History: Hubby & I have been married 12+ years. My first, his second. His kids: DSD 30 years old - married w/child. DSS 25 years old - single lives with us. Our child: DS 9.

Hubby committed criminal sexual act against me before we married. Because he was disabled (legally blind) with custody of both kids (then 17 & 12), I didn't prosecute. I left. I would not have returned had DSD not written a letter to me blaming herself (already fragile teen).

After marriage, problems abounded. He'd learned nothing from Wife1 walking out. I knew nothing about being a wife or stepmother. I determined to hold on until DSS graduated high school. Well, DS came along before that happened.

Lots of fights, resentments, etc (I wish I'd known about this website then!) later and I was ready to walk out. None of my emotional needs were being met. I'd been pretty plain about that, even giving suggestions on what would help me. He 'can't', so I called the lawyer.

He cried, I stayed. That's been two years ago. I'm still struggling. I love this website, but my question goes to the basic format for all of the work. It assumes that things were good in the beginning and that both of us loved each other.

My husband admitted to marrying me because I made him 'drip a little' during our first hug. He rushed the courtship - only four months even with the crime and separation. I married him to not break his daughter's heart with the truth about her father.

Hubby does try from time to time, but usually just enough to get his sex needs met, then back to his own thing. I'm tired of trying. Though, after discovering this website, I have a glimmer of hope.

Given that hubby historically: Can't read much due to low vision, hates listening to me read anything for or to him, has vested so much in *his* hobby that he'd resist anything that suggested limiting that, hates psych 'mumbo-jumbo', resists authority and is disabled, home all day, doing as little as possible around the house.

Given that I historically: Tend to be emotionally and physically lazy, have built such a habit of emotional and factual secrecy that I'm actually scared to open up completely to him, habit built due to unkindness from hubby when I did share, can be pushy in all the wrong ways towards him.

Given that our roles are reversed but not our personalities. He's stay-at-home-Dad, I'm work-at-office Mom, we both act traditionally like societal husband and wife, though.

He has no faith and often questions the existence of God. I was raised in faith, but felt that I was out of line if I kept attending. I have changed denomination and type of church from my background, he's still not willing to attend. He says he's not blocking me from attending, but his actions are very unsupportive, to the point of being intentionally interfering. He won't even allow me to play Christian Radio in the vehicle unless I'm alone - I own the vehicle and have the only license between us.

With all this insight, will it even be worth the effort to bring this to him? Will this work even when there wasn't much love in the beginning, from either of us?

I feel that we have too many strikes against us in this marriage, but I'm willing to listen to folks who have seen this work over and over again.

Welcome to MB.

How did his first marriage end? How did you meet?

What I know from meeting her and hearing from the kids:

She was alcoholic, drug addict. She had online emotional affairs. He cheated on her at least once. Together, they bankrupted, she escaped since all was in his name.

She left him and moved in with her new boyfriend immediately. The kids ran from the boyfriend back to their father.

Between her exit and my entrance, there was a fianc� who broke things off with him while in hospital. She went no contact. We found out after we were married that the fianc� had died of the cancer he'd known about.

We met via internet dating site. His children helped him set it up. I'd been trying internet dating for a while. There was a sadness to his eyes in his profile. The data sheet had all the right answers as far as I was concerned, no games, looking for life partner.

Does he have a history of committing the sexual crime?

OTF, I read this far and wanted to address this misunderstanding because this is not true. MB does not assume things were good in the beginning and you loved each other.

To answer your question, it will work if he you both make a 100% commitment to the marriage. You can create romantic love but only if both are on board. I would read this article and follow the plan: When to Call it Quits

No, but he has pressured me to voluntarily repeat it. When I discussed divorce, one of my requirements to consider reconciling was that this option be removed from the discussion, because of the trauma of the incident and the hurt I felt from the few times I did consent after marriage.

I do now think that his attraction to that specific sexual act is what drove his fianc� away.

Melody,

Thank you for the correction about my assumption. I read the linked answer and it is giving me lots to think about.

