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Is the problem him coming in house, me being aware or him in the house, or the potential for contact? the garage solution will eliminate him coming in the house. I just know WS is gonna be pissed about the babysitter since she is from his church. And I feel bad getting a more people involved in our drama.

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Originally Posted By: amac
Is the problem him coming in house, me being aware or him in the house, or the potential for contact? the garage solution will eliminate him coming in the house. I just know WS is gonna be pissed about the babysitter since she is from his church. And I feel bad getting a more people involved in our drama.


But you won't know if he is pissed or not; you are in Plan B. That is not your problem. The problem is him being in your house. He can come in and do whatever he wants. He can walk right upstairs or stay if he chooses. He shouldn't be given access to your house. Plan B is a totally dark separation.

Truly, this isn't that hard. We are talking about 2x a week. We have had other ladies who had babies younger than that who did this. Another option is to just let him visit the baby 1x a week and let him see the older child 2x a week. That way you can just send the toddler out to the car.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Right. It needs to be like divorce, and with divorce there is no walking in and out of the house. Ok, I will figure this out. No more coming in the house.

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Originally Posted By: amac
Right. It needs to be like divorce, and with divorce there is no walking in and out of the house. Ok, I will figure this out. No more coming in the house.


Plan B is not for him to experience divorce, it is for you keep your sanity.

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Originally Posted By: amac
Right. It needs to be like divorce, and with divorce there is no walking in and out of the house. Ok, I will figure this out. No more coming in the house.



You got it!! It is supposed to show him exactly what divorce will feel like while protecting you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Can you drop them at your MIL's house, and he can pick them up there? It seems like you still maintain a relationship with her. Then you can drop them off early and pick them up late and he doesn't even come to your house. And kids are with grandma instead of in the garage (I wouldn't like that either).

As long as she respects your Plan B that would work.

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I agree there are much better options than putting the children in the garage. The garage is still part of the house.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Ugh I have no family near by which makes this hard. I am in CA, MIL in seattle, my parents in UT. My sister is the closet and she is 2 hours away.

I've told my sister to tell him to bring them to the front door and ring the bell. I will give him enough time to get to the car and open the door. The baby will be in his carseat so no problem there, but my 3 year old may run around a bit but I dont think she will get very far. I'll be able tot ell if she is running out from our front room so I will call for her if that happens.

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Ugh I have no family near by which makes this hard. I am in CA, MIL in seattle, my parents in UT. My sister is the closet and she is 2 hours away.

I've told my sister to tell him to bring them to the front door and ring the bell. I will give him enough time to get to the car and open the door. The baby will be in his carseat so no problem there, but my 3 year old may run around a bit but I dont think she will get very far. I'll be able tot ell if she is running out from our front room so I will call for her if that happens.

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Originally Posted By: amac
I just know WS is gonna be pissed about the babysitter since she is from his church.


What about hiring a babysitter?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Re: babysister - his feelings about the babysitter aren't your concern. Your concern is to eliminate all exposure to himso he cant hurt you. In Plan B, there should no way for you to know about his feelings -- about anything.

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We did the front door thing and it was fine. He was no where to be seen and both kids were safely at the door. I was upstairs so I did not hear him or was at all aware of his presence until i heard the knock.

I have done well the past couple days, did not even ask about the dinner with H and did not inquire with my sister about any of his responses. But it is sooo hard. I have to file for divorce now because I gave that ultimatum about quitting his job and going to seattle which of course he is not doing. Its so unfair that I have to be the one to do this when I don't want it. But I know it has to be done, and better to start the process now then delay it. So hard when all i want to do is call him and yell at him and beg him not to make me do this. At the same time, the person he is right now is not a person I want. I could not even let him back in the house right now I think even if the affair was over.

For those of you that did try to reconcile when the affair was done, was it like the person you knew before was back and out of the fog or were they a stranger?

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The answer to that question is sortof dependent. Dr Harley says that wayward husbands should come back fully repentent and 'hat in hand.' They should woo you back and do the hard work to get you to invest into the marriage again, and to pay you just compensation. Whereas, although wayward wives still have to pay just compensation, they rarely come back fully repentent and hat in hand. Most of the cases where WW comes back, the BH still has to be the one who woo's his wife and does the hard work to get her to invest into the marriage, even though she was the one who cheated. It doesn't seem fair and I would find it difficult to be a BH and have to do that. But Dr Harley differentiates between the sexes because in general they are different in how they handle things, what they can tolerate and for how long, etc.

So in your case you would not accept your WH coming back, unless he is 'hat in hand' and fully ready to recommit to marriage and to paying you just compensation. He needs to be BETTER than he was before frankly.

