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Originally Posted by mrEureka
Originally Posted by WallFlower
What about a lawyers "advice", that you shouldn't say anything to the children because Judges don't take kindly to that. When I countered that it was only sharing the truth without malice, he still advised against it. When I asked, well how should the children's concerns be addressed when they weep because their father is leaving and spending the night away or has been away for several days, he said steer the conversation elsewhere and that's where you would want to consult a counselor on what to say to them.
Something just doesn't sit right with me about his advice. It seems so contrary to maintaining the emotional well-being of the children and it also seems to fall into the archaic notion that what the children don't know won't hurt them. On top of that, it seems to continue the WS's fantasy and cover up of his poor choices in betraying his spouse and family. PS. The A is still ongoing... Thoughts?
When it comes to taking advice, you should always weigh the advice based on the qualifications of those who give it. When it comes to the emotional well-being of children, do you most trust 1) a lawyer or 2) a clinical psychologist? Sounds like a no-brainer. I'd go with the clinical psychologist. Dr. Harley advises that you tell the children.


My children literally cried with relief when I told them about my XH's affair. They had apparently spent a lot of time discussing why he had become so distant and decided it was because they were not nice enough. Imagine carrying that burden through your entire childhood.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
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Originally Posted by Neak
Also, thanks to Brain for linking the other thread. As many times as this comes up, I don't think it's possible to have too much info on the subject. smile
You're very welcome. Susie started such a good thread I wanted to keep them together. smile


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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At the end of the day, the buck stops with every parent. No judge, attorney, or courtroom crapwit has to answer to Almighty God for the well being of your children. YOU are responsible.

Telling kids lies about their own life only confuses them greatly and leaves them vulnerable to the lies of the wayward. Because I assure every betrayed spouse of this simple truth: if you don't tell your kids the truth, your WS will tell them lies!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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My gut reaction concurs with all of your inputs. Thank you for that confirmation.

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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Alleah writes she had an affair in the past when her children were too young to understand so they were never told. Now she asks should they be told, and if so when. Is there any benefit to telling the children of the affair?

Radio Clip of Telling the Children when They are Old Enough



FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Its been two weeks since I learned of my WH's PA and I finally properly exposed to my two children (ages 8 and 5) last night. It made a huge impact on my 8 year old son, whom has been taking this the hardest. WH has been out of the house for a month and a half ("I love you, but I'm no longer in love with you" ordeal until I finally learned the truth), and my son had been internalizing a lot of the blame. He thought his dad left because he was a bad kid or because he didn't want to be in the same house as him anymore.

I was nervous about telling him there was an OW, but as soon as I did, something clicked in him. He DID cry and he is still hurting, but he now understands that this was nothing his sister or him did. There is something wrong with his dad; not them.

Last edited by bdb84; 02/18/15 02:27 PM.

Me/BW- 30
WH- 30
Separated ("ILY but I'm not in love w/ you")- 01/15
D'Day- 02/15
Two kids (8, 5) & due with #3 in March
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You are a good mom giving your kids the truth ...


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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Originally Posted by Prisca
You are a good mom giving your kids the truth ...

Thank you. It did take a little bit of convincing from others, though. I was nervous that their dad would be angry at them if they brought up the OW, and I did not want their time with him to be compromised because of it.. but I know I did the right thing overall.

Our son is really going to resent his father for this as he grows up. He's only 8, but he's a very loyal, lovable boy and he always does the right thing. Sad that he's a better man already than his 30 year old father.


Me/BW- 30
WH- 30
Separated ("ILY but I'm not in love w/ you")- 01/15
D'Day- 02/15
Two kids (8, 5) & due with #3 in March
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Originally Posted by bdb84
Its been two weeks since I learned of my WH's PA and I finally properly exposed to my two children (ages 8 and 5) last night. It made a huge impact on my 8 year old son, whom has been taking this the hardest. WH has been out of the house for a month and a half ("I love you, but I'm no longer in love with you" ordeal until I finally learned the truth), and my son had been internalizing a lot of the blame. He thought his dad left because he was a bad kid or because he didn't want to be in the same house as him anymore.

I was nervous about telling him there was an OW, but as soon as I did, something clicked in him. He DID cry and he is still hurting, but he now understands that this was nothing his sister or him did. There is something wrong with his dad; not them.

I exposed to my kids also and its important...i exposed 3 years ago and recently my ex wife told the kids she divorced me becAuse she wasn't happy and was sad after one of the kids was born! Talk about blaming the kids! But fortunately they already knew the truth!

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Jedi is she in the running for some kind of wayward award or something?