My hesitation with Plan A/Plan B is that I've cycled between Plan A and my own solution - solitude within the marriage. I didn't know better, true, but I believe that it will give hubby the misconception again that the marriage is fine. As long as his sexual needs are met, he considers the marriage fine.

I only found this website this week, so I know I have a lot to learn. Still, on my own, I was getting close to this approach.

The only reason hubby and I have discussed my issues *is* because I have declared my 'sex' well empty. That he can prime that pump and refill the well with affection. That, until the well has SOME water back in it, sex is not something I can offer right now.

I'm still frustrated that, knowing this, he offered to cuddle last night, which was great. Until he demanded that sex return soon (I gave a cuddle, where's my sex, please?). This was made worse after I rolled over. He reached out to touch me and after a brief swipe of a thigh, groped me. When I stated, 'No groping please.' he responded with, 'But I was just... never mind.'

The events last night were what drove me to go ahead and ask my question.

After reading more on this site, including others' posts, I realize that I have been very emotionally lazy.

Before finding this site, I had begun an exit plan - the same as Plan B without the expectation of reconciliation.

Most of my exit plan is still in place. One challenge confronts me and I'd appreciate opinions on this.

Because I work and my husband is home all day, he provides 'day care'. Our son is only 9 and therefore is too young to be a latch key kid. Also, his niece, hubby's granddaughter is dropped off for him to watch while her parents both work. She even rides the same school bus and is dropped at our house during the school year.

The two young folks get along reasonably well most of the time. Both my stepdaughter and I would rather this continued even if I separated from hubby.

Also of note, the house is mine from before the marriage, paid in full by my inheritance. If we divorce, because of the work he's put into the house, I would consider letting him buy me out of that house and getting another.

So, if I look into Plan A / Plan B and it does come down to Plan B, should I still move out or should I stay and insist he moves out?

Plan A does not mean you give him the impression all is well. It means you tell him clearly what you need in a marriage and then for the next 3 weeks, do your best job of meeting his needs. If he doesn't meet your conditions, then you separate.


I would ask him to spend 20-25 hours per week on dates meeting each other needs. Have you read this?

The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage?

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I would be honest with him about groping, a huge turnoff!! http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi8122_groping.html

I want to be clear what happened here, but am not sure how much is OK to share on the forum.

The act is one not enjoyed by all people, but very enjoyable to those who are fans. I am no fan. I made that clear from the beginning of the relationship.

He performed that act on me in my sleep, without my consent. By the time I awoke, he had nearly completed his enjoyment.

I left, he begged and pursued me with promises it would never happen again. Then, I got his daughter's letter blaming herself for being such a bad person as the reason I left - he had told them nothing. I made him promise again, and we reconciled. We then married.

The requests to repeat that particular act didn't start until we'd been married over a year.

Thinking I was being a good wife, I tried. Between my own aversion to that act and the memories of the premarital crime, I was re-traumatized. I refused again to ever do that again.

It became his pattern to plead, beg, swear it was part of his sexual needs, threaten to cheat and stop just short of repeating his crime. When I complained that I didn't want to hear about that, he'd comply. For a while. Then, it would start again months later.

When I'd had enough, I threatened divorce, seeing a lawyer and preparing to file.

He pleaded in tears for me to reconsider. I told him that one thing that was not negotiable was any more discussion or attempts related to that one sexual act. Nearly everything else, I hoped, could be worked on. He promised. I did not file.

It took six months for him to break that promise. We'd even seen a marriage counselor by then. We didn't stay with the therapy and his take-away was that I had unmet needs. Well, he had unmet needs, too. Specifically that one sexual act. When I called him on it, he pleaded again, saying that I shouldn't hold him accountable for the first 'slip-up' in months. In that moment, my well went dry.

That was almost six months ago.

I still want to save this marriage, but after typing this out, I really don't know if that would be best for me. Or our son.

I had read that article, but not printed it out or read it for him. That's why I thought to state, 'No groping, please'.

