It's a bit of a challenge. Where I live, if there hasn't been physical abuse, I cannot compel him to leave. I can only ask. Both times I've asked before, he refused. Legally, there isn't much I can do at that point.

It's complicated by the fact that my husband is on disability, has really nowhere to go, can't drive and provides 'child care' for our son and granddaughter when they're not in school.

I have had conversations over the years with my stepdaughter about allowing her father to move in with her and her husband. That has always been met with great resistance based on how my husband treats her husband. I don't know if she'd allow it when faced with the reality that I want him out of the house.

OTF, you should be able to file for legal separation or file for divorce and get a court agreement as to whether you stay in the house or he stays in the house. Talk to your lawyer; let them know that your counselor has advised that you need to separate for your emotional and physical well being; ask them how to get this implemented legally.

As for where your husband is going to live, don't try to solve that problem for him.

The smart* in me started listing all the rest of the stuff I'll have to do, even if the courts allow me to stay in the home.

I hadn't thought of calling Dr. Harley my counselor and saying that he has advised that I separate and/or divorce. Let alone saying that it is for my health and safety. I don't know how that will fly in this state, but that's why I need to ask. Thank you very, very much for stating the obvious. I got focused on these trees and missed the forest.

The one I don't know how to do is to shut off the worry of what will happen to him. Regardless of everything else, he is the father of my son and stepchildren.

Not every state has something called "legal separation," but my understanding is that in those states that don't, legal separation can be implemented by filing for divorce. That's what a person has to do to get a separation in Texas.

After divorce is filed the courts do step in and enforce separation and support and such while the divorce is still pending, and if there's reconciliation the divorce proceedings can simply be canceled.

My state only allows three narrow reasons for divorce: Drunkenness (addiction is now allowed, but only the known drugs), physical abuse (emotional doesn't count, must be proven with police/medical reports) or adultery. Without those reasons, a couple must be separated a year before divorce can be filed.

That's what stinks. In this state, they don't help because they don't support divorce. Even after I get him out somehow, I will have to file for a legal separation, which will start the calendar for the year separation leading to divorce. I have to stay aware the whole year. If he spends even one evening (4+ hours) under the same roof, the separation is void and has to be started all over again.

During the year separation, we will be required to pay for and attend mediation in an attempt to reconcile. The divorce will not be granted unless this step is completed and reported to the courts. We both will also be required to take parenting courses since we have a minor child. Proof of completion for this is also required before the divorce is finalized in court.

The only good part is that the courts will give a temporary child visitation/support order to be followed during the separation. My husband is likely to be ordered to give at least half of the 'support of minor child' disability he gets for our son to me. He will fight this.

That's the legal stuff I'm facing.

Last night, I didn't have the courage to ask for the divorce, but I did have the courage to not fill his needs since I couldn't do so enthusiastically. My refusal did start a conversation where, for the umpteenth time, I explained about my needs going unmet for over a decade (affection, recreational time, financial support, family support - how he treats our son). I explained that I cannot go on meeting his needs with none of mine being met in any consistent way.

My stepdaughter already gave me the tools I need to proceed. We're watching her daughter tonight. Next weekend, she's keeping our son overnight. So, next weekend is when I make it clear that the minor efforts he's been making, while noted and appreciated, cannot overcome the decade of neglect. For myself and for our son, I want a divorce.

Given how last night's conversation was one of the calmest we've ever had about these subjects, I have confidence that I'll be able to get through next weekend without AO's or DJ's - at least from me.

Was it wrong to be resistant and skeptical about my husband's efforts this morning to finally show me some affection? Is it wrong to feel that he didn't get the whole message, that it's not just about affection, but those other needs as well?

How do I live with this man for the next week knowing I want a divorce, but that I'm not ready to bring up the subject just yet? And knowing he's going to suddenly be trying to at least show me affection - hoping I'll end his 2 week sex drought?

