171
Just a quick update, the weekend was good, we had lots of UA and FC time. I continued to work on the relaxation methods and have been diving into to the root of my anger.

We discussed some of her issues with our past, and while my initial instinct is to dismiss it as her just rewriting history and painting me as a monster due to the A, I was open and realized how much damage I had actually caused. I processed it for a few days and sat with WW to sincerely apologize and acknowledge the damage that was done. I committed to her that I wont let it happen again and that I'm taking EP to ensure I can sustain the change. A little to my surprise she forgave me and acknowledged that I'm different now. However she acknowledged that she's concerned it will never be 'great' due to the history. Of course that's got me worried, but I can't control her feelings on the issue, all I can do is pray and focus on myself.

I'm battling the anger now, I think it's rooted in rejection, coupled with the feeling of it not being fair. It is not fair that she had the A and now I'm the one suffering and she is still waiting to determine if she wants to come back, even after I've demonstrated and implemented a desire to change and make things great again. She's convinced she was unhappy for years and isn't sure things can be repaired.

I know that's just the reality of it and I have to deal with it, but it makes me angry, so I'm working to get past that. Any material from Dr. Harley that can help with the anger??

thanks.

Messy #2898101 05/01/17 09:26 AM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Sounds like some great progress, Messy, but did Dr. Harley suggest you dive into the root of your anger?

Regarding your wife's feelings, let me assure you that when you make enough love bank deposits to bring your account in your wife's love bank up above the romantic love threshold, she will discover that your marriage can be great despite the history. I watched it happen with Prisca! In fact to some extent she may tend to rewrite history in a positive manner.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2898103 05/01/17 09:31 AM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Quote
I know that's just the reality of it and I have to deal with it, but it makes me angry,
No, you make yourself angry. The situation may frustrate you, but you choose to be angry over it.

Get a GSR meter, as described in that article I posted to you, and start using it to learn how to remain calm in the face of frustration. Eventually, calmness will be an automatic response rather than anger.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

markos #2898104 05/01/17 09:41 AM
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 171
M
Messy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 171
Thanks for the encouragement Markos.

I guess on the anger front, I just want to process through the feelings and move past them, hoping to minimize triggers to resentment, but in reality I don't see that happening until her love bank is restored, because the rejection is constant.

I do think that understanding what emotion (rejection, disrespect, etc.) that causes the anger will allow me to relax faster, if I can rationally explain to myself why I'm feeling that way, then I can make the choice to stay rational. So, I'm just processing the feelings to help understand what it is that I'm not getting that is causing the anger other than lack of a happy M. It also helps me maintain my plan A motivation.

I re-read Dr. Harley's article on resentment, which is why I believe it will only get better once her love bank account has grown. Of course WW is digging through all of the past issues with her IC. I know it's bringing up the feelings of resentment for her, but I also know she had allowed them to put up a wall anyway. I think the only benefit of it, is it's allowing her an opportunity to tell me how she felt, whereas in the past she buried it. Additionally, it's giving me areas to improve upon as well as show her that I'm truly sorry for the behavior versus in the past her interpretation was that I didn't care, because I didn't understand the damage I was causing, which isn't the case. It feels like progess to me, even though I know Dr. Harley doesn't recommend reliving the past issues, I can't control what WW does with her IC. The key now is to see if she can move forward from it now that it's been aired. I know I need to give her time.

Last edited by Messy; 05/01/17 09:42 AM.
Prisca #2898240 05/02/17 09:35 AM
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 171
M
Messy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 171
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
I know that's just the reality of it and I have to deal with it, but it makes me angry,
No, you make yourself angry. The situation may frustrate you, but you choose to be angry over it.

Get a GSR meter, as described in that article I posted to you, and start using it to learn how to remain calm in the face of frustration. Eventually, calmness will be an automatic response rather than anger.

Yes you're right, I allow my frustration to become anger.

Thanks for keeping me grounded!

Messy #2898291 05/03/17 05:44 AM
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 171
M
Messy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 171
Looking for some advice, some events yesterday have driven me to regroup.

OMW contacted me for the first time since exposure yesterday, concerned that contact may still be happening and she wanted to see how our M was doing. Turns out OM is saying and acting the same way as WW, 'needs more time', completely disconnected, depressed, can't recommit. The thing that has me most bothered is that OM is constantly on his phone, just like my WW. This was their primary method to conduct the A. I have no intel to prove anything, but it does make sense why WW continues to be so disconnected. I'm going to step up my snooping again in an attempt to find concrete evidence.

Also OMW is planning on entering plan B, so that has me concerned...

Am I in for a false recovery D-day? How should I best handle this info?

Messy #2898292 05/03/17 06:41 AM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Do step up your snooping - that's the best way to handle. But I don't think it's OMW's business how your marriage is doing.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Page 8 of 22 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 21 22

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 57 guests, and 64 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux, I.P., Alex82
71,727 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,545
Posts2,322,787
Members71,728
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5