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I agree with the others and get yourself to a hotel so that you are safe. I really was hoping you could be out sooner than June, but the hotel is the next best thing. Please keep us updated.


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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If your husband works for a US-based company or organization, paying government officials in another country is a violation of the US Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Tell his employer he is paying bribes.

Last edited by Brits_Brat; 05/21/17 10:20 PM.
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Originally Posted By: Brits_Brat
If your husband works for a US-based company or organization, paying government officials in another country is a violation of the US Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Tell his employer he is paying bribes.


Thanks BritsBrat - that's so useful to know! I will report him (again)


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted By: chalkncheese
I really want to leave now. But I am waiting on residence papers in the neighbouring country for the OC. The rest of the kids and I have dual citizenship for the neighbouring country, but OC has a difficult nationality. My husband gave me the authorisation to travel with him two months ago, so I have the paperwork to get across the border, it is just the visa issue that is the problem.


So you never legally adopted OC? Although I am sure your WH is not going to want to take custody of him, he may try to use this to manipulate you.

My WXH requested custody of our dog. He had never taken the slightest interest in her, indeed he does not like animals. I simply said 'she is yours, I will bring her over right away' and he dropped the subject. A little harder to do with a child but you might want to warn OC that this could be a temporary outcome.


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Originally Posted By: living_well
Originally Posted By: chalkncheese
I really want to leave now. But I am waiting on residence papers in the neighbouring country for the OC. The rest of the kids and I have dual citizenship for the neighbouring country, but OC has a difficult nationality. My husband gave me the authorisation to travel with him two months ago, so I have the paperwork to get across the border, it is just the visa issue that is the problem.


So you never legally adopted OC? Although I am sure your WH is not going to want to take custody of him, he may try to use this to manipulate you.

My WXH requested custody of our dog. He had never taken the slightest interest in her, indeed he does not like animals. I simply said 'she is yours, I will bring her over right away' and he dropped the subject. A little harder to do with a child but you might want to warn OC that this could be a temporary outcome.


Hi Living Well, It was still a work in progress when all this stuff with the affair happened. OC first came to live with us in November 2014. We tried to initiate the adoption process in the neighbouring country (where I have a job and citizenship) in early 2015, but after some frustrating months paying lawyers and visiting courts, we were eventually told that we couldn't complete the process there because the social worker couldn't do a surprise visit on us, since the children go to school in this country. We then decided to try the adoption here, but because OC is not a national of this country, there is no system for that at all. We then started the process in WH and OC's home country at the end of 2016....and then everything fell apart a bit.

The social worker I have got said when I move across the border with the kids she will be able to help me file for emergency guardianship of OC so that I effectively become a third parent at least for the time being. And because there is a frustrating requirement that children cannot be taken across borders with out the written consent of their parents/guardians and production of their birth certificates at every border, it should be sufficient to prevent WH attempting to take him.

There was also an amendment to the children's act in 2015 which did away with the concept of custody altogether. There is now only "primary residence" and "contact rights". And since WH now lives in an insecure country that most governments advise against travel to, i don't think he would be able to challenge me for primary residence.

He has threatened to take OC away already, but I don't think he would actually be able to do it logistically. Also, when we move in a few weeks' time, he won't know where we live anymore.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted By: chalkncheese

He has threatened to take OC away already, but I don't think he would actually be able to do it logistically. Also, when we move in a few weeks' time, he won't know where we live anymore.


I am certain that you will do a fine job of protecting this child. You cannot solve everything right now. As long as he knows you have his back and that these are therefore only empty threats, he will be fine. He is lucky to have you as a Mum


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Originally Posted By: living_well
Originally Posted By: chalkncheese

He has threatened to take OC away already, but I don't think he would actually be able to do it logistically. Also, when we move in a few weeks' time, he won't know where we live anymore.


I am certain that you will do a fine job of protecting this child. You cannot solve everything right now. As long as he knows you have his back and that these are therefore only empty threats, he will be fine. He is lucky to have you as a Mum


Thanks a lot Living Well. I have been thinking about your previous comment about the cat. I know for sure WH would not want to have the kids living with him full time if he were thinking rationally, but it is plausible that, in his absolute selfishness, he would try to hurt me by trying to take them away...although I think he is aware he would never win a battle to take my three biological children so would focus on OC.

The sad thing is that it would not even occur to OC that he might be treated differently to his brothers in this situation and I really want to avoid him waking up to that fact right now. It would totally destroy the emotional security and sense of belonging that we have worked so hard to give him.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted By: chalkncheese

The sad thing is that it would not even occur to OC that he might be treated differently to his brothers in this situation and I really want to avoid him waking up to that fact right now. It would totally destroy the emotional security and sense of belonging that we have worked so hard to give him.


Because children depend so utterly on us for their survival, they are far more astute than we can imagine. He may not talk about it to you but he does know that he is different. It will be in the way the extended family treats him, it will be in the questions he is asked at school . .

It is never wrong to tell children the truth. Sit him down with a slice of cake and tell him that his father is angry and irrational at the moment. Because his adoption is not yet complete, this may be something he will attempt out of anger towards you but it will only be temporary.


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Originally Posted By: living_well
Originally Posted By: chalkncheese

The sad thing is that it would not even occur to OC that he might be treated differently to his brothers in this situation and I really want to avoid him waking up to that fact right now. It would totally destroy the emotional security and sense of belonging that we have worked so hard to give him.


Because children depend so utterly on us for their survival, they are far more astute than we can imagine. He may not talk about it to you but he does know that he is different. It will be in the way the extended family treats him, it will be in the questions he is asked at school . .