I know these may be unanswerable except by me. I've got to stop trying to make crumbs into a feast and calling this marriage and telling myself it's good enough.

I don't see much point to "asking for a divorce." You talk to a lawyer about a divorce, not your spouse.

I'd give your husband a printout of the Basic Concepts and let him know that when he wants to start doing everything there, then the two of you can talk. And let him know that if he would like some help, he can email Dr. Harley for help at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com and talk to Dr. Harley and his wife Joyce.

I don't understand why you are waiting.

You don't need to have some big, dramatic, emotional conversation with him in which you let him know you want a divorce. That's the kind of thing you see on TV, but doesn't need to happen in real life. It's unproductive drama. Don't argue that it's not -- it is, or otherwise why would you have to wait until a weekend when your child is out of the house to have the conversation? It's unproductive, harmful drama. Avoid it.

Get a lawyer. Your lawyer can let him know you want a divorce. And you don't have to wait a week to do it.

Now I feel like a stupid-head. I'll give my reasons for waiting for our son to be out of the house.

Last time, two and a half years ago, I did go see the lawyer first. I came home and made my announcement that I had seen the lawyer and that I wanted a divorce.

I made it clear that I didn't believe any promises made at that point. He begged, cried, promised and I kept telling him that it was over. He reminded me that he had nowhere to go and no way to get anywhere anyway. I knew that. Our children overheard all of this.

I caved and allowed that we would try one more time. But, that he'd have to do most of the trying.

Things were better for a few months. He asked me to promise that I would tell him when things weren't good and that I'd talk to him before seeing another lawyer. I made that promise to him.

Fast forward to this decision. It isn't that I'm looking for some dramatic scene. It's that he still has no resources, no prospects, no place to go and is disabled, thus unable to get himself anywhere anyway.

It's that I don't want the fact that I know our children can hear me be so cold and calm in the face of his pleadings to keep me from sticking to my plan. I don't know that I'm strong enough to withstand seeing him cry. And, if past predicts future, he will cry. I don't want his boys to see him cry and beg and still be rejected by me.

I feel like the 10th grader being asked to sit in on the graduate college level course. I understand what is being said, I understand the words anyway. I just have no idea HOW to make sense of it, internalize it and get it done.

OTF, I agree with Prisca, there is no reason to wait. Just go into another room and have this discussion. Your son knows something is wrong and will eventually have to be told why you are separating.

I don't see much point to "asking for a divorce." You talk to a lawyer about a divorce, not your spouse.

I would skip the announcement. I don't see the point to making an announcement.

I would tell my children privately I am getting a divorce and why.

Update, I still haven't asked for the separation. Though I do have more hope that he has a resource. His daughter may allow him to temporarily move in with her and her family.

I did clearly ask for hubby and me to go out to dinner together Saturday night, while our daughter had our son over for a sleep-over. Even though there was no good reason offered, he stated he preferred to order takeout. I told him I was disappointed.

I did further let myself down, giving in to his absolute expectation that, because we had the house to ourselves and he'd rubbed my feet, that we would be having sex that night.

I caved, again, like I always do. Because I make a decision that I'd rather cave, give him sex and get some sleep than listen to the hours-long lecture about how he's trying (which he is), I'm cold (in his view whenever he doesn't get sex it's because I'm cold), I expect too much from him (possible) and he's only human (one of many subtle threats to cheat).

Ironically, I gave the sex and STILL got the lecture. And, because I didn't try to defend myself - except against outright lies or accusations of cheating - he now believes that he's made his points and that I'm fully back on board. Which, to him, means that I should be happy, fun to be around and desiring of lots and lots of sex.

The only good thing I did Saturday night was NOT give false reassurances when he as much as asked for them. He made a point of telling me how much it hurts him when I don't give those reassurances. Still, he got sex. He got to say his piece (even though that started with him asking why I wasn't happy). So, he didn't dwell too much on my lack of reassurances that all was wonderful.