The fog should last a few short weeks after going NC with the affair partner. If he were to meet your EP's, one of which is end his affair and go no contact, he would be out of the fog when you began recovery. We have people come here all the time who are in recovery and state that their spouse is still foggy months later, and it is almost always due to the fact that there is continued contact with the AP and the affair isn't fully over.

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Originally Posted By: amac
We did the front door thing and it was fine. He was no where to be seen and both kids were safely at the door. I was upstairs so I did not hear him or was at all aware of his presence until i heard the knock.


I'm sorry to tell you that I doubt this plan will work.

At the time of Plan B, my kids were old enough to walk from the car into the house and WxH was asked to stay at the end of the driveway.

For a few weeks I would have my dad be at my house in case WxH tried to break my Plan B, which he did a few times. My dad and my daughter would tell him to go. One time he had lobsters he brought to the door. Another time he had a envelope he wanted to hand me.

Most WS hate Plan B and will test you for a while. Even if this goes to D, that is a very real possibility, because, again, waywards HATE Plan B.

WS's want a BS to be their "friend" - it makes them feel "bad" to have a BS who won't talk to them.

Count on him to try to break your Plan B, and soon.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
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2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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Yes, WH has said many times while the affair was happening (and I hadnt discovered it yet) that his biggest fear was me hating him and when I found out about the affair he said that if our marriage ended he hoped we could be friends - ha! What a joke.

Under normal circumstances, my H is not a confrontational person, and he has always made a big deal about no scenes in front of the kids. Plus he knows how angry I am so I can't imagine he would actually try to see me anytime soon. But I'm guessing these are not safe assumptions being that this is not normal circumstances.

I'm going to have my mom and aunt come down in a couple weeks to stay and they can do the exchange while they are here. In the meantime, I can work on the babysitter. I just feel bad, I'll have to explain the situation to her mom and personally, if it were my daughter I woudn't want her involved in this.

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Didn't take long. He left an envelope in my mailbox with a letter. I read it. I know I shouldn't have. It was a very cold lawyer like letter explaining why he is not going through with my ultimatum. Three pages mostly talking about his complaints about his job and how he is looking for a new job, but still in the area he is working now. Made no claims about wanting to work on our marriage and made no references to the other woman. All about how is reading self help books and going to therapy to make himself better. He even wrote "if this letter makes you file for divorce I understand." And then crossed it out and scribbled over it.

I told my sister to tell him that once I realized it was from him I threw it in the trash and didn't read it. She told him that the conditions in my letter (the plan B letter) still stand, but since he is not committing to work on our marriage I will be filing for divorce and will not have communication with him in any form until the affair is over.

Is this just hopeless? I def asked for this because I'm the one who broke plan B and did the divorce email and ultimatum making for a really tough week. Sorry I know I'm probably not gonna elicit much sympathy when I keep sabotaging myself.

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I am not sure why you think you sabotaged yourself. You did exactly the right thing by having your sister tell him you didn't read the letter. Now is the best time to file for divorce anyway, because you can get a better settlement while he is in the fog. If his affair crumbles and he comes out of the fog and will commit to the marriage, you can drop the divorce. But in the meantime, you can get legal protection.

My biggest concern about you is that you are not really in Plan B. You see him during child tradeoffs, which pretty much defeats the purpose. Do you have someone at your church you could enlist?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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p.s. your situation is not hopeless at all!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks Melody! I don't see him during the drop-offs, the new thing is for him to bring the kids to the door, knock, and then I wait until he has left to retrieve them. Granted, we have only tried that once, but there was no sign of him. I actually have not seen him in close to a month, but yes prior to this week he has been bringing the kids in the house so I would at least hear him which was not good.

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I'm really failing at this. I went out with friends last night and had a good night and for the first time since H moved out I felt at peace with the situation. So of course I think its a good idea for us to talk at this point. My reasoning was I feel bad about my AO when I called him back after my divorce email. I just hate that is the last conversation we are going to have before divorce. I honestly did not want to hear him say something to hold me back, that gets my angry because I know its not genuine right now. But I just want him to admit that he has no intention of stopping his affair. His actions show it, but it would help me feel so much better about moving forward if he would just come out and say it. So I texted him, said I'm not angry for the 1st time in a month and think we should have an honest conversation before ending our marriage, but if he didn't think we could do that then we shouldnt. He never responded and I reblocked his number this morning. He communicated through my IM about picking up the kids. He rang the bell then went back to his car (i did not see him at all) and then I put the kids outside the door.

I'm embarrassed even to admit on here about my text. But thought I should confess it because embarrassingly, I know part of me is hoping to talk to him still. So irrational I know. I just hate that Im the one who has to file for divorce and do this when its all his doing and what he wants, not me.

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