Wow, Indianaswife, I am so sorry that it had to come to this but I am glad you are taking this needed step and finding relief. I think you should tell your children exactly why you had to separate from your husband and what all he has done, and I feel pretty certain Dr. Harley would agree. They need to know that this is not the way a husband should treat a wife.

Thanks Markos. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I am looking for work and a more permanent place to live but I keep wondering " what now". I told DH through accountability people to stop with the flowers and gifts, it is irritating. What would my next step be?

I agree with markos. I think you need to tell the children the reasons you have separated.

Was he the one that moved out?

For now we have agreed to an arrangement where we take turns being away from the home for half of the week. We have a room in a rental building that is comfortable to stay in for several days at a time. This way our 16 year old Downs child doesn't have to be disrupted. However I am looking for something more permanent. Would you advise me exactly what to tell the kids that doesn't sound critical, angry or finger pointing. DH is telling everyone (including kids, pastor, friends) that I have issues from my childhood and when I get them sorted out I will be back. He has been told by several people to stop doing that.

Also, should I put the information to my children on a group forum that they can all see, that my DH can also see? Or should he not be aware of what I post to the children?

Telling your children is a unilateral act that you need to do without his involvement or consent.

I would tell them in person, or over the phone if they don't live with you and you can't get together with them.

Not sure what kind of group forum that might be, but as part of your separation, I would pull out of any such place where he might contact you. Read what Dr. Harley has to say about Plan B.

I would quit relying on any arrangements that are made with him, for a whole host of reasons. You will not be able to depend on his continued cooperation.


There should be finger pointing. You should tell them that your husband has hurt you terribly, you should list the things that he has done that have hurt you such as his porn use and his abuse. You should tell them any woman would be hurt if their husband did these things and that husbands are not supposed to treat their wives this way and that marriage is not supposed to be like this.

And you should tell them that he has hurt you so badly that you cannot stand to be with him any more unless he makes an immediate 100% change and discontinues the behavior and starts having a good marriage with you.


Don't try to control what he is saying or what people think about what he is saying. Detach from him and quit receiving news about what he is saying and what people are telling him.

You need to get positioned so that he can't get you flowers and gifts. If he is forwarding them through the accountability people, you need better accountability people who won't pass those on, because they are going to be hurtful to you. Gifts without repentance are insanely hurtful.

You need to be listening to Dr. Harley's radio show to learn as much as you possibly can about how to successfully manage a separation.

I'm concerned that there are lots of holes here through which your husband can reach you. That is not a recipe for a successful separation; that is a recipe for a trip to a mental hospital.

Here How to Plan B Correctly

It was interesting to hear a reference made to the 'silent treatment' on MBRadio yesterday. The silent treatment is very different from a man who says "I am getting angry and need to cool off". The silent treatment I have received over the years was emotional abuse. Early on he generally denied that he was angry. The abuse cycle would happen over and over again. I would notice him getting quieter and at times I would ask "are you upset about something?" He would reply, "no". If I continued to speak to that, he would get angry that I was insinuating that he was angry. The pattern was always the same. He would do the silent treatment. Eventually after days he would point to something I did that upset him. Like my weight. I would apologize and take responsibility for my actions and let him know that I was working on it. He would say my apology was not sincere unless I had sex with him, even though I was not feeling it. This is sexual abuse.

If you are in a relationship where you are always made to be at fault, where your spouse takes no responsibility for the issues, issues never get resolved, you feel confused and a little bit crazy at the end of a conversation, then you are being manipulated. You are in an abusive relationship and need to get out, for your own safety and sanity.

Have you told your children? Are you going to do Plan B? Parallel parenting?

I have started telling the children. I am not really doing Plan B because there has not been an affair. I can't lock him out of the home because I can't live here by myself and am still looking for a permanent place to stay. It is too much for me. (Think woodstoves, solar panels, generator). I have asked for no contact for 3 months, and separation for 1 year. For the most part H has been cooperative. I think you can see that while he would like to use the MB program, he just isn't able to at this point. He doesn't get it. At all. As Patrick Doyle would say "his denial system is profound". We will see how things go. Yes we are parallel parenting at this point.

Angela writes about the silent treatment. On the Marriage Builders Forum the issue of rewarding her husband for using the silent treatment was discussed. Her husband continues to use the silent treatment as a punishment but less often.

Radio Clip on Silent Treatment

Angela refers to a response on my thread. The reward that is referred to is this: my husband would become quiet and withdrawn, answering my questions in a short and monotone voice. He would not look at me, not touch me, hug his side of the bed at night, try to avoid doing anything for me, and be gone out of the house as much as possible. This would go on for days. In the early days I reacted in all sorts of ways, tried everything to get him to stop. In more recent years, as I am able to step back and realize this is his problem, not mine, I have behaved differently. At one point I realized that if he was able to rant about my weight, and I did an apology and had sex, the silent treatment would end there. So I did that for a while until it made me a little crazy, and I realized I was actually rewarding his bad behaviour. A narcissist is actually rewarded by watching his spouse's discomfort as he does the silent treatment. My h was getting a double reward as I sickly grovelled for his attention and "love". He demanded sex by way of an apology. This is sexual abuse.

Brainhurts, I emailed Dr. Harley and he answered my questions on mbradio. Would you post that segment here? I wrote down the exact date but now I can't find where I wrote it down. It was a couple of weeks ago at least, and I use the name of May. Thanks.

Can you check the email and get the date?

Yes, I sent the email on June 2.

Is this it?
Radio Clip of Indianaswife's question

Yes that's it. Thank you.