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by bdb84
Its been two weeks since I learned of my WH's PA and I finally properly exposed to my two children (ages 8 and 5) last night. It made a huge impact on my 8 year old son, whom has been taking this the hardest. WH has been out of the house for a month and a half ("I love you, but I'm no longer in love with you" ordeal until I finally learned the truth), and my son had been internalizing a lot of the blame. He thought his dad left because he was a bad kid or because he didn't want to be in the same house as him anymore.

I was nervous about telling him there was an OW, but as soon as I did, something clicked in him. He DID cry and he is still hurting, but he now understands that this was nothing his sister or him did. There is something wrong with his dad; not them.

I exposed to my kids also and its important...i exposed 3 years ago and recently my ex wife told the kids she divorced me becAuse she wasn't happy and was sad after one of the kids was born! Talk about blaming the kids! But fortunately they already knew the truth!

Did the kids call her on lying?

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A mental health professional as written to challenge Dr. Harley on the idea of exposing affairs to children.

Radio Clip on Exposing to Children
Segment #2


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Wendy writes that her husband had an affair after a rocky start we had a child is this something we share with our child in the future?
Rdio Clip


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Bump


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Like almost everyone, I had reservations about telling my four children - three boys 7, 6 and 5 and a baby girl - about their father's affair. Since the period between D day and me throwing him out/starting Plan B was not that long (around 6 weeks), they were not exposed to too much conflict in the house and there was not a long period before D Day when my husband and I had been arguing or unhappy. All my family, friends and acquaintances were unanimous in their disapproval of the idea of telling the children what was really going on. And my WH had already been very angry preemptively about the idea of me "turning the kids against him". But after reading the advice here, I did it anyway.

I decided the best time to speak to them was after I picked them up from school, immediately after I packed up WH's clothes into suitcases, but before he came to pick them up (to avoid him giving them his own version first). All I said was this: "Kids, come and sit on the sofa because I want to talk to you. I have just packed up Papa's clothes into suitcases because he is going to go and live somewhere else for a while. The reason he is going to live somewhere else is because he has a girlfriend and when you are married you are not allowed to have a girlfriend. We all love him and we want him to break up with his girlfriend and come home. But he can't come home before he has broken up with his girlfriend". I then asked them if they had any questions. The 5 year old boy said "But why didn't you tell Papa he wasn't allowed to have a girlfriend?" (me: "I did sweetie, he knew he wasn't allowed to"), but the older two didn't really have anything to say and they just wanted to turn on the TV. The following day I went to the kids' school and informed the Director that we had separated, that I had told the children that their father had a girlfriend, and I asked them to give me some feedback about how the kids were doing.

Over the next few weeks after WH moved out (with a bit of resistance), we added a prayer to our usual grace at dinner time that we want Papa to break up with his girlfriend and come home.

It has now been two and a half months since my WH moved out and I have seen absolutely ZERO ill effects in the children. They have totally adapted to life without him around and the fact that I told them so clearly immediately as it happened really helped us to develop a feeling of solidarity about the family without him in it.

The children know they can ask me questions whenever they want, their teachers have reported no emotional or behavioural issues at all, and perhaps most comforting for me is that I can explain any moments of sadness to them in the context of information they already know - which takes the anxiety out of my emotions for them. They don't like it if I am sad, but once they know it is about their dad leaving, they react as though it is something they understand. I do quite a good job of keeping my mind off it most of the time though.

The final point which has made me a big advocate for exposure to children is how simple it now is to update them on any developments that happen during the course of Plan B. We had quite a bit of trouble with my WH being aggressive, threatening and violent towards us as he tried to force his way back into the house. But because the kids were so clear in their understanding of why he was not living with us to start with, it helped me explain to them what was happening in a way that reassured them. "Papa wants to come back in the house without breaking up with his girlfriend. But when you are married you are not allowed to have a girlfriend so I have told him he can't do that." I also asked them "What do you feel like when I tell you you can't do something you want to do? Well that is how Papa is feeling now" and that made it easy for them to understand something that might otherwise have been very traumatic.

In conclusion: Exposure to children is a really positive thing for both them and you. Your situation is going to evolve, and there will be additional things you need to explain to them as things move forward. If you haven't told them what the situation is clearly from the start, you are going to make the job more and more difficult and confusing as things get more difficult and confusing for you.



BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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chalkncheese, thanks for this wonderfully articulate review of your experience with exposure. Over the years, we have found it to be extremely beneficial to tell the kids because it prepares them for the fallout of the affair. When kids are not told, they end up confused and very often are told lies and spin by the wayward spouse. When they know the truth, the betrayed spouse is able to give them much needed moral guidance.

My own father was a serial cheater and my mother remained silent. My father introduced me to one of his OW when I was 4 yrs old and it was very confusing to me. What seemed wrong to me obviously was not wrong to the adults in my life. I learned to doubt my instincts about right and wrong because they were not validated by my parents.

Good for you for telling them the truth and preparing them for this ordeal.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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