It is never wrong to tell children the truth. Sit him down with a slice of cake and tell him that his father is angry and irrational at the moment. Because his adoption is not yet complete, this may be something he will attempt out of anger towards you but it will only be temporary.


Thanks Living Well. That is good advice (as always!). I will do that.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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WH has been sending aggressive and threatening emails to my sister (IM) tonight. It seems he doesn't understand what a restraining order is and doesn't believe it stops him from coming to the house. We have got security in place and a named policeman who will respond if he comes tomorrow. All he has to do is turn up at the house to be in violation of the restraining order.

He is demanding to see the children but refusing to make any arrangements. He is demanding that I make arrangements for him to see our baby, who is turning one tomorrow. My sister told him he needs to make an arrangement himself, and that "making an arrangement" involves choosing a time and a venue and communicating that to me (via her) with sufficient warning - and then respecting that agreement. He just ignores things like that.

Maybe being arrested will be a good thing for him. Maybe then he will start to understand that what he is doing is serious.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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His police commissioner friend is out of the country for a 3 month long trip to China....maybe he is not aware that he won't have this protection....


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Is your WH back in the country? Can you go and stay somewhere else for a few days just in case he does attempt to break in? I am very worried about you.

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Originally Posted By: chalkncheese

Maybe being arrested will be a good thing for him. Maybe then he will start to understand that what he is doing is serious.


I don't think he cares if it is serious. I think he believes he is entitled to this lifestyle he has created for himself, and even an arrest will not change that. This is why I think he is very dangerous.

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Very dangerous time for you and the kids.


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Originally Posted By: unwritten
Is your WH back in the country? Can you go and stay somewhere else for a few days just in case he does attempt to break in? I am very worried about you.


Hi Unwritten, we knew he was coming some time this week but did not know when. I thought it was Tuesday but it seems he is coming this morning now. He landed in the neighbouring country yesterday morning.

Yes, I am taking the kids to a hotel to stay from this morning. We have got 24 hour security at the house, the guards have a copy of the restraining order and I have a named policeman to call should he arrive (the guard will call him). So if he turns up there he will be arrested regardless of whether we are there or not.

He keeps sending messages saying he wants to see the kids. But does not provide any suggestions for how that might happen. I don't think he understands the situation at all and still thinks he can just stomp around and control everything.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted By: unwritten
Originally Posted By: chalkncheese

Maybe being arrested will be a good thing for him. Maybe then he will start to understand that what he is doing is serious.


I don't think he cares if it is serious. I think he believes he is entitled to this lifestyle he has created for himself, and even an arrest will not change that. This is why I think he is very dangerous.


Yes, he seems to be absolutely convinced of his own rightness. Even when there is a growing pile of officially documented evidence of his absolute wrongness. Where does this sense of entitlement come from?! It is such an ugly type of arrogance. I can't believe I have not recognised it before. I think I have inadvertently nurtured it by being nice and kind and giving him the impression of subservience without making clear to him that I CHOOSE what to do in my life.

I am a CEO of a company, highly educated, financially self-sufficient and capable of making things happen in whatever contexts I have lived over the years. But somehow he believes that he has ultimate power over me or that I am not allowed to exercise my agency to protect myself and my children.


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted By: chalkncheese

Yes, he seems to be absolutely convinced of his own rightness. Even when there is a growing pile of officially documented evidence of his absolute wrongness. Where does this sense of entitlement come from?! It is such an ugly type of arrogance. I can't believe I have not recognised it before.


I am guessing that he is also very charming and knows how to fill up love banks to keep you content. You don't necessarily always see the ugly side of people until you start to go through something like this. Like when they say you don't marry the same person you divorce.

Well keep updating us every day, just to check in and let us know you are safe.

How many more days until you can get out of town?

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Originally Posted By: unwritten
Originally Posted By: chalkncheese

Yes, he seems to be absolutely convinced of his own rightness. Even when there is a growing pile of officially documented evidence of his absolute wrongness. Where does this sense of entitlement come from?! It is such an ugly type of arrogance. I can't believe I have not recognised it before.


I am guessing that he is also very charming and knows how to fill up love banks to keep you content. You don't necessarily always see the ugly side of people until you start to go through something like this. Like when they say you don't marry the same person you divorce.

Well keep updating us every day, just to check in and let us know you are safe.

How many more days until you can get out of town?


Yup. Extremely charming/intelligent/kind/generous/funny/approachable and great at doing small things that make other women feel cared about like remembering to ask how they are if they have been feeling ill, paying for small things without hesitation, showing concern for their problems and families etc. When we were first dating, I remember him once saying when we were in the getting-to-know-eachother phase, "remember that movie 'What women want'? [Mel Gibson develops the ability to read women's thoughts] Well I really feel I got hit by that lightening bolt". He never said a truer word.

After several days of refusing to make clear arrangements about seeing the children, and refusing to understand the concept of a restraining order preventing him from coming to the house, WH finally sent a message to my sister saying I should drop the kids at the only family restaurant in town at 3:30. I took them along and asked my nanny to sit there with them so I wouldn't have to see him. He eventually turned up 30 mins late. He is with them now. I am anxious that he will decide to bring them home in a taxi and then I will have to call the police. But we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

I heard news from the police that my car has been smuggled across the border. WH had a deadline of tomorrow morning to surrender it to the police....so we will see what transpires in the morning....


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted By: unwritten
How many more days until you can get out of town?


3 weeks to go! It will be a HUGE relief


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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I have family not far from Nairobi. If you are near there and need emergency help, please let me know.

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