I've now got this article printed out so I can read it to him. I've also printed out a bunch of the worksheets.

I may get the e-versions of Dr. Harley's books, or audio so hubby can listen for himself (since he dislikes so strongly when I read to him). Or both, so I can read and he can listen.

So much work to do.

I will say that hubby did try last night. He did make a large deposit into my love bank. Not enough to set the account to rights, but enough to get my attention and appreciation.

Heading to bed, I was saddened, though. Like the night before with the cuddle, he made his usual gestures that let me know he expects sex, without directly asking for it.

Go to bed very early, asking if I was going to bed or staying up. (I've learned 'going to bed' means I also want sex, 'staying up' means I don't.) I say staying up for a bit longer.
Get in bed naked and not turn on the A/C right away.

I got ready for bed, but used the already-agreed-upon signal that I was not in the mood - not going to bed naked. I was still upset, though. Because he'd made TWO deposits into my love bank and he expected that overdrawn account to be right enough for a withdrawal. I'll admit, I was angry, too.

He said he was ok with no sex, but his tone told me he was irritated. I guess he thought a foot rub would SURELY get him what he wants. ONE foot rub. In over a year.

Am I wasting my time even trying? Is my love bank so overdrawn that the account is closed? Even when he tries, and I do appreciate him trying, I resist him.

I've read the Aversion to Sex article. I've read nearly every article on this website! I get that I have to give him time. I struggle with that knowing that he'll work hard for a season, but slack off as soon as his work pays off.

And I don't know how many more times I can open up, give him my love, share my body and have him go right back to this same man who hurts me with his distance.

Have you followed the steps in the article?

Oh, no, that's a common misconception about Marriage Builders. MB does not assume things were good in the beginning. MB has been known to work for couples where things were never good.

Another common misconception about MB is that a wife should hang on and keep trying even if her husband tells her he can't do these things. Nothing could be further from the truth. MB does not teach that a wife should try to drag her husband along and "be a good wife" and hope he someday starts reciprocating; MB says that that approach does not work and gives the wife a slow painful death.

I only discovered that article yesterday. No, I have not started implementing it.

Thank you for responding, Marcos. you are very right. I've been reading so much in the past three days since I discovered this website.

Sometimes, I haven't fully finished an article before I became upset and looked away. Now, I'm trying to finish the articles and seeing so much of the wisdom Dr. Harley has shared.

One of the articles I hadn't read completely was about overcoming aversion to sex.

I really need encouragement that this is even possible. I can't even read the whole article without becoming very tense and upset. I have read 90% before I had to take a break.

I'm also jumping from article to article and I'm not really sure where I need to start anymore.

I don't think I can work through the aversion to sex until hubby and I work on the whole respectful relationship (from both sides, I'm surely no angel). Besides his incident, I have a history that includes rape and sexual harassment. There is a lot going on there that is the luggage I brought on this trip.

With a marriage in free-fall and my aversion to sex and the fact that both of our love banks are empty, where do he and I start? What is a practical, logical first step?

I would start here. Start by telling him what you need, ie: meet your needs, spend 20-25 hrs per week in UA time, etc. If he won't do that, then you should plan to separate.

Thank you. That is what I will bring to him this evening.

We can sit down, go over this and decide what he both feel about this relationship. If he is willing.

You do know you don't give him that article, right? All you do is tell him what it will take to make you happy. Here is an article you can review with him. One critical part of recovery will be spending 20-25 hours per week meeting each others emotional needs. In your situation, it would not be a good idea to meet his need for sex until and unless you are enthusiastic. Otherwise you will deepen your aversion and that won't help the marriage at all. How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

After I answered and went to re-read the article, I quickly figured that out. Thank you for the reminder.

Besides, I'm in no way ready to implement plan B. I have some parts in place, but not the full package. So, no plan A until I have plan B ready, anyway! I can be taught. I may be slow sometimes, but I really do get there. Thanks for being patient.