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Ok, I understand. Our kids are very familiar with OM, so they will be able to tell me if they saw him.

Messy #2898674 05/11/17 09:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Messy
Ok, I understand. Our kids are very familiar with OM, so they will be able to tell me if they saw him.
Ok good you're doing the right thing.

Did you talk to her last night about EPs? Is she writing the NC letter?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I asked her to read them last night and said that we will sit down today and make a plan to implement them. That's going to happen soon. Until that happens, I'm assuming the A is still active.

Last night we spent most of the time comparing notes about OM's lies and finishing up my questions on details. After that I had to take a break because I was sobbing. I didn't have the energy to dig into EPs.

Messy #2898676 05/11/17 09:31 AM
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Did you get spyware put on her devices (without her knowing) so you can monitor if the affair is really over?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Messy #2898677 05/11/17 09:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Messy
I'm not trying to be difficult, but I seriously struggle to not tell them with WW. She has committed to ending the A and wants to work on the M. I think it would be a major LB to do this alone. At this point, I view the exposure to the kids more for their sake than the sake of keeping the A dead (sure that will certainly help), but they have been affected by the tension and I think they need to see WW and I unified on this.

You are making this much more difficult than is neccessary and will invite needless conflict if you invite your wife. Exposure is always somewhat of a lovebuster but the benefit of exposure is so therapeutic to the damaged marriage that is outweighs the LB. Exposure should never be done with the WW in tow.

Don't tell your wife beforehand, for the reasons I gave. All you will do is cause a fight and that will affect getting the appropriate information to your kids.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Not yet, going to put Mspy on the phone today. Which is why I'm assuming it's still happening...

Messy #2898680 05/11/17 09:47 AM
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Ok, I need to sign off for a while. I will check back in tonight. Thanks for all your help.

Messy #2898681 05/11/17 09:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Messy
She has committed to ending the A and wants to work on the M. I think it would be a major LB to do this alone.

How do you think picking a fight with her by asking her to expose herself to her kids will help your marriage? And how will that ensure your kids the straight story? Your fogged out wife is a) unlikely to tell them the full unvarnished truth and b) unlikely to agree in the first place. It is better to just do it and tell her later.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Messy #2898684 05/11/17 09:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Messy
"DD, I'm going to tell you something that's very hard for me to say, but I promise to walk alongside you as we go through this. Mommy had an affair with OM and was prepared to leave me for OM. Does this help you understand why we left church and the tension you've seen in our home? *Answers*
I want to tell you what this looks like for me, this has been extremely painful and very difficult for me, but I feel God has given me the strength to love your mom, even through this hard stuff, just like Jesus loves us. I'm committed to staying married to your mom. Its going to be hard, we are going to have to go through healing, you need to know that I have my own issues that have hurt your mother that she has had to forgive me for too.
What questions do you have?"

It sounds like your main goal in this speech is to assure your children everything is all right. But everything is not all right.

I would get my children alone and tell them "Your mother is dating another man. This is the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. We can't stay married unless her relationship with the other man ends forever, because it hurts me too much."


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2898693 05/11/17 02:32 PM
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I did it. I feel awful. Kids are upset. WW left.

How is this the right thing to do???

Messy #2898694 05/11/17 02:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Messy
I did it. I feel awful. Kids are upset. WW left.

How is this the right thing to do???


Of course the kids are upset. Suppose you told them you had four weeks to live? Do you think they would have danced for joy? But imagine how they would have felt had you NOT told them you had a terminal illness leaving them to go about their lives not knowing you were about to die? The truth can be painful but it is never wrong.

My XH saw his father tomcatting around during his entire childhood. His mother pretended everything was ok so he grew up thinking that this was normal behaviour in a marriage. The result was that he cheated on me for almost our entire marriage.

The only way to break the chain of behaviour being passed down to your children is to tell them, calmly and factually and to say that it is wrong.

When I discovered the adultery and told my children what he was up to, they cried with relief because the tension in the family finally made sense. Children always know something is wrong. Often they know (as my XH did) exactly what it is that is wrong.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Messy #2898695 05/11/17 03:00 PM
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She's taking the kids to her parents for the night. I'm losing it.

Messy #2898696 05/11/17 03:12 PM
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No! If she wants to leave, she can. But she can't take the kids.

Messy #2898697 05/11/17 03:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Messy
She's taking the kids to her parents for the night. I'm losing it.

Tell her she doesn't get to take the kids.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2898698 05/11/17 03:31 PM
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too late. She took them and wont bring them back

Messy #2898700 05/11/17 03:37 PM
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I feel like this was a huge mistake.

Messy #2898702 05/11/17 03:42 PM
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She is mad because they know the truth. She can't keep pretending around them.

Do you have your written disagreement to her removing the children from the home ( text or email)? Get the VAR and keep it on you. Read the Document thread.

Messy #2898703 05/11/17 03:42 PM
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Question: do you think it's a mistake because the kids are upset?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Messy #2898704 05/11/17 03:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Messy
She's taking the kids to her parents for the night. I'm losing it.

Just calm down! You did the right thing. The kids already knew, didn't they?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You are the one who refuses to lie to children. Don't let her anger convince you telling the truth is wrong.

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