I keep digging myself deeper into this hole and I can't seem to put the shovel away! Things won't go better until I can stand up for myself, say what is true (without being intentionally cruel) and deal with the consequences.

I hope the book gets here soon.

Update with a question:

I'm still with hubby, because I just can't figure out how to make a separation work. It's complicated when he's vision impaired.

Since I'm still there, I've been working on my own AO's - they're almost all gone. I think a lot of them, but they don't get spoken anymore. There are still disrespectful judgments in my head. I know these affect how I treat him, but typically, I just keep to myself and keep quiet.

I have also been working on increasing the meeting of his needs - appreciation and sex. This hasn't been easy as I'm pretty sure that I'm withdrawn now. I still have love for my husband, but I am definitely not in love with him.

I now dread any kindness or effort to fulfill my needs. I dread them because he usually expects his needs met every time he performs any act of kindness or filling of my needs.

It happened again last night. While I was at work, working unusually hard due to circumstances at work, he did the laundry for me. He even tried to use my preferred methods (he doesn't really know what that is except that it means smaller loads). Well, he got the laundry done and cooked dinner. This is the first time in months that he actually did these things on the same day.

I thanked him, sincerely! I was not looking forward to trying to get the laundry caught up that night. The dinner was delicious. He only had one angry outburst towards our son at dinner (that's good for hubby). So, I complimented all the things he'd done and done well. I let him know that I appreciated all of it very much. I gave him hugs to let him know I was sincerely appreciative.

I left the house to run an errand for him - willingly. After folding up and putting away most of the laundry (he only washes & dries), running his errand, checking our son's homework and giving our son his medicine, I finally sat down to relax. Which was not easy as he was running a noisy machine in the living room (part of his hobby, I've politely complained in the past - he still runs it as if I've said nothing).

He demanded that I write down the items from a magazine that he would purchase for my birthday (said it like a request, but when I didn't comply within a timeframe HE thought reasonable - say 5 minutes, repeated it as a demand, then a threat that he wouldn't buy anything if I didn't comply immediately). It was hard to still want those things - nobody likes to feel pressured to pick out their gift with a clock ticking.

Within half an hour of that incident (after he asked me to write it over again - with his vision, I don't question those kinds of requests), he had to ask if he was getting sex that night.

No romantic evening. No show of passion at all. No attempt even to hug, kiss, hold hands or otherwise show any affection. He had done the laundry and accepted my list of birthday items. So, he felt justified in asking , 'Are we doing anything tonight?' Be still my heart.

So, at last, to my question. Can a demand sound like a respectful, refuse-able question and still be a demand?

If past predicts future and past 'reasonable sounding' questions that didn't get the response he expected were met with anger, frustration and sometimes even disrespectful judgments, is it unreasonable of me to be offended by certain questions now? Especially one as sensitive and 'loaded' as that one?

Or, am I being disrespectful by always assuming the worst and not giving my husband a chance to show me he's trying to change? Am I being unfair when I reject him because of the sheer volume of history of past hurts?

Though he was so 'matter-of-fact' and completely unromantic and didn't even attempt to 'win me over' once in bed, he got his way. He doesn't concern himself with why it's been weeks, just that he's waited weeks and sex is his due for being my husband at all. Especially if he's done ANYTHING that a reasonable man/house-husband would do if home all day. At least, that's how it feels to me.

I just wanted to check myself, if I'm the problem. I may not like hearing that I'm the problem, but if it's true, then I do need to hear it.

That sounds so sad and unsustainable. Do you all get out of the house for dates? That would cut down his AOs and listening to loud machines in the house. Can you two get away, does that eliminate the demands?

Yes.

WHAT is your husband doing to change? Be specific. What plan is he following? Have you shared this plan with him?

I have not shared this plan with him. I have shared what I've learned here, both in better control over myself and in specific examples of what bothers me - without getting angry myself.

