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Messy #2898648 05/11/17 06:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Messy
Kids are 3, 5, 7, 12.

I don't know how many times it happened, but found out last night it happened while they were all here and in my own bed. Ugh, I'm not sure how to get past that one.

House watching will increase for sure. We will definitely need to move.

I'm going to get up to speed on telling the kids today. That part terrifies me.

I would tell the 3 oldest. They are old enough to understand. But you can't tell them why she is there and you can't forewarn her. Can you manage this? What have they seen? What do you know?

How did you find out this latest bit of news? And what makes you think she won't take the kids with her to the mall to see her BF?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Messy #2898649 05/11/17 06:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Messy
House watching will increase for sure. We will definitely need to move.

What does this mean? How are you watching the house?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Messy #2898650 05/11/17 07:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Messy
Kids are 3, 5, 7, 12.

I don't know how many times it happened, but found out last night it happened while they were all here and in my own bed.
Under what circumstances were they able to have sex in your house while kids that age were around? What were the kids doing?


BW
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His PA 2003-2006
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I think I can manage it, as far as I know they haven't seen or know anything.

WW confessed more to me last night. I don't know that she won't take kids to see him.

Vars for now, will get video today.


Messy #2898652 05/11/17 07:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Messy
I think I can manage it, as far as I know they haven't seen or know anything.

Why do you believe this?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Messy #2898653 05/11/17 08:24 AM
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Originally Posted by Messy
I think I can manage it, as far as I know they haven't seen or know anything.

WW confessed more to me last night. I don't know that she won't take kids to see him.

Vars for now, will get video today.
Are you on ADs while you go through this?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I don't know that they haven't seen anything, I hope if there was anything that comes out when they find out.

OM came over after kids went to bed. Unfortunately it happened while I was away for work (I know, ZERO nights apart) I wasn't taking this seriously enough.

Yes, I'm on AD's they are helping me hold it together.

I contacted a Realtor yesterday to get the selling process started.

Last edited by Messy; 05/11/17 09:26 AM.
Messy #2898656 05/11/17 09:29 AM
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Have you contacted the OMBW to let her know what you now know?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Read this and listen to the radio clips.
Exposing to Children
Did you read this?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Yes, OMBW knows. She knew first about the details (OM confessed) and waited for WW to tell me. Which I'm glad, cause it was the most excruciating pain.

I'm reading/listening to telling the children now

Messy #2898662 05/11/17 09:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Messy
Yes, OMBW knows. She knew first about the details (OM confessed) and waited for WW to tell me. Which I'm glad, cause it was the most excruciating pain.

I'm reading/listening to telling the children now
So OMBW told you that it was a PA from the beginning?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Messy #2898664 05/11/17 09:51 AM
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Ok, I'm going to tell kids tonight. A few questions.

1. In the radio clip Dr. Harley says do it alone, but that was when the wayward was in denial or used for exposure. At this point WW has confessed to everything and has 'committed' to keep an end to the A. My instincts tell me that we should expose together, with me doing the talking. If it was pre-confession and exposure I would do it alone, but I think at this point it would more beneficial towards recovery if we did it together. Thoughts?

2. Here's what I'm planning to say, please critique:

"DD, I'm going to tell you something that's very hard for me to say, but I promise to walk alongside you as we go through this. Mommy had an affair with OM and was prepared to leave me for OM. Does this help you understand why we left church and the tension you've seen in our home? *Answers*
I want to tell you what this looks like for me, this has been extremely painful and very difficult for me, but I feel God has given me the strength to love your mom, even through this hard stuff, just like Jesus loves us. I'm committed to staying married to your mom. Its going to be hard, we are going to have to go through healing, you need to know that I have my own issues that have hurt your mother that she has had to forgive me for too.
What questions do you have?"



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by Messy
Yes, OMBW knows. She knew first about the details (OM confessed) and waited for WW to tell me. Which I'm glad, cause it was the most excruciating pain.

I'm reading/listening to telling the children now
So OMBW told you that it was a PA from the beginning?

No, sorry, I was the one to catch them, she just got the details filled in from OM before I did from WW. WW has been confessing the painstaking details to me.

Messy #2898666 05/11/17 09:59 AM
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Tell the kids alone, and do it days ago.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2898667 05/11/17 10:00 AM
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Originally Posted by markos
Tell the kids alone, and do it days ago.
And tell all your kids except for the 3yo.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Messy #2898668 05/11/17 10:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Messy
Ok, I'm going to tell kids tonight. A few questions.

1. In the radio clip Dr. Harley says do it alone, but that was when the wayward was in denial or used for exposure. At this point WW has confessed to everything and has 'committed' to keep an end to the A. My instincts tell me that we should expose together, with me doing the talking. If it was pre-confession and exposure I would do it alone, but I think at this point it would more beneficial towards recovery if we did it together. Thoughts?

No, Dr Harley always recommends the BS tells the kids. It is not beneficial to your marriage for her to be there, it would be a disaster. First off, she is unlikely to go along and will spin the story. Then your kids will never get the truth. Secondly, your kids have to be encouraged to tell you what they know. They have likely been coached to not tell you. Just tell them and then tell her afterwards.

Quote
2. Here's what I'm planning to say, please critique:

"DD, I'm going to tell you something that's very hard for me to say, but I promise to walk alongside you as we go through this. Mommy had an affair with OM and was prepared to leave me for OM. Does this help you understand why we left church and the tension you've seen in our home? *Answers*
I want to tell you what this looks like for me, this has been extremely painful and very difficult for me, but I feel God has given me the strength to love your mom, even through this hard stuff, just like Jesus loves us. I'm committed to staying married to your mom. Its going to be hard, we are going to have to go through healing, you need to know that I have my own issues that have hurt your mother that she has had to forgive me for too.
What questions do you have?"

This seems to be addressed to one child. You should tell them all together and should ask them what they know about their mothers affair. Also encourage them to call you immediately if they see their mother contacting this rat again.

I would also leave out the part about you needing forgiveness. Don't muddy the waters with unrelated issues. The point here is to inform them of her affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


markos #2898669 05/11/17 10:01 AM
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Don't say this to your kids:

Quote
I feel God has given me the strength to love your mom, even through this hard stuff, just like Jesus loves us

Jesus doesn't tell people they have to stay with their spouse through infidelity. Don't give your kids that misimpression. It causes all kinds of untold misery in the world.

Tell your children that affairs are wrong because they are the most painful thing one human being can do to another.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2898670 05/11/17 10:02 AM
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I would drop all the poetic dramatic religious comments. Don't try to make this look beautiful. Recovery hasn't happened yet. There is no beauty now, and you don't know if there is going to be any beauty later. There might be. We'll see. But it isn't there now.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Yes, I was planning to tell DD12 separately, because it will be different for her, then tell the younger ones right after.

I'm not trying to be difficult, but I seriously struggle to not tell them with WW. She has committed to ending the A and wants to work on the M. I think it would be a major LB to do this alone. At this point, I view the exposure to the kids more for their sake than the sake of keeping the A dead (sure that will certainly help), but they have been affected by the tension and I think they need to see WW and I unified on this.

Ugh, you've all pointed out that my instincts with regards to the A were awful, but I'm struggling to not trust my instincts on this one. This is scary...

Messy #2898672 05/11/17 10:13 AM
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You need to ask the kids if they've ever seen this man and if you have your WW there they might not feel like they can speak freely in her presence. You ignored all our advice that the affair was still active please don't make the same mistake with following our advice from here on out.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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