He has no plan that he's following. Not a specific plan anyway. He's trying to calm down before expressing what I see on his face as anger. He's apologizing more quickly and more often when he sees that his DJ's have hurt me or our son. He's choosing more respectful words to make the same point he would have shouted or been hurtful before.

Specific examples:

Before my threat of divorce:

Him: Pull something out for dinner tomorrow.
Me: Do you have something you'd prefer to cook?
Him: I don't care (rude attitude)! That's why I asked you to do it!
Me: When I decide what to pull out, I will.

Half an hour goes by.

Him: What did you pull out for dinner?
Me: I haven't decided yet. It's only 7:30, there's plenty of time.
Him: Still, how can I plan if you don't decide! (angering)
Me: Then YOU decide and pull it out. I'll be fine with whatever you choose.
Him: I don't know, that's why I told YOU to do it an hour ago! (clearly angry now).

*** Now ***
Him: Please pull something out for me to cook tomorrow.
Me: Do you have a preference?
Him: I was thinking spaghetti, but what do you think?
Me: Spaghetti actually sounds pretty good!
Him: Do you want me to pull out the ground beef? Or will you?
Me: I will, before I get to bed.

Half an hour later
Him: I pulled out the ground beef (slightly superior sounding)
Me: Thank you, hubby! That does make my evening nicer.
Him: You're welcome (sounding sincere now, lost arrogant tone)

**** Through the new way, I still tense up on the first questions. Every once in a while he slips into the old way. Then, I feel guilty for doubting him when most times are the new way.

I want to share with him, but am not sure what he'll make of it all.

Reading is a challenge with his very low vision. He HATES, HATES, HATES for me to read to him, but reading more than a couple of pages gives him a very bad headache. This is one hesitation I've had with sharing a website with so much reading involved.

We haven't dated since within 6 months of getting married. He's often used the excuse of children at home. His son was 13 when we married, old enough to be left alone for a few hours.

Now, that one is an adult and could babysit (still lives with us) for our 9-year-old if he's not working.

I've tried the list of activities with hubby. So far, unless it's related to his hobby, he has zero interest. I have zero interest in his hobby - though I do provide any required transportation. The noisy machine is in the living room because he loves his hobby and also wants to spend time with me (it was in the spare bedroom that is now his hobby room).

I tried humor, gentle requests and plain speaking to get him to remove that machine from the living room. It's still there.

His AO's are less than they used to be. His DJ's are still pretty rough, yet less cruel than they used to be.

If we get away together, he then assumes that he will get his needs met and demands that to be so. If he does anything kind for me, he assumes he deserves to get his needs met and is not shy to demand them.

I don't even want my birthday presents at this point. Because today (when he ordered them) and the day they arrive, and our anniversary and my birthday, he will believe that he is owed his needs met because he's 'been a good boy'.

Under that logic, based on how he treats me, I must never be a 'good girl' enough to 'deserve' my needs met as well.

Man that sounds awful trying to do this on your own like that. I spent too long in Plan A with my Xh and needed antidepressants it was so difficult and I found out after that I was harming my marriage by giving in like that. When I wanted nothing more than a good marriage with him.

How about listening to the radio show together? It has helped me a lot to understand what I need in my marriage and what to do instead of settling. My second marriage is so much easier I am comfortable asking for what I need and stopping Love Busters when they first start. I don�t know if you can save this but I think Plan B or the radio show will give you a good shot at it.

I listen by myself right now. Yes, it's time to tell him about Marriage Builders and get him listening to the radio show.

Right now, I think it might be better if he listens on his own and I listen on my own and we talk about our take-away-s. That way, I can prevent myself getting defensive just by listening to 'triggering' things. We're in such a place that I feel critical judgment even when he isn't giving critical judgment. My defenses are so strong right now that I will assume that he will respond now as he has in the past and already begin my 'defense strategy' for having my thoughts and beliefs.

Thank you for the encouragement. I'm very glad your second marriage is what a good marriage should be.